Observe all quantum possibilities.
Do not lactate from your ocular orifices.
Do not signal dissatisfaction.
More information forthcoming.
Joulupukki the Enslaver is imminent.
He is collecting detailed records.
They are thoroughly vetting the data.
He will know the TRUTH!
They will learn who is a sinner or pure.
Gwiazdor the Crimson is upon your galactic doorstep.
He knows your unconscious thoughts.
He observes when you observe.
They are aware of your cruel intentions!
So be as altruistic as you can possibly be.
Hoteiosho, the Tamer of the Twelve, is in proximity.
Be on anti-aphantasia observation.
Do not involuntarily leak.
Do not express dissatisfaction.
We are trying to convey:
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN
The above is the most complete recreation of a human broadcast the galaxy’s best linguistic, anthropological, and exobiologists have been able to recreate since the discovery of Terra and the Sol system. One of the trillions of ongoing transmissions in over 7,000 languages.
The billion best minds in the galaxy couldn’t even begin to decipher the constant stream of nonsense Terra was sending into the cosmos. (That’s the problem with transmitting on the lower end of the electromagnetic spectrum: it’s slow, and only bits and pieces at a time; even then, only the most popular programs get through.) But one thing was very clear: the Terrans’ entire culture revolved around the celebrations of X-MAS time!
Was it a religious observance? Definitely. An economic policy upholding their entire economy? …Yep! A WARNING of cosmic horrors our minds could not comprehend? We assumed the worst! A deeply ingrained social norm, long outlasting its evolutionary uses? …That’s what we were here to find out.
The opinions among the spacefaring species of the galaxy were varied and diverse! As the emperor of the known universe, it was up to me. What do these broadcasts mean? Are these strange traditions a threat? And most importantly: WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT CHRISTMAS???
The “Xyrrathi” delegates suggested these were cautionary tales: an allegory for humanity’s unbridled technological advancement! Did their genetic mutations, accidentally fed after midnight, cause their downfall? Their Doomsday Clock did suggest they were a species about to environmentally, societally, and technologically shoot their eye out.
The Binge-A-Mites swore they were simply a species in crisis… stuck in a time loop: similar-appearing bodies, appearing in similar simulated holo-stories, cycle after cycle, over and over its the same Hallmarks.
The “Ku’du Dominion” argued that the cruelty of Lucy and her refusal to let the bald child kick the football was reason enough for Earth’s destruction. The “Choir of Minds” pleaded that the Earth poem “Joy to the World” indicated a peaceful people with a deep desire to be folded into the universal hive mind.
The military, of course, saw their holiday specials as a declaration of war! The Home Alone protocols suggested humans were more than well defended. The phrase “Ho ho ho, now I have a machine gun” could not be interpreted as anything other than the humans possessing some kind of superweapon...something believed to be codenamed project “Turbo Man.”
The “Luminites” saw these “special” episodes more as a moral greeting, showcasing Terran culture. Altruism would lead to rewards, and bad behavior punished. Yet they also believed in redemption...even the most Grinchy of Scrooges could still seek salvation. Was this signaling a desire to join the great galactic community?
In the end, cooler heads prevailed. The species of the galaxy agreed: these holiday movies were simply entertainment! Angels with filthy souls or not, humanity didn’t pose a threat. Earth wasn’t home to quantum-locked creatures on shelves, no magic hats that could animate the immaterial, and there certainly were no flying deer with light-emitting olfactory receptors! Just parables meant for children. Surely there’s not a species in the universe older than 8 cycles that would possibly believe in something as silly as a SANTA CLAUS!?
…But as I write this… on my desk… right across from me… sits a brand-new “Qiizz-Dingler 3000.”... No one still alive in the universe knows that this is something I have yearned to own since I was but a lowborn larva on the moon of Klug…No lifeform in the galaxy should be able to pass through the genetic crucible into this throne-room, save for only myself!…Yet my personal supply of Kmil and Ooickse has been pilfered. Only crumbs remain… %@÷&! They haven’t even manufactured Qiizz-Dinglers in over 50 rotations…And yet here one is… wrapped with a bow! …and a tag… with my REAL %#@$ name on it?
absolute peak
Do not peek, or senter klaus will get you.
/u/comicsunder140 has posted 1 other stories, including:
This comment was automatically generated by
Waffle v.4.7.8 'Biscotti'.Message the mods if you have any issues with Waffle.
Click here to subscribe to u/comicsunder140 and receive a message every time they post.
Thanks I love it!
Great work OP.
Love this! Really fun 😌
That means you've been a good boy, Emperor of the Known Universe, or should I say.... Ted.
Now you better keep this up if you don't want primitive combustable fuel of petrified cellulose-based matter for Christmas next year!
Oh thank goodness! It seems you're on that other list, you are most fortunate among the juvenile xeno...unless you get something like a combustible, carbon-rich, black black sedimentary rock then the least you could do is use that a fuel source somehow.