I wouldn’t call myself conventionally attractive but I’m also not someone who hides who I am. I take care of myself, I’m comfortable in my own skin and I’m at a point where I want someone to like the person I am not some curated version. After getting out of a pretty unhealthy relationship, I figured I’d dip my toe back into dating. Nothing serious, just talking, light banter seeing if anything naturally clicked. I’ve been on and off a few apps over the years like Hinge, Tinder and Bumble, and I’m honest in my profile with recent photos because I don’t want surprises on either side.
What keeps getting to me is how aggressively appearance focused everything feels. I’ve had people match just to make unnecessary comments about my looks or clearly judge me within seconds like they’re scrolling through a catalog instead of interacting with a real person. Even when I unmatch and move on, it sticks with you, not because you don’t know how you look but because someone went out of their way to be unkind for no reason.
It’s made me step back from the apps again, not because I’m ashamed of myself but because the constant snap judgments are exhausting and demoralizing. I wish dating apps weren’t built entirely around swiping and appearances. I wish there was more room for curiosity, conversation and basic human decency before people decide whether you’re worth anything.
I know dating has always involved attraction but this feels different colder, faster and less human. And I can’t help wondering if anyone else feels worn down by that too or if you’ve found a healthier way to date that doesn’t revolve around being judged in two seconds flat.
As someone who aggressively pursued the dating app scene for 7 years only to get insulted on a regular basis, end up in a "relationship" once every 4 months only to get blindsided weeks later... it was nothing but an emotional Rollercoaster. It wasn't the constant rejection that did it in for me.
What did it... Men knew that I was a good person. But I wasn't pretty enough, so I ended up being just a placeholder... over and over and over again. With each break up, it got easier. But only easier in a sense where I became numb. Because I still had to keep going to work, functioning, being an adult.
If this is the pattern you are experiencing, please do yourself a favor and get off the apps for good. Trade it for real life experiences. Find out where the people in your town are hanging out, and go there. The second I did this, I found real men who honestly wanted to get to know me instead of worrying about the fact that I wasn't a size 2.
That constant cycle of rejection and being reduced to a few traits really does wear you down over time. It’s not even about confidence anymore it’s just emotionally exhausting, I felt the same way until I realized the apps themselves were the problem not me. I randomly came across Arrows and what felt different was that it isn’t built around swiping or instant judgment. You’re matched based more on values and then pushed into a video call instead of endless texting which made things feel way more human and intentional.
Oh totally. By the end of it, I thought I was undeserving.
By the time I got out I was so damaged that I didn't want to pursue a relationship anymore. I decided to dive headfirst into online gaming and just make a bunch of online friends. What I didn't realize... I had literally struck gold. There were men everywhere who wanted to spend evenings with me playing games that I actually liked.
It wasn't about appearances or sex, it couldn't be because we weren't in the same location. The bonds I built were natural. In the end I managed to snag a guy who had more qualities and class than all of those men who rejected me. Though I wasn't even asking for it. I was only asking for someone to be kind and emotionally available.
It made me realize that I actually was worth something and that dating apps were only causing me to lose sight of the person that I truly was.
I am a little skeptical of the platform that you are using simply because most companies don't care about the success of their dating client. But maybe there are some out there that aren't all that bad. Feel free to tell me more about this app. Maybe some others may benefit from it. I just want everyone to find someone that wants to.
You’re describing something a lot of people feel but don’t say out loud, being honest about who you are shouldn’t make you a target. It’s exhausting to keep putting yourself out there just to be evaluated instead of actually met.
Dating apps aren’t just appearance based, they’re aggressively appearance based in a way that strips people of humanity. Being judged in seconds by someone who knows nothing about you is exhausting especially when you’re actually trying to connect and not just collect attention.
The way dating apps reduce people to a few photos and seconds of attention is exhausting. It’s not even about confidence it’s about being constantly evaluated without context, tone or humanity. Wanting to step back from that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, it just means the system isn’t built for thoughtful connection, you’re not alone in feeling worn down by it.
Probably because mentally, online dating is similar enough to all the prn they are watching… or shopping on Amazon. We have become so accustomed to instant gratification it’s ruining us. They’re looking for a completely unrealistic 10/10 “entertain me and gratify me”… not a relationship. We are doomed.
You're exactly right! Blame it on Amazon. Lol! People get used to scrolling to see what they like the best. When it comes to dating, this really doesn't show the personality or vibes someone has. I've known many unhappy men who married a beautiful woman who didn't treat them well.
Of course we’re being judged.
People are assholes and showing yourself in an app exposes you to assholes.
When you meet people more organically you have more of a sense of whether the person likes you.
Meeting people online is almost like a job interview process. You might actually be asked to meet for coffee and be asked questions about your relationship history and job. What do you DO? One person told me I wasn't professional enough (after getting to "first base". LOL) It pissed me off enough to take classes.
When I had Facebook dating it was absolutely a soul crushing experience users liars ppl wanting just to sext shallow ppl it seems to b so common these days it's sad thankfully tho those days r over for me
I grew up in the days of hotornot.com it’s always been about judgement.
Sorry to hear about your experience. I really lucked out meeting the love of my life on Bumble 7 years ago. After reading your post, I thought to myself "there need to be dating apps with no pictures!". Lo and behold after googling, there are some out there! (Well, they apparently obscure photos at first). Maybe something to look into!
*Edited because "lo and behold" got autocorrected to LOL and behold 😂
Online dating is just a silent job interview.