I'm living with my (widowed) elderly mother in rural Ireland and do not have a driving license. I'm finding it very isolating, I work from home and some days the only people I talk to is my mother and my neighbors, who are also all over the age of sixty. I'm in my early thirties. Does anyone have any suggestions about how I could improve my quality of life until I can move out?
I think learning to drive would make the biggest impact
And the most obvious one...😅
Learn to drive. It is absolutely shite learning but so worth it.
I mean...you literally typed out...."and i do not have a driving licence".
Hahah yes I agree
I passed my driving test at 38, in an automatic. Its been life changing for me as im disabled.
You could have a look for some online classes or in person night classes, that could help, or if you game, you could find a community for the game and make friends that way. That's what I did when I couldnt drive, my online friends are more reliable than in person ones in my experience, plus I met my husband playing games online too :)
Probably not the same but I've always struggled with my confidence and ability to make decisions on the fly while learning to drive, I've been recently diagnosed with autism and ADHD so I'm wondering if an automatic would make a big difference.
I'm 37 and about to do my driving test, automatic only. Very similar to yourself, recently diagnosed ADHD and always known I was dyspraxic so when I tried to learn in a manual years ago it was a nightmare for me - the automatic made a world of difference. There's so much less to worry about. I'd say it's well worth trying out.
My mother passed her test at 59, never too late. Automatic is the way forward all the new cars are going to be in the future. Definitely worth it.
Huge difference, go for it!
Learn to.drive, apply for theory test today.thats step number 1.
Sorry but you need to learn to drive. Even if you move out and to a city, you will limited without a car.
An electric bike might help depending on how far you are away from a town etc
Was going to suggest this
Is there a particular reason or barrier to you learning to drive?
My dad taught my siblings to drive im the youngest, he died when I was a teenager so I've always used that as an excuse to put off learning and because I've suffered from panic attacks I thought it would be better to learn in my thirties when I was a bit older, now I'm in my thirties I guess I don't have any excuses to put it off any longer !
A piece of advice if you have anxiety learn in an automatic. It removes an additional layer of complexity.
I learned in a manual and drove one for years but now have an automatic, honestly would never go back it’s so much more relaxing. Would definitely recommend people to learn in one if they’re older or anxious about driving.
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I came here to say exactly that! Conquer driving on YouTube is very good as well.
Agreed, I’m horribly anxious to the point I haven’t been able to get into the car before, learning in an automatic will make your life so much easier
I completely agree. Also, my left knee is giving me a lot of trouble as I'm getting older, and I don't think I could work a clutch anymore (especially in stop-and-go traffic). I got an automatic when I had to commute into Dublin pre-pandemic, and I've never looked back.
Thanks, that's something I'll look into because I think making getting my driving license as simple as possible for myself is probably key
I feel like this will be case for me, issue is only have access to manual to practice. Did you do lessons in automatic?
I did indeed! I had no car and no other way to practice. Worth it in the end. I would never have passed in a manual IMO. I have dyspraxia and learning to drive was already terrible lol
Yeah I absolutely hear you, great that you managed with not having access to auto to practice outside of lessons, currently trying to figure this out with partner who feels I should just get on with it in manual :/
After attempting it last year I dont think this will happen.
It's a rough spot to be in & I'm sorry your partner isn't more supportive. If you can save up and do the extra lessons in the automatic it'll stand to you. I wish you luck & hope you figure it out 😊
Hello, I also have dyspraxia-would u have any advice and if u are in the Dublin area by any chance,could recommend an instructor?
Advice yes but unfortunately not re instructors as I learned in cork.
Random advice in no order: - learn in an automatic. -find an Instructor who has worked with dyspraxic/neurodivergent people before. We often need more time and may have more anxiety so you need a chill instructor who understands how to deal with that. -It may take you longer than you think to learn and that's okay. It's a lot of information to process quickly which can be difficult with dyspraxia. -Write a big ole L & R on your hand to help with lefts and rights if that is a struggle for you too. -Accept it may take a few goes to pass the test and that's okay too. -dont be afraid to ask for clarification or for it to be explained to you a different way if something doesn't make sense. -most importantly just cos it's a bit more difficult does not mean you can't do it. Try and hold the self belief that you can do it and hang in there in tough moments.
I wish you loads of luck & safe driving friend! 😊
Thank u for the kind words. I did laugh at the L & R-I did that all the time as a child and still have to do it now at times😊
Do it now. It actually feels harder the older you get. No reason to delay.
My sister finally learnt at 49 so it’s very doable. It’s been life changing for her.
Maybe you've subconsciously linked past trauma with learning to drive? Maybe therapy to address this, if it's an option?
Yup that is a possibility, I already attend a therapist so that is something I could mention to them, they might be able to suggest some coping techniques for driving in general also so that could be really helpful for me!
Fair play. Yeah, bring it up. Who knows, even just saying something out loud to a trusted person who isn't involved in your personal life can make it smaller and less of a big deal. I've certainly found that in my own experience anyway.
Also, sorry to hear about your dad. Can't imagine what that's like, never mind as a kid.
Maybe I am way off here, but I see this as you kinda saying but not saying "Ive run out of ways to justify avoidance" So talk to your therapist about any shame you might feel about this. This I believe might be a factor, Shame rarely produces action. It produces more avoidance/excuses. Their is no shame in feeling anxiety in such a situation, it is perfectly normal and understandable and a good therapist will assure you of this, while guiding you through how to mange/cope with it.
Yeah get an automatic and it will help ease you into it, it's all going that way anyway, it's not like it's 2008 and you have 50 years of driving ahead of you.
Don't put it off any longer if you can afford it. It'll be a game-changer for you.
Just do it. It’s a life changer. Find a way to drive off public roads if you can. A meadow after the silage is off it, a private road, a closed off factory yard etc. Learn how to control a car and then it’s only a matter of getting used to traffic. It’s the best way. It’s better than paying for lessons to creep around next a driving instructor crapping your pants.
I'm sorry for your loss u/PuzzledHumor234. There's lots of good advice in the replies about learning on automatics etc.
But if you still feel uncomfortable after trying to learn & consider it safer for you & other road users to remain a non-driver, remember that's ok too.
In the short-term (because even if you do decide to learn, it takes time & money), I'd recommend cycling (standard or e-bike) to your nearest coffee shop etc. Try work from there occasionally, or even just stop in for a break from work & chat to some people who you usually wouldn't come into contact with. It's low pressure socially & then you can consider working up to other recreational things that you may be able to access via bicycle.
Edit: Yeah the downvotes on this are weird.
Thanks, there are no coffee shops very near me however there are some coworking/ remote working hubs so that is something I could inquire about!
Oh that would be a great idea if you could manage to cycle to those in the meantime while you're deciding whether to try driving lessons. A nice small bit of socialisation again with low enough pressure because you're all firstly focusing on work.
If it's within budget, I'd consider occasional taxis to your nearest coffee shop too.
Good idea, taxis are definitely an option to me
Best of luck with it all OP, good on you for putting yourself out there with questions. I hope you find something that eases the isolation for you 🤞
You could be isolated in a town or city too.
Look into some activities you could do locally. Musical and drama society, sports, reading club at the library. Find ways to meet new people, there are plenty in the same boat.
Yeah and definitely getting a car would help you get some headspace but that isn't the only barrier, you could get taxis or lifts if you're determined to get out there.
Yes, that is a good point, definitely need to work on getting outside my comfort zone
I was in a similar position for a long time. I'm guessing you're not going to be open to hearing "get a driving license and buy a car"? That's what I did.
And I tried to get interested in things happening locally. My job had a social club, so I joined that and went to some events and outside work tried to get involved in some nerd hobbies like Magic (the card game, not sorcery), art classes, DnD, Warhammer, etc. With mixed results.
But as cliché and annoying as it is to hear, you have to get out of the house if you want to meet people. Unfortunately, that's where everyone else is.
I wouldn't say that I'm now surrounded by friends. I'm a bit awkward and find it difficult to force people to like me on a level deeper than, "Who? Oh, her. Aye. She's lovely." If that makes sense. But I now have a social circle to the point where this year I organized a Christmas night out and fifteen people came. That sounds pathetic, sure, but ten years ago if I'd organized a night out the only people who would be there would have been my mum and her elderly cousin.
My point being every time someone posts one of these, are the advice is to join clubs, take classes or otherwise fine something to do that involves having to mingle with strangers and no one wants to hear it, but it does work.
Yeah I can relate, the longer I live at my mother's house the harder it is to get out and live my own social life, everyone locally is starting to seem more and more like 'my mothers friend's or 'my mothers neighbour' or ' my mother's sports group' and I am not seeing the potential for sports groups or social groups to be thing I could try or join. I like some of your suggestions like DND or art classes, they are definitely something I could at least try out, and might be a way for starting to be more social and practice getting out of my comfort zone and embarrassing myself even if I am thirty. I could aim to have a social circle to meet up with as you have however that seems a bit far off atm!
I left Ireland because I'm not allowed to drive and it is a frustrating country to get around in without a car (I'm legally blind).
Get your driving license, you will need it, you won't regret it.
Get a provisional and buy a moped.
I considered moving to a European city where I could rely on public transport, however I realized I just like the Irish culture. I wouldn't rule out immigrating but it wouldn't be a long term solution to driving for me.
I emigrated in the early 90s when Ireland was on its knees and there were few prospects. I was diagnosed with an eye condition in early 00s and had to give up my driving license. As this involved a huge lifestyle change, I decided to move home to Ireland.
It was not the same country I had left. The tiger had turned everyone into assholes fixated with the value of their property, how big their jeep / BMW was, hiring helicopters for holy communions. I also found Limerick to be too small for me, everyone knew my business and I hated that!
Moved back to London about 13 years ago. I love that no one knows me, that I can explore the city quite easily and if I want to dip into Irish culture, there's a lot of clubs for that.
I do a lot of exploring London! you find stuff you'll never see in a tourist guide. Just before Christmas I was passing a small independent bakery in Bermondsey.. I popped in and asked (expecting the answer to be no) "Do you sell soda bread?" and indeed they did! It was lovely!
My sister worked in London for a few years and loved it! It's good to hear that you made your life work even without a driving license. I've heard London is very expensive, however having a lot of Irish people around me would be very comforting away from Ireland and it sounds like living in London is never boring!
London can be very expensive but it really isn't much different than Ireland in those terms.
The shock to your system is how vast London is. Coming from rural Ireland this will blow your mind a bit at first but it is surprisingly easy to get out to the countryside if you need it. The parks are massive too! I live near Surrey Docks farm.. yes, a farm (one of many) in London.
But, if you want to stay home, get that provisional license as soon as possible and start learning to drive. You can get a moped and use it on an L plate until you've done some driving lessons in a car.
At the very least get an e-bike. Theyre good for 30 to 50 km on a charge. No license required, just a helmet and a bit of sense.
That is probably very good advice in a town or city, unfortunately in the part of rural Ireland I am currently living in, potholes would very quickly be the end of any ebike and I havent seen anyone using them as transport on rural roads, possibly for that reason!
Have you seen the size of the fat tyres some of these e-bikes have. Be no bother for some of the mountain bikes
I did not know that! Must look into different options
Rural roads are just too dangerous this time of year. Between the dark, the wind, the rain, the mud and lunatic teenagers bombing around, I wouldn’t dream of relying on an e-bike.
If you do one thing for yourself, learn to drive. Yes it’s expensive but the freedom cannot be described. Especially now you’ve found yourself in this situation, having a car and being able to literally step out of your house and go anywhere is amazing.
My PMs are open if you ever want to chat, I’m slightly older than you, female, based in Galway and non judgemental if you ever need to vent.
I would learn how to drive …make it like your 2026 wish and commitment for this year
Didn't learn to drive until I was in my mid 20's and you won't realise how much it changes your life until you're actually driving.
Loads of people learn to drive in their 30s. Pay for lessons. It will change your life.
You should move out to a larger town or city if your mother is of sound mind. Tine to build a life and cut the apron strings. You can check in on her from afar.
That is my goal as she is still independent and has the dog for company
I do an online Irish course with Conradh na Gaeilge once a week. Depending on your interests would there be any online courses where you’d engage with other people even if it’s virtually as that’s at least something you ca do without driving and before moving out. Also depending on where in rural Ireland you are is there a hill walking / hiking club you could join that hike there regularly? For example I’m in a club Cork who often do hikes in Kerry. If you were in Kerry say, you could join them on some hikes. They normally car pool so that might be a way around a lack of car. Hope things start to look up for you, hang in there.
Get yourself a driving licence and a car. Immediately your horizons will be more opened.
Learn to drive and do auto if you’re scared :)
This is the downside of rural living.
You have two options: 1) Learn to drive 2) Rent somewhere closer to other people
There's no other option
Learning to drive doesn't have to be a huge barrier, I found it easy enough. I passed the theory when I was 17, just practice on your laptop until you can answer them all right. 12 lessons doesn't take too long, and maybe an automatic car would be easier, but manual really isn't too hard. And if you take the test somewhere rural, it's a lot easier than in the city because you've no difficult intersections and traffic.
You should start driving. I started very late too. We moved to the NW and I’d been working in my hometown so could walk to and from work.
I was 35 when I had my first lesson. Passed the test first time.
Get one of your siblings to visit and spend a day with you in an empty private car park, and learn how to get the feel of driving about. Perhaps even hop onto some very deserted roads. After you have a feel of it in a comfortable setting like that and with someone you're chill with, go and get a few lessons. The actual rules of the road, learning signposts and the like, are trivial. Alternatively, you could start as I did and get a wee Vespa. They are ridiculously intuitive and are super easy to drive.
The good news is all of this is cheap and relatively easy to do, and it'll grant some extra bit of freedom.
You could see about moving to somewhere with more people, but that's obviously harder.
Perhaps an unusual suggestion, but you could see if there is a Bridge club anywhere near you. It's an exciting, cut-throat game, and the people who play it can be fun. Get exercise every single day. It does wonders for health and mental wellbeing. As does LSD, which you can get legally in Germany (and it's always better in the countryside). General recommendation: read lots, write lots.
Ill check into the bridge, I'm sure there is a local one
We have quite similar living situations and dilemmas except Im unemployed
Honestly learn to drive, it’s the most empowering thing
Do look into local link, they have massively expanded in the last five years and while you still might have to cycle to a stop, they could be valuable for expanding where you can visit on days off.
Online hobby courses. One of my hobbies is writing and usually at this time of year I do a Zoom writing course with the Irish Writers Centre. They are usually pretty good craic and give a social outlet at this time of year.
Beep beep
You could get a dog.
There is a dog in the house, a Frenchie who used to belong to my sibling who couldn't keep it in their rented flat anymore. It's definitely a big help for me, a great companion while working from home and puts the attention on the dog in the household! I suppose its one reason not to move out however lots of people use pet cameras to keep an eye on their dog during the day so my mother could do that when I move out.
You definitely need to get driving. You can pop the dog into the car and head off to villages / towns / parks etc, and go rambling with the dog. You don’t have to talk to anyone (I prefer not to), but you will meet so many people doing this one simple thing. It’ll change your life.
Definitely learning to drive would be brilliant for you. I put it off until I was 30 but it's never too late to learn! I've my license 5/6 years now and honestly I'm not sure why I didn't do it sooner especially being from somewhere quite rural originally as well and having to get buses for years!
I think having a license opens more doors to you as well socially. You could get involved in hobbies in your area and not have to rely on public transport.
Learning to drive will open up a whole new world, you could join a sports club, book club etc. Now those might be possible with local link etc but you'll be listed.
I can't explain the freedom driving gave me. I live in such a rural place driving is essential - I highly recommend!
Learn to drive. Automatic car would be easier.
Get your license, get an ebike too.. Consider getting a scooter.. Anything to get outy of thee hous regularly... And sorry to say this but if your Mam is this old .... you aint leaving soon...
How do you get essentials, if can get out for them you already have an option, plus get a car and drive.
Car is freedom. In the meantime your company probably has the bike to work sceam. I know your working at home but I've known loads of people who have done it in your position. Get an electric bike!
Learn to drive and get a car
Do you consider those over 60 to be the elderly?
Yes however I respect your opinion is you think over 60 is still young
60 is not elderly anymore.
Okay I respect that, I suppose as a thirty year old sixty seems relatively elderly, maybe when I am forty or fifty sixty will seem young
It’s not young, it was considered elderly 30 or 40 years ago but it wouldn’t be considered that now. I’m only 5 years older than you anyway.
Have you figured out that you need to learn how to drive?
It's been mentioned once or twice 😆 trying to book my theory test as we speak
A nice quite life, sounds good to me
Rural Ireland is lovely, if I have my own place to live and a car and dog/cat, it would be an ideallic place to live.
Grew up in western Ireland, didn’t appreciate it as a kid obv would love that life now, even the ppl are different, Ireland is a solid 10/10 for a quite life
I mean this in a nice way but learn to drive. If it's a bit of a barrier Learn in an automatic. Most cars will be automatics anyway so that old stigma died a decade ago
Learn to drive, as soon as you can!
Driving opens a lot of doors
Do you have a bike and some motivation?
have you considered a porn addiction.... wait, no I mean religion and god... fuck not again 🤦♂️
But seriously, learn to drive. Public transport, even within bigger towns and cities(bar Dublin), is utterly shite. Knowing how to drive is a game changer.
Leave the country
Get a Meta Quest VR headset, loads of social stuff on it like VRChat and viewing concerts in a social setting etc
I actually own one and never use it, so this is something I could even try today ! 🙏
If you're a Coldplay fan the live concert in 3D (you need to take a virtual seat to activate 3D) is well worth checking out
Get a drivers license, like any adult in this situation should do.