I know this has probably been posted a billion times, but I'm glad this reddit exists. I hope trans people don't get dragged here
My parents are conservatives, and I'm a trans man. I tried at first to just ignore them using my birth name and misgendering me, but as I've changed my legal name to my preferred name and have been on T for two years, I notice I always dread going over and seeing them. The final straw was realizing I'm starting to hate my birthday because I always get misgendered every year, it's inevitable.
My dad has also shown me recently that nothing in the past 2 years has made him budge or come around like people hope. Ot's obviously affecting him that I'm not talking to him, but he said "if [he] wants me to call him a purple dinosaur, I'm not going to call [him] a purple dinosaur"
Idiotic. Infantilizing my situation. Not empathetic at all to what I've been through feeling abandoned by them.
So I'm finally going to abandon them back.
I have a long letter I'll send and they can choose to read (and if they won't read it, then they don't need an explanation anyway) that I can DM if anyone really is curious, but otherwise...
Idk I just need support and success stories that everything is going to be alright
My wife and I haven’t known peace from my parents until I cut them off this past August. Do what you have to do.
Going NC without an explanation worked best for me. At least for the first few months so they could (HOPEFULLY) really get it. I think it takes off the pressure too to explain yourself bc truthfully, you shouldn’t need to.
I’m sorry your parents are assholes and that you’re having to go through this. But YOUVE GOT THIS!!!!
I straight up ghosted my mom and didnt explain myself until 4 years later. I absolutely recommend it to anyone who struggles with being pressured. They cant call your reasons stupid if they dont know exactly what they are. Even though they do know why you went nc because they were there treating you like shit.
Youve got this op. Its a beautiful thing when people are able to keep themselves safe. Also, this sub has been positive about trans and queer folks from my experience.
I went no contact 4 years ago. They never reached out to inquire once. Not surprising. They don’t care
Technically I am already low contact with them as is, but I hope this'll really hammer it home
If not, oh well, I'm moving half way across the country after January lol
would it be safer to tell them after you move in case they try to sabotage you?
Thankfully in my case there is no way, since I've been moved out for.... since mid 2022 technically? And I'm 22, so at this point it'd be a legal case :D
Sometimes. I think it's up to the person to weigh their situation.
On the other hand when you ghost them I think it does allow them to control the narrative a little more with neutral parties which can lead to other frustrations down the line.
Ghosting feels more appropriate to me in situations where it's either literally physically dangerous to confront your parents or when it's more of a "death of a thousand cuts" situation where you're going to get bogged in details trying to explain. In OPs case it seems like there's a very clear and specific boundary they can point to. ie: "saying things like that I'm claiming to be a purple dinosaur put me under the impression that you don't really respect me".
I completely agree. I named the reasons and he claimed he had no idea why. It gave me closure and reminded me that he would rather be delusional than accept responsibility. It freed me from thinking about it in a way.
Parents sure have a hard time “remembering” their child’s new first name but have no problem remembering their child’s married name as soon as they get married… coincidence I think not. It’s on purpose.
Oh yea definitely
I have a beard. I've legally changed my name, it's on my ID and passport and now birth certificate, and they're the only people who do it [,:
my gfs brother is a trans man and they misgendered and deadnamed him for 10+ years. cut them off
the raisedbynarcissists subreddit had a good sidebar post in letters so you can decide if you want to send one
I'm so sorry you need to be here, but I'm so glad you've come. It's a different journey for each of us, but I can tell you that the years since I cut off my parent have been the happiest and most peaceful of my life.
I'm not going to give you a bunch of ideas of what might happen, because it wont do you any good to worry about things that haven't happened yet. But I will say that when you need us, we'll be here.
Please be patient with yourself. You're on a difficult path, but I promise it will be worth it in the end.
Remember these words op. Not the crap those other people spew. This is what loving parents should say to someone they are bound to support and protect when they give birth. They gave birth to the person that you are. You are perfection and they are complete failures.
It's very peaceful. It is an adjustment, but try to keep busy until it becomes normal for you. After you adjust, there is a peace that feels amazing. I would suggest that you don't discuss with people who aren't in the same situation as you (estranged) because they are very judgemental.
Not necessarily so. People have asked why I am NC with my parents. I tell them the pg-13 rated version and they look at me and go Holy shit. I would have cut them off too. I have told a few the not toned down version of events and they look mortified and ask how I am not in jail.
I do agree lmao I tell my partner things, and even without my dad being transphobic, he's just an asshole. Some of the things I say happened make him really concerned
The things the man has said to my wife about me are insane. The things he has said to my wife are borderline SA. And his behavior towards people in general is absolutely atrocious. Blood doesn't matter. Its about acceptance and support. For instance: I am a straight man, in a traditional marriage. I do not need to understand nor does it matter if I know why or the reasoning you made to transition. That was your choice and kudos it takes a lot of courage to follow your heart. I hope you find the peace and self appreciation that comes with walking away from toxic unhealthy relationships and create the boundaries you need to feel fulfilled in your life.
It's been a long time coming before transition even. I was occasionally going over and putting up with them for free food and financial support occasionally, but I always went home disappointed and it would take a full hour just to negotiate obtaining 1,000 dollars to help with with car repairs and shifting the deal I had made of "hey, I want 1,000 to help me pay student loans you practically forced me into- but my car just broke down, can I have the 1,000 for that instead and call it even?"
Meanwhile my partner just gives it to me with the expectation I pay him back slowly when I had my nose surgery. It should not be a negotiation to get help from your parents
So like...what's the point in keeping them at this point
I get it. Support shouldn't come with the condition that verbal abuse to follow as requisite for asking for help.
That is your experience, not mine. It's not easy to make people understand what you have gone through over a period of time and I don't want to have to discuss the personal details of my life to every person I see or attempt to speak with. Your partner or close friends is different.
The reality is that being estranged from your parents is seen as abnormal by society.
I think it is becoming a lot more normal now days.
Take the big step to not await till January. You will feel liberated.
The only reason I havnt done it already, was I had to use my mom's insurance to pay for my nose surgery and the bill is almost paid down on our end. I just don't want the insurance to be canceled or something and the claims to be rethought before they're paid
Night not be an issue but I don't really want to risk it
It will be alright, even if it's difficult at first, but remember this is about protecting YOU, not punishing them. Especially when it comes to being queer. It's one thing to misgender/dead name occasionally while they get used to change but this is entirely different with them outright refusing to accept you. They probably feel especially emboldened with how the political climate is right now.
You deserve to live your truth and be respected and loved for it. Our families are not always the people we share blood with.
Everyone's experience is different but there is a general consensus that initially it can be REALLY difficult at first. A lot of guilt, shame, questioning oneself. Often times these were installed into us by our parents, and it's important to hold steadfast and honor yourself. When those feelings finally subside it's wonderful. Life is finally YOURS.
It does help that I never really liked my dad, but two of the family I'm going low/NC with its been a little harder
But it's even harder hearing the transphobic things they spout- especially with my grandma saying "they're only kicking trans peeps out the military bc they're getting rid of all the creeps"
As I was actively trans and looking to enlist on the national guard
So it's a little easier when shit like that is said, but still hard adjusting
I am so very proud of you for having the strength to be who you are. The hardest thing to do is be yourself.
I think a great way to start the year, is to start it fresh. I went NC on my 40th birthday. I started my 40s fresh, and it's been the most peaceful, almost, 4 years of my life.
I appreciate your courage, and please, continue being your true self.
Funny enough being myself now is a lot easier than trying to conform to them
Like, obviously yea, but I forget I'm trans half the time and just fill my days with events to ignore not having parents. All my friends are a lot more accepting too and I don't have to get up every Sunday to go to church anymore or worry about saying the wrong thing "politically" . All I gotta do is eat and take my shots :]
The only people giving me trouble are the government and my parents, otherwise I'm just vibing lol
I'm glad you can still find peace in your 40's with that
I'm sorry for what you are going through. You are very strong. It would be hard to deal with their behavior.
I went no contact over five years ago. My n-mother expected me to be the parent, therapist and punching bag. She projected all of her negative behavior on me. I was expected to do her will even though I was in my forties.
It is entirely healthy to take care of yourself and avoid such negativity. Family is not necessarily blood. I don't regret my choice. I wish I had done it sooner sometimes. I can breathe and feel at peace. I'll send you positive thoughts.
Solidarity and anything you need, my friend. You matter. Your existence matter. And those that gave birth to you, don't matter anymore.
Trans guy here, coming out precipitated my estrangement from over half my family but I wouldn't do things any differently. Protect yourself and your peace. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. ❤
Coming out has definitely helped me realise that half of my family are assholes and I was right not to get close to them I'm the first place :]
I made it very clear to my father that I was going to go no contact, and why, if he continued to behave as he was. I even provided a clear timeline. My speech to him was essentially "If you insist on continuing to act this way, you will lose me." He didn't believe he would lose me, and thought he could continue acting as he was. He lost me. After I went NC, my husband stated that my mental health improved significantly.
It still hurts from time to time, and I still grieve the relationship with my father that I had hoped for, but he was never capable of providing, but at the end of the day it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I still hold space for the (very) few positives he contributed to my life, while also recognizing the many ways in which he hurt me, and continued to cause harm to me prior to cutting him off.
I hope your parents come around, OP. But if they never do, you are still valued, valid, and important.
My brother went NC for a time due to politics and my dad learned from that a little, at the very least (and as far as I know since my brother is 5 years older and on the other side of the country). I hope the letter I'll send (if he reads it) will underscore why I'm leaving and the pain caused. It's to the point I'd love a new last name if I could come up with one or marry my current partner.
I find it funny that my dad (midwest) was so harmful that he pushed both his kids to opposite sides of the country. I'm going east coast in January and my brother is west coast
Now i get to have the east-west rivalry with my brother lmao
You're strong and resilient and way better off to be free of the burden of their bigotry and terrible assumptions. No longer dreading visits that feel mandatory (but aren't) will take so much weight off your spirit.
Don't look back. They have nothing to offer you. You deserve unconditional love and respect and I'm proud that you're taking such a huge step.
Hopefully I'll be able to save up and see my brother more often if I don't have to expect seeing my parents:>
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saving this for later as a trans guy who will probably be going LC/NC in the next 5 years, good luck o7
I cut them off initially when I moved out, but needed help and was sentimental. Now financially stable, I'd come back for food sometimes and something to do, but it just got so miserable.
Now that I'm moving half way across the country, no better time than now. Just gotta tie up loose ends
yeah, im waiting until i have some money saved up after college. at least youll be in a new place too, which should help.
Hopefully, the job market will be better for you :> I had to drop out of college to support myself financially since I knew I wouldn't have anywhere to go for the summer
I'm thinking about looking into healthcare, though, see if there's anything for me. In my state (that I'm moving out of in january), you don't need a certificate or degree to be a phlebotomist, so that's neat
Do it now!! Don’t wait
I said in another comment, but only real reason I havnt is I used my mom's insurance to get nose surgery, and I don't know what would happen if she kicked me off. Sure the claim is processed, but I don't know of that would reprocess the claim without insurance?
Assuming since they already sent me the bill that they won't, but better safe with 1200 medical debt than 20k
Hi, I'm also a trans man! My dad not being supportive of my transition was a major part of why I ended up going NC. I could handle the misgendering and deadnaming, but him deliberately ignoring when I got surgery and never calling to check on me was what finally made me snap and start considering it.
I can't tell you what a massive relief it is to not have that energy in my life anymore. I have never regretted my decision, never regretted standing up for myself and refusing that kind of treatment. It might be emotionally difficult at times, but it's worth it.
Wishing you all the best! You can do this!
Yea already going no contact is feeling better, even if I still have texts from mom and stuff. My plan with the letter is to kind of twist the knife so to say. My friend who works for him says he's already suffering with not seeing me, but he doesn't understand precisely why or what pain I'm in
If he never understands, fine, the victor writes the history, but at least I'll have communicated as clearly as possible what I'm feeling every time I go over :>
No one should hate their birthday, it's a terrible thing
Ive been no contact with my parents on and off for years. Two months after my brother passed I cut off my dad for a multitude of reasons. Then last thanksgiving I cut off my mom for “a slap in the face type of disrespect “ in my own home.
I’ve never been happier and less stressed. I do get sad and semi nostalgic for “happier times” but those times were always thwarted with some bullshit memory.
You’ll grieve but I’m so sure you’ll thrive. Surround yourself with people who will love you for YOU. who will respect you. Godspeed.
Christ, exactly about the bullshit memory thing. Every time I'd feel alright wit my dad like "yea he isn't that bad", something would happen and I'd go back to disliking him. After coming out and being left to fend for myself, it's been a full on hate.
Only struggle is my mom and grandma since I'd been close with them since birth, but even that has become shallow. It's not like that side of the family hasn't disowned someone gay before either, from what I hear.
Thankfully my cousin on that side is cool and- hoo this reminds me I need to RSVP for her wedding next year, oops
Trans man here. I cut my parents off just before I came out as trans. Didn't want to give them any ground to take from what was a joyous occasion. It wasn't easy. There were days that I checked my spam folders just to see if they'd cared enough to try to reach out. But, I got myself a new found family and things got better and easier. Sounds like you've got a good spouse who cares about you and your parents are the one black hole in your life. Do what's best for you.
Hopefully he becomes my spouse someday :>
But yea.. he's been really sweet about it and agrees fully about my parents- even though he's only met them once
I took him to Thanksgiving after a month of dating since he couldn't fly back home, and I habe him a head up about how they've treated me, and he said "I'll keep that in mind but ofc I want to see for myself"
Which, admirable, makes sense
Well he agrees they're really shallow to him and is baffled about them refusing to treat me accordingly lmao