I need to vent for a minute, because this situation has gone completely off the rails.
My dad (86) is currently hospitalized with heart failure. My stepmom, who has MS, is in rehab rebuilding her legs after sepsis and an ICU stay. For context: my dad was her primary caregiver, which was already unsafe and unrealistic. He literally collapsed while running her ridiculous errands and ended up in the ICU himself.
Despite all of this, they are living in a complete fantasy that they’ll both just return home and pick up life exactly where it left off, as if nothing has fundamentally changed. So they’re continuing to manage everything as if they’re still living independently, except now all the work is pushed onto us.
They refuse to forward their mail, so my aunt has to pick it up daily, and then my brother drives 35 minutes each way to deliver it to them. Every day, it's a full box of ads and junk mail. Maybe 1 in 20 items is a bill or something needed. Stepmom opens it all and reads it like her life depands in it. My dad will only drink Wegmans orange juice and demands Perry’s brand orange sherbet. My stepmom keeps ordering nonsense on Amazon and then has my brother return it for her. She wants us to do her laundry even though she’s in a rehab facility where she can literally do it herself.
Meanwhile, I’ve spent a small fortune on hospital parking, shopping, and running things back and forth. We all stepped up because we genuinely thought this was temporary. Now that it’s clearly not, they seem to think our kindness, our time, our money, and our lives being on hold is just the new normal.
They are very sick, yes, but they are also completely refusing to accept reality. They’re planning, shopping, demanding, and issuing errands as if life is still business as usual, while everyone around them absorbs the cost emotionally, physically, and financially.
At some point, compassion doesn’t mean unlimited compliance. We are not staff. We are not assistants. And propping up a fantasy that they can continue living exactly as before is exhausting, unsustainable, and honestly unfair to everyone else. They are oblivious to the stress they are putting on us. We've told them to forward their mail and have stopped bringing it. I showed them instacart. They are now indignantly besides themselves that we aren't supporting the entitlement. Literally no awareness that we aren't here for their beck and call. We have our own jobs, families, pets, etc. No comprehension that we aren't limitless servants.
I am a hospital discharge planner and I can tell you this is the status quo with the elderly. I see this every day at work; they think they’re fine and want to keep going. If you tell them they aren’t managing well, they throw a huge fit and do what they want anyway at the expense of everyone else. It is not just a burden on their family and friends, it’s a strain on our medical system and our society.
As a nurse, I concur.
One of my coworkers mom had surgery on her eyes. My coworker had her staying at her house so she could recover. Her mom decided that she needed something from the store while my coworker was at work and just decided to drive. After eye surgery!! She could only see partially out of one eye! She also took their preschool aged daughter with her.
She crashed into a tree so hard she had have the jaws of life remove her. Life flighted to the level 1 trauma center in the next state over.
Ended up in rehab after having 3 surgeries to reconstruct her leg.
Still sees nothing wrong with her driving even after she almost killed herself and her granddaughter.
You can't reason with unreasonable people. 🤷♀️
My mother is 89, incontinent, just barely ambulatory with a walker, forgets what she was going to say walking from one room to the next and has not driven in 4 years, but she insisted to me that she could have driven me home from the Dr's office because I was not feeling well. She has absolutely no concept of her own impairment.
That's horrible, I'm 63 and I've handed the keys to my hubby when I don't feel well because I'm not going to endanger us or others.
First time I did that I was under 25. Gangpressed a fellow student to drive me home and walked back to restaurant we had been at) the next day.
Headache? Tired? Light fever? No car for me. If necessary, I’ll park and sleep it off.
I was perfectly capable of driving, and we were 8 miles from home. It was HER Dr. appointment, not mine. I just had a cold. She thought she was being kind, but I was just gobsmacked at how far from reality her idea of her own capabilities was.
How old is hubby?
63, we grew up together lol.
I’m suddenly grateful for the singular decent spot my own mother (over 80) apparently has. Despite everything else she has decidedly not reasonable, she gave up her driving on her own. Small blessings, I suppose. 😑
I would never speak to my mother again if she endangered my child like that. Never.
As a state case manager, all of the above. Older people hate to admit they’re failing due to age and circumstances. They don’t want to ask for or accept help. They’ll lie on a couch or sit in a recliner for days and be unable to get to the bathroom, but won’t tell anyone. They tell social workers and their families that they don’t want strangers in their homes, but are unable to say why. They want their kids to help them, even if the children are hundreds or thousands of miles away, and have families and jobs. It’s a very common disconnect.
Yet there’s little that can be done because they’re usually cognitively intact enough to make decisions. Even if they’re not, they’ll fight tooth and nail to have someone help with or take over their affairs. It’s a never-ending battle.
You're preaching to the choir. My friend was visiting her father and he happened to be barefoot. She thought he had on dark socks. His foot was infected and swollen from poor circulation. He insisted he was fine, she took him to his doctor who had him admitted and 3 toes had to be amputated.. He raged at her for interfering. He could have lost a limb. The disconnect is real.
No, he could've died.
Oof, you're telling my story. I couldn't believe it when a discharge worker told my husband and me that his father was being released to us after another hospital stay. We said it wasn't safe, we said it wasn't manageable, but "he still has his mental faculties," so he got to make the choice. Begged my husband to pick him up and lasted less than 2 weeks at home before he was back in the hospital. All because he wanted his cigarettes and fox news back.
You just described my mother
I see you’ve met my mother.
Can confirm. I work with my local Aging Services office. Sometimes the conditions older people are living in are unbelievable - the kind of thing that Child Services would remove kids from for health and safety - but because they are adults of sound mind, there's nothing anyone can do. We ask people all the time who will care for them when they can no longer care for themselves, and there's almost never a realistic answer. It's a lot of assuming their adult daughter will abandon her children and move across the country, or that they will simply never need help (when often they already do). This problem is only getting worse and bigger as more boomers become octogenarians and older.
I hope she was never allowed to drive again
Me neither. She would have died that day for me.
We had to physically remove the cars from our parents. Just taking away the keys was not enough because my dad called the dealership and had new keys made.
When my great grandma insisted on still driving when she definitely should not have been, her sons took her car battery out. She knew nothing about cars, so she would call them when it wouldn't start and they would say "oh we can't get it started either. Let's just take you to the store"
It worked well until she finally agreed to go to a nursing home.
I've heard of people doing something similar with elderly relatives who have dementia. Take the starter relay out, relative goes to drive, car won't start, kids say "oh, damn, we'll call a repair place tomorrow. In the meantime, I can drive you." Rinse and repeat as necessary. Supposedly it helps them maintain the illusion of independence without endangering themselves or others.
I was so happy when my dad decided he didn’t need to drive anymore! The last time he did he drove into the house.
Omg. Was the child injured?
Scratches and dings and bruises and psychological effects but otherwise unharmed. Thank goodness she buckled her in!
My coworker was (and still is) livid. I've never seen someone yell so loudly at their mother before.
Thats so crazy of a story! I often see very extremely elderly people out driving here and there and was almost dumbfounded at their state and out driving. I saw one straight drive up onto a sidewalk in the metroparks, not even five minutes earlier there was a mom and her two kids with a stroller right there.
I drove up to visit family the other day. Anyways, I had pulled into a parking lot of a CVS to turn around as I had taken a wrong turn. I'm pulling out of CVS and this old lady almost collided straight on with me! I was just waiting to turn. She was turning into the CVS on my side of the driveway! She came within seconds of hitting me. Luckily she caught it at the last second but damn. And there was a younger woman in the passenger's side. The old lady just waved and kept going.
Oh yeah, its a very common occurrence where I live too. I go to a grocery store down the street and Im always watching what everyone is doing around me for that reason alone. Luckily i haven’t had any crashes with an elderly person but I have definitely witnessed some definite signs of someone that shouldnt be out frolicking. I was stuck behind this car going like 21 mph and im like brah what is this dong doing? Get to the light and the car turned, i could see this tiny tiny (couldn’t even see her head over the seat) woman really really old like nursing home state in the car im like umm lol yeah that’s not safe
My ex's family took her grandfather to the doctor to have an evaluation done as to whether he should keep his license (iirc, the man is basically blind and had crashed into something).
He told the doctor that he was going to end his life if his license was taken away because his independence would go too. So, lo and behold, he got to keep his license... And like, I get it, because they live in a suuuper car dependent area with poor transit and walkability so if you want to have good mobility you basically need to be driving. But still... yikes. This dude seemed to have no concept of the fact that he could kill someone else if he kept driving.
I was waiting at the DMV once and there was a very elderly woman doing her eye test to renew her license. The oh-so-helpful employee gave her MULTIPLE tries to "read" it correctly. "Oh, well, that's not quite right, Myrtle. Can you try again?"
The elderly lady ended up getting her license approved.
I assume the DMV lady didn't want to deal with a Boomer tantrum when she's already overworked and underpaid, but goddamn.
Time to involve the police.
My grandfather got his license renewed and he was almost blind in one eye and 90-something. It drove me insane that his EYE doctor gave them permission to renew his license.
If I were the daughter's parent, that's the last time they'd see their grandma. I'd be livid.
I have to tell my dad directly (and usually the hospital staff as well) during his many hospitalisations that he is NOT allowed to say anything like "I'll be fine, send me home early, my daughter will look after me" because I CAN'T. I was happy to help him out within reason (still am!) but I can't be his full time carer, it's just not possible. He just doesn't see any reason why I shouldn't be fully available whenever he snaps his fingers. Every hospital social worker I've mentioned this to has totally understood. I'm guessing it's pretty common among the elderly to feel very entitled to their family member's time, with no limits.
My dad told the hospital he didn't need any home care because he had four daughters. Yes you have dad. One lives abroad and the other three all work full time.
Why tf do they automatically think their daughters will do this? My FIL truly thought I'd clean his trailer ( 5th wheel he was living in) when we visited. I told him his mess to clean. I did straighten out his finances and put him on a budget lol. I have sons, both have said they want us to stay with them if we can't manage by ourselves but I'd not ever do that to them. I'd also not want to be here if I can't take care of myself, hiring help us one thing being unable to care for myself is nope.
My mom has told me it’s children’s duty to take care of their parents just like she took care of hers. Oddly enough, when it came time to take care of my paternal grandma, she didn’t feel the same way.
My Mom said the same thing to me. She said I owed her. I had a full time job, children at home and a husband; she expected me to quit my job, leave my spouse and children with no questions asked to provide full time home care for her. She made no such request of my brother. I asked her if she would pay my child’s tuition and she laughed at me. I loved her but sometimes it was really hard
My mom is a total narcissist with an attitude of the world owing her everything. She was a terrible mother and a terrible friend to others. She consistently tries to manipulate anyone who comes into her orbit and suck them dry for whatever she can get. I went full no contact a year or so ago. She put me through hell all my life and I had to figure out how to survive and build a life at an early age on my own. I tried to forgive her and move on in my adult years but she just kept on causing chaos and using me. She pulled some shady stuff with my 17 year old nephew and that was the last straw. I finally cut her off. When she gets to her elderly years, she's 62 now, she will have no one. She's burnt every bridge with everyone and doesn't acknowledge her role in anything. She sees nothing wrong with her behavior. I'm sure someday I'll get a call from the State or something. I moved a thousand miles away. I'll say I don't know her.
It's funny but I'm happy to go help out my MIL because I saw her take great care of her parents plus she provided free day care to us which saved us a lot of money and stress.
My mom never said that, she was the type that didn't rely on anyone.
I was told when I was a preteen that I would have my mother's medical power of attorney when she got older. When she got really sick with lung cancer(life long smoker) about 3 years ago, all care decisions fell to me. My father thought I was going to move back in, sleep on the couch and handle all my mother's care. He couldn't be inconvenienced to help her to the bathroom or clean up. My brother, who lived a quarter mile down the road couldn't even handle staying one night with my mother. When my mother went into the hospital, my father was the one whining that he couldn't handle her being at home without help. After the doctors found out that her cancer had metastasized she was sent to a hospice facility. My father didn't want her left alone but HE wouldn't stay with her. My brother insisted he couldn't stay anymore after one night because he needed to go home and see his pets. I, the one married with a child at home and being a heart patient myself with health issues, was expected to stay with my mother 24/7. The hospice nurses tried their best to set my father & brother straight on why it shouldn't all be on me to stay with my mother.
I'm so sorry you had to go thru that. Lost my mom to lung cancer as well but everyone helped out as much as they could.
You know why...
Oh lordy, my father was the same. My mom was on hospice dying from metastatic breast cancer and my father had begun suffering from frontal lobe dementia. He truly believed that my sister and I were going to move back in and take care of him the way my mom did. At one point he said how nice it was to have the family back together again in the same house 🤯
I remember when my Nana was dying. My Mom and uncle were literally stealing the pain meds, smoking cigarettes and watching TV on full blast while she was laying in bed dying. They bled my poor Nana for everything. She died penniless. They couldn't even give her the respect of a quiet, smoke free death. The day after she passed a delivery of liquid morphine came to the house and they fought over that. Disgusting people.
I work in a hospital as a healthcare aide. My brother lives 20 minutes down the road in the next town over. My mom and sister just spent 4 days in the hospital due to Influenza A. I get to sit my brother down and explain to him that he can’t “just free bird” our mother and expect her to drive safely home by herself. Someone has to ride or drive her from now on. Both my brother and mom are in denial.
Inpatient provider and daughter here. It IS common. And if there are no biological daughters, many patients look to the daughters in law to provide the care. I traveled this road with my own parents. I advocate constantly for overwhelmed women family members who are being guilted into providing complete care for the elderly in-home. For most, it is not feasible. In-home care for the elderly looks completely different now compared to a generation ago. Our elderly are dealing with chronic issues that would have killed them in past generations, and many households require multiple paychecks to stay afloat. I tell people that caring for meemaw or pappaw at home requires a TEAM of caregivers, working 24/7 in some cases. It's sad, really, what the landscape looks like for the elderly and caregivers alike. Bottom line: it's OK for a potential /actual caregiver to say "I cannot do it." I couldn't do it, and I've been in health care for over 40 years. I would have had to quit my job, and that's a HUGE ask. I've been paying into long term care insurance since my late 40's; I always saw it as MY responsibility to plan for my care after I can no longer care for myself. Not everyone can afford that, though. I am lucky. Edited for typo.
I see you've met my dad. He fully expected I would drop my entire life in another state and move home to wipe his ass, watch even shittier Fox News and kowtow to his every whim. This was AFTER being dropped by every home health aide company in a 50 mile radius because of his constant racism and threats to sue.
My father-in-law is currently on week seven in rehab. He’s 85 has a list of health problems. He’s not doing well. When he’s lucid, he thinks he’s going home and everything will be normal. My 82-year-old mother-in-law thinks the same. He’s going to come home and she’s gonna be his caretaker. Now she is very healthy. She’s still very independent can do her own shopping errands, etc. But that is completely different from taking care of an 85-year-old man who cannot do anything for himself. It took four of her children to sit her down and convince her that if and when my father-in-law gets out of the hospital, she is not going to be able to take care of him. Even with the help of her children and grandchildren (all grandchildren are in their 20s and 30s) it’s still going to be too much work. Giving up your independence is a very hard thing to do when you’ve had it for so long.
My mom was in a rehab facility after a hospital stay for covid. They refused to release her to anything but full time care. She wanted to go to her home, but lived alone and had no money for in home care.
Her sister kept insisting that she should go home and couldn't answer who was going to pay for her care (I lost my job while waiting for my employer to approve my fmla.)
My best friends father in law is in his mid 80s and moved in with them 4 years ago, he promised to sell his house and give them the profits which would be $600kish.
He has been dragging his knuckles for 4 years, the stories my buddy gets to me about this man sound like something out of a Saturday morning comic book. He got super angry because my buddy threw out a platic bucket full of 50 or so door knobs that were useless
I told him I’d personally just wait until he dies to sell everything
As a nurse I concur.
This! We had a family member who refused to give us grocery lists, would call us for one emergency item every day. No possible way that we could not bring it ie: need milk, out of cat food, need medicine, need bread. Etc. We caught on pretty quick that he was just lonely and wanted visits and just to get his own way. If you tried to ask for items in bulk ot for him to better manage (don't leave it until the last day you need medication) he would lose his mind. It's so childish. To make it vaguely worse, he was a physician in his working years, and so lord help you if it's medical and he needed something. It's hard.
Long term care administrator. Amen.
You can get the hospital to help with the “come to Jesus” talk about how they can’t live independently anymore, they have staff who deal with assessments and referrals etc
Good social workers are worth their weight in gold, and should be available at the hospital and/or rehab.
Part of the problem is where can they go. My parents couldn't go home, couldn't come to my house or my siblings' homes and they fucked up their finances so much, a nursing home wasn't a possibility. My parents paid for everything in cash so their medicare/Medicare look back process was impossible.
I really hope my spouse and I can get our act together so we don't leave my children in such a mess. I really want to downsize to a manageable home that we can grow old in.
I also really hope I die in my sleep and don't have a long drawn out death like my parents had. They spent 7-10 years at death's door and it was brutal on everyone involved. I know a lot of people who's parents died suddenly and they were devastated. They can't understand my desire to go that way.
Fast death. Only way to go.
Sorry you are dealing with this situation. My folks did basically the same thing - my dad especially after mom was gone. It was actually a relief when he passed. He really fought hard to go back home - we told him we wouldn’t help him - he would have to get a service to take him, finally that shut him up. He was very angry about not being at home and kept us running for his special items. Yes it’s hard but I think as long as they are safe you have to apply “tough love” set boundaries on what you will do and then be firm. You need to live your life. Good luck.
While i understand all the frustration around things like this, i also empathize with folks who are approaching end of life.
Some navigate that more gracefully than others, but very few tread that path voluntarily. It’s a shit sandwich no matter what.
Sounds like there could be some mental health needs there with both of them; or some direct conversations that don't appear from your post have been had or they were and are not hitting (thus the mental health needs comment even more so).
Its a conversation that you "kids" need to have and put the foot down; and bring in professionals if you have to. It could be stubbornness, it also.l could be mental decline where they literally can't comprehend the needed adjustment.
Also, mental health problems can coexist with dementia. Idk how old the stepmom is, but a good percentage of 85 year old men have some type of dementia. They should both be screened if that hasn’t already been done.
Additionally, there should be a social worker or team dedicated to helping them understand the reality of the situation. This can take a lot of the burden off of you.
We were more than direct with my parents and it did not help. Eventually I was granted guardianship and that helped a little.
Love yourself enough to go online and forward her mail. It's not like she's going to get off her ass and do it herself. Close that Amazon account, Tell her you don't know what happened and you will get around to opening another one when you get to it. (Never) Swap out Dad's orange juice and stash the packaging. See how long it takes him to notice and then tell him. And, oh, gee, your washer just broke and there's no money for a new one with all the expenses. 😉
The USPS won’t forward personal mail to an institution like a hospital or rehab. Senior living facilities, where they have a fixed apartment number, yes. Forwarding is considered a (permanent or temporary) change of address. If it helps you some, can get it forwarded to your address, “care of” (your name) as the top line of the address. Junk mail (anything that says “presorted standard” or “marketing mail” is unforwardable unless it has an endorsement indicating the sender paid extra for forwarding.
She would send it to herself. Why make it so complicated? 😄😄
Agree with this! God helps those who help themselves!
This is the way. At minimum, forwarding to OPS home saves a lot of running. And talk to the post office, to see what you can do to minimize the junk mail. If the items are specifically addressed to your parents, you can call and have them dropped from the mailing list if it's just "buy our stuff" fliers.
For Amazon, get her on a shared account, and see if there's a way to monitor her orders, and possibly cancel things that aren't appropriate.
If there's a way to get them on your phone plan, so you can use parental controls, that may help too.
No is a complete sentence.
I watched my great grandfather literally work himself to death trying to be caregiver for his wife, who wasn't all that tightly wound before she slipped into alzheimers. She was moved to live with my grandmother, who was also caregiver for her husband, who had serious mobility issues.
My sister had to basically bully my parents into getting some plans in place, and they didn't quite have that sorted before dad passed.
My in-laws wound up moving their failure to launch daugher back in for support. She did help, but there were a lot of near misses, because momma had some cognitive issues, and she'd do some crazy dangerous stuff the moment someone wasn't watching.
Watching all of that, I really want to have enough sense to not be that stubborn when it comes to stepping back from stuff that it's no longer safe for me to do.
Damn, someone's gotta be the first one to have the harsh talking to with these folks because catering to them only allows them to continue deluding themselves; this is NOT business as usual, not even a little bit. Truthfully, seems like they're both standing at death's door and dont want to face reality. That said, can you blame them?
On a lighter note, they still sell Perry's ice cream in western NY? I moved away at 26 and have only been back for visits since, seemed like Byrne Dairy had taken over. No offense intended, but i understand your dad's obsession with their ice cream just a little bit. In fact, i hope i get to have it one more time before i die.
Not OP, but yes, Perry's is still sold here in WNY. Especially at Wegmans, since that is where the required OJ is from. Perry's is usually the ice cream of choice at local ice cream stands also. Hope you can come back soon to get some!
Thank you!!🙌🏼🫶🏼
You and your siblings need to learn what boundaries are and enforce them.
It's impossible. If I don't bring OJ, he complains about it. Its the whole visit. If we don't get the mail, we are causing the stress that is making them sick. I wound up catching covid from the hospital visits and so I'm staying away and they call me every day, not to see how I feel, but to see when I can hop back on the personal assistant chore wheel.
It's not impossible, you just don't understand how boundaries work. Boundaries aren't there to change other people's behavior, boundaries are what you will or won't allow to happen and how you will react when your boundaries are pushed. So it's hey I'm not going to be able to bring you that brand of oj anymore, I'm happy to show you how to order it but if you continue to complain about it I'm just going to leave and we can try again next visit.
You don’t have to light yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
Is a gun being held to your head? The word no is an option. They can fuss all they want, there's nothing they can do about it.
Please read this
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/fuX293nXgS
Seriously stop enabling this behavior. You need to speak to the Hospitals/Care Ombudsman.
it IS possible. You ignore the complaints. Don’t visit every day. You screen calls and don’t accept them all. Your health is being destroyed. And you know what? They are still old, they will still die eventually because we all will and it will not be your fault
It will be difficult, not impossible. There will be emotional abuse from the parents. Maybe some backlash from siblings if one of them is suddenly “assigned your tasks”. The long term freedom and room for you to breath are worth it. Perhaps tell your siblings your plan. Share a ’therapeutic’ lie to tell the folks, your recovery from COVID is long & slow, no telling when you might fully recover. Discuss with your siblings how they can care for the parents while reclaiming their own independence.
Normal has changed, as it does. Each parent is where they need to be right now. You have the most pressing health concern with COVID. You and you siblings have lives and responsibilities that cannot be on indefinite hold. Telephone or Zoom calls replace some of the visits. Appoint a family contact person, he/she gets a daily update from the hospital (social worker, nurse of the day, etc. The facility will tell you who and how to contact that person.) and shares it with the rest of you. When I’ve been the contact, I called immediate family and posted updates to a CaringBridge site for everyone else. I included when visits were welcome and when that would be taxing.
Work with the staff. Ask for options, discuss your need to reclaim your life by resigning as errand runner. You can be a caring daughter/son/child or a servant, not both. That’s my bit of hard won wisdom. I could be a sister or a caregiver but not both. The resentment was eroding the love for my little sister. Our relationship improved once I chose my lane.
So stop enabling their delusion?
How? They don't respond to words or explanations. If we leave the mail, it stresses them out and they blame us for their health crisis. If we walk away, we are abandoning them in their time of need. Exactly how. Please tell me.
You think you are abandoning them because they conditioned you to owe your life to them. You in fact do not owe them anything. You and your siblings all need better boundaries. There's an enmeshment/codependency issue going on that all of you and your siblings think that you have to be servants to your parents. Cut the cord.
It sounds impossible but you have to get off the guilt train.
Its what they're using to manipulate all of you. The thing is enabling the behavior isn't actually doing them any favors. It allows them to think they're just fine and its not their fault if there's a breakdown in their world.
For us, it took the hospital and the wonderful follow on care staff to help the family out with actual, realistic post hospital planning.
Let the staff assist with care planning and with options that don't involve all of you every day.
You'll be run ragged and still won't make them happy. Plus enabling them will lead to something like a fall or another ICU trip as it won't stop. Insisting they take ownership of a support plan gives them a better sense of control plus sets boundaries that they must take on decisions and figuring out how to live post hospital.
No is a complete sentence. You are allowed to say no.
Plus, not being as accessible to them will push them to realize they must accept their new reality. You all fetching junk mail is keeping them in fantasy land.
Tell them the mailbox was empty today. Start holding back some mail and get it every third day, putting in a new larger mailbox would be cheaper than picking it up every day, but still give them mail every day from the stockpile you have made.
Keep the empty OJ containers and refill them from whatever OJ is easier and cheaper, get a gallon of great value to refill. If he complains about it tasting different tell him it must of been from a batch of sub par oranges. At that age their taste isn't the best so it's probably just a routine that has to be that brand because it's what they always did.
Treat them just like spoiled toddlers.
This is probably even more difficult on the kids than what they’re doing now, to be honest.
Now YOU’RE the one in denial.
See my response which posted a millisecond before your comment posted. I tried to explain.
how?
Saving and refilling juice containers, lying about how much mail they got and keeping track of the narrative, selecting which mail they’re bringing on any given day … that’s more mentally taxing than just doing what they’re actually doing.
You need to set them up with a grief counselor, they may call it something else when it's your own end of life therapy but it is essentially that. They are afraid and don't know how to deal with it. That's normal but it doesn't excuse their behavior, they don't get to treat you and your siblings like this.
Also remember that you aren't the cause of their health issues, you just aren't. If they are so stressed out that their physical health is suffering then they need to talk to a therapist and possibly start medication.
Stop talking to them. Don’t answer the phone. Block them for a while. I assume you are an adult - there’s no gun to your head. Just stop the merry go round. And before you ask, yes I had to do this with both my 87 & 89 year old parents so that they would finally understand they needed to make real lifestyle changes.
No need to ghost people you love but when they ask for something that’s inconvenient or out of line, just be honest and say “no, I can’t do that for you, I have too much to do.”
Tried it. Got called to hospital for worsening condition, palliative care meetings, and got blamed for "lack of support" and for declining health by social worker. There is no bystander role here. It's either get abused or get called in for neglect.
I had a similar experience when my mom was in hospice. Staff guilted me about not being around as much as my mom wanted (24/7). Tried to get me to take FMLA so I could sit in her room with her 24 hours a day.
Dad went to same hospice and the staff told me daily what a good daughter I was to spend so much time with my dad (same amount I spent with my mom btw).
It finally dawned on me, my mom was being a pain and they wanted me as a buffer. My dad was the ideal patient so they just saw me as the devoted daughter who visited every day.
Might be worth a frank conversation with the social worker and the facility director to agree that your parents are running everyone ragged and it’s time for consistent and mutually agreed upon boundaries between the facility and the family, they’ve had to have dealt with people who have no family.
When I was a caretaker the hospital staff loved me because I changed the adult diapers, ran errands daily, made sure they ate and I slept in their room overnight during bad spells. I was doing their work and they knew it. In return, I lost wages, got burned out, physically and emotionlly and vowed never to do it again.
This. Never again
Social worker here and that social worker was completely out of line. It is their job to assist in finding alternatives (community attendant, etc) and it sounds like they're taking the easy way out and forcing it onto family. I've unfortunately come across a few of them myself.
I had the same exact thing when my mom was sick. She was in the hospital in the city and I lived 30 minutes without traffic to get to the hospital.
As she downgraded more the social worker put my phone number on the white board because she couldn’t remember it. I took an hour nap, woke up to 72 missed calls and voicemails from her.
I had to call them to take it down. Which I then got called into a meeting with the social worker and her doctors. Where I was berated because I wasn’t available 24/7 for her. That my not being there was making her worse. It was awful.
I’m so sorry you had to experience that as well.
Yikes, I would have asked for their personal cell numbers , you know, in case my 24/7 care responsibilities required immediate assistance.
None of that is your problem. Don't take criticism from idiots.
Then ignore the social worker. You're not a caregiver for other adults
Stop listening to people who have only their own best interests at heart. You need to learn to let the guilt go. Let their criticism wash right over you and stop believing them. You are not responsible for their "worsening health." That's BS and you know it.
I just came to say… I get this. And this is all valid. No advice, only digital hugs!
It isn't about the mail or the orange juice brand, but about them struggling to come to terms with being less able and having less control over their lives.
You doing these things will never be enough to make them happy, they'll always have more and more unmet desires.
They need an honest discussion with a nurse or social worker about their increased care needs and how they need more than family can provide.
These conversations have happened several times. You can't force people into assisted living.
Yes, but at the same time they can't force you to run errands for them (especially to the extent you have been doing).
And you can't FORCE people to deliver mail and buy specialty juice and other BS. You are doing it willingly. So just stop.
You just have to do it. They're going to throw their tantrums, you can't control that. All you can control is how you respond. You need to set new boundaries that are sustainable for YOU - IE "We will bring the mail once a week on Sundays" or "we can visit on x and y days at z time, we'll be happy to see you then!"
If they call to have a nice chat, fine. But if they call to throw a tantrum or make demands, tell them beforehand that you'll be hanging up the phone.
It will be HARD. They will freak out. But this life is not sustainable for any of you.
I did this for 2 years for my parents. Went from their home, to a rehab to visit one and another rehab to visit the other every day. The day I was told I wasn't doing enough by my siblings (who did nothing) was the day I walked away. I still struggle with ptsd from that time. I don't have advice but you have to create boundaries. They aren't in control anymore (which is part of the problem), you have to find a way to say no.
My sibling proudly declared that our parent would die in their house. I agreed with that, as that was the parent’s wish. Care to guess who did maybe 5% of the in home care duties and didn’t feel the need to visit when the final days were obvious?
My parents were the same-for the past two years since we moved them back to our state and I feel your pain. The just plain RIGIDITY and refusal to compromise or not make any task 10 times as difficult and time consuming as it needs to be. My mom has since passed and my dad has declined to the point he sleeps most of the day, so it's a different kind of needs now that isn't so frustrating because at least it's not pure selfishness/lack of consideration. They had a thoroughly spoiled lap dog they refused to leave alone for even a minute, literally. Any errand that required both of them the dog must go. So, for example, when my sister took them to get their state ID cards, couldn't just leave the dog at home or even in the car, not even in a crate. She had to take my dad into the DMV while my mom sat in the car with the dog, wait in line, get all his stuff done, then go back out to the car, dad takes the dog, and she takes mom back in to get HER card, of course having to start all over at the bottom of the line again. That's just one example and it was stuff like that constantly.
The home had a la carte services like dog walking, someone to help you shower, make sure you didn't fall, etc. They fired these workers within two days and expected, guess who? Me and my sister to come over daily to do these tasks.
I could go on and on-the senior living apartment we got for them had a stove with burners and my mom threw a fucking FIT and insisted on having us buy her her own glass top stove because "she didn't know how to cook on burners and wouldn't be able to learn." I was born in 1975. Glass stove tops were not invented till the late 80s/early 90s or at least we didn't have one till then. She cooked on burners every day until I was a teenager, and for that matter she was no longer doing anything that could even be considered cooking; they ate in the dining room. At most, she boiled water for oatmeal or something like that.
The number of times I swore I was going to change my Dad's Amazon password and tell him they suspended his account because of all the returns if he made me take one more thing back...
Tl;dr - You are far from alone, and I feel your pain.
Yes! You’ve nailed it. That’s exactly what’s happening. They’re so locked into their habits and routines that even the smallest change feels like a criminal offense. Teenagers get angry as part of learning to separate and leave; sometimes it feels like older people do the same, so letting go is easier when the time comes.
STOP enabling them.
Just stop doing everything for them on THEIR schedule and start doing it on YOUR schedule. PERIOD.
Are you me?
Seriously, my 87yo mother is entitled AF. And she’s under the same delusions your dad and stepmom see to be - that’s he can just go back home (she’s also in a rehab facility after a fall) and my niece will just continue to be her live-in slave. It’s infuriating and exhausting.
I don't understand the utter obsession with seniors wanting to stay in someone else's house and bugging them in a sense....(most people don't exactly love having house guests after a while ....maybe if they live in a huge house and can escape somewhere -but the average person probably doesn't have a mansion) ....Vs . the rehab center. The rehab center does everything for you and they have activities and staff 24/7. You don't have to lift a finger.....as I am drowning in chores and taking care of 2 kids..3 if you count my husband...sounds like a dream to me. What else do they want?? I guess it boils down to entitlement.
In my mother’s case, it boils down to control. My sister and niece live with her in her house. My niece takes care of both of them since my sister is disabled as well. My mother knows she can’t get staff at a rehab or hospital or nursing home to step and fetch for her every few minutes like she can my niece.
I suppose that changes it since it's your mother's house, not theirs. (Seems like 9 out of 10 times they are trying to move into someone else's home).
Someone, perhaps a nurse, needs to sit down with them and tell them their situation. “You will not be returning home. You are actively dying.” Social services or APS can hook you up with an end of life nurse who can have these hard conversations and help get their affairs in order (like forwarding mail).
There are hospice specialists who have these conversations daily. I think my dad would've taken my mom home after a bad UTI if my aunt hadn't gotten him to meet with a hospice company.
Sounds like you guys need to sit down and have a direct conversation about what support you can and cannot offer. No one else can do this for you. I would also ask the nurses and doctor to document what supports you will or won't be offering in the future so they are aware when it comes to discharge planning. If they ignore it, then you need to show them with your actions or rather inactions. Let the mail build up for a while, let him drink the hospital brand OJ or go without. Doesn't sound like you guys doing less would cause them any serious harm. They will either continue to live with the consequences or change to avoid them. Some people won't change until forced to.
I would ask them to arrange a multidisciplinary family meeting to discuss next steps. Having all branches of their care team there plus family to say "OK, so we need a plan. You have x capacity. You want Y outcome. These don't match up with your current progress. What do we do if you don't reach Y? Nursing home? Hospice? Private in home care? This is how much each of these cost, can you afford that?" And in that meeting, you and your other family need to be firm what supports you can sustainably offer each of them. Sometimes having everyone lay everything out in front of them can be helpful, they can't triangulate "well physio said I would be able to walk again" when physio is there and can say "no I said you could do xyz."
You guys are allowing them to be this way. You are all enabling the behavior.
It's either go along or abandon them. Or become the reason they get sicker (in their minds). To be involved is to enable. There is no bystander role here.
Just because they try to blame you, doesn’t mean that you have to accept blame. I know that they don’t want to forward the mail, but can’t you have a hold put on it anyway? Then your aunt can pick it up once a week.
I’m fortunate that my mother is still the same sweet person that she was before she had dementia, but I’ve had to tell her some unfortunate truths and help her accept them - one of them being that I simply cannot be a 24/7 caregiver the way that my stepdad was and memory care was the safest solution for her. It doesn’t sound like your parents are reasonable and the social worker sounds like a real piece of work - their job is to find a safe way for your parents to function on discharge, not guilt you for not being a daily mail delivery and orange juice service.
You are buying into your parent’s black and white thinking. Please talk to the hospital staff or eldercare for alternatives that are healthier for ALL of you
You being away due to COVID is inconvenient to them and not viewed as abandonment, right? Have a sibling privately ask the social worker or a staff member for suggestions on weaning your parents from this unreasonable enabling behavior.
OP check out r/agingparents - a supportive community for those dealing with exactly the challenges you are facing.
Thank you!
Maybe it’s time to get the hospital social worker involved or even speak with your dads and step moms nurses. They may need psych or some other trained person to have the tough conversations about where next steps are headed. I’m sorry but this is not sustainable and it sounds like multiple family members are becoming burnt out and they aren’t even home yet. They’re requiring full time care while they’re in a facility getting other full time care. It’s hard to let go and have such big life changes but ultimately they need to have a reality check.
As a passenger with my 89 y/o father. "Dad, you are riding the brake" "I'm not surprised, I can't feel anything with my feet" He has neuropathy. After he had fully given up driving (willingly) he admitted that he was only driving because his wife wanted him to take her to the hairdressers and to buy her junkfood (they already had a family member doing the food shopping)
My parents enabled their shared dysfunction; hiding things from outsiders. My mother tried to hide little strokes by not talking....they both hid falls from assisted living staff by helping each other get up after the fall. After my father was removed from assisted living (moved to nursing care) he thought he could go back to assisted living and simply eat his meals with a trashcan within reach....he has a swallowing order that causes choking and vomiting....he thought it would be ok to regularly vomit into a trashcan during meals in a public dining area; yuk.
You need to sign them up for informed delivery so you can see what they’re getting that day in the mail.
Do you have POA? You could probably do it yourself.
Yeah, cuz that's the only issue here /s
it’s a start
Since you've apparently drawn boundaries they can be as indignant as they want. Hold firm, they'll either get the message and figure it out or they'll do without. When they return home they'll need to hire help at least part time. If they refuse tell them it's that or assisted living.
Dealing with this with my mother now. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Don’t wait until your own mental and physical health begins to suffer!
After reading all these stories, I’m left with one question (for myself) as I age: were these entitled parents always like this? (Or did this entitlement appear as they aged?). (Yes, 2 questions. 😇)
I’d say yes…and no. Entitled people act this way but in my experience (just life plus working with cancer patients) it’s just how most of us get as we age. We spend decades caring for ourselves. It’s embarrassing and disheartening to be no longer able to act independently. So not wanting help is at times a good sign. It means the person wants to be independent.
Driving is a big one. People don’t want to feel like a burden to loved ones. In the US you have to drive to get just about anything done. Suddenly you can’t shop or visit others, enjoy a drive just to get out, or take yourself to see family or do other recreational activities. My dad had to disable grandma’s car and lie to her but as dementia was setting in that wan’t too tough. This is someone who was amongst the first women to drive at all at age 20 in 1920. Grandpa was razzed by other men for teaching a woman to drive and he shut them down by saying, “Sometimes I like to just sit back and enjoy the ride.”
And most of us don’t want to get old. 90 year olds on their death bed have even said, “But I’m not ready to go yet!” I’m 58 and still picture myself as in my 30s! Luckily the only change yet is I’ve had to accept I no longer should move heavy items alone, stand up on ladders, or do crap like climb up on the bed to dust the canopies. (I’ve had several falls over the last 3 years and 4 bone breaks in different instances, including one while moving a large chair down the basement stairs and I broke a vertebrae. 6 months ago. Though mostly the falls have not been “my fault.”) I’ve been trying to convince my husband that snow blowing and shoveling in one go is too much -with no result. Oh, and the next dog has to be small. We can’t handle another large, aging dog.
Having an outside caregiver, admitting that for the first time ever that you’ll never improve in health, being “trapped” at home and imposing on those around you is hard.
OMG My siblings and I went to the exact same thing! My mom is undergoing treatment for stage 4 colon cancer. My dad had been her caregiver and also had COPD. Of course her care and needs ended up putting him in the hospital, where after a short stay of 3 or 4 weeks in ICU and intubated he ended up passing away. My sister, who is closest, lives about 3 hours away from my parents in Palm springs. Once my dad went into the hospital my mom would call my sister to run out and bring her something or take her to an appointment, etc. We tried setting up Uber rides for her but she refused to take them or use the app. One time she felt faint and really needed an ambulance but instead of calling 911 she called my sister and asked her to drive out to take her to the hospital! My dad then passed in July. My brother, sister and I had to have a come to Jesus talk with my mom. She was unphazed about my sister losing her job. She simply said oh well she can get unemployment! She now lives with my sister. It's a horrible situation.. We feel your pain!
I live in a retirement area and it's full of empty homes where someone is going to come back really soon now. It's not even a Boomer thing. It's been that way since before they were the old olds.
This pisses me off for you just reading it.
Heart failure PCU/ICU nurse here, and I can tell you that your dad is pretty much my typical patient. Call it denial or dementia or entitlement, it doesn't matter because it's an exercise in futility trying to get them to change any behaviors. Yes, this is what the new normal will look like. Learn to love what time you have left with them.
No one likes admitting they can’t do what they used to, or that their life needs to change. At my age it’s one of my greatest fears, and yet I know it can happen. I’m sorry for your parents, but you all shouldn’t be suffering because of their refusal to accept reality.
Get professionals at the facility involved to convince them of the new reality. Stop performing any tasks that aren’t necessary (they order from Amazon, they keep it). They need to understand reality, and it’s not going to be easy. But enlist help: The “kids” will never convince them alone.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, and good luck.
So when are you going to stop rolling over?
Your dad is a member of the Silent Generation. Yes, there are people out there that are older than boomers.
Have a talk with their Doctor and have them talk to the both of them about unrealistic expectations.
Doesn’t that mean he’s Silent Generation?
No. <—— it’s a complete sentence.
My mother was in the same state of denial before she died. She was very unreasonable when I pushed back on ridiculous demands. I had to learn a very hard lesson.
No is not a dirty word.
Your dad is too old to be a boomer.
Spiritual boomer, technically Silent Generation.
Learn to say “no”.
Having gone through caring for my ailing parents (they are gone now), I can tell you the only way to manage someone being stubborn and unrealistic is to allow them to be on their own ... until they see. They are adults and can make their own decisions. You cannot force them.
I encourage you to allow them to go on their own. Sure, visit like a good child should, but soon enough they will ask for your help.
My sister and I were trying to ease our widowed mom into accepting the idea of an assisted living situation when she was still functional like over 10 years ago. She was almost there. The rest of the family, including grandkids, treated us like we were jerks and trying to put her away. They got her stuck on the idea that she would age in place and that we were evil. Aging in place is not going very well and now we’re being blamed for that too.
People don’t understand that aging in place requires even more hands on care than living at a facility to manage the ins and outs of cleaning, nurses, social workers, therapists, social contact, etc. A single (in my case) working person trying to make ends meet is not able to just stop going to work or take off on a whim to do the bidding of the family. This is a great way to get fired. Half of my family straight up hates me now because of this.
What I’ve learned is that you can’t win in these situations. No good deed goes unpunished. Try to get your parents into assisted living now and get their medical team onboard. I would try to work with a social worker to sort through this.
Grandkids need to stepup. They are the real jerks here, especially if they aren't helping out.
They’re very vocal about what we should be doing instead.
Well not only do grandkids not help out they don't even show up to visit or even call. Grandkids that received a lot of support from their grandparents don't even bother calling these days. It's very sad. Maybe they'll regret it later maybe not.
Personally, As a boomer …if I can’t take care of myself … it’s time to check out of this human body and let my spirit free …
My grandfather passed away in 2023 with lewey body dementia. Believe it or not, he had is facilities about him the whole time. However, he had zero executive function and it was affecting his ability to walk and care for himself. On one hand, he was still with me (not my first rodeo with dementia, unfortunately) but it was a nightmare to get him any kind of assistance or medical care.
About 3 weeks before he passed naturally, he could no longer care for himself, my place is a step nightmare, I had to take him to the er. The social worker came in while I was picking up my 7 yo from school, deemed him completely fine and tried to discharge him back home. I fought to keep him there, where he was safe for 6 days. Ten days later, the rehab ordered palliative care and he passed three days after that, on his own, but she took his word for it. Apparently I was trying to steal his money. Sweetheart, he’s on Medicare and Medicaid, the state looks at their financials back 7 years to make sure the family didn’t move it around. What fing money???
If I could make a suggestion: look into private duty nursing companies. If you can afford it, an aide can do laundry, cook, take the person to appointments, pick up mail and groceries or help order them and put them away. They can give showers and help with grooming and make sure meds get taken. A private duty nurse can come in and put meds into pill planners, cut toenails, and do a short health assessment every so often. It can take a lot off of your plate and make it so you can actually enjoy your time with your parents. The company I am familiar with just has aides come in for an hour or two at a time and, depending on your needs, they can visit multiple times a day down to once a week. You’ll save a lot in gas and it will help your sanity, too!
I understand your frustration, I can’t fathom how I will behave when I am faced with mortality. Take a deep breath, be compassionate. You are not in their shoes
Honestly, the mortality part hasn't kicked in, at all. In their minds, everything is fine and the doctors are over reacting.
Thank you for this perspective. It is annoying, no doubt, but it sounds like it is temporary. My parents thought they were "going home" no matter what their situation was, no matter how dire the circumstances, no matter the prognosis. We played along in order to give them hope, even if we were all fooling ourselves. It seemed like the least we could do, even though it was inconvenient at the time.
Playing along like you did is called therapeutic lying
Yes, they have to be allowed time to process it on their own. Telling them the reality of it hasn't helped at all.
If it makes you feel better, my parents went through something similar (although they are younger than your folks). I got them in assisted living, and they actually seem to like it, and are doing way better!
"Crazy is what crazy does" means a person's true nature or irrationality is revealed by their actions, not just their words or labels, suggesting that unusual or illogical behavior defines "craziness," often challenging norms and implying that "normal" is subjective or that unconventional people can be misunderstood. It's a saying that dismisses labeling and focuses on behavior, often used to normalize eccentric or non-conforming actions as part of life rather than pathology
My mother 86 refuses to ask for anything. She'll say things like oh I should have got a fork meaning could you grab me a fork. She's the most passive aggressive human being I've ever met. And the epitome of I know everything and everything I know is right. She wants to hear nothing from anyone else about anything to do with logic or how she might could approach life differently. Hard-headed would be an understatement
About the mail: You don't want it to be forwarded until they are in a more permanent place than a hospital or rehab center. It takes three months or so before it is halfway sorted out.
Also, it is risky if other patients or medical staff can get their bank account numbers or social security numbers from mail lying around.
If you go with in-home caregiver services, then you want to keep the mail in their home. If they move to a nursing care center, whoever is the person with legal paperwork that gives them permission to pay bills etc is the person who should receive their mail.
I actually got really good mail advice. A friend gave me a "Return to Sender" stamp for all of the junk mail. If the senders have to pay for the return, they remove your address from the lists and the list sellers stop selling it. It reduced all of my friends junk mail in about a month.
Dad: memory problems and can't drive any more, plus a few minor health problems. Mom: good health but her eyesight is getting worse. They've looked at a few retirement homes and home care places, but they "aren't there yet"......It's probably going to be soon, but they are just waiting until it gets worse, then they'll "do something."
Just from there point of view it's very scary to think about losing your Independence and life as you knew it. The anxiety of that is huge. Some people can't face it and they will self-medicate with alcohol which only makes things 10 times worse or shopping or just go completely into denial thinking that they will be fine. I've dealt with this myself and I have had to come around to realize that the person in my life that drives me crazy with her hard head has survived this long because of the hard head. If they are still somewhat safe and choose to live at home that is their choice. There's not much you can do about it honestly except for support it. Sounds like they need a caregiver to help them pick up the mail and do the grocery shopping and keep things somewhat in order. If they are low income they could do Medicaid and get a caregiver if they are high income they can just hire someone. Older people really love the mail and it's some kind of ritual for them to get the mail everyday. They think important things come in the mail even when they don't. So if it were me I would have a caregiver for a couple hours most days of the week to do these things. This is just my perspective after having lived this
So getting old was a surprise to them? Shortsighted AND stupid? That's a bad combo.
It was the orange juice that made me mad.
LOL it kind of made me mad too
Sorry for the misspellings speech to text and all
You have to find the word, “no.” So does your Aunt, brother, and everyone else.
Stop getting their mail. It will eventually pile up at the post office for a pickup.
Stop doing her laundry so she’ll have to use the machines there. It’s probably part of her occupational therapy, anyway. And if she can’t do it, then she won’t likely be going home.
Stop getting his fancy OJ and sherbet on demand, tell him they don’t have that on the menu, and bring it when it’s convenient and you want to give him a special treat. Also, can he have those things with his new meds….???
It sounds like they both need to be in assisted living, next. Start researching places (and see if they can afford the exorbitant fees.) Have that ready in your mind because that doesn’t happen gradually; it happens in a flash.
It’s rough, I know. We’ve been through it three times.
Watch The Father and do what Olivia Colman did before you lose your mind.
tl;dr for the movie: Anthony Hopkins plays old man with dementia who insists he is fine (he's not fine). He has to eventually go into a home, because she's realized he can't live in her flat (that he thinks is his) with a carer because he's too much an asshole to everyone.
86 years old is not a Baby Boomer
Your parents aren't boomers. Your parents, like mine, are silent generation. My parents friends don't like to face aging and not living in their home. That is giving up too much control for that generation.
Thankfully my 95 yo parents are still active - mow their own lawn, take care of their own home, go on cruises, take care of the pool, etc. Hopefully they stay that way. Right now they need no help.
86 years old is Silent Generation, not Boomer.
Your 86 year old dad is not a boomer.
Sorry you're being inconvenienced. If you're lucky they'll die soon and you won't be bothered any more.
no doubt your family feels the same
Most of my family are deceased. Very few reached the age of 87. Realistically OP probably will have a 50% chance her elderly relatives will die in the next 3 years, and with their health issues it could be less.
My point being, these folks know their days are numbered and they're looking for excuses to make contact with their family. Add to that cognitive and physical decline, the main objective should be to be kind, as both these elderly people could be gone very soon. Instead they're being treated as a nuisance. The whole thing is sad.
Your dad isn’t a boomer (generation born 1945-1965 unless you’re using the term in the derogatory form it is now used). Your father is actually a member of the silent generation. I only mention this because “Boomers” (of which I am one) god knows can be entitled and difficult but seem to take more blame than most of us actually deserve. I know that I am in fact privileged by when I was born (avoided the Great Depression and a world war and had a lot of government support for subsidized schools and financial growth that has been yanked away from later generations).
That said you need to protect your mental and physical health or you will be no good to them at all. Many of the comments support you starting to hold some lines and have some very difficult conversations with them (which you appear to be doing - props). Keep it up and present a united front of all the caregivers. Support each other.
Wow, this is quite the post from someone whose elderly parent is currently in the hospital with heart failure. I am guessing you don’t have the best relationship bc this post is quite callous.
For the mail, arrange pick up once a week there is no need to go every day. For the Amazon orders tell step mom to have them delivered at the care facility bc no is picking them up unless they are essentials that she needs at the facility and can’t have delivered there. These can be delivered directly to you or your brother so one of you can easily drop them off when convenient. Also say no to the laundry!
Personally I would not begrudge an occasional orange juice or other treat to my hospitalized and maybe dying parent but if it is that much hassle then just say no or do it less often
Clearly you've never been in this situation. There isn't enough room in the mailbox to get the mail once per week. It's full every single day. They don't obey orders, no matter how nicely we give them. It's an endless stream of demands and constant gaslighting when we put up boundaries. We are going to have to let the mail pile up outside until reality clicks in that we aren't their package couriers. Then we get the butthurt reactions that we are "abandoning them." I hope you never face this because you clearly would be stuck in your control delusions on day one. And then we will get blamed when his heart worsens from all the stress he is putting on himself ordering bullshit and getting mad about tropicana vs wegmans OJ.
So why don't you actually try "abandoning" them? If all they do is bitch and complain then walk out the door or hang up the phone. Eventually they'll get the hint and if they don't, at least you'll avoid the stress of dealing with their demanding asses. And if the hospital staff starts giving you grief? Tell them they can fuck right off too! You seem to care about other people's opinions of you too much, start caring about yourself a little more.
While I don’t get the big deal over OJ, has anyone asked at the nurses’ station if there is a patient refrigerator? If so, buy and label a container or two for your dad. (Individual serving size are easier for staff to grab & deliver, if it is an option.) Ask that he get a glass at his preferred time. Ditto his ice cream of choice.
The post office can hold mail and as I said just don’t pick up the Amazon packages, have them sent to the care facility, or to your or your brother’s home so you or brother can deliver essential items when convenient. I am sorry you are going through this and hope you can find peace with your aging parents’ circumstances and I hope they can as well