TRIGGER WARNING: talking in depth about prior miscarriage
Hello! I’m currently 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my rainbow baby. I was pregnant for the first time earlier this year in February, and it was a horrible experience. It took me and my husband about 2 years to get pregnant, so we were very excited. My OB refused to get me in for my first ultrasound appointment until I was almost 11 weeks along, so I went to a private clinic for my first ultrasound at about 6.5 weeks along, and was able to see baby’s heartbeat!! So I thought everything was okay. When I went to the OB, the ultrasound was different. There suddenly looked like there were two babies, when my previous vaginal ultrasound only showed one. Neither of them had a heartbeat and were only measuring about 7 weeks… it was heartbreaking. My husband is a paramedic and I’ve seen so many videos of things like this that we immediately knew what was going on, even though the ultrasound tech was completely silent. She eventually just turned off the big screen that we were able to watch, and said it was over. No information. I know they can’t say anything, but still it was really difficult. I then had to sit in the waiting room for over 45 minutes while I’m violently, uncontrollably sobbing and surrounded by happy looking pregnant people and their partners. When the PA finally called me back, I was still crying. The first thing she says to me is “Why are you crying? Is this an unwanted pregnancy?” Like excuse me??? NO I’m crying because my baby is not alive anymore?? Which I told her. She was asking if it’s possible if I conceived on a different date then I thought, which I obviously did not. She then told me that we were just going to wait and see if I will pass it naturally and ushered me out of the office. Great. So I did end up passing it naturally. Horrible and painful experience, both physically and mentally. Then I went back and had a clear ultrasound, so I thought it was over. Nope! Horrible abdominal pain about a week later, so I went to the ER and was diagnosed with an incomplete miscarriage. They gave me a medication, which was horrible. Then my OB gave me a second dose of the same medication since the first time didn’t work. They said it was most likely due to blood clots that were stuck in my uterus. Anyways… took about 7 months to fully recover from that long process. I’m now extremely nervous about my currently pregnancy. I’m excited, of course, but I have very few symptoms (slight tiredness, slight breast tenderness) and am just so nervous about this happening again. I don’t know if I can go through all of that again and keep having the will to try again.. I have made a lot of mental progress and really worked on my mind state after the miscarriage, but being pregnant again is bringing the experience back for me.
I’m sorry you had to go through that, it’s painful, isolating, and so sad. No advice but I hope everything goes your way this time around ♥️
Thank you, I appreciate the well wishes :) I hope everything goes well too
Hey OP - I'm so sorry about your loss, and understand the anxiety loss brings to a current pregnancy.
Please feel free to join a like-minded group over at r/pregnancyafterloss
It's a very specific group where any type of loss is welcomed, and we come together to discuss our current feelings on pregnancy.
I had a very very similar experience it was a 2 month process that ended with an emergency dnc due to fear of hemorrhaging.
The feeling of fear will never go away. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this. I just had my second baby and even then I waited until about 5 months before sharing. Every time I used the bathroom I would hold my breath and wait to see blood. You will have good days and bad days. Days where your nausea lessons and you’ll panic something is wrong. I ended up finding a new OBGYN because of how my missed miscarriage was handled. You might want to look at finding an office and Ob that is gentle and kind because it doesn’t sound like they took your feelings into consideration during all this.
Just because you had this experience doesn’t mean you won’t give birth to a healthy baby. Talk to your OB about your concerns. Just know that your feelings and fears are very normal because what you went through is traumatic and heart breaking.
I’m so sorry for your losses, I can relate as it took us nearly 5 years to conceive and that ended in an MMC as well. I was so crushed but couldn’t even be surprised because I had a really strong feeling the pregnancy wasn’t ok and everyone told me I was just being paranoid.
For my first OB visit this pregnancy I was a wreck. I hated being back in that same lobby I was in when I had to come back for follow-ups after my loss and see all the pregnant moms. I felt unworthy and like I was a joke for even being there. I will say though that right off the bat I just had a feeling this pregnancy was different, I had such a sense of ease and confidence that I’ve never known before. I even wanted to buy a baby item to celebrate but my husband was too worried we’d jinx it. I even kept having dreams about a little boy and just didn’t feel like I was having a girl- turns out my instincts point me in the right direction, because I am indeed having a boy.
I hope your pregnancy progresses healthily and that you get your rainbow. I’m going to be 28 weeks next week and I’m still holding my breath, but I have to remind myself to grant myself peace and kindness.