I have been estranged from my abusive mother for over 2 years. Since then, my extended family, including my maternal grandparents, have been slowly distancing themselves from me.
I have been struggling with the isolation this has been causing and I confided in my father about this pattern. He is not married to my mother so I thought I could express these feelings without any fear.
Last Tuesday, I realized that I had not solidified plans with my father for Christmas so I called him to see what his plans were. When I suggested an afternoon rendezvous, he said that I should avoid that timeframe and come in the morning because my mom would be coming over to his place in the afternoon with her new husband.
I have been conflicted about my feelings since that conversation. On the one hand, he technically didn’t do anything wrong. It is his house so he can invite whoever he wants over. He also respected my boundaries by telling me in advance so I did not have to be in the same room. On the other hand, I am really pissed about the whole thing. The fact that he made the plans with her first makes me feel like another family member is prioritizing her over me. It also makes me rethink some of the conversations where he has suggested reconciliation in a different light.
My support system has already collapsed to just my wife and him so I am not thrilled at the prospect of another parental estrangement. Does anyone know how I can communicate my hurt? For others who have seen their support system disappear like this, how did you balance these feelings of betrayal that come from family that still remained in contact but respect boundaries?
All I can currently say is that I empathize. I never was remotely close to my extended family growing up, and all grandparents are dead, so when I went NC with my parents, all I had left was my brother.
It is hard.
Is it possible that your mom called first to make plans and the reason he seemingly "prioritized" her is as simple as that? Or is there some additional reason you're feeling like he's favoring her?
That’s what I think about. But if she called first, why not solidify the plans with me first, when you know I don’t want to see her? And he has continued to see my family when they come in town, even when he knows they are making no effort to see me. Idk. I might be sensitive but I feel like I am in a situation where “keeping the peace” means isolating me.
Yeah, I mean at minimum it's probably fair to say he probably doesn't prioritize this as much as you do. I don't get the sense from what you've said that he meant that as an attack, but it seems like you're hoping for more in the way of direct solidarity and he might not be capable of giving you that. He sounds either just aloof or is trying to be ostensibly neutral. IME it's not uncommon for extended family to be sort of this way where they assume the situation to be a temporary spat they don't take overly seriously no matter how much you insist it's more serious than that.
If you can articulate your need from him in the form of a specific request of what you want him to do differently next time I could see that as maybe clarifying for both of you (ex: please don't wait for me to reach out if mom has already talked to you). But if you just come at him with the accusation that he's prioritizing your mom, I could see that going poorly.
First, your feelings are valid.
Second, your father is not a safe person to maintain a relationship with given the information nation you have provided here.
Third, I think it would be wise to expand your support system outside of your family. Individual therapy, safe spaces like this one, in person support groups, what have you.
Thank you for the observation. I do want to keep him in my life but I might have to go low contact for now.
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