I am on the verge of cutting off my mum (couchsurfing currently) and I don’t feel like I’ve done enough to fix things, but I also feel like: what can I actually expect from myself here? So, what did you do before estranging that made you feel youd really done everything you could reasonably expect yourself to do?
Any attempts I’ve made to work things out with her have blown up in my face almost immediately (as in, they turn into an argument as she gets defensive), but I also feel guilty for not being able to manage a productive conversation with her.
I feel like things could be OK with more distance, but I made the mistake of living with her (long story) and I’m not sure how that could even follow from the fallout from this, or even if it’s worth the lessons I’m reinforcing about love = accepting repeated mistreatment without expecting an apology.
There were several other factors that led me to go no contact with my mother. The straw was she was needing to get into physical rehab and wanted to go where I worked at the time. Her case worker got ahold of me and said my mother decided not to go since they didn't allow smoking. When I told her all she would say was "who told you that?" When I asked her to acknowledge that it was hurtful she shot back that I always hated her.
While she isn't wrong, the reasons I don't love her all revolve around her poor decisions.
I’m sorry to hear this happened to you. “You always hated me” is such a godawful immature response from her.
It’s helpful to know there was a straw that broke the camel’s back moment (rather than it gradually becoming apparent over time and sort of coming together one day).
A lot of what helped me is Whitney Goodman’s content, primarily things she’s shared about how parents should be the leaders of the relationship. Even when we’re adults, there’s still the entire childhood history and an inherent power imbalance. I was the one doing all the work to try to make things better while my parents just keep doing exactly the same shit. I finally realized it’s not my job to save the relationship.
Oh, neat — I think I’ve seen her on TikTok, maybe interviewing Lindsay Gibson? I’ll take another look.
Thanks for sharing this with me. Your parents’ behaviour sounds unfortunately familiar, but it sounds like youve dealt with it in an empowering way. Like, the cutoff point being how willing they were (or rather, weren’t) to change the behaviour, rather than your powers to convince them to change said behaviour…
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