Hey all,
Chosen sibling has traits of BPD, and has some awareness that he has said traits. We're both 30ish and have known each other for about the last 15 years.
Periodically, he loses it over something, usually something small. We spend days being miserable, trying to talk it out and getting frustrated at how each of us seems so far out of left field to the other. We eventually finally make up, usually after he either convinces me that I fucked up, or I get so tired of it that I cave and apologize anyway. Things get better for a while, and I think maybe it'll stop happening, but in weeks to months it always happens again.
Most recently, a couple days before Christmas, he texted me from another part of the house that he still couldn't find his wallet. I texted back, asking if he remembers having it the night before, and he said he didn't know. I then asked if he ever used a company car at work the day before, at which point he said, "Why is the first thing that I must have left it somewhere you can’t look?"
He quickly followed that up with texts to not bother looking, and then added, "But to be honest I’m getting used to you either not listening, not caring, or not doing what you say you’ll do."
Apparently, this comment was addressed at many things, but partly that I didn't make rice the day before in time for his virtual eating disorder IOP dinner session. On Sunday, he had cooked dinner for the household for Monday and Tuesday night, and told my husband and I "one of you just needs to make rice tomorrow". According to sibling, he told me three different ways that he was also having what he had made and the rice needed to be ready by 5:00, but neither my husband or I understood that. Nothing he said ever registered to either of us as 'he wants to eat the rice too, so we need to have it ready for him.'
As soon as he texted me Monday about there being no rice, I had my husband help me use the rice cooker and brought rice to him as soon as it was ready, and said "sorry about that".
Sibling now wants to know why I can't just apologize and take responsibility for not doing what I was supposed to do, and says that he doesn't really believe that I care about him eating because my actions show that it doesn't really matter to me.
Also on Tuesday, after the previous texts he'd sent, he also texted a littany of things including (paraphrasing a little here), "my feelings never matter," "When do you spend time with me that I haven’t begged for?" and "I don't feel okay with us. It never improves. I might as well be done."
Now, according to him, none of this was intended as a global character attack, nor has he decided that nothing can be better. He says he is sharing his feelings so that we can improve things. However, he doesn't seem willing to acknowledge that the way he's talking has the impact of hurting me and committing to changing that.
I really don't know anymore. We've known each other for half our lives. We've talked about the best and worst experiences we've had. We've been incredibly emotionally and physically vulnerable in front of each other. And yet, somehow everything pretty much gets made out to be my fault, and rather than saying he feels scared, hurt, whatever, he starts telling me that I don't listen, or don't care, or don't love him, or don't like him, or that I don't spend time with him unless he begs me, or...
I am so tired. I understand I am far from perfect. Yes, sometimes I am an ass. Sometimes I get overly defensive. Sometimes I do things wrong.
But what did I do here? Neglect to do something I didn't even know I agreed to do? Ask him questions about where his wallet could be?
I understand that he has been through a lot, the holidays are very stressful for him, and eating disorder treatment is really challenging for him. And that is why I didn't bite his head off at the first, second, third, fourth...comment that he made. I tried to stay as neutral as possible, then got tired enough of it that I said I was feeling hurt and was not going to continue the conversation at the moment. But still, he gives me the old, "you expect people to understand your behavior because of what you're going through, but you won't do that for anyone else"
If I wasn't taking circumstances into account, I would've shown anger much earlier and stronger...
You apologized and took responsibility for a problem he created and could have easily solved, to which he responded by telling you that you don't apologize or take responsibility for the problems he creates and could easily solve. There is no winning here. The is no correct response. Nothing you ever do will be good enough.
Next time he says "I don't feel okay with us. It never improves. I might as well be done."
You say, “ok”
I could have written this entire post. It’s classic BPD appointing themselves judge, jury and executioner. Only they can assign blame and decree how much grovelling from you is adequate.
Your last sentence is really important and I think one we all tend to overlook far too much. The way they treat us is far from okay but we let it slide because ‘family’. Someone being family doesn’t excuse terrible, harmful behaviour. You don’t deserve to be an emotional punching bag just because you’re family. You shouldn’t have to become a nervous wreck because you’re having to manage someone else’s out of control feelings because you’re family. That’s not your responsibility. You will burn out eventually and they’ll just keep on trucking the same way they always have, while blaming you for your eventual mental breakdown, that they caused. They wont show you mercy or empathy even then, it will be another excuse to abuse you for ‘not being there for them’. Please shield yourself the best you can and stop eating their emotions. Their instability and failure to regulate is not your fault or responsibility.