"Because it's MY house and I'm in charge."

Wasn't even her fucking house

Mine did the 'i LOVE you but I don't LIKE you very much'

The 'everytime you say you hate me a part of my love chips off and dies' making it clear once it was gone, it was gone. I've realised that when I was screaming "I hate you" I was actually screaming that I was terrified of her and what she was doing/going to do to me.

'If you didn't have such a big nose you'd be beautiful' (which when she berated me later in life for not having body confidence she claimed she never said and that she'd NEVER have said that as she thought SHE had a big nose. Sure mother, I had a whole massive insecurity about what I looked like out of nothing....)

'Sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never hurt you' was the only response to a lifetime of really nasty verbal bullying at school.

'He's just trying to get a rise out of you, just ignore him and he'll stop it" about the persistent verbal abuse and degradation from my father. Again thats the most she'd engage on it.

'Oh here come the crocodile tears again' 'cry baby' 'primadonna' everytime I had an emotional reaction to anything, so if I was crying because I was scared, grieving, confused, upset by something. Every single time. And usually getting my brother in on it too.

'You've made your bed you can lie it' from when I was very small and if I made a mistake and there were really unpleasant or devastating consequences. 

Interestingly I would imagine she'd not take it very well if I replied to her demands for me to drop NC with the exact same back at her.

'You're just fussing, shut up' anytime I was terrified by anything.

Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry for

"You'd be so pretty if you just lost some weight."

Looking back, I was a size 10 in high school. My brain tells me I was a whale, pictures prove otherwise. I had an ED by the age of 8.

"It hurts me more than it hurts you."

No mom, I'm pretty sure holding that wooden spoon is not hurting you at all. Me getting beat with it, however, fucking hurt. 

‘Why are you being so sensitive?’ Whenever I tried to set boundaries or tell them something hurt my feelings. I’ve met people who not only consider those boundaries but respect them too.

‘You’ll never have it this easy again’ By framing the world as this big terrible thing that would treat me worse then they did, they tried to make it seem as though they were the best option. I’m so blessed to have learned that to be the exact opposite of the truth.

There were plenty more, but I’m exceptionally grateful to have learned through experience most of those phrases to be complete BS. I wish everyone the best in their healing journeys

"You're too sensitive"

"You're twisting my words"

"Stop crying wolf"

"No wonder you don't have any friends"

"It's your fault"

I no longer speak to that vile bitch.

Oh my dad was full of them.

Still funny, can't wait to use this line against him when he begs me to visit his deathbed: as the Russians say, tough shit-skis!

Still makes me feel small and worthless, even though I haven't heard it in 20 years: you're so full of shit your eyes are brown. (Heard that one daily for years.) Please note I got my eye color from him...)

“I had it way worse than you have it”

So that makes it okay?

Claiming she did noting about my CSA done at the hands of her husband because "I lie". Then doing nothing again after he decided to confess. Then telling me to " get help" in a mocking way when I wouldn't shut up about it. "There was no penetration" haunted me for years. She baited my aunt, the only safe adult I thought I had in my life into saying that one after triangulating to ensure I wouldn't be properly cared for by people I loved and felt safe with. And I still kept in contact with the witch for at least another 10 years!

Because I said so.

I vowed that I would never tell my child that, and I haven't.

My personal favorite: if I wasn't Catholic, you wouldn't be here.

While watching television in the living room seemingly harmoniously with my mother:

”[Cat], you’re the only one who truly loves me.”

At the time it devastated me; almost two decades later, I did not attend her funeral.

“You’re such a martyr.” - Any time I was upset, no matter how young or valid. Guess who grew up being unable to express their feelings 🫠

“I’ll just run away and never come back because I’m such a terrible mother.” - Any time she was upset, usually after being told she did something hurtful

“I don’t know who you are anymore, why don’t you love me” - When I started growing a spine and setting boundaries

“I am the queen, and you will never be the queen” “Who would stay around for you? Who would want you?” “No cream cheese, the world hates fat girls” (I was 5) “Go ahead and run away. I’ll pack the bag for you” “You will never be a better bulimic than me, your Dad hates fat women.” (Upon finding ipecac, I was 15) “I have always hated you, because you remind me of your father. Your face makes me sick.” “Are you thinking of killing yourself? Do you ever dream of it? Do you think it would be easier that way? Maybe it would”

There are sooooooo many more. Four years of no contact. My Dad enabled her, later left her for his mistress and his whole family acted as if it were all normal. I gave the extended family four years of limited contact, but have recently decided that no contact is better. The good news is that I have two beautiful kids, a great husband, so many years of therapy, and so much healing. I highly recommend Internal Family Systems as a therapy approach, it has made all the difference for me. To all who are on this healing journey, I send love. This is not easy stuff, but it was never about us. Be proud to break the cycle.

It was always -- particularly after gaslighting me -- it was always this smug, "yeah, sure" with an eye-roll and this look down their noses of pure contempt, like they were enjoying this secret little joke about how stupid their child was.

It was always, me trying to tell them something about my own life or experience. I like this food, I didn't like that movie, I wouldn't want to do this, I didn't want to ever have children, just things like that about my own life. But apparently my parents thought I was always lying (because that would benefit me somehow) and instead, everything I said with this instant dismissal and, "we know better than you".

And I get it, now, looking back. This is emotional abuse, coercive control. "We are the lens through which you exist, so we will tell you who you are and what you like". It's incredibly destructive, and I doubt I'll ever forgive them for it.

I just wanted someone to listen to me, and they never did. I hate them for it, you know, I really do.

And I just remembered, whenever I was ever in any kind of emotional distress, all I ever got from my mother was, "get over it" or "get happy" or "deal with it". Because spitefully accusing somebody, "you don't want to get better, do you?" is the most-effective way that you treat someone with multiple mental health disorders, right? God, she was awful.

You’re exactly like your father…

who was emotionally and physically abusive to her for years, as well as cheating on her and leaving when I was 8.

No one does anything for me

I once worked a morning shift at Dunkin’ Donuts for months, so I could help out with mortgage and utilities while going to school.  Her response when I gave it to her

I take a shit with your 100 hundred dollars.

"No man will ever want to touch you if you're fat".

I was eating more because he was molesting me.

i got a lot of “i’m your parent not your friend” from my mom growing up + now that all four of her kids have moved a minimum five hours away + rarely call, she’s big struggling

“Your emotions never matter. I’m the adult period.” Usually said after she would storm off and lock herself in her room and refuse to explain to anyone why she was mad. Mostly resulted in me crying desperately at her door because I didn’t understand.

“It wasn’t really rape”

“You were my mom in a past life” mixed with “you chose to be born to me”

“I didn’t know you were so sensitive”

“I need a different daughter”

I’ll give you a reason to cry.

Mine both constantly called me ugly. Then randomly would call me beautiful and “why can’t you see that?” Oh, I wonder why someone hearing they’re ugly multiple times a day…

I must have been a devil child / satan worshipper bc I preferred wearing black. Yet spawn point said black was slimming for her…

Stepdouche called me a bitch whenever I was alone / she wasn’t there. I remember putting on my shoes before school, maybe middle school, & him calling me a B. I hadn’t said a word that morning so not sure what I did to deserve that one.

That I didn’t deserve privacy, it’s their house. (going through my trash, the tiny diary I tried to start but quickly learned that wasn’t safe, getting dressed in private was a privilege)

The typical, “you’ll never amount to anything.” Similar phrases & disgust over and over. Then taking credit for any success I had behind my back, never direct praise.

I never said that, that didn’t happen, if it did it wasn’t that bad etc etc

A lot of these resonate with me, and still I’ll add some of my intricacies:

Dad

• “None of you care about me, I might as well go hang myself in the backyard.”

• “You’re either going to end up on drugs or pregnant in a cult.” (says the man in a cult)

• “I won’t be your whipping post.”

• “What am I being blamed for this time?” (family meeting with therapist after I tried to unalive myself for the nth time)

• “I’m done with the drama. That’s all you people live for.”

——————

Mom - “You’re such a coward.”

• TW: homophobic slurs “You look like such a dyke, faggot in that outfit! I’m just trying to protect you.”

• “Don’t wear that, you’ll make your father uncomfortable.” (meanwhile both of them were already molesting years before that)

Anytime I would question the highly inappropriate behavoir or high risk situations I was put in when I was a kid..." YoUr CrAzY! " Cue screaming at the top of her lungs and losing her mind and crying for however long she felt I deserved. Later in therapy I was told I had to be told I was crazy so I wouldn't have the confidence to seek outside guidance or help and she could maintain control.

You will never graduate high school and won't even be able to be a garbage man. Truth: I was in honors classes in HS and never failed any classes - never! I ended up being the only child who found an awesome career that is perfect for me, make 3x more money than any of them, and been happily married for 30+ years.

<Husband> is going to leave you because you travel for work. You aren't a good wife. He totally supports my career and it's only 4-6 times a year.

Your husband is way too good for you. He should have married your (golden child) sister.

You are a horrible person. If your friends and their parents knew what you were like at home, you would be alone. She later told serious lies about me to multiple people, including my guidance counselor, that ruined my senior year. Thankfully my guidance counselor knew my mother well and quickly realized it was all lies. But some of my friends parents weren't quick to forget or disbelieve. Truth: I never got into trouble, ever. Not once did she receive a call from school. I worked from the age of 14, had a high pressure/time consuming sport, and was in multiple honor roll classes throughout HS. I have no idea when I had the time to get into all the trouble she dreamed up in her mind.

(My abuser referring to me) "she doesn't need self esteem, she just needs to do as she's told."

(Me fighting off my abuser sexually harassing me) "both of you shut up, I'm trying to watch my show." -my mom

"I have nothing nice to say about you to other people" -my mom. (Meanwhile, I get along with basically everyone...)

"You faked it to make me look bad." -my mom referring to my suicide attempt at 16

I forget how it was phrased, but he blamed his SA of me on the fact that I'm an atheist.

There's more but it's mostly incoherent screaming and sexual harassment that I've mostly blocked from my memory.

Some things are unforgivable.

“I’m the adult, you’re the child.”

However, I was by far the most intelligent and emotionally mature person in that house, and he knew it.

"Im your parent, not your friend."

That one still stings.

Hmm. “You’re so fat/ugly/awful that no man will ever love you.”

“I wish I’d never had children. You’ve all been a waste of my life.”

Plus all of the usual. “I’ll give you something to cry about.” “You’re here because of me. You do what I say!” “Because I said so.” “I’m the adult and YOU are the child.”

"You're a failure as a son", followed by "I never said that." Plenty of "how can you make me choose?" regarding me refusing to see the brother who tried to kill me a handful of times/not pretending everything's fine for the holidays...

So, so many, usually of the histrionic lovebombing type til the mask inevitably slipped. Then it was gems like

"Even your father knows what you're like, that's why he's never around". Uh. Thanks.

My mother said I was her greatest test in life, that her boys were perfect little angels and I needed constant shaping and polishing. Largely, it was apparent that they both wished I'd been yet another boy.

A lot of these were used as I was being screamed at for something I supposedly did.

Plus this one if someone was acknowledged to have done me harm in any way: “What do you want me to do? Take them in the yard, tie them to a tree, and shoot them?”

(Totally appropriate question to ask a 7 yr old when being framed for sneaking cookies or after her Barbie was stolen… /s)

"I'm the only one who has your best interests at heart." She always said it after saying horrible things to me, too.

If your friends knew what you were really like no one would like you

I dont know what I did to deserve such an awful daughter. No one gets treated like I do

I'll give you something to cry about

If you don't start doing _____ for your husband he's going to end up leaving you for someone better who will.

"You're merely my daughter" with a sneer in her tone and eyes.

“You’re not really crying, you’re just making noise”

”I had children so I’d always have an audience”

Personal favorite because it’s so pathetic in retrospect: “I spent seventeen hours in labor to give birth to my sister’s kid” (nmom was big, my aunt and I have a smaller frame, but nmom openly resented me for not being as ugly and miserable as she felt, since I existed to be a vessel for her to pour all her negative emotions into)

“ I do everything for you “

This was often used to downplay my feelings and experiences.

When she found out I was SHing, it was “ but why! I do everything for you! “

When we would argue, and should would antagonize me to the point of meltdown, it was “ but I do everything for you. “

Not a catch phrase but the most scarring and borderline evilly villainous thing I’ve had said to me was “ you don’t actually want a dad, you just want the title of a dad “ from my step dad. lol.

I’ve never heard “I love you, but I don’t like you” that’s absolutely disgusting and horrible, I’m so sorry your parents would say that to you. My personal favourite in my life was Me: “mom you’re being an assh*le to me right now” My mom: “I’m allowed to, I provide you with resources” And we never talked again (She uses gift giving as a form of control, to alleviate her own fear and shame)

"You're acting like your father!" if I showed the slightest anger, discontent, didn't want to do something for her, or attempted to set any kind of boundary. 

My father was a violent criminal, drug addict, and stalker, and we spent most of my childhood running from him, so making the comparison to an 11-year old child who didn't want to go to the store at 9pm at night to get her more soda was ridiculous. 

"You're the only reason I'm still alive/ I'd kill myself if it wasn't for you."

And then:

"You weren't wanted" and "You were the product of <S.A>"

I also got the resource-based threats about her providing for me, etc.

When I was a kid I used to joke that my first name was Goddamnit. Because my dad always called me "Goddamnit Amanda!"

I thought it was a funny joke. But turns out it's one of those jokes that people look horrified about when you tell it.

My mom threw my miscarriage in my face and called my 13 year old daughter "a replacement baby". 

Damn I didn’t realize “I love you but I don’t like you” was so common. I can’t imagine saying that to a kid. I always grew up confused about whether they actually loved me, because they thought it was acceptable to say things like that.

My mom was very emotionally volatile and would freak out, punch walls/doors, scream, bite her fist etc. if she felt we provoked her. It was really disappointing being a small child constantly hearing “I’m sorry I did X but you made me do it, if you don’t make me act like that I won’t have to.” How? By being six and talking back to you? If I questioned the apology or asked her to promise to act differently next time or regulate her emotions she’d start up again. I still hate being apologized to. “I punch the wall so I don’t punch you” was also classic. Even as a terrified child I was able to find some humour in their “I’m an adult! I’m an adult!” temper tantrums. It felt like the roles were reversed.

“You’re in charge of how you feel”, my stepdad liked that one if we questioned why he was constantly bullying everyone in the family.

When I asked to seek help for suicide ideation my stepdad said “if you can’t handle being alive right now you won’t be able to handle the real world”. Said by a guy with no retirement plan who now lives almost entirely off his wife’s income and minuscule disability payments and alienated all the kids who might have been able to help him. He used to openly make fun of me for my health issues as well but expected me to have sympathy for him now that his health has caught up to him.

“At least we don’t drink, some parents are alcoholics and beat their kids” if we pushed back against the verbal abuse. You drive us to school high on pot but whatever.

Not sure if just screaming the r word repeatedly at her small child counts as a catchphrase but my mom liked that one as well.

“You’re so independent” … no? You neglected me and I had to parent myself

Because I said so

I got many of the perennial ones, but the one that always stuck out to me:

“You better marry well.” I’m basically useless and stupid and can’t do anything right in her eyes and better marry a man to do it all for me (misogynistic and homophobic in one go!) Turns out I can do things for myself just fine, it helps when I don’t have her yelling in my ear or criticizing me into a panic attack every five minutes.

Some other favorites: “Stop trying to cause problems between me and your dad and stepdad” (stepdad who was abusing me mind you), “You’re oversensitive toughen up,” “Stop making excuses for everything” (usually me reacting to something hurtful she said or did or me trying to explain I had untreated mental illness and some things were hard for me), “You inherited everything good from me and bad from your dad,” (my dad who she REALLY hates) and the ever common “I love you but I don’t like you.” I’m sure there are plenty of others I blocked out.

"You're lucky we didn't abort you."

"I could break your spirit like a horse if I wanted to." (Narrator: he actually really really tried to, and failed miserably. This particular threat was borne of his frustration that he couldn't).

"Stop that or I'll give you something to really cry about."

"You should be grateful - we gave you _______(insert some basic need, like water)."

"We didn't abuse you when we hit you because we didn't leave marks." - by Mother of the Year

Both of those were serious ouchies of my childhood.

I wish I aborted You

I wish you were never born

I have some poison, here, take it... kill yourself and leave me alone

Please get run over and die

You're going to put me in the mental hospital

Look what you made me do to your sister

"I wish you were never born. I should've only had one, but I went on to have two more."

"I wish you weren't here, but you are."

"After I throw you out you'll probably end up being a prostitute or an addict out on the street somewhere and I won't give a shit what happens, you'll probably die."

"No one loves me, I'm all alone. I don't got nobody who cares."

She once told me I wasn't lovable, that I was destined to be a loser who amounted to nothing...

I'm sure there's others but I've blocked them out probably for good reason.

Where to even begin! The ones that pop into my head immediately?

"I'm not your dad, you don't have a dad."

"You were found under a rock/on a rock/on the side of the road/on a fencepost" really any variation, he probably said it.

And his favorite greeting for me: "Hey, homely."

My mom just yelling "Tough!" at me if I had any grievances.

Mine used to tell me, when she had screamed and berated me to the point I would break down and sob, “you’re not the one who should be crying, I’M the one who should be crying”

My mom said those EXACT two things to me; along with “Stop crying, or else I’ll give you something to cry about!”

“I’m going to break every bone in your body”

"I'm going to trade you in for a mule, and shoot you"

No lie, it was said more than once to me.

"You're too sensitive." I'm autistic.

You are not a priority in this house.

“Just wait until your father gets home.” She didn’t much like when she was the victim of his temper, but she relished threatening her tiny children with it.

I hope you have a daughter JuSt LiKe YoU

That would have been awesome. But I had two boys. Very much like me in some ways and very much different than me in others. And guess what? We get along great. Because I'm not a dick to them.

When my mom would say the first phrase I’d laugh it off but now that I have a kid and don’t care about her feelings I’ve realize that, that shit is so fucked to say to your child

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My variant was, "I have to love her, but that doesn't mean I have to like her," which was often said about me to my golden child brother.

(from both parents, anytime my dad made me angry or uncomfortable): “You’ve got a real attitude, you know that?”

(from enabling mom about dad when he wasn’t around): “You know how your dad is.” (with the subtext of “And I won’t act on the responsibility I have as a parent to protect you from him because I don’t have enough self-worth to protect myself either.”)

Dad: “How much do you weigh?” Mom: silence

Both: various threats of getting out the belt and whipping us

Also, just the endless variations of being teased for liking anything they didn’t consider “normal” (which for white Midwesterners is functionally everything), then wondering why I don’t want to talk with them about, well, anything. My mom’s gotten a lot better about this as she gets older, but both are still just so unable to have conversations of real depth without becoming profoundly uncomfortable—and in my dad’s case, letting one of his many bigoted thoughts out his mouth.

“I’ll only love you if you do x y z”

“You’re going to miss me when I’m gone!” and “Be nice to me, I’m your mother!”

"If you don't behave, I'll put you in the orphanage."

“I wish I would have never had kids” “you were an accident” “i was on birth control with both of you”

"Don't say sorry, just don't do it again!!" came up a fair bit.

Shut the hole you breathe from when I was crying. I was like 3 or 4……

"If you do/don't do [random unimportant thing], you'll be looking for a new place to live."

Pretty difficult to process as a middle schooler.

"You're just like your father."

There were so many.

One that haunts me (probably because I groom horses and gently work through a lot of tangled manes) is: “We must suffer to be beautiful.”

This, because she insisted on keeping my hair butt-length even though i was a feral forest-dwelling child, and she would hack mercilessly through the tangles, burrs, and other stuff in my hair as I quietly cried.

Of note: She was not a high-maintenance beauty person herself.

When my brother gave me a chaotic haircut while we were left unsupervised, resulting in a short repair cut for me, I was absolutely delighted.

"So die already." This was said in response to me crying.

My mom tells everyone that my dad brainwashed me to hate her after l ran away to live with him at 16.

Like I lived with her for ten years, l only saw him 3-4 times because she kept us away from him, and being taken away by CPS twice, I have more than enough reason to hate her. The most insulting thing I’ve ever heard or that I will ever be told is that I can’t think for myself, and that I can be “turned” against someone, she did that all herself.

“You’re a dead c*nt “

My mom’s version was pure evil: “I love you because I have to but I do not like you very much.”. Gut punch.

Also: “I wish I had had an abortion.”

“why are you challenging me?” like mom i’m 8 years old i love you.

another one cuz she’s very religious. “There is no rest for the wicked.” She said this whenever i was having trouble sleeping.

"Do as I say, not as I do."

Aka - you lot follow the rules and make MY life easier but fuck you all.

Signed - my mother.

"Stop crying or I'll give you something to really cry about"

"You'll never get married because no one will ever love you".
Celebrating our 45th anniversary in June. 😉

"If it doesn't break you, it'll make you."

Translation: if you're not dead, don't come crying to me.

"Oooohhh.... you pooooooor little giiiirrrllll" Delivered sarcastically.

Not so much a catch phrase, more particular to my situation but it always cut deep when mom told me it should have died instead of my father.

I am a parent estranged from my own family and they've said terrible things mentioned by others in this thread, but now I'm wondering if I'm slightly villainous.

From what others have said:

*I love you but I don't like you

I have said I love you but I don't like your behavior or attitude right now

*You're disappointing/a disappointment

I have said I'm disappointed in you, always in the context of bad choices, like being caught doing graffiti with spray paint and having the police show up at our house for it

I have also said I'm disappointed in your choices/behavior so maybe better to say it that way?

*Eating disorder comments around weight

I have told my child they need to make better eating choices and be more active (yes we buy healthy choices to have available and encourage activity, but also yes we have junk food and I can't force my kid to be active)

They are an adult sized 13 year old (5'9", 250 lbs) and they do get bullied for being one of the biggest kids in their grade. I've always approached my comments from a health standpoint, as I have also always been a large person, even at my fittest I was considered overweight.

I always try to teach them to appreciate their body even if it's not what they would like it to look like or what others want them to look like, but I do also tell them that if they truly don't like it that diet and exercise will help and we're here to support them through that journey. I don't like what my body looks like, but I'm not on my gym journey to lose weight, I want functional strength and a healthy heart so I can stick around longer, and with that there will be weight loss, but it's not my goal, and I try to give them that same perspective.

Right now diet in particular is a struggle because the doctor said their blood pressure is too high, like could be on medication for it, but he wants us to make some lifestyle changes to see if we can get it down.

*I do want to add that more than I say these things I do tell my kid I'm proud of them, and I love them no matter what, I will always accept them for who they are (but that does not mean I will accept their actions if they are harmful), I tell them the positive traits I see in them, they're in therapy, I'm in therapy, and I want to do the best I can for them. I've never said the truly terrible shit my parents said (many echoed here by others)

I will also add that nothing is sugar coated in this house, for example, if you are doing something irritating, I will say please stop you are irritating me. If you're too loud I will say you are being too loud, please turn it down. If you're being sassy, I'm going to tell you you're being sassy and you need to reel in the attitude. If you're being mean, I'm going to say you're being mean and disrespectful or hurtful. I don't think these things are really wrong, but maybe it's harmful?