The advice I wish someone had told me
you’re delusional thinking you can solve this without getting the court involved.
she’s alienating your kids and parenting them in this cold, harsh authoritarian style that’s worse than you realize.
getting more time with the kids ASAP means filing for custody ASAP, not bartering with her.
no one around you is able to be partial, since none of them are third parties and none of them have dealt with this before. Talk to a lawyer and a pastor. They have.
find a good lawyer. No, not the lawyer that appeared first in the Google listings. Find a guy who is good at representing guys.
My ex is making heinous false allegations and if she doesn’t rescind them, I’m going to bring her to justice in the fullest extent of the law. If you would like to talk, help, ask for help, my DMs are open.
My ex made vague allegations against me as well. I co-sign almost everything op said. Get the courts involved right away and don’t barter for your parental rights. I won half custody but it’s only because I acted immediately.
Do you have advice for me? I’m still in the thick of it.
Regarding the last paragraph? Don’t wait. Don’t think of it as punishing her, but don’t wait.
Regarding the last paragraph, let it all go. It’s part of the standard playbook.
The false allegations are probably coming from her lawyers, but even if it’s coming from her, and not her lawyers, let it go. The courts are very used to false allegations and don’t take them seriously without significant evidence. Usually, the false allegations are pushed by opposing council in order to scare you, anger you, to rile your emotions. When you’re in that state, you make mistakes or become irrational.
Your wife doesn't get to call the shots. You're an equal parent. That's the first bit of advice I'd give.
We are in the opposite situation right now. My wife’s ex is alienating the child, has filed OFPs, is a crazy narcissist all because the child was talked to with a raised voice. This country and these children from an entitlement standpoint are changing the game, and not in a good way.
I think the issues in your case are LEO and not “this country” and “these kids.”
Same.
Two kinds of divorces- both parties are reasonable and can work it out. Other kind is where one party (generally the woman) is trying to “win” and hurt the other. This is most common with children as women feel they are the “better parent” and take on a warped sense that by trying to alienate the man, they are doing the “best thing for the kids”. If you are in situation 2 or if any allegations are levied against you- get a lawyer asap.
Situation 2 is a costly and uphill battle- but the difference in outcome between having and advocate and not having one can be substantial. You need an outside perspective- because alienation and manipulation are likely part of what got you into this mess to begin with. Often times- in all litigation- the best way to achieve an amicable resolution is oddly punching back and putting pressure on the other side. Just how human dynamics work. To be blunt- if you were looking at jail time- you’d get a lawyer. Most of us would much rather sleep through a prison sentence than lose our kids. So stakes are high enough to absolutely get a lawyer.
This is coming as a lawyer going through a divorce.
Thank you for the clarity.
As for your divorce - are you both lawyers, or just you?
We both are. And she’s being unreasonable thus far. Sadly, I think part of the dynamic is that she (a non-trial lawyer) is for whatever reason afraid of and intimidated by the fact that I’m a trial lawyer. Which is kind of sad because I’m trying to be super reasonable and not act like a lawyer at all. Just like a dad. She’s very much into a trying to “win” mode. I litigate for a living and am well aware that fair outcomes are the ones that usually make both parties to some extent unhappy. It’s a lesson she’s never needed to confront. Also, in a divorce a lot of baggage bubbles to the surface.
For what it’s worth I tried to resolve this between us and save a small fortune but she was hell bent on litigating everything.
I’m a mediator who has mediated over 100 divorce cases. This was used against me and she initially refused mediation. I was incredibly reasonable about finances but never budged for a second regarding custody.
My lawyer told me something like fewer than 5% of divorce cases and up in front of a judge/magistrate. The judges know this and anticipate only the worst of the worst cases.
I strongly think this is what the society/ laws incentivize for, and the nature of the beast/ human animal —not necessarily because you’re a trial lawyer: you should have seen my ex wife, how she went about the divorce. All these stories you read about they are all the same eerily. Also don’t attempt to be your own lawyer, hire a lawyer—my 2 cents.
Oh, I did. Absolutely get a lawyer. Entire point was that I got a lawyer asap as soon as it was clear this wasn’t going to be amicable. And I got the best damn law firm I knew.
"Win and hurt the other"
Yep.
As far as you're aware did she cheat or suspiciously have a new man/bf months after separating?
I'm sure this is true for you, but I take some issue with you framing this as general advice. In particular, many of us did manage to resolve everything reasonably amicably without hiring a lawyer; in fact, most divorces are resolved out of court.
This is a fair point. I think it sorta goes without saying though that this is a high conflict coparenting situation based on the description. I knew exactly the situation without him saying it.
If I’d gotten legal early on, it actually might be more amicable now.
100% Guys don’t be an idiot (like me).
I’d say this is your reality which may align with some, be a strange venn diagram for others and not at all what another experiences.
I firmly believe that the experience for a lot of men is based on the conditions they’ve contributed to. When people are vindictive during the divorce it is often linked to them feeling wronged earlier.
Absolutely this. The experiences listed above by OP are indeed common, but they aren’t remotely universal.
The OP was not attempting to cover for every marriage. Newsflash
Someone can feel wronged in a relationship and still be delusional. My ex said i pushed her away and it was my fault she left me for ap. She had my kids calling another man dad within 6 months. Can she feel wronged? Sure she can believe whatever she feels, is her reaction proportional? Nope, cheating, lieing and stealing is never proportional. Alienation? Nope.
I am still in a full custody fight that my ex started in January 2023. I’ve not seen my child since a single 7 hour visit post mediation in Oct of 23 that my ex had me suspended from per the corrupt GAL and my child and I were put in no contact, again. I was blindsided by the suit and accused of basic neglect. Didn’t matter that I was a stay at home dad for 6 years of my then 9.6 yo’s life. Didn’t matter there was no evidence. Didn’t matter that I won at trial. We had a corrupt GAL hand picked by my exes attorney who would become a Judge in Family Court at the end of 23. There was so much illegal stuff happening and it took until Dec. 19th of last year to lose when SURPRISE! final hearing happened. I wasn’t there. I lost. I couldn’t tell the story in a post if I was a poet.
The amount of damage done to my child, to me, to us is astounding. My attorney was an idiot who left me hanging and oddly, right after he withdrew, the trial got moved up 6 weeks while I was frantically looking for a replacement. I had three days notice of the trial and I demolished them. Judge sided with me. Didn’t matter because the GaL usurped the Judge’s order and made the plan herself, approved by my exes atty and most definitely with my ex as I was given 1% supervised time. I lost everything. Everything. I’ve still not seen my child and no one gives a ship. Even my parents won’t help me in the least bit after I’d dropped 60k and ran out of money to fight and not knowing how to submit a motion, I ended up losing custody Dec. 19th of last year. My ex will not let me have contact.
Again, I repeat, I did nothing wrong and I won at trial. Hire a good attorney. My ex? She breached our agreements 9-11 times, had her BF living in the house and I was so wounded by the breaches, I’ve still not been able to rebound financially to go after her. I’m at my mom’s for Christmas and I won’t see my child for third year in a row. All I want is to see my child, but there is no way that’ll happen until I take my ex to court. And then, well, I hope I don’t implode family court.
How do you plan to bring her to justice? In my experience nothing happens. My ex lied and coached my kids to lie about me. My understanding is there’s nothing I can do. Just keep denying the allegations and having my parenting time cut just because she lied. This is the reality of family court
buckle up bro....sounds like you are just getting started...and it is going to get a WHOLE LOT WORSE before it gets better
How so?
you say your ex is making allegations and you will bring to to task about them. I'm saying to "buckle up", because getting that called out is not that easy & you will need substantial document proof contradicting allegations.
Many matrimonial judges also side with the woman, at least at the onset. which means you are guilty until proven innocent. You can spend a lot of time dodging bullets instead of countering with full offense.
Hey, we have all been there. all seen ridiculous accusations and allegations made that make you scratch your head and ask "we're we in different relationships? None of this ever happened!" If she has counsel, half of what is being alleged is made up by attorney anyway. they are completely amoral and will say and do pretty much anything that benefits their client
So, buckle up...going to he a bumpy ride.
I’m sorry this is what’s happening to you, but it’s not everyone’s reality.
I disagree with the Pastor part.
In my experience, it was easier to find a moderate, wise pastor than a moderate, wise therapist. I won’t knock anyone for their decision, though, and I have gone to both.