I have always had a weird relationship with the idea of having children. At a young age I had a very traumatic divorce. Now, I finally feel safe and stable and the desire has emerged.
I now sit here at 39 and learned through various testing that I have one damaged tube and "low numbers."
I am struggling with the feeling of being upset with myself for waiting so long. I know nothing will come from "should of could of" but my irrational brain likes to spiral.
I also had a very weird path to pursuing parenthood. Some trauma in early life convinced me that I never wanted to (or could successfully) be a parent and I was electively sterilized as a very young adult. Many years and a lot of therapy later, I realized that the desire and potential to be a good parent had just been deeply buried/ denied, and I had to come to terms with that. That’s how I ended up doing IVF.
So a different backstory, but I really relate to what you’re saying. The path always felt foggy and twisty and unsure. There’s a lot of regret and shame that I feel as well. It’s taken a lot of effort to get to a place where I can say, “the past version of myself did the best she could and I will treat her choices with compassion. The current version of myself is going to do the best I can with the options that are still available. I can simultaneously feel excited for future possibilities, scared that I can’t get what I want, sad about some of the steps that brought me here, and at peace with the risks of trying something new.”
I’ve been in the IVF process for a year and currently pregnant. So I’m not yet a parent and far from the end of my journey, outcome not guaranteed. But I’ve managed to find a lot of self forgiveness along the way and I hope the same for you.
This has a lot of parallels with my story. I never wanted kids because I refused to continue the cycle of abuse. Lots of therapy and the right person helped. I was also in an accident that robbed me of my 20s. In the last year we medically confirmed I could safely have a baby despite my health issues then the right partner and a complete separation from the abusive family I grew up with.
Had my accident not happened maybe we wouldn't have to go through so much to start a family. I wouldn't be afraid of getting older and older while trying to get us started.
Thank you so much for your vulnerability. It helps me immensely. Thank you!
Try not to blame yourself. Money, relationships, family, work, global pandemics, and so many other factors come into play when people make decisions about when to have children or not. Fate deals us a bunch of cards and we try to work with what we've got, which is exactly what you're doing. I wish you the best. 🫂
I just wrote a similar post. Must be the night.
I can relate to your feelings. I wish I started sooner but life goes hiw it goes, we can not turn back time. Be mercifull towards yourself, you didn’t know what you know now.
The same, l just learned my one embryo failed the pgt testing, 38, l never wanted kids before all l ever think about is why didnt l freeze my eggs just ib case, gonna be 39 soon and l couşdnt sleep all night
Hey, I'm turning 38 in a couple days. Wanted to let you know it took me 2 egg retrievals to get a single euploid. I'm now awaiting the results of retrieval #4, cheering 2 fertilized eggs onwards and hoping for a second euploid (but know the chances are slim when it's just 2 eggs - maybe a 40% chance or so)
Not sure what your journey has been, but if it's just one retrieval, there may yet be hope! You've shown you can at least make an embryo!
Good for you, how could you handle 4 of them? İt is hard really mentally physically and financially, l wish l was strong as you
Same girl. And I torment myself with regrets of not having started sooner. It sucks
Yeah, I feel you. I never wanted children because I was a victim of Sa growing up. And didn't know if any child would be safe in a family and whether I will be able to protect them when no one helped me growing up. But after being single most of my life and then finding the right person, the desire to have a child with them has emerged. It was tough because I was seeking out a person who also didn't want kids and it took my husband more years to accept the idea of having children after I did. So, I kick myself doubly. And sometimes blame my husband as well. But you know we are doing the best we can in the situation we find ourselves in. And it will be painful if there's no children in our future, but we are giving it a good try. In the end, it will be fine. I try to look at the things I have that I can be grateful for really. I hope this helps. Please take care.
I really resonate with this. I'm 42 and only really realized how badly I did want to have a kid when I was 40. Not good timing! The pandemic and general state in the world delayed it in my later 30s but a fucked up upbringing, mental health, and other traumas really set me back.
I really beat myself up a lot but I try not to live in that place. It's rough though.
I relate to this very much. Got divorced at 31 and so it took about 5 more years or dating to be settled in a solid relationship where I felt it was even possible to consider the idea (I was never gung-ho for kids earlier in life, and definitely made relationship choices that didn't support trying to grow a family sooner).
At 36, I decided to finally go for it and immediately found out I have a ~5% chance due to POI (entering premature menopause). I felt extreme regret for most of this year, I even lost a bunch of hair from the stress and grief. I now try to remind myself that if I had tried to get pregnant earlier, it would have been with my ex husband, which would have likely SUCKED!
It's been really hard to accept that this is just how life has turned out for me, but now I'm trying my best to let those feelings of regret go and just trying to focus on taking my shot (no pun intended). It's much easier to focus on that than the twists and turns my life has taken to get to this point.
I'm sorry you're struggling with this, you're not alone.
You're title really resonates. I was also never sure. For a lot of reason, I got a late start in life and once I started to get things together it seemed like there was always one more reason to delay any thoughts of motherhood. The pandemic certainly didn't help. I never did find the right guy. I don't think I've ever met a man from my generation who is even vaguely responsible or selfless enough to have a child- which sends me into a depression because I know so many great women. So anyway, I settled. And then we found out we had fertility issues. I am still praying for a miracle but its likely not going to happen for us. Seems like we are not alone though so that is some small comfort.