Long story short, a few months ago my dad used a semi-medical emergency to try to create emotional contact with me. I processed it privately with my therapist, and I never replied to his messages. He sent me a few messages from time to time after that, and I ignored those too, so I haven’t initiated contact with him since September.

Does this count as low or no contact and/or estrangement? I’m a little confused about the definitions.

Also, my mom has been trying to get me to send my dad holiday messages. She said that she’s feeling bad that I’m not reaching out to him, and this is the first holiday season where I haven’t reached out to my dad. I’m currently holding boundaries with my mom around having independent and separate relationships with each of my parents and refusing to get pulled into triangulation, but man, this stuff is hard. I feel a little lost, a little pressured, and I’m feeling bad and guilty about not reaching out to my dad.

I guess I just don’t know where I stand in my relationship with my dad right now. Can anyone relate? I’d love some words of advice or support. Thanks

  • This sounds like no contact to me.

    I would question whether it's really useful for you to define what does and doesn't "count" as estrangement. You can find the resources helpful and use them because they help you, without necessarily needing to put solid labels on what your relationship is. For example, I don't have ADHD but I use guides for managing ADHD to handle issues I have with focusing on and initiating tasks. Take what helps you and respect the space, and it's fine.

    As far as your mom goes, in your situation I would probably tell her upfront that you aren't going to discuss it with her and then change the subject.

    parent

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  • I would call that one way no contact because I'm kind of an asshole about the difference between one way no contact and going fully no contact in both directions, but most people would call it no contact and/or estrangement. 

    Not that you have to call it either one, there's no estrangement police who will come for you if you use the wrong words. If "taking a break from contact" or "we're not close" works better for you feel free to use those or something else entirely. 

    parent