• May I offer Tom Lehrer’s A Christmas Carol?

    Kill the turkeys, ducks, and chickens,
    Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens.
    Even though the prospect sickens,
    Brother, here we go again.

    https://tomlehrersongs.com/a-christmas-carol/

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    On Christmas Day, you can’t be sore

    Your fellow man you must adore

    There’s time to rob him all the more

    The other three hundred and sixty fouuuuur…

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    Are you insane?! Most houses are empty on Christmas Day, that’s the perfect time to go robbing.

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    found the Wet Bandits' Reddit account

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    Relations sparing no expense'll

    Send some useless old utensil

    Or a matching pen and pencil

    Just the thing I need. How nice.

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    I'm a big fan of wordplay. ex: "deck my balls with bows of cocky" is a real stim I have

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    Lehrer always brings the holiday chaos, I’m here for it

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  • Reminds me of “jingle bells Batman smells, Robin laid an egg”

    And

    “Joy to the world that Barney is dead, we chopped off his head! We flushed it down the potty, round and round it goes, joy to the world that Barney is dead”

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    tom scott has a brilliant video on this, but where i live, the regional variant is 'robin flew away, auntie judy lost her boobies on the motorway, hey!' then an entire verse about a skiing accident. good times

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    Mine was “the Batmobile, has lost a wheel, and the joker got away, hey!”

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    "Joy to the world, Barney's dead! We barbecued his head! What happened to the body? We flushed it down the potty, And round and round it goes!"

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    Oh man. That Barney song is something I definitely knew but haven’t thought about in over 30 years. Amazing.

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  • "wrapping our yard goat in lights" 

    Wat.

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    What do you mean "what". Christmas goats are not that obscure

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    OHHHH THE ONES MADE OUT OF LIKE WOOD OR STRAW OR WHATEVER!

    I literally thought it was a living goat.

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    Tbh I misread it as "Wrapping our yard in goat lights" at first

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  • 🎶We Three Kings of Orient are

    Smoking on a rubber cigar

    It was loaded,

    It exploded-

    BOOM

    Star of wonder, star of light

    Fill your pants with dynamite

    Light the fuse and off we go

    Around the world to Mexico

    We Two Kings of Orient are.....🎶

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    We used to sing:

    We three kings of orient are/One in a taxi, one in a car/One on a scooter/Blowing his hooter/Smoking a big cigar

    Another British variant is 'we three kings of Leicester Square, buying and selling fine underwear'.

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  • Dashing through the snow

    On a pair of broken skies

    Over the fields we go

    Crashing into trees

    The snow is turning red

    I think that I am dead

    And all I wanted for Christmas

    Was a medical bed

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    Dashing through the snow

    On reindeer which can't fly

    Falling off of cliffs

    We're giving it a try

    I think someone is hurt

    I think it's my friend Fred

    And when we see his bloody face

    We know that he is dead!

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    Ambulance, Amblunace

    Please save my friend Fred

    Oh, he's beatean down

    He's bleeding out, please come to his aid, hey!

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    Reminds me of when I worked in a nursing home, I usually volunteered for holidays and a version I had going went roughly like this:

    Dashing through (insert wing, I usually worked 2A or 3B)

    Get the fuck out of my way

    Dude fell down again

    Admissions on the way

    Call bells fucking ring

    Always on that light

    What fun it's gonna be to chug

    A fifth of Jack tonight

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  • It's also fascinating how it varies between languages. Here in Romania we have:

    Base version: "Moş Crăciun cu plete dalbe, a venit de prin nămeți. Şi aduce daruri multe la fetițe şi băieți."

    Rude version: "Moş Nebun, cu plete dalbe, a venit de prin boscheți. Şi aduce sticle sparte la fantome şi scheleți."

    My translations, trying to preserve rhymes, but not meter:

    Base version: "White-haired Santa Claus, from the snow he arose. And he brings many gifts, to all the little kids"

    Rude version: "White-haired crazy man, from the shrubbery he came. And he brings broken ampoules, to the skeletons and ghouls"

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    it warms my xmas heart to know Romanians have fucked up pun carols too

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  • The darkest parody I remember us singing is:

    🎶 He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. // He'll climb into your room at night, if you see him just shout 'rape.' Oi! ... 🎶

    People who overheard the lyrics obviously hated it, but at least it showed we as children knew that's not normal adult behaviour? That's good. Safer.

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  • Joy to the world, the teacher’s dead.

    We sacrificed her head!

    What happened to the principal?

    He’s hanging from the flagpole

    With a rope around his neck

    With a rope around his neck

    With a ro-ope, a rope, around his neck

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    Ours was barbecued her head, what happened to the body, we flushed it down the potty, and round and round it goes, etc.

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    Ours was

    Joy to the world, that Barney’s dead.

    We barbecued his head!

    Don’t worry about the body

    We flushed it down the potty

    And round and round it goes

    Round and round it goes

    And joy to the world that Barney’s dead

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  • Batman smells and robin laid an egg

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    Batmobile lost a wheel and the Joker got away!

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  • My sisters and I made up this very short carol alternative:

    “Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, I beg your pardon but I have to pee”

    A critical part of the performance is standing next to the tree and lifting your leg like a dog after the last line.

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  • It’s not child-made, but my favorite corrupted carol is probably Rusty Chevrolet

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  • I'm sorry, your yard goat?

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  • jingle bells, batman smells, robin ran away. uncle billy lost his willy on the motorway.

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  • Deck the halls with gasoline

    Fa la la la la la la la la

    Strike a match and watch it gleam

    Fa la la la la la la la la

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    We always sang "watch the children run and scream" which is fucked up lmao 

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  • They see you when you're sleeping

    They know when you're awake

    They know if you've been bad or good

    They're the goddamn NSA!

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  • Rudolph the black-nosed chauffeur
    Had a very black nose

    And if you ever saw it
    You would never say it glows.

    All of the other chauffeurs
    Used to laugh and call him names.

    They never let poor Rudolph
    Play in any chauffeur games.

    Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
    Bill Gates came to town.

    He said, "Rudolph, with your nose so black,
    Won't you drive my Cadillac?"

    Now all the chauffeurs love him,
    And they shouted out with glee,

    "Rudolph, the black-nosed chauffeur,
    You'll go down in history!"

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    I’ve gotta say the black 3 headed monster has really changed the way I mentally read the word black when it’s a central characteristic of something.

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  • Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

    Had a very chewy nose

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  • When I was a kid, it was about arson.

    “Deck the halls with gasoline, fa la la la la, la la la la,

    Light a match and watch it gleam, fa la la…

    Watch the school burn down to ashes, fa la la…

    Aren’t you glad I played with matches, fa la la…”

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  • My friend and I used to sing "Rudolph the Alcoholic.". All I remember of the lyrics was the finale:

    Then one foggy Christmas Eve He was driving drunk to work Then he heard a siren and Caused an accident, the drunken old jerk

    Now he sits in a courthouse With a lawyer at his side Let's hope he gets out by Christmas Or Santa'll have to find a new guide

    It was a local version because at some point it referred to a local bar but I have no idea where we got it.

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  • Kids are so creative ❤️

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  • Those kids are lyrical geniuses but Rudolph needs a lawyer

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