Ever year around the holiday season, I start to miss my mom. We’ve been no contact for 6.5 years. Going no contact was the best decision I’ve ever made for my mental health and my overall growth as a person, but the older I get, the more grief I notice surrounding the holidays. The funny thing is, I remember not enjoying the holidays with her as a kid. Does anyone else get this huge wave of grief around the holiday seasons? In retrospect, I know I don’t miss her, I think I miss what I should have had from a mother, if that makes sense.
It makes perfect sense.
Being able to choose my own life and be happy has been the best decision I ever made. Holidays still are a little blue, even so. Maybe holiday fantasy from advertising and media affects me. If I was really with her I would be miserable.
I needed to hear this. 💗
I experience this every year with the holidays, along with Mother’s Day and my mother’s birthday. And it always starts off as subconscious negative feelings. Then I look at the calendar and I’m like “oh, it’s that’s day again..”
My therapist said it’s not that you miss her, it’s the idea of what family “looks like” during this time of year that you miss. The closeness, the warmth, the togetherness etc.
I encourage you to do something that brings you joy today! Make your favorite snack, listen to your favorite album, rearrange your room. Walk to your mailbox and down the street.
You got this friend. Sending hugs! ✨💓
i'm newly no contact with my mom and i feel the same way. you almost hope she would be something she can't be. like be loving and compassionate when that's not her.
i feel really weird and almost guilty to be no contact with my mom. this is the first Christmas i am not seeing her. :(
I relate to this. The time I went no contact with my birth giver (I don’t call her my mother, she doesn’t deserve that title) was during the holiday season, so I understand how the holidays can crack you open emotionally in ways the rest of the year doesn’t. Even when no contact is the healthiest choice, the timing alone can make everything feel heavier.
What you said about not missing her, but missing what you should have had from a mother makes complete sense. I feel that too. It’s grief for something that never existed, not nostalgia for what actually was.
At this point, I know the holidays are likely harder for her than they are for me. I’m sure she’s unapologetic about what she did and I also know she struggles with holiday blues herself. And honestly? Good. She created this outcome. Estrangement didn’t come out of nowhere, it was the consequence of her choices.
The grief still shows up sometimes, but it’s different now. Less destabilizing. More like a reminder of what I protected myself from and why I chose myself in the first place. You’re not alone in this. The waves are real, especially this time of year.
Quick reminder - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our rules.
Need info or resources? Check out our EAK wiki for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts.
Check out our companion resource website - Visit brEAKaway.org.uk
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
You are right that you miss the idea of the estranged parent.. what should and could have been. Sending you strength!