I just posted in another sub about a specific situation I'm going through, and someone said something to me that really summed up how I feel (basically the title of this post).
When I was a baby, my dad's daughter from his previous marriage decided to cut my genitals off while everyone was asleep - she pretended she was asleep to and waited to do it. My mum basically gave an ultimatum and said she was never allowed in the house again so he cut her off to.
I have literally no memories of it, her or what it was like to have my penis/testicles. When I asked, my mum used to tell me it was because I was special and one day I'd get them like everyone else, only they'd be better than everyone else's. Of course it was a lie but I believed it.
Of course as kids do, everyone found about it and the bullying was terrible.
When I was a teenager, one of the bullies decided as a "laugh" to see if he could fuck me and make me suck his dick. Which I did. And then lots of the other boys found out and a few more of them decided to have a go on me and all.
So yeah, school was a load of shit. Never had a girlfriend and was everyone's boyfriend. I decided why not carry on and I carried on sucking dick/being fucked until my 20's when I utterly hated life and develop a drug addiction that I nearly died from. My parents intervened and got me help and I finally started taking testosterone and getting phalloplasty at 24 and finally therapy. I was a "man" at last. I finally was able to be hetero and had sex with women at last and I met my wife 10 years ago. We have 3 kids, her oldest 2 from a previous marriage and our 4 year old (conceived by donation).
So that all sounds good right? Only it's really not.
Due to not taking testosterone seriously until an older age, I have longer limbs. It's gave me serious joint problems, so much so that I'll have to have knee surgery in the not too distant future. Which will mean my martial arts, running etc will likely stop.
The penis I have isn't all that great. The implant is now nearly nearly 20 years old and I'll have to have it replaced in the not too distant future So that'll be more surgery and scars. Not that it'll mean too much, because it's only great for appearances and pissing out of anyway. I can't really orgasm from it, unless I stimulate the part of my real penis I have left. To get off I have to mainly do stuff with my prostate which depresses me no end. My wife doesn't mind bless her, she's a kinkster and is highly satisfied. Our sex life is unlike a lot of marriages, it's all mainly centered on her.
In terms of sex, I hate the fact I had sex with these boys/men and even more so, I hated that I enjoyed it. My first orgasm was from being pounded from behind, and it depresses me so much it wasn't with a woman. Or that I didn't enjoy it.
I should be ecstatic I'm a parent, only I'm not. The step-kids basically hate me and love reminding me I'm not their dad, they have a real dad who they love. And it's rubbing off on the youngest. He's already asked me things about his "real" daddy and says he wants to meet him. And I can't help looking at him and thinking how he's nothing like me. His features aren't mine but my wife's and some guy who came into a cup and doesn't even know this little boy exists. He's probably out there somewhere, clueless. I can't help but resent him despite the fact I should be grateful.
Everything I am, have done is all none of my choice you know? Like everything was what I had to choose, not what I wanted to.
So the "consequences of someone else's actions" has never been more fitting.
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Wow, OP. I just wanted to say that I am very sorry you're suffering from the inexcusable actions of another. You deserved better and it is not fair, period.
I just also wanted to say that from my corner of the world; I'm proud of what you have accomplished despite your 'injury', for lack of better term. In spite of a shit hand, you still haven't given up and I find that very admirable.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I feel genuine vicarious rage. I can't imagine how you feel. Well done for making the best out of it. Read in a different way, this is an extraordinary success story. I wish untold ill things on that monster.
Yeah I know OP is struggling, but all I see is resilience and determination and success. I’m rooting for him.
Me too, thats a strong MF'R right there. More man than most. I could only hope to be as strong as him when faced with such difficulty.
Guy sounds amazing man. Inspiring.
Real shit. Talk about resilience. We’re all rooting for you OP.
Honestly I am more impressed with this dude than I am angry at that c*oo*nt.
Yes, that word is appropriate. I don't care she was 7. She can burn in hell.
I left a comment on your previous post in that other community. After reading this new post, I’d like to say I take it back. You have every right to feel how you feel about your half sister being on her deathbed, and your dad should’ve known better than to even ask you to go see that woman, she needs to live and die knowing she ruined what someone else’s life could’ve been.
She was a child and might not have known her actions would have long term consequences, but that doesn’t take away the trauma you’ve endured, nothing will.
Ps, assure your youngest son that YOU are his father, in all ways that matter. Don’t let someone else’s actions define and or keep you from having a relationship with your son. Nip it in the bud b4 it grows and affects the next generation too.
Yeah, that's your fuckin kid. You gotta jump on that confusion right quick and sort that out for the lil' fella
She was seven years old at the time, I'm not saying OP needs to see her but I think her father being forbidden from seeing her for years is messed up.
I still agree with that part, yet I also feel that OP has the right to feel however he wants about the situation.
Dude what kinda hell mode did the world grant you.
You are doing your best man im proud of you.
let go of your past and be in the present.
And kids will be kids just keep being there for them and a good father. They need your guidance and wisdom.
I read your previous post and after reading this one I felt the need to leave a comment.
It’s okay. It’s okay to feel all these messed up emotions. People saying she was only 7 and that time has passed have probably never been trough something so tragic that it changed your whole life permanently. And yes, she was only a child and children don’t fully understand the consequences of their actions. But that is completely irrelevant to the suffering her actions caused you. It doesn’t matter how old she was or how malicious it was, not in the long term. Cause no matter what her actions changed your whole life permanently.
Hate her, loathe her, wish her dead. Whatever you feel is justified. But don’t let her actions take away the things you yourself have accomplished, have chosen to do! Many people put to your shoes couldn’t have made it where you are now. You are so much stronger than you realise.
And I know you’ve stated you’ve gone through all the therapy you need but I encourage you to try it again. You have all this pent up anger and self hatred and it could be really useful to have someone to just let it all out to. Someone who just listens with no judgement. I wish you all the best moving forward.
I’m so sorry OP. Most of us could never ever understand what’s happened to you. But I will say that it’s not out of your control to change your perspective. For instance.
I would argue with you that choosing to seek help (rehab, phalloplasty) was a choice. Your partner was a choice (a great one from what you describe her as). Raising her two children was a choice. Conceiving another child to love and raise with your spouse was a choice.
Although not the way you intended, you still managed to build a strong and loving family unit. Kids will be kids, just give them the space to grow and always let them know you love them and will be there for them no matter what. Being a good parent is a choice too, one I believe you are succeeding at my friend. Good luck ❤️
Read his comments on the original post if you think he has accepted those children with love.
This is a wildly unfair comment. I expect you don't know how it truly affects someone to have incredible trauma. I grew up with two parents who hated me, one of them was actively sadistic. I had no friends. The pain was deep.
I have two step-kids who I love fiercely but it took longer than it should have to feel that way. It's hard to open your heart to deep love when you've known so much pain. I loved and cared for them as I should from the beginning. They love me and have always loved me and my step-daughter has repeatedly said I am the nicest person she has ever met. So kindly shut the fuck up, this person shared some inner struggles, and you clearly don't understand what profound trauma does to a person at all levels.
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Get back under the bridge troll
Yes humans who struggle should be completely alone because they're not perfect family sitcom characters in everything that they do. No parent is perfect and you have next to no information to make such harsh snap judgements with. We know nothing about the other people in this situation or how they are influencing or treating the kids. Some kids also just never get over the idea of their parents being apart and never accept new parents being in their lives. I'm sorry for whatever baggage you are carrying that is causing you to project so much, but you probably need to learn love and understanding yourself before you have children.
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Seriously, why are you stalking me? Do you have nothing better to do than lurk on all my posts telling tales about me?
It may be time to step away from the keyboard and take a deep breath and let it out slow,
Why are you making sure to comment to or about OP ?
You seem to be taking this post personally, and it's weird.
Why are you on the attack ?
It’s time to hit the block button. Bye
I’m wondering why he called them step kids but implied they were done with a donor. Very bizarre.
He has step kids and a child with a male donor.
The male donor I assume is the youngest and he’s speaks of him so foreignly. The questions can be answered in a healthy manor.
I stareted typing out a comment but stopped - all I can say is you're stronger and braver than anyone else I've met. I can't imagine the pain and frustration you've gone through, but to make it as far as you have is a testament to your character. The fact that you have anything resembling a normal life is incredible and you should be so proud of how far you've come despite this terrible tragedy you've had to endure. I don't know you, but I am really fucking proud of you mate.
Are you saying no one was charged with a crime for what she did to you? Were you hospitalized at that tome? How’d you survive that?
I nearly died. I was in for ages apparently.
Nope, no charge. She was interviewed by the police and everything like that according to my parents but nothing came of it.
You deserve a neutral space to air all of this out with compassion, I hope you have or will see a counsellor ❣️
You're an absolute warrior, you have my highest respect for even getting this far. People have committed suicide for far less than that. For all it's worth, I'm proud of you for still kicking.
I don't think I can give any sound advice, though, as much as I'd want to. I just hope things take a turn for the better for you man, I really do.
I’m so sorry that those things happened to you. I’m sorry for the way your ability to grow along your own voluntary path was repeatedly stolen from you. So many people behaving with such deliberate malice towards you is really heartbreaking.
There’s nothing I can really say, I don’t know shit about what it’s like to go through all that. I’m thoroughly impressed with who you are for having had such experiences, for its worth.
This story is heartbreaking.
You are an amazing person my man. An inspiration to keep going despite the feelings that everything is stacked against you.
In my opinion, you are the definition of what a man should be. Thank you for sharing you story. You really are an amazing individual.
Good lord. I'm at a loss for words. I am glad you have made it and made the best of it. Your ex-stepsister is a fucking psychopath. I can't even understand the logic of that, how someone's brain comes up with that.
She is/was his half-sister. They have the same father but different mothers.
I feel so bad for you but man, you are way stronger than you think you are.
I would have crumbled way before you have(n't)
Your wife loves you and your step kids might be awful now but how old are they?
I wish you well man
Can I ask a question, OP? First I’ll say this: your story is profoundly heartbreaking, tragic, and full of pain and suffering. Now, my question: do you resent your father? Like, because he brought your older half-sister into the world? I absolutely think that he was wrong for asking you to see her, deathbed or not. It isn’t his choice to make, and it’s pretty awful of her to even ask. I understand that you feel it’s unfair and a betrayal to you for him to heed her deathbed request of a visit. But he did choose you, he’s chosen you all these years since the horrible, awful event. Do you ever think about the choice he had to make? While it seems obvious from the outside and I agree with him choosing you (the innocent, poor baby who needed to be protected), that doesn’t really take away from the feelings he’s probably felt over all this time. How do you know he intends to see her as an act of forgiveness? What if he wants to go to tell her the long-term consequences of what she’s done? Do you think she deserves to hear the pain and suffering she caused? I’ve seen in some of your comments that her death will bring you some relief, and I hope that it does. All of this is so emotionally complex and difficult to comprehend in some ways. You truly are a strong and resilient person. I hope your path has more victories than not in the future, whatever that may look like.
No I don't resent my dad. He couldn't help his daughter being a psycho.
No I don't think about his choice either. Up until this all started happening, I'd not thought about this in a long time - now it's all being dragged up again.
He is only seeing her because she might be dying and he wants to be there for her, not for any other reason I don't think. The only way she'd hear about her pain and suffering would be if it comes from me.
I imagine he’s got some heavy feelings about his own daughter doing what she did to his own son. Especially given the gender-preference that seemed to drive her actions to begin with. As in, I would think his love for you was greater than all, but he is still her father and she is potentially dying.
Do you love your father enough to not punish him if he goes to visit her? And don’t think of it in terms of what she gets out of it, try to think only in regard to your father. Maybe there are things he needs to say. He’s lived for decades with the choices he’s made, and it really seems like he can’t really win at this juncture. Either he doesn’t go, and perhaps your mother and you can move past his “slip up” but maybe y’all can’t forgive it, or he does go and he still loses her to death and you and your mom to abandonment.
Everybody has to live with their choices. Your story is an awful reminder that we aren’t always the only ones who have to live with our choices, that other people are impacted too. And I sincerely hope you don’t feel like I’m judging or pushing a certain answer, I’m just asking questions to get a more full understanding. I hope that’s alright.
Hey, man, what you went through is beyond fucked up.
Please know you’re not alone. If you ever want to talk with folks who have similar, but not identical experiences, a lot of intersex guys had their dicks removed because doctors and/or parents decided they should be girls.
For myself as a trans guy, I have nerve damage from being trafficked under age 5, and can relate to some of what you talk about.
You deserve better.
I don't understand how there were no legal repercussions for a child who cut off the genitals of a baby? I think seven is old enough to know right from wrong and it was completely premeditated from what you've said.
I know this incident has had the most profound/significant impact on your life and I'm sorry that the experience has been hellish. Just continue to learn and grow through the support of others. The pain may not get smaller, but your capacity to deal with it may become bigger.
Seven is not old enough for legal consequences in most places. Any legal consequences would fall on the parents.
This was not the action of a healthy 7 year old. There had to have been warning signs that were ignored, or she was being abused or manipulated by someone else. The parents do have culpability here.
Not even some kind of involuntary inpatient mental health support? That's crazy.
look up james bulger. although she’s lucky she didn’t murder OP, legal consequences do exist for children just doesn’t look the same as an adult. his sister should’ve been institutionalized and under heavy therapeutic supervision.
This is quite the story sir. Nightmare fuel honestly. It sounds like you’ve had a helliish childhood. No one should be subjected to the various levels of suffering you’ve described here. Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry to hear about everything you’ve gone through.
This could be one hell of a villain origin story😐
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Im so sorry OP, genuinely
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That’s insane
hugs, OP. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. The fact that you’re still with us tells me you’re far stronger than I could ever be.
Was it your choice to have a child with your wife? Elsewhere you commented that you didn’t see the point of getting on HRT at 14.
OP, you were dealt one of the shittiest hands imaginable, and what happened to you is truly horrible. That said, saying you had no choice at all isn’t accurate. As Viktor Frankl writes in Man’s Search for Meaning, even in the most extreme suffering, we still have the freedom to choose our attitude, our response, and the meaning we assign to our experience. You didn’t choose what happened, but you can choose what it means for you going forward.
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Wow
idk, Thanks for your kind words! It’s been a rough journey, but I’m learning to embrace what I can and keep pushing forward…
Brutal. Praying for you man. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. Nobody deserves that
I simply have no words but I'm so deeply sorry this happened to you. I think you must naturally be a very wise, kind and persevering person to make it to where you are now despite the struggles. You have made a lot of positive choices with the hand other people dealt for you. Of course you also made bad ones, but we all do that and more over you didn't let that become your life. It sounds like you still have a bit of healing to do. You need to know yourself and own everything that you are and everything that you are not. Does your wife know about how her kids are treating you? They are poking you where they know it will hurt. They are probably going through their own hurt and confused emotions too but it is not right to hurt other people as a result. All you can do is communicate with your wife and keep being a good dad towards them while continuing to heal and do therapy so you know how they are acting is not about you though it REALLY feels that way. You projecting your trauma onto them is how it turns into a self fulfilling prophecy.
Fuck, man. Kids really are some of the worst people on this planet and you’d never know, even as their parent sometimes. I don’t know what to say other than you didn’t deserve a damn thing that happened to you. I’m so very sorry. Wishing you the best.
respectfully, i think your anger is misplaced, and it is still really hurting your life.
your sister did something horrible, but she was 7 years old. that is well below the age of criminal responsibility in most countries, and you dont even remember it. only for scarring and you being told, it couldve been genetic. if you had been born this way, who would you blame for everything? your parents? god?
the sexual abuse you suffered as a teenage (you were 14-16 and they were your bullies, thats what it was, sexual abuse) has had a much bigger negative effect on your life. all the things you list seem much more to stem from that horrible time in your life.
also, your parents didnt seem to handle it well. telling you " one day I'd get them like everyone else" and not making sure you started TRT.
ilook at how you talk about your children, you talk about "all the therapy" youve done, but you clearly are not well.
i really hope you find peace.
I'm glad I didn't start seriously with the testosterone when I was a kid.
I would have been a hormonal teenager with no way to express my sexuality.
It's been hard enough as an adult, it would have been far worse not being able to do anything about it.
That's an evil child. They can't be helped. Was she prosecuted? Imprisoned?
What you do from here, from the moments you glean knowledge and understanding, is your choice. Read it again. What choices you didn’t have then is a terrible waste of what choices you have ongoing now. You can’t undo what was done so chose now what fulfills and gives, stop working on what wasn’t or isn’t. (None of this is to say there is not sympathy or understanding) There is not enough time to only fully live in what can’t or couldn’t, you must find what is and can be.
Holy shit
hey man it might not mean much coming from me, but reading this made me feel something, i cant explain but i just wanna let you know, your strong man, stronger than me or anyone else i know, and i wouldn't blame you for anything you did in your past given your awful and uncontrollable circumstances. stay strong king, you have a place in this world and your wife loves if you nothing else 💘👑
I'm so sorry that you're half sister inflicted so much pain and trauma on you at such a young age. You are truly a amazing person to have lived through what you have. I believe 90% of the rest of the male population wouldn't have survived like you have. I have such respect and heartbreak for you. I wish that I could hold you in my arms and tell you everything is going to be fine. I wish I could kiss away your tears. Hold you when the nightmares come. Just anything to help you feel better. You are so much stronger than you realize. You're courageous and brave. You have so many good qualities that it's amazing. I'm so proud of the man you've become. May you continue to be strong and brave. Just remember, never let the assholes get you down. Much love to you.