Is there a graceful way to handle this? When it inevitably comes up that I haven't talked to my parents for 4 years people ask why. I usually default now to "because they're bad people." But that gets them asking why
"There is a lot of why and that's why I'm seeing a therapist" in a joking tone usually ends it but it still feels awkward and weird
Has anyone managed this bit of convo without it being weird and uncomfortable?
Who is asking? Because my default is almost always going to be ‘that’s a very personal question that I will not be answering.’
In this case it was an old friend who I was reconnecting with
Yea, a simple ‘that’s personal’ is fine.
If it’s weird and uncomfortable it’s because the person is asking a question they have no business asking. If your answer makes them uncomfortable that’s on them. It is part of boundary setting to learn that you aren’t required to share with people just because they ask.
I mean, since it's an old friend, maybe they're trying to find that balance of showing care and interest in your life since you drifted apart? Part of being friends is knowing personal things about each other, yk. You could say, "I'm not ready to talk about that right now." Or, "That's a hard thing for me to talk about and I don't think I'm ready just yet." 🤷♀️
Which is basically the same as ‘that’s personal.’ The point is that you aren’t obligated to answer a question, just because it’s been posed. And it shouldn’t be awkward to say it’s personal or I don’t want to talk about it if the other person is able to respect that boundary.
Yes the motive may be to show care and that’s fine. Sometimes it comes up pretty innocently even like ‘oh how’s your mother been? However when the other person says no to discussing it, that’s the time to drop it.
Just in general I think we often need to get more comfortable setting boundaries and understanding that boundaries aren’t a bad thing. This extends to what conversations we have and with whom.
I’ve been in this situation. What I ended up saying was that my mother has mental health issues and violent tendencies that made having a healthy relationship with her difficult so I decided to take a step back for my own wellbeing. Then I said I didn’t feel comfortable discussing it further.
Some things happened and we are not in touch, I dont want to talk about it right now.
Depending on the situation, I match their energy. Either “because they’re abusive and I don’t need or deserve that” or just simply “they aren’t good people. I have wonderful chosen family.”
I usually say something like this. "Some people are just not good people and it's unfortunate that someone has to be related to them."
I really like this. Feels like it helps take my shame away and replaces it with acceptance. Thank you!
I love this; thank you for sharing as I’m going to use this from now on.
Thats what I say. They were abusive.
“I don’t hang out with child abusers”
Oh, I may have to copy that.
"I have my reasons"
And if they ask which, I would simply respond that it is too personal and I don´t want to discuss them with everybody.
This is a really personal question, and you don’t owe anyone a satisfactory answer. I usually just say something like “we’re not close” if I don’t want to elaborate.
This! "we're not close " or "it's for the best" then I ask them a conversational question to change the subject...people typically love talking about themselves so if I can shift focus back to them they usually drop it.
I think it's near impossible for these conversations to ever not be weird and awkward, but they do feel less bad FOR YOU over time, and you do get more comfortable saying exactly as much as you want to say without feeling bad for how the other party receives it.
“We’re not close” is a good one.
I look sad and say “it’s tough to talk about,” then I change the subject. There’s one person I give the backstory to and my health insurance pays him a lot of money every week to listen to me cry about my childhood.
I very gracefully say "My dad physically and emotionally abused me and my mom enabled him".
As Gisèle Pelicot said, "Shame must change sides."
Same. Except "..and my mother blamed me for it."
You have to become more proactive with telling people what you’re comfortable with discussing and not.
It’s very liberating, took a while to get here but now it’s my default.
When people ask me questions I’m not comfortable with I say “I don’t feel comfortable talking about that” or “that’s not something I want to talk about”
You don’t owe people answers or explanations as an adult.
You could also lie. Generally when family comes up with people I’m not particularly close with I just say they passed away and I’m uncomfortable talking about it.
However you want to navigate it is fine, it’s your life and your boundaries.
“I’m not close to that side of the family.”
Why?
“That’s a long story I’d rather not get into right now”.
This works best if you feel it as you say it. You don’t have any interest in giving them an explanation at this particular time and place. If you ever want to open up about it you will initiate it.
I tend to traumatise them back, I'm afraid.
"You need waaaaaay more alcohol for me to answer that one for you. Especially at 9am. I'm mostly okay with it now, but other people assure me alcohol is required to hear it."
Stops all questions forever, even where there is alcohol.
And... "Why don't you reach out?" "Because I am at the limit of my current antidepressants, and I'd either need to add another one in, or change it again."
Or
"I've only just stopped therapy from the last time I saw them!"
Decisions like this are not made lightly. With that said, it is a private matter.
"It's a topic I prefer not to discuss in polite company."
If you were to word it like this, you are dictating the flow of the conversation, practically stating that you are estranged without saying as much, whilst also not allowing the opportunity for any follow-up questions that want to delve into the minutiae of why. Also, by saying 'polite company' to them, you are telling them that they are what you would consider polite company, and any attempt to dig deeper would be considered impolite (by virtue of social protocol).
Then move onto another topic. If they have any measure of common sense, they'll deduce that it isn't something they should be prying into in the first place, and will take the hint not to broach the subject in future. If they're really dense, they'll assume that because they have a good relationship with their parents, then that is the case for everyone.
All they 'need' to know is that you don't have a relationship with your parents. That's it.
I think their response to finding out is a always a good litmus test tbh
Personally, I think if you've made the decision and are secure with it then it shouldn't bother you to just say something like, "a lot of reasons" or "I have my reasons" and move on. If people keep pushing then they're looking for salacious details and gossip. Say it with a smile and let your tone and body language give the message that you're fine and it's closed subject.
“My dad is an adulterous pervert who wouldn’t agree to my terms of not objectifying me” is my answer. I feel like anyone who asks is kind of inviting a weird and uncomfortable answer. If you don’t talk to your parents, something uncomfortable and unusual probably happened.
I usually don’t tell people I don’t talk to my parents, if I can help it. If someone asks about my family, I talk about my husband and my sister. If people ask about holiday plans, it’s a “quiet one at home this year” or I don’t celebrate. If they ask about my parents specifically, “they live in another state so it’s been awhile”. Then I redirect the conversation to their family/plans/whatever.
People usually don’t actually care to know, they’re just making small talk and are itching to talk about their own stuff.
If I’m close enough to someone to tell them I’m NC with my parents, I’m close enough to tell them the truth or a portion of it. My closest friends know my parents were abusive and that I’ve taken legal measures to protect myself from them. Other friends know that my mum is an alcoholic and that I’ve “taken space” from her.
You don’t owe anyone the truth about your relationship with your parents/family. You especially don’t owe them an explanation as to why you’ve made the decision to cut contact. It’s private and you’re allowed to avoid answering or straight up tell someone to mind their business.
This!!! I have been NC for almost 20 yrs so most new people assume my dad’s wife of 30+ yrs is my mother, and I don’t correct them. The people who know my bio mom don’t ask questions, they already know why.
"we aren't close"
I found saying (and this took me a while to find)
"... ah sure look, noone chooses to be estranged from their family - it just gets to a point where it isnt a choice - its just too unhealthy... and look ive done a lot of work on myself and i needed to have the boundary and genuinely i wish them the best and maybe one day they will do some counselling and break our families unhealthy relationship and communications styles and then sure you never know we could talk again, but i had to do what was healthy for me..."
Look i know its a mouth full but i have always felt the safest giving this balanced reason and i can see peoples emotional feedback is better with this response...
I usually just say, “They’re not good for my mental health.”
I usually say "because she was abusive" or a "psycho" and I haven’t had any pushback from people (yet, never say never). It's quick and easy. If they don’t accept that just say you don’t want to talk about it as it's a sensitive topic.
I usually say that they are just awful people and more often than not people shut up about it after that.
On occasion someone will say something like "but thats your family"
Or "blood is thicker than water"
To which I reply,
"Family aint family. Family is who you choose."
Or even more fun if they dont know the full quote about blood and water I remind them
"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb"
Because no one knows the full damn quote. XD
One thing I would say is, “If you met my mom, you’d think she is a very nice person.” Nobody ever asked a follow up question. The implication is she is not as nice as she seems, which is true.
I just say that “I wouldn’t accept a stranger treating me the way he did, so I won’t accept that from someone who is supposed to love me”
I say “they’re not safe people” people can imply whatever they want from that but it usually prevents them from asking more questions
For these types of personal or inappropriate questions, I have taken to saying „why do you ask?“ This changes the dynamic to them needing to explain why they want to know and gives me a beat to consider how I want to respond. Many times they will self correct. Sometimes I have to follow it up with something along the lines of „I‘d rather not get i to the details.“ And occasionally, it‘s because they‘re in a similar position.
Uuh I like this
"You're looking for a single straw that broke the camels back, when I stopped talking to them for a multitude of reasons." Is usually what I say.
Fair warning: Some people aren't asking because they are curious. They are asking because they are studying you. And trying to figure out the maximum amount you'll take before you cut them off.
God this is brilliant
As I am reading through the comments I see that it was an old friend who was asking. Frankly that is a huge red flag. An old friend would certainly know the history of the toxicity of your family. Why would they be asking that now? They should know why. This feels too flying monkey to me (too coincidental to be coincidental sort of thing). I loathe flying monkeys and there are a huge amount of them in the world sticking their noses where they don't belong. It is almost like they are unhappy themselves and feel it is their mission in life that everyone else should be as miserable as well. An old friend would not be asking this, an old friend would be commiserating with you as this is a huge trauma. Goddamn I am pretty pissed at this flying monkey now.
Not a flying monkey situation. They are an old friend in that I became friends with them when our kids were babies but haven't spoken for a good few years. She has never met my parents and I live in a different country from my parents. Last time we spoke I had a relationship with my parents and was downplaying how awful they were out of shame. So it's fair she didn't know. Get your anger though
Your outrage has brought me a much appreciated smile, thank you.
"It's personal and not up for discussion. How about those Seahawks?"
The first part sets your boundary, the second part changes the subject, also known as the "bean dip" response.
And, should the questioner keep going, flip it. Why is this so important to you?
Honestly, people dont deserve an answer, just to satisfy their curiousity. You get to choose whether or not you want to share and how much detail you are willing to share with each and every person who is part of your life.
Frankly, I would just set boundaries clearly from the start "Personal reasons that I don't care to share" is sufficient.
"My parents are abusive, we don't have a relationship." said in a matter of fact tone. If I don't make a big deal about it they don't make a big deal about it. Anyone that pushes further I start to describe instances of abuse in detail until they get so uncomfortable they drop it or leave. People need their just world fallacy shattered and I'm more than willing to oblige.
"I enjoy my sanity, thanks."
Depending on person, I can say a lie like, "Oh we just live states apart, time/schedule differences" all cheery. All the way to, "Well, one time..." (neglect/abandonment/food insecurity/parentification/incarceration/meth abuse- great bag of options) and tell a short story. The shock is great but I live in a big city, being alone isn't safe so I don't advertise.
I usually just stick to a one word answer: “Abuse.”
Most of the time people read the room and keep the follow-up questions or “But they” to themselves.
'That would be an ecumenical matter'
(Old TV show reference here in the UK that's become shorthand for 'it's too complicated to explain'. People who get it, get it. People who don't get it will be thrown by the unfamiliar word, but won't want to look dumb by admitting they don't know the word, so they drop the questioning)
No matter what, some ppl still judge. It’s as if they can’t fathom someone not like their own parent.
I just say, "I'm not the only sibling not speaking to our parents.They earned it ". I usually get back and, "Ohh." 😄 That's usually enough.
They are dead to me.
I just say 'we were never close' and leave it at that. Digging up that stuff now isn't good for me or the relationship. Most people in my life know I was fostered.
Because they’re a cunt and a bastard.
"At some point, the guilt of not talking to them was easier to bear than what they have to say."
“It’s messy. Bottom line, they were abusive.” Usually more than enough for people to drop the topic. I end it with “I’ve done the work to move along, so let’s move along the topic to something brighter?” And then I change the topic.
You’re not responsible to make people feel comfortable, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Some things are what it is. If you want to talk about it, you can, and if you don’t want to talk about it, then you don’t have to.
So what do you want to say when other people ask you why?
For me, I’d probably just say something like, “No reasons, they are none of my concerns and none of yours either.” And leave it at that.
If it’s someone you want to have a concession with, all I’d say is, “I have no interest having this conversation right now” And then move to something else.
You can come up with a few of your own and practice at home and see how it goes.
"They're just not in my life anymore and I'd like to leave it at that."
It implies it's a hard topic to talk about, but also explains fully. They aren't there, and that's all I'm going to say 🤷♀️
“You know what? Enough about me. Let’s talk about you. How’s life?”
No snark, no passive-aggressiveness, just a strong boundary and a genuine curiosity in the other person as I turn the attention towards them. If it’s someone I want to share with at some point, I will offer it without being asked. Often times that’s with people who confide in me about their own parental issues.
That's the neat part, you have to lean into the weird and uncomfortable aspect a bit. Here's my go to:
"I don't talk to my mother because she was abusive and *did X and Y heinous actions* to me and my little brother.... Why should I sacrifice my mental health and well being just to keep up appearances? Why should I apologize for telling you? You got nosy and wouldn't accept my response, so I'm not going to sugarcoat or downplay what she did just because YOU feel uncomfortable with the truth.... You feel uncomfortable? Imagine how I felt AS A CHILD when she did *X, Y Z* to me."
This is usually after I say "She's not as nice as people think she is, so I have no relationship with her." That is my "I'm trying to be polite, let's move on and please don't pry".
The wall of text is my "you pushed a very clear boundary, now I'm not going to be so nice about it." Most times, people tend to shut up and get really flustered about clearly overstepping and trying to save face.
A lot of people feel entitled or demand you to explain yourself when you don't need to and they refuse to take no as a complete sentence. I'm the kind of person who let's people dig themselves into a hole before they realize that they should have known better, the kind of person who in public will let them make a scene before turning things back around on them so onlookers realize that the person in question being a real ass and I was trying to be polite but now my kindness is out the window since they CLEARLY asked for it.
"Don't ask questions if you're not prepared for an uncomfortable answer." <This is the warning shot. Use this or a variation of such if people won't accept your response. If they still demand it or get a shitty attitude, go full nuclear/ scorched earth with them. When they clutch their pearls, take an "Well you asked" attitude, match their energy!
"Because she didn't tell me she married a sex offender and she wanted to take my kids on vacation with him"
(he got his 14-year-old stepdaughter pregnant in his previous marriage)
I just tell them the truth. That my mom Chose a pedophile boyfriend over her daughters & grandkids 😁 probably not classy, but it makes me feel better to expose her.
Because she’s a lot like Trump.
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„There has been enough talk, way more than needed“
My mother-in-law asked why I haven’t really talked to my parents since I moved out, so I explained that they were consistently neglecting my needs throughout my life. I’m just glad she hasn’t asked again.
Depends on the audience. I either say “because he’s not a nice person” or “he’s a piece of shit”
I don’t get follow up questions with either of those.
I just started telling people, "Because they're an abusive asshole and now that I'm an adult, I don't HAVE to deal with them."
That accomplishes 2 things. 1: it gives them the reason. 2: Hopefully it embarasses them enough to learn they don't ask that question of anyone ever again. Oh, and bonus 3: if they're asking, they're probably gossips, and now they'll be spreading the word to anyone else who might want to know.
I think I just have naturally strong shields. I basically just say “I have a crap relationship with my parents” in a tone that doesn’t really invite further questions, and I just don’t get them.
I have one friend who will occasionally ask if that’s changed, like he’s hoping for a happy ending or something, but I just say no.
“How much time you got?”
Good friend? I have to protect my heart and my mental health.
Acquaintance? It's a long story I may share with you someday.
My 84 yr old mother thinks I've bought in to the social media craze of estrangement. She tries to get my smart children to fix me.
If you avoid people, you never have to answer that question again mwahahaha!
I honestly just make shit up if people ask… mostly coworkers inquiring about how I’m spending the holidays. I don’t want to explain so I just make shit up & the conversation ends very quickly.
“Why does it matter to you?” If they’re nosey. “Because it’s what’s best.” For a slightly more neutral tone
My dad was great but killed by the drunk driver Geraldine Dunlap.
Bonnie was what was left and she is extremely abusive, and i have no problem listing examples. I don't keep the secrets of people who wrong me.
When I first went NC 20 years ago, a LOT of friends and acquaintances would ask. I really didn't like talking about it. As the years went by, literally no one asks me. Maybe it's just a product of getting older, but not a single person I meet, work with, or know care one iota about that stuff. It's just not something that comes up in conversations between regular adults.
"Maybe I'll be ready in another ten years, but I doubt it."
Here's a three tiered approach for a context like the one you describe.
For that type of context, a polite yet firm answer could be, "It was done for good reason."
If they press further, stonewall and change the subject. "Let's not go there. Hey, did your boss approve that time off you requested?"
If they still ask a third time, then that's either a real failure to read the room or it veers into rudeness. It's OK to push back or to take offense at that point. Such as, "I've already told you that's not up for discussion."
I’ve honestly started handling this differently depending on who I’m talking to. With new people, I just say my parents passed away years ago ( they are not 🤷🏻♀️)and that I’m not close with my siblings. It shuts the door without opening a whole trauma file for someone who hasn’t earned that context.
With people who already know me, I keep it simple: “We’re not close anymore.” No long explanations.
And if someone pushes or acts entitled to more details, I’m comfortable asking, “Why do you care this much about people you don’t even know?”
That’s interesting. I find people tend to dodge asking why (though I openly use they/them, so people maybe just make inaccurate assumptions). What environments is this happening and how are they with other boundaries?
Depending on the environment some options I can think of are: -That’s a long story and we don’t have time for that/we’re here to do [task/activity]. [redirect conversation with another question or by redirecting their attention to task/activity] (The polite version of none of your business, since it makes it sound like your doing them a favor) -They were abusive/unhealthy and refused to change, so I changed what I could—my relationship with them. (Succinct, honest, depending on the person most likely to get you a, “but they’re your parents!” but can also be good for screening people if you’re on the fence about giving them more details) -For reasons I don’t want to talk about right now/in this setting. (More direct none of your business that also sets a clear boundary) -Why do you ask? (As an autistic person, this is a great response to open-ended questions of all kinds I don’t know how to respond to, just because if you know why they’re asking you can tailor the response to that and prevent future miscommunication, but these kinds of situations that can also come with a lot of work educating/advocating with the other person, so use your best judgement)
In this context this was a woman I became close to when our children were babies. I then dropped off the face of the earth for awhile and we're now getting back in contact. She has never met my parents and we don't even live in the same country as them but last she knew me I was trying to pretend my family was normal and healthy and repressing the amount of abuse they had put me through
So finding out I wasn't talking to my parents was surprising to her and we have been close enough to ask these kinds of questions in the past
To her credit she did move on when I said "lots of reasons that I pay a therapist about" and we had a nice time after thar bit of awkwardness
Ok, in that case, your answer was great and probably something similar to what I would’ve. It sounds like she’s pretty understanding, but I completely get how that can feel like a complicated question to answer even with someone who seems safe because it isn’t just one reason (more like one library full of reasons). And then it also sucks that even with people who are pretty understanding it can feel awkward because of the gap between experiences, unlike a break up. I’m glad it’s at least a relationship that sounds pretty safe for you and hopefully it’s a chance to be open with more people about this aspect of your life (if it’s something you want).
I don’t explain myself to people who I don’t know well. I just say ‘it’s a long story and I’m not comfortable with discussing it’. However my good friends know the reasons.
They're crazy.
When I was a kid I used to make up whoppers about where my dad was. He was a spy or an astronaut. I once told a teacher that he was killed while saving orphans from a burning building. That one backfired at a parent-teacher meeting. When I got a little older my story telling improved and then I inserted him into real events ie he was a roadie who was killed on Randy Rhodes tour bus.
As an adult, It depends on who's asking and the (perceived) intent of the question. If it's a nosy nobody, "it's complicated and I wish I had the time to distill it into a short answer" or something like that.
If it's someone I care about or if the question just pops out (I'm guilty of speaking before thinking so I try to have grace for that malady in others), it's something along the lines of "it's so fucking complicated and there are layers upon layers of why and sometime if we have a few hours and you really want to know, we can get into it"
"Because it's not illegal in this country... yet." Same answer when people ask me why I don't have kids or why I don't celebrate christmas.
Because they don’t know how to have a relationship without seeing how they can manipulate it with their money. They requested my kids (5&7) to spend the night at their rental cabin for an overnight. I have zero trust in my father’s relationship with reality (deep qanon) and my 73yo mother has Parkinson’s, overnight is 100% out of the question. When told politely “no, the kids are going to sleep in their own beds” I was immediately met with “you really should think about their college funds”. That kind of reaction is a gigantic red flag, especially when it concerns my young kids, and especially because of my physically and emotionally abusive childhood.
Every single time I let my guard down it’s this kind of shit. I’m so exhausted with interacting with them until they behave so offensively that we don’t talk for months. It’s their default and I’m simply done waiting to find out what new way they’re showing themselves to be horrible people.
"You don't want to know." cue look of horror
“For my own mental wellbeing. I won’t be saying anything more.”
I tell them. I’m an open book. If how I answer your invasive question makes you uncomfortable, consider not asking such ridiculous shit.
"Why should I talk to my parents?"
I just say because they’re evil.
“My mother is the reason why we have cameras up around my home.” Puts a hard stop to the follow-up “oh but you only get one mom” drivel.
"Maybe when they get out of prison."
"Why should I talk to my dna donors? Would you talk to a criminal who robbed you?" I find those questions, asked in a very conversational and non stressed tone tends to shut busy bodies up.
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It's because they abused me.
Are you the friend asking for personal details that are none of your business?