Good afternoon gentlemen,
My apologies for the long post. Feel free to skip this, I just need to get the words out of my chest. This is my first time posting on here, so I’m not really sure what the cadence of this should look like, but I need a place to vent. I don’t want to overwhelm my family with this cause I know they’re struggling with this as well, so I’m trying to be the strong one here. It’s getting increasingly difficult. My main source of happiness in this world is my spending time with my wife and kids. I had very rough childhood, so being able to spend quality time with my kids is the best thing in my life. I don’t drink, I don’t like crowds, we’re a little homebody family unit and we love being that way.
I recently accepted a promotion that doubled my salary. It was an easy decision financially cause shit is getting wild out here for us non elites. I’m trying to help my oldest with his business, my daughter is getting close to high school so she’s expensive, and I’m tryna give my youngest the life I wish I had when I was young. Unfortunately, this promotion comes with a lot of travel.
Before I accepted, I was already working long hours, but still, I was able to pick up my kids from their respective sports practices, spend time with them, play video games with my youngest. It was a hectic schedule, but we made it work. I knew it was gonna be rough, but a highschool dropout with no real education or discernible skills doesn’t get these opportunities often. I worked hard to get here so couldn’t pass this up. I knew it was gonna be a tough adjustment, especially since my youngest is on the spectrum and he’s super attached to me, but I was able to make him understand.
The work, albeit stressful, was fun. I’ve been doing this for 20+ years, so it’s second nature to me. In the short time I’ve been with this company, the President, VP’s, and C-Suite folk have been impressed with all the positive changes I’ve made. I’m not gonna lie and pretend that it doesn’t make me feel great that i, coming from an extremely impoverished background with no education, can impress these MBA’s and Millionaire business owners. Although I don’t want to be anything like them because they’re vapid and materialistic, it’s a damn good feeling looking back, growing up in Mexico in a shack with dirt floors and now I’m changing the course of a multimillion dollar company.
At first, my travel was relatively easy. Tues-Thurs, sometimes come home late Thurs or early Fri. Then it became Mon-Thurs, fly back Friday every other week. Then it started going to 7 days. Then it became 10 days travel 2-3 home. This week, I fly home Monday, fly back out across the country on the 26, hopefully home the 31st, back out on the second, back the 9th. The first few trips were ok since I was learning my role so it took up a lot of my day. Now that I’m getting better at what I do, I have more time to sit and think, and goddamn I miss my family. Legitimate, heart wrenching hurt. I FaceTime them every day, sometimes we’ll be on the phone while they do homework and I work, talking and being silly, but I’m not there. Saturday mornings were the highlight of my week. I’d be the first to wake up, do dad shit around the house, when the kids woke up I’d make them breakfast, my youngest would help me, I’d take my wife her breakfast in bed and we’d just eat and hang out. Nothing else mattered but that moment. Now I’m 1,300 miles away from home in an empty hotel room catching up on emails. I’ve been trying to keep my shit together cause I’ve been talking to my kids all day, but I’ve had to tell them “I’m getting a call” so they don’t see me cry.
My wife is also struggling. She works a high stress job, having to juggle kids practices, pick up times, dinner, taking them to school, etc. I love her to pieces and I don’t want to add to her stress. We have a great babysitter, her aunt, that helps us tremendously. My oldest also helps, but he’s also 21 learning his field and trying to start his own business. We don’t wanna be selfish and have him pause his goals cause I’m chasing mine. I can’t really talk to anyone about this because my best work friend is single and he loves to travel, and the other people I work alongside with that have families have the “work trips are a break from my family” mentality. I keep telling myself “man the fuck up, stop being a baby”, but goddamnit this hurts. I tried going out to the cities I visit to get my mind off of missing my family, but everything I see, I can’t help but feel guilty that my family isn’t here, or I get sad because I think “my wife would love this place”. I’m 20 miles outside Nashville at the moment. I know it’s a phenomenal city to visit, especially around this time of year. But my wife and I have always wanted to visit so I can’t stomach going sightseeing without her.
I know I’m on the right track for a near future promotion that would basically quadruple my salary than what i started with, but that’s about a year out. I keep telling myself this is temporary, power through, you’re doing this for them, but being with my family is all I need. I’d live in a cardboard box if it meant being with my family, but I grew up in the closest thing to a cardboard box and i couldn’t put my kids through that. I’m losing it gents. Part of me wants to tell my boss “sorry broski, you’re gonna have to find someone else” and go back to my old job, but I know that would basically clip my wings for any future promotions. Im trying to keep my shit together, but it feels like I’m a pit of despair. My daughter was crying on FaceTime a few days ago saying she missed me. I don’t want to lose the relationship I have with them over making money.
If you got here, thanks for listening to my rant. I feel more like shit cause I know there are so many of us that are going through waaaay more serious shit than this. I feel like the lady with a Virginia ham under her arm crying cause she doesn’t have any bread. Imma eat my turkey sandwich and watch The Sopranos for the 89th time.
If you like r/GuyCry and what we stand for, please:
GuyCry Team
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Okay, first off: stop beating yourself up for having problems in your life. Everybody’s got them, so don’t make your situation worse by adding guilt for even having struggles to begin with. Be nicer to yourself. 🙂
Second, you have two conversations you need to have ASAP: one with your boss to see what you can do to pull back on the travel, but more importantly with your wife. You guys are a team here, but it sounds like you both are suffering in silence and that’s not helping either of you. It’s clear you care so much about your family, so the two of you need to come up with a plan to make this doable for the two of you. And be realistic: if the answer is you can’t do both for physical, mental, emotional, etc. reasons…then you know what your answer is.
Money does not take the place of your kids having their dad in their life. And once this time is gone, it’s gone. So my best advice is to find the best balance you can moving forward whether that means reducing the travel or finding a new job that keeps you closer to home. Fortunately, to me it seems like you already know the answer and just need someone to confirm it for you!
Man, doubling your salary is huge but it sounds like the cost is time with your family - which you literally just said is your main source of happiness. That math doesn't add up long term.
You had a rough childhood and built something better. That's not nothing. But being "the strong one" who doesn't talk to anyone is how dudes end up posting on here years from now about burnout and regret.
Talk to your wife. You're not overwhelming her by being a partner. Figure out what the actual number is that you need to keep things stable and see if there's something in between doubling your salary and where you were. The promotion isn't a life sentence.
Thank you brother! I do go hard on myself. Growing older, I’ve always had that “you cannot fail” mentality, even though a a few of my victories have been pyrrhic.
My wife and I have had this conversation a few times and she’s 100% supportive of this situation. We’ve supported each other during crazy times the last 20 years. She had to quit her job when she was finishing school, I supported her 100%. She’s a trooper. She knows it’s hard, and she misses me too, but she’s told me that even tho she and the kids miss me, they at least have each other at home. It’s honestly more me missing my family that messes with me.
I definitely will have this convo with my boss tho. Especially since it was a bit of a bait and switch situation. When I accepted I was told travel was once or twice a month, but since I’ve been acing every project, hes got the “m_o_84 can do it!” mentality, and with my “you cannot fail” mentality, it’s been a recipe for disaster. He’s a great guy and I know he’s adding these projects cause it boosts my visibility to achieve my overall career goal, so I’m sure he’d understand if we pull back the throttle for a bit.
You’re right tho, I just needed to hear an outside perspective. Thank you man, I appreciate the kind words!!
This is key information. It sounds like you’ve been killing it since yo got the promotion , and your learning curve has flattened somewhat. Now’s the time to talk either way you boss about how you can do the job on the schedule you originally agreed to.
In my limited experience, those conversations go best when you point out the problem then propose something quite concrete that will resolve it. Bosses don’t like it when you go to them and say “I don’t like this situation and I want you to fix it,” but they are sometimes open to “I don’t like this situation and I have a plan to fix it.” If your boss says, “sorry— I need you to work this schedule,” then you’ve got a different problem to solve.
You sound like an amazing person and a great husband and father. Best of luck to you with this!