Are you guys all cognizant of that final picture of your kids together before your marriage finally fell apart? I am; and it just popped up as facebook memory this morning. It was Christmas morning 2013.
My best friend, our kid’s youth pastor’s, wife died from a sudden aneurism in mid December. My marriage wasn’t perfect but, by New Year’s Eve, he and my wife planned an escape together. As typical, plans made out of grief and chaos don’t last; by September we were well into the divorced process and he came to me asking for forgiveness and he broke things off with her.
I’m over the blame, the situation looked attractive to both of them and just initiated the inevitable. In the bigger picture, it was for the best….. but that picture haunts me with the memory of the feared vision of total destruction that I imagined would be our future, created from the anxiety that comes at the beginning of the end of a marriage. However, most fears are worse in our heads and the reality that blossoms is usually better.
The shift from partners to co-parents, accepting the new reality of the path you’re on and embracing what comes next is so key.
These moments, where we’re reminded of what was and what we thought could be can cause pain and to me a bit of pain isn’t a bad thing. I fought ammy and briefly professionally. I try to play the bushido (warrior spirit) card but I’d be lying if I said the loses don’t still stay with me. I don’t dwell though - just remember.
As we go into the holidays I think it is more important than ever for mental health, growth and being a good parent to see the good and recognize how far we all have come - from being a day out, to months and beyond.
Thank you gentlemen for an amazing group.
Thanks for sharing. I like to think we've made a little progress each day as divorced men if we're able to take care of ourselves, our kids, and move towards the life we want.
You have elevated to another level by not dwelling on this too much
Stay strong brother. Delete it if you have too. I’ve seen ours 3x now. The first was very painful, then not as much and this year it was just “a great picture of my daughter.” It will get easier.
Honestly, I think pictures 2 or more years before we began falling a part are more painful. Back when we both were actually trying.
The last picture of us as a family feels forced and gross honestly.
Ouch, my phone shows me things I would prefer not to see. I dont have a specific picture like that, but im sure if I looked through what is there close enough I could find it. I remember the second my wife told my son and the look on his face. I dont know how to explain it, it looked like his childhood innocence left him. He's ok and we are doing well as a co parent setup. Its just to that point we were a family. And that's all he had known mom, dad and kid. Watching that leave him haunts me to this day and its nothing I can just delete from my head.