My brother recently cut me off, and I’m questioning whether I’m actually unhealthy for him—or whether this is what happens when I stop absorbing blame.
My parents asked me to plan a family trip. Part of it was meant to be a surprise, so my brother wasn’t included in planning. When he found out, we talked. He became furious, refused to come, and his kids didn’t come either—even though most of the activities were centered around them (they’re 8 and 10).
Ironically, the trip itself ended up being the first family event we’ve ever had that was calm and drama-free from start to finish. It was heartwarming- a celebration of life for my father and 22 relative.
During that initial conversation, he said he’s “always had my back.” That didn’t match my experience. Growing up, he had intense rages that sometimes turned physical. As an adult, his reactions still feel extreme and all-or-nothing: explosions, rewriting history, seeing himself as entirely wronged, and cutting people off when challenged.
I’ve kept him in my life because he also has genuinely caring qualities, and I learned to manage the relationship by staying small, avoiding conflict, and accepting volatility as the cost of connection.
For the first time, I calmly named my reality instead of smoothing things over. He said I’d been harboring resentment and taking it out on him. I wouldn’t let my experience be minimized, and after that he cut me off completely.
He’s now also no-contact with our father—who has nearly died multiple times recently—after yelling at him for hours about favoritism.
What I keep struggling with is this: how do I know I’m not the one being toxic or rewriting history in my own head? At the same time, being cut off has removed the constant anxiety of wondering if I’ve done something to set him off.
So how do you tell—what’s healthy self-reflection versus internalizing blame when someone can’t tolerate accountability or boundaries?
You know because you are questioning it, my therapist tells me this all the time. People with untreated BPD never question themselves about their behaviour, they never consider that they may be the problem because they believe their unstable feelings no matter what evidence there is to show a different reality.
In theory, it could as well be both of you.
For clarification, let me ask you the following:
If yes, yes and yes, you don’t seem like a huge problem in general.
Its not resentment, its trauma. Just as he normally has explosions and tantrums, you are allowed to be at your wits end and be frustrated and make mistakes too. If you're the only person in the relationship that has to be held to a certain standard or accountability, then its not a relationship.
You're allowed to enjoy life, and be with your family stress free.
His BPD diagnosis is not a justification for his behavior. He knows better, and he needs to incorporate the tools that are supposed to help people with BPD not have episodes.
My sister has a history of unstable friendships, relationships, self harm, etc She brags a lot about being sensitive and has made her mental health struggles her whole identity lately, it’s all over her social media. I’m convinced she has HPD due to behaviors from her teenage years into her late 20’s. Once she got married, I feel like that evolved into BPD.
I put a boundary up with her recently about how I wasn’t going to get caught up between her and another family member’s drama and she got offended and took it as abandonment (classic BPD). She has been radio silent for the past few months, after everyone has reached out and checked in on her. But she has no problem sharing it on social media 🤷🏼♂️
I don't know how to copy/paste small amounts of text on Reddit from my phone, but imagine I've copied the sentence in your post where you said the one family event without him turned out to be the first family event that was calm and drama-free. The entire family dynamic changes with his absence. That's the answer to your title question.
Editing to add: when my sister moved out, we only had at most two arguments per year in the family. When she lived with us, it was at least two a week and at one point she was picking fights every other day. My relationship with my parents was the best it had ever been when she wasn't there to triangulate.
Do you generally have healthy relationships outside your brother? Friends? Work? If so, that’s a clear indication. If you were toxic, it would bleed into other relationships eventually.
Look at who controls the relationship and to what degree both your and their emotional needs are being met in the relationship and ask how reasonable that balance is. Or if you would allow it to exist in a new friendship today.
If none of your other relationships resemble it, if the degree of work required to make the other person happy (or “not actively angry with you”) is excessive but somehow never makes a difference or counts for anything, if the other person is manipulative or deceptive but denies or ignores it, if you have unmet emotional needs but the other person is completely fixated on theirs and cannot/will not hear you or your concerns, if they have standards or boundaries for you that they don’t follow themselves… it’s them.
If they are accusing you of BPD but you have tested negatively or have gone over their claims with a therapist or neutral party and can see that they aren’t a pattern or are taken out of context, it’s them.
There is no perfect person and most people over the course of their lifetime will display one or several personality disorders traits especially in times of extreme stress however it’s when these traits become a fixed pattern of predictable responses then it moves into the territory of a true personality disorder.
If you don’t have a therapist, get a therapist. Unpacking this is messy and painful.
As others have suggested, a reality check with a therapist might be helpful. It's certainly helped me a lot. Having a therapist who knows me very well and assures me I have no signs of a personality disorder is really helpful!
Your post really touched similar feelings I’ve also been grappling with. My sister’s accusations, insults and criticisms have made me question my own reality - including anxiety that I somehow caused her BPD traits for not being a ‘good enough’ sister. It’s also especially crazy making when the accusations reflect their own behaviour - eg me being told I’m passive aggressive after my sister ghosts me for months or her trying to goad me into saying I hate her so she can maintain the victim role and I become the aggressor, even while she’s yelling and hurling insults at me.
The knowledge that I have many other good relationships in my life keeps me grounded. I think you have to hold on tight to that.
I think by questioning your behavior and involvement is a big clue that you’re not “the problem.” No one is perfect though, so we all have our roles inside an unhealthy dynamic. One thing I’ve noticed with my pwbpd is their fallouts with almost every single family member and close friend throughout the course of their life. I’ve have friendships end, sometimes sad, but it never came to emotional blows. My sibling on the other hand has had these extreme arguments and fallouts with rage texting and being very mean and permanently damaging towards he relationship. My extended family is extremely loving and caring, and almost every single aunt/uncle/cousin has come to a point with my sibling that they’ve had to go no contact after receiving rage texts, etc. I am kind of at a point where I don’t even take it personally when I’m called names because I know it has nothing to do with me. I’m just the person in the moment that they’re using to take their anger out on, and next month it will be someone else.