Good morning all!
A year ago my ex-wife and I split and divorced. We have two kids, 4F and 2M. The whole relationship was awful. She lied and manipulated, I was selfish and distant. Towards the end, my response was to come home after work, have dinner with the kids and help put them to bed, then disappear to the country club. Every. Single. Night. Every waking moment I spent trying to get out of the house to avoid the toxicity of my relationship. We are cordial now, my relationship with my kids is incredible (as it always has been), and I have learned more than ever the value of being present in the moment.
During a conversation with a friend, I was asked if I were open to having more kids in a future relationship, to which I responded that I am. Then it hit me: If I am to have more kids, am I ever going to hold that new baby and feel the regret from being emotionally unavailable during the time my kids were born? Am I ever going to be able to hold a new baby without those feelings of regret, guilt, and pain?
Thank you all for your time.
I had another kid after my second marriage and it does make for a lot of mixed emotions and feelings of regret, but it’s also a fresh start with a completely new spirit. In fact sometimes I worry I’m not being present enough with him as I was with my daughter because I worked so hard to make sure she felt loved and wanted during the divorce that I maybe even overcompensated in a lot of ways! Anyway easier said than done but I’ve tried to channel all of my anxieties and worries into action and more mindful parenting. In fact now I can’t see myself in a life without my little son and had I not gone through with the divorce he would never be here. Hard to focus on regret when every path I’ve chosen thus far has led me to having not one but two beautiful children who I could not live without. Funny how that works.
Your post really took a surprising left turn last half of second para for me sheesh. Was figuring you were going on a ‘divorced seems better than …that’ lol. That is my case, kids two and five, know 100% that their dad loves them completely and we have the best time together, always in the moment yes.
Ex and I are cordial somewhat flirty touchy oddly enough to where I have joked: once the divorce is finalized we can start dating again. Job situation and going from her employed and the health care provider to the opposite now, I still have the back of mindful ‘maybe we can let bygones and under the legal system destruction of our family.
That’s in contrast to your thoughts of future kids. I can’t even imagine dating anyone else still, have no intention of more kids - but kids are awesome so why not?
I think the foundation is rock solid relationship with your first round of kids. The rest will all work out, so maybe who cares? Anything to show ex how nice things have become after her are a smug bonus lol.
Look, it was a bad partnership, and you both have to take responsibility for your parts in the destruction of that relationship, but you're owning your part, so that's good. I'm not sure if you've gone to counselling. Still, if you didn't, maybe it could have helped, so I would suggest going to counselling now, as it can help you to put things to rest and work out your part of the relationship that went wrong, and then that can only help with any new relationship you go into. The one good thing is that you were there for your kids, as they are the most important thing in any relationship, and you continue having that good relationship with them, and if you have more kids, I think you will be as good with them as you are with your first relationship. We all have some sort of regret when a relationship fails, but as long as you're honest and work on your part in the breakdown, then you will learn not to make those same mistakes, that is why going to counselling would help there. Just be the best dad you can be, and if you ever have more kids, you are as good with all of them and make all of them special, so they grow up as brothers and sisters and not different families. So I do wish you luck, but you've got this as you're being honest with your part of the breakdown, which is a big part of moving forward.