Good Morning, i am having a hard time dealing with my ex. ill keep it minimal, but she uses the kids as pawns and it truly frustrates me. we have 50/50 custody, and if she ever gets her panties in a bunch she will use the kids "said" they dont wanna go to your house. i do my very best to not react emotionally or like write non needed text back. i just dont know what to do.
before i get the comments oh maybe they dont wanna actually come over, if thats the case. let me talk to them and ask them. btw 9yo and 3yo. so i feel obligated to say that shes just doing it to get a reaction. idk it messes up my whole day and im about done with it. i just dont know what to do. i feel helpless
It’s her responsibility to get the kids to go with you. If you’re not getting your parenting time, go to court. Get a lawyer
Document everything. Courts don't like games with parenting time.
Welcome to the club.
Currently in a fight with my ex right now because she has a new BF, and though she agreed to watch them in the morning before school, she now has a change of heart because she can't sleep in at his house and hasnt been around when we showed up the last few days, so I had to pivot and drive home. I'm of course frustrated and they kids are confused.
But, her narrative is that the kids ask her why Dad can't take them to school and why they have to get up so early when they're at my house. "They think you don't care about them"
So many other examples of this... It's them using the only skill they have to maintain the upper hand... Manipulation. And it's impossible to not have it ruin your day. You have the one person who knows you better than anyone in the world deliberately pushing your buttons
If the parenting plan says they go with you, they go with you. The parenting plan is a legal order and can only change with mutual agreement or a new legal order.
This is an absolutely valid issue to bring to your lawyer. Barring a co-parent from having their parenting time not only plays into custody decisions, but it can potentially be held in contempt of court.
Don’t “do your very best” to not react emotionally. Keep everything neutral and sterile and ignore anything she projects onto you. Keep your communications businesslike, and remind her of your agreed upon schedule.
At this age, it’s not the kids’ choice. If youre in the US, sheis obligated to facilitate the relationship with you (just as you are to her), and not undermine your time with your kids. Be polite, insist on your time, and document the interference. If it continues, file a little motion or get a lawyer, asking the judge to remind her of her obligations. Lots of have had to deal with similar circumstances. Hang in there, keep your kids’ best interest at the forefront, and stand up for your relationship with them — they deserve that from you. Good luck!
Do NOT react emotionally. If you have a hard time with that, I would use ChatGPT to filter your responses to be non-emotional, court-appropriate, short, firm, to the point, and consistent. If you have a high-conflict, controlling, OR narcissistic ex, what you need to do is 100% follow the parenting plan EXACTLY as written/ordered. No wavering unless you BOTH want a change for a day or two for some special reason. Remember that at those ages, the kids are extremely impressionable and can be manipulated easily. Do not believe her when she says, "The kids don't want to go to your house." That does not matter, and also, do not believe her. Even if the kids don't want to go back and forth, they NEED you as a father. Once Children are beyond the age of 2, the Father is the most important parent in their lives. Do not skip this.
When the kids are with you, pay attention to them, spend time with them, do things with them, teach them about life, how to live, how to act, how to process emotions in a healthy way, model something good for them, and focus on being a very present, fun, engaging, and adventurous parent for your children.
Read about parental alienation before it’s too late.
if its a written agreement you can call the non emergency number and tell them you need an officer to help with a custodial transfer
this might vary by state but regardless tell your lawyer or shes not going to stop if there arent actual consequences
Some feedback/coaching in this space:
Have you ever heard the approach to reading emails with various tones to better appreciate them? When people are in a bad mode or expecting to receive a critical email they read every message in that tone. This limits people ability because their bias eclipses everything.
I made the decision to not refer to my kids’ mom as ‘the ex’ (outside of legal discussions) as a way of recognizing her as my former wife, mother of the kids and currently coparent. I also do not disparage her with friends, in front of family (even correcting family members who want to say bad things about her) and especially in front of the kids.
Is she a great person? No. There is a reason we’re not married any more and I have the kids the majority of the time. This has made, what could be very difficult, conversations easier.
When it comes to the kids and the statement “they don’t want to go to your place” I would politely remind her that this is your time and that you respect her time. Consider she is also struggling with not being around the kids all the time as well - address that head on and honestly and see where it goes.
Best of luck - you got this dad.