I (28F) just found out I was pregnant about 2 weeks ago. Given the timing, my SO and I decided to tell friends and family over Christmas. We don’t live in the same city as them, so it was one of our only opportunities to tell people in person.
We weren’t scheduled to see my parents until the 23rd (arrived on the 19th). We thought about trying to see my parents earlier to tell them, but they are constantly trying to “guess” when I’m pregnant. For years, on every major holiday, my dad has asked me or my SO if we were expecting yet. I told my SO that I just couldn’t handle them guessing as opposed to us getting to tell them, so we chose not to change our plans and just tell them on the 23rd.
We saw my SO’s parents, my sibling, and a few friends in person between the 19th-23rd. We told these people when we saw them. We told my parents on the 23rd and everything went great! They were so surprised. But then, over the next few times we saw them, it casually came out who else we’d already told. We didnt think anything of it. Well…my parents called me this morning to tell me they’re “incredibly offended they weren’t the first to know” especially given “I’m their only daughter, it just seems so disrespectful”. They asked that I “do better in the future.”
My SO is furious. He thinks it’s ridiculous and that they’re acting like children, but this is my first pregnancy so I don’t know how to feel. Was I in the wrong by not telling my parents first?
No. Your pregnancy, your prerogative from start to finish on any decisions (and boundaries to come). Will they also expect to be in the delivery room with you while you labor? Expectations of others during pregnancy that is not their own is wild.
The cool part about having a baby is… YOU’RE the mom now! So, in a way, you have all these new powers. You don’t have to worry as much about what your parents think because… they’re the grandparents. You’re the mom!! So people should be worrying about what YOU think.
lol, anyway. That’s how I’ve started to shift my perspective when it comes to these kinds of issues.
You are not responsible for managing the emotions of other adult people. Instead of being happy about the baby and becoming grandparents, they chose to shit all over their daughter and ruin the mood. That was a deliberate choice to be as shitty, entitled and dramatic as possible.
"How can I interrupt and ruin my daughter's moment with a little me in the picture ...?"
I’m not OP but I needed to hear this, thank you
Same.
Not the exact same situation but my mom and aunt insisted that they were going to be in the delivery room while I was giving birth. I finally got sick of it and asked them “Why? Do you want to get a good look when I inevitably sh*t myself?” They stopped talking about it after that.
Maybe you could respond similarly… like “what do you mean do better? Do you want to be notified every time we have sex? Are you looking for live updates?”
💀 HA that’s pretty good your response .
Lol I swear my mom declared that she wanted to be in the delivery room as soon as she saw I was a girl (never wanted to for her 3 boys?), and the closer we get to meeting this baby (24 weeks), the more I want it to just be me and my husband. I might have to use this one. Hehe
Try it lol. Honestly kicking everyone out ended up being the best thing for us. When I was in labor my blood pressure would go up every time my mom said something (because she was telling me to the do things against medical advice). That was after she basically forced herself into the delivery room when contractions started up knowing I didn’t want anyone except my husband there active during labor.
Might have been our mistake for letting them in before contractions started. Lessons were learned. This time I told him that I dont want to tell our parents we’re at the hospital until right before delivery or right after. That way they wont have a chance to come in the delivery room.
Oh no what a nightmare! That's what I'm worried about. I really am shooting for an unmedicated physiological birth (hypnobirthing) and I tried pushing her off by telling her she'll just be bored bc I'll likely be so focused and won't want to talk or anything. I'm sorry you didn't have an ideal birth, but kudos to you for making changes for next time.
My mom lives about 4 hours away and I was thinking about not telling her until after or at least right before. All of our family is hours away and I worry everyone's going to be blowing up our phones if they know I'm going into labor. Seems like a pretty good solution!
My family did the exact same thing to me. Getting pregnant revealed to me just how dramatic and unsupportive my own family is (first grandchild). I finally learned to expect my family members to make a big deal about every little detail and to stop caring about their feelings so much. It’s been freeing.
I agree with your partner, they are being childish and petty.
You told them as soon as you saw them, it's not like you were hiding it from them. Do they have a history of dysfunctional/narcissistic behaviour? Because if this isn't some kind of an anomaly for them, I'd make sure to explain your boundaries immediately, before they start developing unreasonable expectations about other things related to the pregnancy.
OMG and you're only 28 and they've been asking "for years" if you were pregnant yet? They sound annoying and I think they're lucky you made them part of your announcement at all.
Agree, how unbelievably annoying and prying
😐 I mean they can be butt hurt but you did nothing wrong. You told them when you saw them. Them telling you “do better” is just adding stupid stress to you for no reason.
Text them next time or would that offend them also?
“I’m incredibly offended you’re making my pregnancy about yourselves. I’m offended instead of enjoying the news you’re trying to create unnecessary drama. I’m offended instead of celebrating your child you’re trying to guilt me because as an adult I decided to celebrate MY news how I wanted instead of focusing on what would make you happy. For years you put me in an uncomfortable position trying to prying for information you weren’t entitled to. This is my pregnancy and my life you found out when I was ready to share it. YOU NEED TO DO BETTER.”
Ugh sorry your parents suck. Tell them to grow up because one baby — the one you’re carrying — in your life is enough!!!
i'd be telling them they'll be the last to know anything going forward if they keep that attitude up🤷🏻♀️ and make it clear that the reason they were told later was bc they kept asking previously lol. I definitely relate to that bc I'm already dreading telling my extended family members who have been asking since before we even got married
Too fucking bad for them!
Im going to give a real life example of what just happened to me. I have an extremely unstable and toxic family, so my husband and I told no one about the pregnancy until after the first trimester because of obvious reasons. My family lost it on me, because they weren't told first and we just posted it on Facebook for everyone to see. Best thing I can recommend is realizing that the way they're acting is only on them. You made a decision as parents and no one gets to walk all over you and make you feel bad about how you told people about something that should be celebrated.
Not in the wrong. Trust me, you are going to encounter a lot of people giving unsolicited opinions and advice on your pregnancy. This is YOUR body, your future child, and your choice who/what/when you decide to share details with. I’m encountering my own issues with my MIL and what I continue to ask myself is “is this the kind of behavior i want modeled for my child?” and I let that guide what boundaries I set up. It’s not easy setting up boundaries and expectations of how you want to be treated and respected as a parent, but it’s necessary for yourself and the healthy development of your child.
Everyone is entitled to their feelings, but ultimately it’s your care that matters most and if they prioritized your care over theirs they could have instead asked why you didn’t feel comfortable sharing sooner. Also, you’re pregnant! It’s hard enough as it is to be going through hormonal fluctuations. They should not be adding stress to your life with petty arguments
Not in the wrong. I am in a very similar boat as you and we just told our parents on Christmas via FaceTime. We told a small group of friends first and frankly it’s none of your parent’s business who was told first. They should just be over the moon that you chose to tell them. We waited a little longer to tell parents because of the miscarriage risk in the first trimester. (I had a miscarriage in Sept which made me more wary) Anywho, congrats! And don’t let them steal your joy.
This happened to us to…. We wanted it to be a surprise especially because everyone wait expecting and waiting for us to break the news at some point. It was a few years into our marriage and much longer dating and we said we were trying… any time we even remotely looked like we had news to share both sets of parents and other family would jump on us asking if we’re pregnant yet so when the time finally came to actually say something we didn’t want to make it a special “we need to get together to share some news” or whatever. Also we thought it was news that should be shared in person.
Anywayz…. Once we reached our threshold and finally were ready to tell people (kinda… my husband was more eager than I but I compromised), it so happened that it went 1. My maternal grandmother , 2. His parents. 3 my parents. My mom was NOT happy about this. It almost makes you wonder if they’d rather be called immediately or something as soon as you know or I don’t know. I get some people do that but after being on Reddit for awhile it seems that a lot of us are on the same page about 1. Waiting and 2. Telling people in person.
This time with my second it ended up being 1. My parents , 2. His parents 3 other people, which my mom was thrilled about. I also was hoping to do the same with the gender but we saw his parents first for that and he was eager to tell them. Didn’t understand the big deal of who knows when and said it was dramatic to even think it matter. I get this but again… it mattered to my mom and that put pressure and stress on me. I really wish my mom wasn’t like that but what can ya do.
Family drama is dumb
I understand they’re hurt but their comments aren’t fair. It’s ok for them to feel hurt but they should’ve kept it to themselves
They are entitled to feel mad and you are entitled to tell them when you feel it's appropriate. The way they choose to express and deal with their anger/disappointment and the way you respond is what matters.
It's okay to validate them while also not letting them guilt trip you. I think if they communicated their feelings and then move on without punishing you or guilt tripping you it's okay. Your husband is also allowed to feel angry but he shouldn't be villainizing them for feeling the way they do. My mom got jealous over a few things with my husband's family too but she got over it eventually. Idk why but the birth of my first brought out a lot of jealousy and emotions in my mom that I was really surprised by because she never got like this before.
I think it's best if you can give them some compassion and empathy while also having boundaries and making the right decisions for yourself. Maybe you can include them in another first or do something to make them feel special.
Absolutely not in the wrong. Telling people in person, especially close family, is much more meaningful than over the phone/text. It is extremely selfish of them, in my opinion, to be upset with you for not telling them first. This sounds like a boundary issue already and I would be absolutely wary of them overstepping throughout your child's life. Please do not feel terrible about yourself at all. I totally understand questioning yourself with all the heightened emotions going on. Hope you have a blessed pregnancy and healthy birth 🩷
This feels familiar… It’s understandable that you handled it this way due to logistics. I also think it’s honestly understandable that they feel the way they do, but it’s not acceptable that they made such a big deal about it to you. This is an exciting time for you and you didn’t wait to tell them to hurt them… it just made sense for you. It’s not fair for them to put this stress on you.
Truth be told, it didn’t even cross my mind to tell my husband’s parents before I told my mother because I knew she’d be incredibly hurt and offended if they knew first. She’s just like that with everything. We luckily already had plans to have them all over on the day we found out I was pregnant, so we just told them all at the same time… but it’s so hard having a parent or parents who get offended so easily when they’re not the first in the know. I sometimes even avoid telling my mum about casual dinners at my in laws because she will usually take a certain tone with me as though I’m purposefully excluding her from my life or something and preferring them over her which is soooooo not the case…
My latest anxiety is about when I give birth in less than two months. If my in laws happen to come to the hospital before my mum and meet the baby first? Idk how I’m gonna handle that.
Valid that your parents wanted to know before others. Also valid that you told other people first because you were seeing them in person before your parents. Yeah it sucks for them and it's entirely understandable that you told the other loved ones. You deserve to make the announcements how you see fit, and it's not like you left them out, you just wanted to do it in person.
We told our parents first. Then everyone else.
That’s ridiculous and petty. They are not entitled to pregnancy announcement “dibs”. They need to get over themselves and stop making it about them.
Didn’t tell my parents/family until close to 14 weeks with our 3rd bc we wanted to make sure the screenings came back OK. My mom is still complaining to everyone that ‘you should have told me earlier, you always wait too long.’ They found out at 8 weeks with our first (had to cancel travel for a family wedding bc I was so sick) and 10 weeks with our second when we announced to everyone at our first’s 1st bday. Some people will just never be satisfied, you just gotta do what is right for you and your family.
I literally went through the exact same situation back in June and it STILL continues to be an issue, so much so that just talking about baby stuff has been super uncomfy with my family. Best wishes to you and your new little family, it WILL get better ❤️
If you’d told them over the phone that would’ve been wrong. It’s your pregnancy not theirs they are acting childish and selfish.
Do better? They’ve been asking you numerous times for a grandchild and now they are getting one they aren’t happy.
Please don’t feel bad you told them when you saw them and they are entitled.
They’ve managed to take a happy moment and ruin it on purpose by making it all about themselves.
Same thing happened to us. We didn’t tell anyone at all until we got our clearance at 12 weeks. My mom gave me the cold shoulder for months and threw multiple big fat tantrums that I waited so long to tell her. Told me how disrespectful I am, how unfair I am, and how I’ve tainted our relationship beyond repair. Now she gets little to no information and is absolutely not invited to literally anything. Fuck around and find out.
I wouldave told my parents and my partner’s parents at the same time. They are probably hurt especially if you’re their only daughter and they’ve been waiting a long time to meet your children. They felt left out because you told a whole bunch of people before them. Yes it might seem trivial to you in the grand scheme of things and maybe it is but if they raised you with love, they probably thought of what a privilege it would be to hold such a sacred moment with you even if only for just a few minutes or hours before the rest of the world knew. Hopefully you understand what I’m saying.
It is your pregnancy after-all though and being stressed doesn’t help. I don’t appreciate their last remarks but again I understand the hurt. Perhaps they don’t know how else to articulate it.
Instead of berating them, maybe this might be a moment to learn what it is like anticipating this moment as a parent. Ask them about it, what they felt, why it hurt them and what they anticipated. It could be a chance to learn about your parents abit.
Just saying.
I probably would've told both sets of parents the same day. Their comments are over the top but I can understand why they would feel hurt- even though they are being very childish...