I'm 7w3d with my 6th pregnancy in 7 years, with 2 chemicals, 1 early loss at 5 weeks, 1 MMC at 6 weeks after IVF and 1 ectopic; in between we had a failed IUI and a canceled cycle of IVF (I keep thinking maybe I should start a bingo card).
This pregnancy has thrown me into an anxiety spiral from day 1. I was just thinking about finally embracing the IFchildfree lifestyle when I found out.
The first scan looked good, she marked heart activity, the second scan a week ago looked fine but she couldn't see the heart because she had to use an old ultrasound machine. Next appointment is next Monday.
However, I really haven't been well mentally and in the meantime, I've convinced myself the embryo died. I've been cramping a bit and have had some very minor brown bleeding maybe once per day. After my many past losses I refuse to run to the ER for anything other than a period-like bleeding bc I know there's nothing they could do anyway.
I'm on progesterone suppositories and I'm 100% convinced that if I stopped them now, I would start bleeding properly. I'm convinced that at our next appointment, I'll get another "I'm sorry but the embryo has stopped growing."
Whether I'm right or wrong doesn't even matter to me, because I'm just deeply sad that all of the joy and happiness of pregnancy have been ripped from me.
Uff that has been quite the journey... Don't stop with the progesterone, as that can cause the bleeding. Until you know for sure, don't change anything.
Hope all is well and you get good news at the next ultrasound 🙏🏻
Thank you <3 I won't stop all of my meds until I'm sure.Â
I’m sorry for your losses. I had 6 losses (4 ectopics in a row, lost my tubes and a couple miscarriages thrown in for funsies /s) I had to do IVF to have my kid which took 3 transfers.
I can only say I understand completely how you feel and I didn’t feel at ease until I had my child in my Iarms. It’s normal to feel this way but there are ways of coping so you can survive it that’s better than expecting the worst. Do you see a perinatal psychologist or therapist? I wouldn’t have gotten through it without one. The biggest struggle and thing that upset me was the same as you - I will never ever enjoy a pregnancy.
Anxiety while horrible, is not intuition. That’s the mantra I had to tell myself. It’s really hard to expect the best when you’ve only experienced the worse but I am wishing you so much luck. 🩷
Damn, you went through so much. I deeply admire your perseverance đź©· and I'm so glad to hear you got your rainbow baby in the end. Thank you for sharing your story. It's such a lonely road and it feels good to know that others understand. I've been considering seeing some sort of therapist. Healthcare pays for it where I live but they usually all have huge waiting lists.Â
I've heard that mantra before and I try to repeat it to myself every day. Like you said, hoping for the best when you've only ever experienced the worst is harddddddd. Thank you so much for your kindness 🫶
Try calling your insurer to see if they have specialists that match their clients with providers. I’m on Medicaid, so they might have a more robust program for this, but my understanding is that insurers usually keep a registry of what providers are covered by their plans as well as polling to see who is accepting clients. By using that, I was able to get seen for therapy within weeks of my stillbirth rather than months
I'm not in the USA but that's still good advice. Thank you.Â
Gosh you have been through so much. I am so sorry for the losses and the loss of joy and innocence in this pregnancy and any future ones. Pregnancy loss really does have a way of chewing us up and spitting us out in a million pieces. It’s just brutal. I’m not sure where you are located but there is an amazing service called pregnancy and infant loss support Canada and you can access them from any country. They have amazing resources, a manned text chat where you can text talk with women who have also experienced loss and offer you support and might be able to help you access therapy. I did some ART therapy (rapid eye) after some of my losses and it was really helpful. At the end of the day if your pregnancy is successful (and I truly hope it is) the next 9 months are going to be tough for you. So tough. Anxiety is guaranteed so you need to find ways to lessen it. I have been in your shoes and felt the deep dark doomsday anxiety but as this other commenter said, that really does not mean anything has gone wrong. You cannot experience joy when all your other experiences have brought is trauma.
Hoping for good things to come your way OP. Much love ♥️
Sending you hugs and all of the luck in the world 💙 I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Thank you đź©·
I feel this. I’m currently 7W5D after four losses. Saw a HR of 144 at 6W5D but have since had a red bleeding scare. I’m continuing my progesterone and hoping for the best. Sending you positive vibes. Pregnancy after loss is hard.
I'm sorry you have to go through this as well. Thank you so much for the good vibes and understanding. Feels good to know I'm not alone. <3Â
Sorry for your losses and hard journey. Ive had previous losses as well.
Tw current pregnancy-
my current pregnancy, currently 37+5, i recall being super anxious for the first 18w until i could feel bub move (anxiety lessened but never fully went away). Scans were reassuring, but the time in-between, filled with all the anxiety and negative thoughts. Bub was measuring 5 days behind at 7w, but good FHR, 4 days behind at 9w, good FHR, 3 days behind at 12w, good FHR and 50%tile every scan following. I recall having some bloody/brown discharge around week 6-8, according to my IVF clinic it was fairly common around this time to get some bloody/brown discharge, and could be from the progesterone pessaries irritating the cervix causing some light bleeding. Hopefully its something minor like this, and nothing too sinister.
All the best for your next scan, everything crossed for you! Easier said than done, but try to relax and destress.
Thank you so much for your kind words. At this point I feel like even daily scans couldn't help me feel better.Â
Wishing you a good rest of your pregnancy and a safe delivery!Â
Its so hard to put our faith in our bodies to keep things going well when we have experienced the loss of the past.
Cramping etc early on can be normal as well, i recall having period type cramping from approx 6-10w on and off, my clinic reassured me that it is most likely just my uterus expanding etc and not to be too worried unless accompanied by decent sized amounts of bright red blood.
Thanks for the well wishes! Hoping the best for you and a reassuring next scan! We all know you deserve some good after the years of crap.
Hang in there! I’m here praying for your rainbow baby! My wife was in a similar situation and it was a long 9 months of anxiety after MMc and ectopic.
Thank you, I appreciate it <3Â
I have 3 chemicals before, now I am 7w 2d. I had a bright red bleeding last week. Went to ER and saw the heartbeat, thankfully. So doctor raised the dosage of progesterone and gave me days off work(I don'tknow how to say it in English otherwise sorry). But I cannot relax. I cannot shake the feeling this all might be in vain. Still I try not to suppress it and cry when I need to. I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending you hugsđź«‚
Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry you have to go through this too. I hope you'll have a safe and healthy pregnancy <3 the not being able to relax is so draining. I'm off work atm for Christmas break, thankfully. Otherwise I'd probably cry at work every day lol.Â
How are you inserting the suppositories? Vaginally or anally? If vaginally that often causes the brown spotting.
Cramping is also normal as long as not severely painful.
I do understand. I think I've been pregnant 16 times and have 3 children...
Vaginally, I didn't even know you can take them anally.Â
Wow, your perseverance is admirable. Glad you got your rainbow babies!Â
Yes you can, start doing that now, the spotting should stop.
It should say on the prescription itself that it can be taken either way because the Dr's rarely bother to tell you.
You have every right to feel the way you do considering your past. Try to consider this though: the more you stress, the more cortisol your body produces. Cortisol doesn’t help pregnancy. So you need to try your best to remain calm. I know that’s so much easier said than done. I have experienced loss as well, so when I got pregnant again, I exercised a lot of dissociation. This is what got me through the first trimester of fear. I didn’t even think about the baby. I just treated my pregnancy as a medical condition. This helped me to not think about the potential of loss.
I'm autistic so I'm kind of good at dissociating myself from bad things generally, but at the same time, it'll hit me at random like a freight train. Treating it like a medical condition is a good idea though, maybe that could help. I've mostly been trying to focus on other things, keeping busy, binge-watching heated rivalry and such.Â
I completely relate with that. There were plenty of times that I would get hit so hard with emotions about it, but I would always step outside, stand in the sunlight and close my eyes. I would pay attention to the smell of the air, the way the wind or sunlight felt on my skin, and the sounds I could hear. It would help me ground myself and pull me out of the drowning feeling. I hope you’re able to find what works for you, and I wish you all the best on your journey 💗
I understand this for sure. I had a MMC at 9w in March, and I’m now 8w2d, and completely freaking out. I don’t even like to say I’m 8w2d bc I haven’t had a scan since 6w5d so what do I even know??? My next scan also isn’t until Monday (at 9w1d) and I don’t know how I’m gonna get through it.
What I will say, what has helped me is to repeat that fear and anxiety are not intuition. It is understandable that I am afraid and fear the worst, and it doesn’t mean I’m willing bad things to happen. So many people don’t experience the joy and happiness of pregnancy, it’s okay that I cannot either.
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant after two losses and almost 8 years of infertility. I think about stopping my suppositories as well at 8 weeks because I was sure she was going to die or was dead. Not only was that not the case she came back with normal nipt testing. At 14 weeks despite me being plus size and having an anterior placenta, I can feel this girl kicking the shit out of my uterus (confirmed by ultrasound as well lol).
I know its so hard to be pregnant again after miscarriage. Don't let your mind win. Head into the ER, I did at 8 weeks sure that she was dead. Give your baby a chance and if it is truly loss my heart bleeds for you. I'm really hoping your baby is just as strong as mine.
This just made me tear up <3 thank you. I hope you have a calm and peaceful rest of your pregnancy and a save delivery.Â
Just came here to give hugs and send all the love đź’—
Best of luck for this pregnancy. I’m so sorry for your losses.
Anxiety poisons your pregnancy, truly. What helped me overcome it after multiple losses as well, was to remind myself (actually my husband reminded me) that this baby deserves to be celebrated and feel the excitement and joy and happiness that I had for the very first pregnancy, before it ended. Every single pregnancy, every single baby developing, deserves the same energy as the first one.
Also, pregnancy is highly anxiety-driving if you let it. Once you get over one hump, you’ll have two more waiting in its place. Then childbirth anxiety. Then newborn anxiety. Then toddler anxiety. Then general child safety anxiety. Then teenage anxiety.. as you see, the cycle is endless. What you can and NEED to do as a responsible adult, is to find ways and tools to control your anxiety and not succumb to it.
Someone told me during my last pregnancy after a loss that “anxiety does not equal intuition”. It saved me. I had to keep reminding myself that just because I believed something didn’t make it real. Pregnancy after loss is so hard. You aren’t alone in these feelings friend