Beginning sounds unrelated but we’ll get there. My husband and I tried to do something nice by inviting my entire immediate family and their children to our friend’s home that is a historical/fancy looking place that he decorates incredibly for the season to host them before we traveled to see my husband’s family for the holidays. One of my brothers and his wife declined our invitation because they have a puppy and driving an hour to us for a 2 hour visit wasn’t worth it to them (they eventually made a statement along these lines).
I was upset and frustrated that I wasted my time setting something up for the kids while my brother’s family intended on canceling from the beginning. I texted a few things out of frustration, and I know I should not have (“i understand forgetting about me” and “i guess we’ll see you in a few years lol”). I apologized for the comment about not seeing them for a few years, I had meant it as a sarcastic joke about how long it would take their dog to mature and it was instead taken as a 100% serious threat.
In the end, they chose for his wife to stay home with the puppy and my brother to bring the kids. We hosted at our house because we cancelled the other place. My brother pulled my husband aside while I was distracted and started the conversation with “you know I didn’t even want to come here today,” and then condescended to him about how we need to do better.
My husband called my brother last night to tell him that ambushing him like that was incredibly rude and that moving forward he will not talk down to us like that. In their conversation, it eventually comes out that he and his wife are holding some kind of resentment for me not inviting my sister that we suspect has BPD to our wedding that we had this past October (I knew it). The worst part in my opinion is that we learned that when I called his wife months ago begging for emotional support and expressing the pain I was in, she and my brother interpreted me saying maybe I would keep my distance on the holidays because it was hard to be around my sister as a threat to “abandon the children” which is why they took my recent text message as a 100% genuine threat.
I can’t get over that me begging for help and emotional support was twisted into a threat and they didn’t even fucking say anything until now about it. And they’re still resentful that I didn’t sacrifice my happiness on my wedding day for them. They’re so self centered and despicable.
The biggest thing I've learned from therapy is that I can only control what I do and how I respond. Others are not going to care nearly as much as I do about what's happening for me.
In addition, everyone is allowed to have their own relationship with others and most of the time, them maintaining contact with someone isn't a statement on what they believe about you. That's been a tough one to learn.
Finally, boundaries are about you and what you'll do not what others can / can't do.
I am truly sorry you've felt so lonely and hurt. And, unfortunately, there's unlikely to be emotional freedom for you until you realize you can't change others - you can only choose to meet them where they're at with some set boundaries, or walk away from the relationship.
Thanks, I appreciate what you’re saying. I absolutely have no problem with them maintaining a relationship with my sister and never made a comment to them about that. And I do understand that boundaries are about what I can do and not expecting others to mold around me. That’s why I let them know I may distance myself around the holidays, because it’s hard for me and I don’t expect them to not include my sister. Separating myself for my mental health is my responsibility.
I was just really hurt that they interpreted that boundary setting as me threatening to abandon their children and they didn’t even communicate that concern. Meeting them where they are at has certainly been a challenge and I admit that I’ve struggled with that.
I totally get it. It's all a challenge, especially distance and written communication. For me, it's really challenging that they have their own narratives and don't also go by the "I have an individual relationship with everyone" mentality!
My best advice is just to be super careful about what is written because tone is hard to interpret, and to start building up other relationships outside of family to hold you in these moments.
I wish you all the best
I’d like to gently suggest you read this out loud. If this is the tone you’re using with them, you aren’t coming from a place of love or curiosity.
Yeah, I agree.
This is the first time in my adult life I said something out of frustration that I didn’t mean to say. They treated me with zero love and compassion about the pain I went through while they emotionally manipulated me trying to get me to invite my abuser to my wedding, so yeah it’s been difficult to approach them with love and compassion in return. I’m in therapy and my therapist literally told me not to expect compassion or empathy from them moving forward.