My older sister (pwsBPD) has always been enabled by my parents. During one of her outbursts, she kicked me out of her wedding and uninvited my parents and me - going as far as cancelling our hotel reservations and removing all mention of us as family on her wedding site.
This was the final straw for me, but my parents went right back when she called my mom crying that she felt like she ruined our family (of course, no apology). Right before the wedding, my dad went to my therapy appointment with me, where I told him my boundaries: (1) they need to accept that I will go NC with her; (2) I don't want to hear anything about her, her dogs, her boyfriend, etc.; (3) I don't want them to tell her anything about me. He understood and accepted all of them. They went to the wedding and I stayed home.
I face timed my parents on Christmas morning to wish them a Merry Christmas and to confirm plans for them to come over later for coffee/dessert. My dad immediately turns the phone around to show my new brother-in-law sitting there and says, "say hello to [bil]!". I couldn't get off the phone fast enough. I called him back and said that was not okay. He said that I needed say hello to be polite...so I cancelled our plans.
This is just the most recent experience, but I have been going through this kind of stuff for 30 years. I'm tired and frustrated. Is it bad that I just want to be done with all of them?
This is so hard. My parents enable my sister and it has completely changed my relationship with them (things came to a head my dad said some horrific things to me) despite me being the dependable one and the one to take care of my nana on hospice with my mother.
It took therapy and time for me to set boundaries and adjust to what the relationship actually is to what I would want it to be.
I keep it surface level with my parents. I don’t take anything from them (only kid who got their own home without them, no money, etc) it was HARD and I cried lots of tears but I can tell you I feel so much better NOW.
Literally same. I was there with my mom taking care of my grandmother with dementia. Where was my sister? Nowhere to be found. She didn’t even go to her funeral or celebration of life. The reason? She didn’t like that my spouse was there.
I think I’m going to have to have a surface level relationship with my parents going forward. I just think that’s the only way I can move forward and find happiness in my own life.
I completely understand. I went nc with my older sister about a year and a half ago and have seriously struggled with my relationship with my parents ever since. I don’t have much to offer, just solidarity.
I'll take solidarity. Thank you, friend.
I understand completely and I'm sorry you are going through this. I went nc with my bpd older sister but hadn't the fore thought to tell my parents. Kudos to you. Noone in my family accepts that I don't want any relationship with her and all have turned their back on me. In essence, by avoiding the bpd sibling and her abuse, I lost my whole family. Good luck to you. Hoping for a better outcome for you.
I am in a very similar situation. My mum is deeply enmeshed with my sister and they both turned against me and my husband. I am no contact with the whole family now as no one is willing to see things for what they are.
Yes, I relate very much your last words: no one is willing to see things for what they are. I'm sad for you and me and all of us in this position. Take good care of yourself! ❤
Thank you. Yeah I’m starting to feel like this is it with the rest of my family. I’m just tired of (figuratively) asking that my parents be MY parents too. At this point, they’re just people I’m related to, not my parents.
Like you I worked things out the way you described it too; (they are just people I'm related to....) and it helped me visit with them till they passed.
My parents are divorced and they are the opposite of each other. Dad is supportive and mom.is enabling. I don’t share personal information with my mom any more, but instead a lot of emotions. Somehow it works, she stopped pushing me back to my sister.