UPDATE: I am pressing charges. Thanks everyone. It’s just so hard.
I’ve been estranged from my mother for two years. Had to get legal help to stop her from harassing me. Lawyer sent a cease and desist. Since then my dad moved in with us and now she drives by the house regularly.
A couple nights ago she was here and ran into our mailbox, destroying the post. She fled the scene. I filed a police report and they verified it was her and went to her home. One of her reflective light covers came off so that was evidence.
Now cops asked if I want to proceed criminally. Says it would be a misdemeanor. On the one hand I think she should be held accountable, but on the other hand I could just make her pay for it and that’s it.
What should I do?
What would you do if it wasn't your mother ? But an ex harassing you ? IMO, if you set boundaries, you have to show you will defend it. She decided to do it, she should face consequences. Or prepare for worse.
You’re right.
Happy Cake Day. Consider it a celebration of your freedom! Press charges!
By failing to hold her accountable, she will learn she can get away with destroying your property. This will get worse if you don't nip it in the bud.
File charges.
Yeah, she did it to see whether you're serious about no contact and having the law involved. Make it very clear you are!
Criminal conviction will make a civil case--if necessary--for costs and loss-of-use very simple.
If money would deter her from doing shitty stuff to “punish” you, she wouldn’t have done it in the first place.
file the charges
If she continues to escalate, having a misdemeanor on her record already may help the court take it more seriously. It also may make it easier for you to get a restraining order.
File it's a paper trail for if and when she does something worse
In her eyes she does no wrong. She is the type that will not stop without outside intervention. File the charges. Especially if you need to escalate to a restraining order, you want this as more evidence.
This is a FEDERAL crime. Your post office may be of greater help in elevating this than your local PD.
Just saying.
THIS! THE POSTMASTER DON'T PLAY WITH THE MAIL!
Saw a story a few months back about a guy's neighbor that had piratey fingers. Postmaster had a full on raid conducted thanks to the evidence the guy provided. The piratey neighbor was sentenced to federal time.
What would you do if a kind stranger had accidentally run into it?
What would you do if a mean stranger had deliberately run into it?
In isolation I think in the first case I’d let them pay to fix it and leave it at that. In the second option I may also consider letting them pay.
But given the litany of ongoing issues, if it were someone else, I’d file charges
Yeah, I should have added a mean stranger with the same stalkerish history as a third option. I think you're homing in what you want to do.
Strangers don’t stalk you to your house and cause this problem
til stalkers are never strangers
Proceed criminally. If you let her get away with it, she’ll just keep going.
Many of us are so conditi9ned to take all their abuse and not react or file charges.
Part of healing ofr us is to protect ourselves and to stand up for us as well.
File the charges and take her to small claims to get restitution if that's not able to be part of the charges.
You've already sent a cease-and-desist letter, which she is ignored and destroyed your property. Filing a report and pressing charges charges should be enough to help you escalate into a court order. The money may not deter her, but reputation may. Public record and all.
I would press charges. I'm fresh out of fucks at the moment.
I wish I could give you two updoots.
I would pursue charges. if she's harassing you, this is evidence. if you want her to stop, this is one way.
Yes, proceed criminally. This is how my family of origin enables - my youngest brother broke into the home and stole items as a teenager. My mother never did anything. The same brother trafficked drugs and caught federal charges, she took him back in after 16 years of prison in 2020, and his kid always acted like an asshole bc he was in a very dangerous and neglectful home but “at least he lived with his mother.” I couldn’t do anything, had no firsthand knowledge of the situation, meanwhile my mother refused to report to CPS or get them help. He’s now 20, lives with my mother (his grandmother), no GED. My mother took my addict brother back in when he was released from prison in 2020, along with my brother’s addict wife. He went back to jail for a year for battery against his wife in 2024. She got a DUI and lost custody of her children, except her youngest son whose father is MIA. Guess who will probably grow up to be an asshole?? No one is held accountable to this day - it’s always someone else’s fault. The bad behaviors will never stop unless they face real consequences and actually get clean.
Several of my nephews have been on a similar trajectory as my youngest brother. My oldest brother is an addict living on the streets, or just paranoid and very mentally unwell. He used to write me letters making wild accusations. The middle brother is simply an ass, married 3x, womanizer, 2 out of 3 sons are asses. He never held them accountable and he has never acknowledged that he’s a flawed person. The only reason the youngest of his sons isn’t an ass - he was mainly raised by a different man.
But I’m a bitch for pointing it out. I’m a snob for graduating from high school and college. If being successful makes me the black sheep, cool. I don’t tolerate BS and I don’t hesitate to hold ppl accountable. My 💩actually stinks LESS than theirs, because I acknowledge it. I apologize. I clean up and learn from it. I’m not perfect. I’ve fought hard for my marriage. My kids aren’t perfect. But I’ll be damned if they turn out to be unrepentant addicts or assholes.
My youngest brother is an alcoholic and lives with her along with his family. He apparently got a DUI a week ago too. We used to be close and then she roped him right into her crazy.
Absolutely pursue her legally. Misdemeanor or not, you stay consistent and keep letting her feel the consequences.
They don't give a shit about how upset we are, or a few dollars in exchange for taking out their anger on us.
But start giving them that permanent record, they give themselves a time limit on how many things they can do before they start losing their autonomy. That's the only thing that will make sure they leave you alone.
File the charges. If you don't she'll be back to do worse.
Here's the thing about a cease & desist warning: in order for it to have any meaning, then continued lawbreaking must be followed up with action.
In the US, this is normally handled by postal inspectors.
https://www.uspis.gov/news/scam-article/mailbox-vandalism
https://www.uspis.gov/report
I looked at both those sites earlier and there’s nowhere to report mailbox vandalism on the report website. Also elsewhere on USPS website it says personal mailbox damage should be reported to local police.
It seems USPIS only wants to deal with mail damage, theft, fraud, and so on.
But I could be wrong.
Actions have consequences. Hold her accountable, file the charges.
My father pled guilty to a felony a few years before we estranged. Ruined his public reputation and career. A few years ago, he started calling my work. My boss, who I told the briefest of backstory to when it started, intercepted a call. He played the "woe is me, we are worried about her safety" angle. My boss told him if he called again, or tried to contact my job, she'd file a police report for harassment.
He's never tried again. Having another charge when there's already a record isn't a good thing when you go in front of the judge. File the charges. It'll actually make her think twice the next time she wants to try to contact you. And as others have said, contact the postmaster too.
The C&D obviously means nothing to her. She gets charged, the judge may add "no contact with the victim" to her sentence. This means any future contact attempts can be considered violations of the sentencing and can probably add on more criminal charges.
Press charges. This may finally give you peace.
If it was an abusive ex-spouse would you call the cops? I would. Sending love ❤️
Not even our mailboxes are safe from the wrath of estranged parents.
Press the charges
Press charges!!!
Press charges for sure. If you don’t she will just do something else to you. Maybe something to physically hurt you or your family. That’s my advice. Many people only stop bad behavior via consequence.
I would do the same to her as if it were a random stranger. Hell yeah I'd press charges.
Press charges! She’s escalating and you need to protect yourself.
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Don't underestimate the value of court proof for a situation like this. It's less about accountability but more about power for you if the situation escalates. This gives you more credit to claims that she's harassing you and gives you a better position in court if something else happens later on.
Also, appeasement politics has never worked in the history of the human mind.
When my mother tried to beat me with a tool, her flying monkeys said ah but she's your mother she wouldn't actually and berated me for getting a restraining order.
What I said to myself and what I'm telling you now, if anyone else had done this to you, a stranger, a friend, a coworker, you would've called the police immediately and went through with all charges. Family doesn't get a free pass because you share DNA.
Press charges, make her pay.