I am currently under contract for a new build in Durham and it’s a perfect house and has everything we want. For a great price, amazing incentives and close to work. I had been crying for the past 2 days because I realized I want to live in Raleigh. My husband is telling me to give it a shot as it’s 20 mins from where we are now. If we back out we lose $7500. Im so conflicted on what to do. I don’t want to feel like I settled but I also don’t want to regret not at least giving it a try.
Thank you u/kerrichristine for posting on r/FirstTimeHomeBuyer.
Please keep our subreddit rules in mind. 1. Be nice 2. No selling or promotion 3. No posts by industry professionals 4. No troll posts 5. No memes 6. "Got the keys" posts must use the designated title format and add the "got the keys" flair.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Close to work is really important. Why do you want to live in Raleigh? You’re still in driving distance. There’s not much info here. Would you need to find a new job? How much further would you need to drive to work each day? Very confusing.
I’ve just always pictured myself living in Raleigh. Friends and family are near by, I know my way around, I’m comfortable here. Not sure if that’s good enough reason to not give Durham a shot but I can’t get it out of my head.
So yiu are just afraid to step out of your comfort zone. But that is where personal growth comes from.
I think it is normal to second guess any decision you make. I don't see a lot of difference between Raleigh, Chapel Hill and Durham. I went to N.C State and lived in Raleigh and Cary for 6 years a long time ago.
Yep I see no difference either. Now if it was something like Oxford, NC vs. Raleigh...
Durham gets a bad rep but honestly it's not that different from Raleigh these days. Twenty minutes is nothing and you'll probably end up loving the area once you're actually living there. That $7500 is real money - I'd probably stick with it and see how it goes. You can always move again in a few years if you really hate it
I noticed that you gave a lot of great reasons to live in this house in Durham but no reasons why you want to live in Raleigh. What are the reasons for Raleigh?
I guess I’m just familiar with Raleigh and I have friends and family here and have always pictured myself here. I love Raleigh and I’m not even sure why I looked elsewhere.
I’m not familiar with the area, which is why I ask - how long will the drive be to see friends and family? To go to the destinations you want to frequent? If moving to Durham is taking you far away from the life you want to live, then that’s reason to pause. But if it’s an emotional attachment to a place name and you’ll still be close enough, I would let it go.
I’ll still be within 30 minutes of them. I guess this is more of an emotional attachment but I can’t shake it. Durham also has higher crime rates and a wavering reputation at times and I think subconsciously I’m feeding into it even though the house is in a safe neighborhood.
This reads like post commitment panic, not a “location” problem.
The $7,500 is also warping the decision…. That’s classic loss aversion… it makes every feeling louder and more urgent because now backing out feels like “paying for panic,” while moving forward feels like “getting trapped.” Right?
The way out is to stop treating this like a permanent choice and treat it like a decision with options.
The question isn’t “Will I love Durham forever?” It’s: Can we live here for 2–3 years comfortably? If we don’t love it, can we sell or rent without getting crushed? Does this choice keep doors open?
If the answer is yes, you’re not settling … you’re buying a quality base with escape options.
Also, be careful taking comfort from random internet certainty. No one knows you or your situation.
No one knows your finances, your commute tolerance (that I-40 Durham Raleigh drive at peak rush… What feels like “bad traffic” is highly relative.. a 40 minute Triangle commute is routine in places like the Northeast or Southern California, but unsettling for someone accustomed to 10 minute drives and empty roads)…
A practical way to ground this…
.. spend a couple weekends doing “future life” in that area … coffee, gym, groceries, evening drive at rush hour, a walk at night, the things you’ll actually do. If the daily rhythm works and the house is right, a 20-minute location distinction often matters far less than people think once real life starts.
Last point… don’t confuse “I’m scared” with “this is wrong.”
Big transitions often trigger grief for the road not taken. Like say pre wedding jitters … like crying for days about the one that got away ..
If Raleigh is truly the non-negotiable dream, then yes, eat the $7,500 and move on .. but make that decision from a clear standard (schools, friends, daily routine, long-term plan), not from two days of adrenaline.
If the home is great, the deal is strong, and you have exit options, giving it a fair shot is the most rational path.
Separate the facts (price, commute, incentives, flexibility) from the fears (regret, settling, what-ifs) and evaluate each on its own….
Big, long term decisions aren’t solved by reassurance… they’re solved by structure, time, and a clear exit path.
People grow with change. You can adjust to the new location. You're not moving across country, you're moving 20 minutes and getting everything you want in a house within your budget. Could you say the same if you were in Raleigh?
20 mins is not a lot of time
Unless the place is on the west side of Durham, the cities are within half an hour of each other and really easy to go between as long as it's not peak rush hour.
Though I would say that location is the one thing you cannot change when you buy a place so if you really think this is not something you can live with and will constantly regret it's better to back out now.
The time for that consideration was before you put down a non-refundable $7500 deposit.
Also, in this time of this housing affordability crisis, people settle. Settling is not bad. It's an adult way to work within reality. Unless money is no object to you, which I'm guessing that's not the case. 20 minutes isn't too bad.
Sounds like you went to Durham because you can get more for your money. You would be settling for something in Raleigh. Do you want to settle on location or settle on price and house?
Acknowledge your privilege and stop whining. You are buying a house you called perfect, assuming you can afford it easily, and youre within 30 minutes of friends/family. Grow up.
My sister & her family lived in Wake Forest for years and I visited frequently.
Durham, Raleigh and Wake Forest / other surrounding communities all seemed like they bled into one another - I never really noticed any discerning differences.
You are moving 20 minutes away - not 2 hours.
I’m with your husband on this one. It sounds like you are getting cold feet and reaching for any reason to back out.
Raleigh and Durham are right next to each other…
$7500 is not the end of world if you must.