So this is related to a difficult aunt so I didn’t know where to post, but it’s also related to my abusive dad so I thought here is fine.

I’m trying to get my disabled mother away from my father who is very abusive to her (doesn’t let her go out without him being there, delusionally jealous, rations food, takes her money, makes her walk on eggshells, just generally a cruel bully).

We would be moving to another city near our aunt, but the problem is that she’s ones of these types that are manipulative and think “family” means there’s no boundaries. Our family is brown and so this gets accepted as “normal” by the rest of the family, who don’t see a problem with her.

Also my mum’s brothers and sisters are difficult and victim blame her for the abuse she receives. They think it’s so simple to leave, they give long lectures but aren’t even a bit helpful. There is a rift in the family relationship which started due to my father not liking my mum’s family. But her family fuel it by not being understanding towards us. They criticise us a lot for many things which are actually caused by dad, and don’t want to understand it when she explain. We don’t feel like they are a safe space. We feel like they are self-absorbed and don’t understand our situation. My mum is weak and gets dominated by them, and they definitely don’t respect her boundaries. My mum stopped talking to her family for a while because they would harass her so much and she is very sensitive.

I know we’ll regret going near my aunt because she has a history of being manipulative. For example, my mum gets really unwell when there’s lots of visitors at our house. We’ve expressed this to them many times, but they just pretend that there’s going to be less people coming and then the whole family turns up without warning. If she wants something, she doesn’t care how anyone feels but if you do it back then you risk “family shame” for talking back to your elder, despite the fact that I’m almost 30 and she’s being inconsiderate.

The family revolves around my aunt and so there’s no easy way of getting away from her. If we cut off our aunt, the rest of the family will likely side with her because she controls the dynamics.

But to leave my father, we need support and we feel like we have to go near family for support - but we feel like we have no real family due to these kinds of behaviours (among many other things). My cousins (her children) are also cruel and I am very sensitive, so I don’t want to be near them either.

This is making it hard to leave my abusive father, but there are many other things too.

Here is a summary of my issues:

-Seriously disabled mother

-Abusive father who has committed fraud, abuse, among other things. But I don’t want to involve authorities and have him go to jail/suffer. He is always loving to me but not to mother.

-Hard to visit a bank/lawyer/property agent because dad gets suspicious / monitors us due to previous attempts we took to get help

-I am worried about leaving because no local council care services seem adequate for mum’s needs, which causes further uncertainty about her health and the future. She has serious OCD/germophobia which I don’t think carers would understand. She requires people to wash their hands if they touch anything that has been outside (like a phone for example, and people tend to get annoyed at this).

-High likelihood of me completely sacrificing my life to become my mum’s carer if we leave my dad

-Dad sacrificed his career to look after us so I find it hard to hurt him. I’m worried about my father being alone if we leave. He has no friends or support network, has his own physical/mental health issues, can’t use technology and is generally vulnerable (until it comes to attacking my mum ofcourse).

-I have no kind supportive friends (they are all people who bullied me throughout my life and who know everyone in my small city so I can’t get away from them)

-No kind/understanding relatives (don’t respect boundaries, manipulate, they victim blame and attack us, aren’t understanding)

-I don’t even have a woman by my side and no experience at almost 30 (super religious family). Getting to that age where I’m expected to have been married.

-Many negative consequences of leaving father (local reputation/physical/legal) and leaving current comfortable Doctor/NHS dentist (which are scarce)

-Scared of conflict and dealing with new doctors/landlords/managers/carers/letting agents. People that deny you things that you need.

-Failing family business which I’m expected to run

-Inheritance at risk

-Useless therapist who doesn’t help

-Failing at my career

-Living costs rising & services failing/general gloomy feeling about life

-No energy/motivation

-Below average abilities & too timid

-Overweight & short lol

-Shame / embarrassed at being weak. Many people including my aunt said I’m not a real man which makes me feel more inadequate.

-Current living conditions are cramped, dirty, cluttered & chaotic

-Generally scared / feel like time is running out

It feels like I was born to fail and this feels impossible to get out of.

I can’t even kill myself to escape this because my mum will be on her own, with no good people around her.

This is very complex, so I don’t know if anyone can give good advice, but any thoughts would be appreciated.