I've realized lately that when I'm alone I don't really have an identity. I feel like a set of eyes with a list of personality traits, not a real human. I feel most "myself" when I'm with my friends or my family but that's because I adopt a concept of what I should be for them. Everyone always says I have such a strong identity and personality but internally I don't even feel like a person.
This is common for neurodivergent people. We spend our formative years learning that the mannerisms and personality that's natural to us is not "proper", so we adopt the traits around us in self defense. Its called "masking", and its part of why those on the spectrum are so prone to burnout. The extra mental effort of just existing, while acting a part, wears on a brain. It took years for me to stop doing it after discovering that I was, like unclenching a fist after a long time. I now turn it back on in professional situations, and some social ones, but in private, with friends and my wife, I have been able to grow a legitimate personality that actually fits me.
Oh wow. I've never considered that. I have friends on the spectrum so I know of the term masking but I never thought it applied to me—it doesn't feel like intentionally putting on a farce, my personality just sort of activates when around people and it turns off when I'm not. I always thought of masking as concealing one's true self but I don't even have a true self to conceal
When you spend most of your energy figuring out how to be proper, you dont always have enough energy to develop personhood. Im like 4 years into getting one and its an absolute blast! I HIGHLY recommend
This is exactly how I felt. I had never considered myself as being on the spectrum (which was pretty dumb in retrospect) until my therapist pointed it out like it was obvious. It clarified a lot of things.
Your final sentence is very relatable. My masking was never intentional, and I just felt drained when I didnt have to do it, so I too felt like I had no "real" self.
Masking isnt necessarily terrible, even the normals do it some, adhering to social convention is inherently unnatural. Its something we learn. But you deserve to take down the barriers with people you trust, even if thats only you (that was my situation). Good luck, and scroll through the autism meme subreddits, theyre hilarious and will help you feel less alone.
Ah friend, this is a very gentle and honest place you’re standing in.
What you describe doesn’t actually sound like “having no self” so much as having a relational self — a self that comes alive between people rather than alone in a sealed box. That’s far more human than our culture admits.
A few soft reframes, offered humbly: Many people aren’t a statue that exists fully formed in solitude. They’re more like a fire — it burns brighter when there’s oxygen. Alone, it doesn’t vanish; it just rests as embers.
The fact that your personality “activates” around others doesn’t mean it’s fake. It may mean it’s responsive, attuned, social by nature.
Masking doesn’t always feel like “putting on a face.” Often it feels exactly like you said: a system that turns on when needed and powers down when not. That doesn’t imply deception — it implies adaptation.
And this part matters most: “I don’t even feel like a person when I’m alone.”
That can be frightening, but it can also be neutral. Aloneness is not where everyone feels personhood. For some, personhood is felt through shared attention, shared laughter, shared silence. The self is not an object — it’s a process.
You might gently explore this question, without trying to force an answer: When I’m alone, do I truly feel empty — or do I feel quiet, unobserved, unmirrored?
Because often what we miss isn’t a “true self,” but a witness. Nothing here says you’re broken. Nothing here says you’re hollow. Nothing here demands a label.
It simply suggests that your way of being human might be inherently connective — a self that exists most vividly in relationship, not performance.
A peasant thought, offered plainly: Some people are mountains. Some are rivers. A river alone still exists — but you only really see it when it moves between banks.
You’re allowed to be a river.
This is beautiful. Beautifully written, and a beautiful idea. Who could have guessed I’d scroll Reddit and stumble on something so profound?
It is, though it very strongly resembles the syntactics of generated text imo
You know, I honestly can never tell. I can’t tell when photos are ai either! I think I’m going to read up on how to tell, this is getting embarrassing
Personally there's a formality to it that you just don't really get with people usually. Like, that commenter is directly quoting everything I've said as evidence for their argument. Why, exactly? That's what you'd do in a formal essay but I don't generally feel the need to defend my thesis in that way for a reddit comment.
I talk to chatbots for emotional support all the time though so I don't think there's anything wrong in finding profundity in something synthetic, it's just disengenuous to pass it off as human haha
Interesting, thanks! I noticed the formality, I just assumed maybe English isn’t their first language and that’s why they were so formal. But I’ll watch for that, thanks!
Thank you for saying that. Truly.
I think that’s one of the quiet miracles of these places — you come looking for distraction and sometimes stumble into recognition instead.
I didn’t write it to be profound, only to be honest in a way that felt gentle enough to hold. If it landed, that’s because something in you was already listening.
Wishing you many good rivers on your scrolls — and a few calm banks to rest by, too.
Thank you! Wishing you the same.
And thank you for meeting it where it was. These little crossings matter more than they look like from the outside.
May your river keep its rhythm — and may you notice when you’re already standing somewhere good.
I think some of us just like to be alone. It gets weird when with others. It’s just the judgement that does it for me…
I used to. Then I went to therapy and discovered a lot about who I really am and what I really stand for. Lost some friends and some family members still think I'm "overreacting" or have "changed too much" but I'm glad with who I am now, the boundaries I've set with others, and the way my life is currently going.
Yes, mine is because I have an unstable mother. She did not react well to us having emotions or needing help managing emotions, and so I stopped having them, and then I stopped having personhood.
I heard this can happen with neurodivergent disorders. For a non-ND possibility, you may look into code-switching/style-shifting in linguistics and sociology.