can i hear from some dads who were the one to end their marriage, not because of an affair or anything, but maybe because of a mid-life reorientation, or feeling like continuing it wasn't the best thing for anyone? thanks
After 7 years of a dead marriage with not only no sex but no affection at all, in fact outright hostility and constant arguments I handed her papers Nov 1st 7 years ago. She signed and I filed them at the court house the same day.
It was hard at first for the 11-17 year old kids, but now they all think it was an improvement. Life in the new normal has been great. Even between my old spouse and I there is more respect and cooperation.
Sure, I’ll share. I am the one who ended things in our marriage and it wasn’t because of any huge dramatic incident. Rather it happened over time, and had a great deal to do with realizing that our kids were no longer the sole focal point, we just didn’t have anything in common anymore. And I don’t mean we didn’t have things in common like she liked sappy movies, and I like action movies. I mean we were on completely different paths and neither of us felt like compromising. Those paths would be healthy. in my humble opinion, it’s always harder when there’s not a villain.
I ended it. She abused me for years. After our daughter was born, she tried to change (and in some areas she did change) but the damage and the hurt was just too big for me (I was diagnosed with depression after a few years of being with her, my psychiatrists only advice for me after a while was to just leave). I left her, not my daughter, and I made that clear to her too.
I ended mine. It was ultimately mutual but I was the one who started it. We were incapable of making each other happy as we had changed a lot during our 12 years of marriage. I wasn't happy and I couldn't make her happy and it was the same for her. I pulled the plug before things got ugly. We're friends now that it's been almost 2 years. We get along well and the kids are doing pretty well too. Honestly it went about as well as it could.
Ended it from my end. Just no more spark so we were like siblings instead of lovers. No hate just separated and made arrangements for our son. She wasn't happy with it and we still fight now and then but things are civil at least
Me. My ex wife couldn’t keep a job and had a lot of mental health/substance abuse issues. I’m remarried to one of the world’s greatest humans. My ex is a continuous nightmare for us and the kids but the state of Florida doesn’t seem to care.
I ended mine after years of abuse and addiction. It wasn't always bad. But it sure was towards the last few years. I was legitimately afraid of her and her regular verbal and emotional abuse broke me as a person and made me a shell of who I used to be. I adapted to avoid conflict at all costs, walked on eggshells daily and my anxiety was uncontrollable. It's now a dysfunctional trait I'm trying to work on and undo.
She'd threaten suicide regularly and she was a cutter. So every time I heard the bathwater turn on, my anxiety went up and would be fearful that might be the day it happens.
I continued to take her abuse for years because I was a guy and hey it's better than it going towards our son. So in a twisted way, I was happy it wasn't directed at him anymore. But was directed at him too, I was just in such denial and ashamed of being a victim of abuse because of the stigma and non-acceptance of the community at large. (he must have done something to deserve it).
Several years of an affectionatles marriage with a person who you can tell despises you from the moment you walk into the room. The affection dwindled after marriage and shut off completely after our child was born. We had a dead bedroom because she had no desire at all to be intimate and I gave up trying because loveless sex is not something I want. I need that connection and passion. And it was not there for a very long time. And when I say dead bedroom, I mean it. Zero sexual activity for years.
But my life has improved greatly since separating and so has my son's. He is almost a different person. I didn't realize just how extensive the verbal abuse affected him. He had emotional outbursts and uncontrollable rages. I was so blind and in denial for years, I didn't see the similarities with his raging and his mom's raging.
After a year of primarily living with me (weekends twice a month with mom), extensive behavioral therapy and finely tuned pharmaceuticals, he has no outbursts at all. He shows emotions in a healthy way and at an acceptable level of intensity. He went from grades being C's & D's to mostly A's & and a couple B's. It's an incredible change and I'm so grateful for his efforts and the help he received.
I am at a point where I'm managing my anxiety better. I'm still working on it. I tried a relationship and was not ready for it so I'm by myself for I don't know how long. And that's okay. All I want to do is help my son, be a good dad for him, focus on my work and my own personal healing and growth with therapy.
If you need words of encouragement, it does get better. It always feels worse in the beginning. There may be times you question your decision, but just don't forget why you left. Don't get stuck in the rose colored glasses of only the good times or the past. I just need to re-read my journal to remember what I went through or receive a hostile message from his mom to be reminded and affirm I made the right choice.
I had already mourned the end of the divorce, before it even started. And it's good to remember it that way. At least for myself it is. That the person I dated, fell in love with, married, had a child with, is not the same person she was back then. That person will never exist again. Glimpses of her pop in & out of existence usually when she's sober, but that's so infrequent, that it was truly easier to mourn that person that used to be, never being here again in my life.
Hang on. Get help. Go to therapy. Get a hobby if you don't have one.
Keep busy, but don't ignore the problems or be too busy to make time for yourself to do something that brings you joy or recharges your internal batteries.
She left and we drafted a separation agreement only because she needed it for a mortgage approval for her own place. Her boyfriend moved in immediately. She was "completely blindsided" when I filed two years later in order to move on with my own life. I guess the only way she could act like and rationalize being the victim was if I filed instead of her.
I ended it. Years of manipulation and a dead bedroom, followed by something that was somewhat rapey because she wanted another kid. That was the last straw.
Sharing. Loveless, lack of intimacy, just a room mate. My best friend died of cancer and I decided life’s too short and I pulled the plug. Happy as ever since. Afterwards every one that I knew was like “thank god she was awful”
Ended mine after working 12s but she was a stay at home mom. I would come home to a filthy house, get told to go bathe the kids, no sex or the sex sucked. When she was recovering for 2 weeks from pregnancy and I saw how easy it was to clean and keep up a house I realized then I had married a lazy troll and I just knew better was out there. And, I found better. A lot better.
I ended mine. After theft, lying, daily walking on eggshells for years, and finally physical violence, I had enough.
Same. I could handle the physical violence but not in front of the kids. Best decision I ever made no regrets. Grass is greener
Same for me. Somehow the violence was ok for me until it was witnessed by the kids. In hindsight, no violence should ever have been ok.
After 7 years of a dead marriage with not only no sex but no affection at all, in fact outright hostility and constant arguments I handed her papers Nov 1st 7 years ago. She signed and I filed them at the court house the same day.
It was hard at first for the 11-17 year old kids, but now they all think it was an improvement. Life in the new normal has been great. Even between my old spouse and I there is more respect and cooperation.
I should have done it years earlier.
Sure, I’ll share. I am the one who ended things in our marriage and it wasn’t because of any huge dramatic incident. Rather it happened over time, and had a great deal to do with realizing that our kids were no longer the sole focal point, we just didn’t have anything in common anymore. And I don’t mean we didn’t have things in common like she liked sappy movies, and I like action movies. I mean we were on completely different paths and neither of us felt like compromising. Those paths would be healthy. in my humble opinion, it’s always harder when there’s not a villain.
What kinds of paths?
I ended it. She abused me for years. After our daughter was born, she tried to change (and in some areas she did change) but the damage and the hurt was just too big for me (I was diagnosed with depression after a few years of being with her, my psychiatrists only advice for me after a while was to just leave). I left her, not my daughter, and I made that clear to her too.
Following
I ended mine. It was ultimately mutual but I was the one who started it. We were incapable of making each other happy as we had changed a lot during our 12 years of marriage. I wasn't happy and I couldn't make her happy and it was the same for her. I pulled the plug before things got ugly. We're friends now that it's been almost 2 years. We get along well and the kids are doing pretty well too. Honestly it went about as well as it could.
Ended it from my end. Just no more spark so we were like siblings instead of lovers. No hate just separated and made arrangements for our son. She wasn't happy with it and we still fight now and then but things are civil at least
Me. My ex wife couldn’t keep a job and had a lot of mental health/substance abuse issues. I’m remarried to one of the world’s greatest humans. My ex is a continuous nightmare for us and the kids but the state of Florida doesn’t seem to care.
I ended mine after years of abuse and addiction. It wasn't always bad. But it sure was towards the last few years. I was legitimately afraid of her and her regular verbal and emotional abuse broke me as a person and made me a shell of who I used to be. I adapted to avoid conflict at all costs, walked on eggshells daily and my anxiety was uncontrollable. It's now a dysfunctional trait I'm trying to work on and undo.
She'd threaten suicide regularly and she was a cutter. So every time I heard the bathwater turn on, my anxiety went up and would be fearful that might be the day it happens.
I continued to take her abuse for years because I was a guy and hey it's better than it going towards our son. So in a twisted way, I was happy it wasn't directed at him anymore. But was directed at him too, I was just in such denial and ashamed of being a victim of abuse because of the stigma and non-acceptance of the community at large. (he must have done something to deserve it).
Several years of an affectionatles marriage with a person who you can tell despises you from the moment you walk into the room. The affection dwindled after marriage and shut off completely after our child was born. We had a dead bedroom because she had no desire at all to be intimate and I gave up trying because loveless sex is not something I want. I need that connection and passion. And it was not there for a very long time. And when I say dead bedroom, I mean it. Zero sexual activity for years.
But my life has improved greatly since separating and so has my son's. He is almost a different person. I didn't realize just how extensive the verbal abuse affected him. He had emotional outbursts and uncontrollable rages. I was so blind and in denial for years, I didn't see the similarities with his raging and his mom's raging.
After a year of primarily living with me (weekends twice a month with mom), extensive behavioral therapy and finely tuned pharmaceuticals, he has no outbursts at all. He shows emotions in a healthy way and at an acceptable level of intensity. He went from grades being C's & D's to mostly A's & and a couple B's. It's an incredible change and I'm so grateful for his efforts and the help he received.
I am at a point where I'm managing my anxiety better. I'm still working on it. I tried a relationship and was not ready for it so I'm by myself for I don't know how long. And that's okay. All I want to do is help my son, be a good dad for him, focus on my work and my own personal healing and growth with therapy.
If you need words of encouragement, it does get better. It always feels worse in the beginning. There may be times you question your decision, but just don't forget why you left. Don't get stuck in the rose colored glasses of only the good times or the past. I just need to re-read my journal to remember what I went through or receive a hostile message from his mom to be reminded and affirm I made the right choice.
I had already mourned the end of the divorce, before it even started. And it's good to remember it that way. At least for myself it is. That the person I dated, fell in love with, married, had a child with, is not the same person she was back then. That person will never exist again. Glimpses of her pop in & out of existence usually when she's sober, but that's so infrequent, that it was truly easier to mourn that person that used to be, never being here again in my life.
Hang on. Get help. Go to therapy. Get a hobby if you don't have one.
Keep busy, but don't ignore the problems or be too busy to make time for yourself to do something that brings you joy or recharges your internal batteries.
You'll survive. Take care!
She left and we drafted a separation agreement only because she needed it for a mortgage approval for her own place. Her boyfriend moved in immediately. She was "completely blindsided" when I filed two years later in order to move on with my own life. I guess the only way she could act like and rationalize being the victim was if I filed instead of her.
Wait....she had a boyfriend move in her own place and afterbwas shocked when 2 years later you filed for divorce?
Yeah I don't get it either.
I ended it. Years of manipulation and a dead bedroom, followed by something that was somewhat rapey because she wanted another kid. That was the last straw.
Sharing. Loveless, lack of intimacy, just a room mate. My best friend died of cancer and I decided life’s too short and I pulled the plug. Happy as ever since. Afterwards every one that I knew was like “thank god she was awful”
I did. It's given me a new lease on life. I had absorbed the senseless contempt and hypocrisy for 14 interminable years.
Ended mine after working 12s but she was a stay at home mom. I would come home to a filthy house, get told to go bathe the kids, no sex or the sex sucked. When she was recovering for 2 weeks from pregnancy and I saw how easy it was to clean and keep up a house I realized then I had married a lazy troll and I just knew better was out there. And, I found better. A lot better.