hello, i’m a submissive with bpd along with a few other mental health disorders. i thought i had a really good grasp on it for the past year or so, but i was put into a situation recently where i was back where i was most traumatized. it made me regress in a lot of my coping mechanism that i had, put me in an episode and i ended up cutting off a lot of people including my dom out of fear that they were becoming my favorite person. im now out of that dark place for the most part and trying do damage control.
i dont think im able to fix what happened with them due to me now not being able to find their account. i dont wanna cause anymore harm then i have so i’ve decided not to go searching. im trying my hardest to do radical acceptance but its really difficult for me to do so right now. so my question is for other subs or even doms with bpd or that have partners with bpd, how have you handled the aftermath of splitting?
/u/lilac_embalming, our AutoModerator attaches this message to every post. It contains information you may find useful:
Guide 01 . . . . . . . . . . Rules.
Guide 02 . . . . . . . . . . How to use the search function.
Guide 03 . . . . . . . . . . Need Ideas?
Guide 04 . . . . . . . . . . It's your dynamic.
Guide 05 . . . . . . . . . . No mention of minors.
Guide 06 . . . . . . . . . . Do not post PSAs.
Guide 07 . . . . . . . . . . Policy re PMs.
Guide 08 . . . . . . . . . . Exiting abuse.
Guide 09 . . . . . . . . . . Kinky dating.
Our Wiki.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
First… I want to say this clearly: what you described makes sense. Being pulled back into a place where you were traumatized can absolutely crack coping skills that were working. That doesn’t erase the work you did or mean you’re “back at square one.”
I’ve been on the dom side with partners who have BPD traits. One thing that helped reframe it for me is this… splitting and cutting people off is a protection response, not a moral failure. It’s your nervous system trying to survive, not you trying to hurt anyone.
For the aftermath, a few things have helped partners I’ve held space for… (this is not therapy advice. Just things that have worked in the past)
• Radical acceptance doesn’t mean approval. It just means acknowledging “this happened” without adding punishment or self-hatred on top of it.
• Repair isn’t always direct. Sometimes the most ethical repair is not reopening contact if it risks retraumatizing either person.
• Shame will try to keep you frozen. It tells you that you’re dangerous or unlovable. That voice is lying. Accountability doesn’t require self-destruction.
If you ever do enter another D/s dynamic, it can help to name early on… 1. What splitting looks like for you 2. What early warning signs are 3. What support you need before cutting contact
You’re not weak for regressing. You’re not evil for protecting yourself. And you’re not broken because a relationship couldn’t survive a trauma flare.
You’re doing the hard part now… looking at it instead of running from it.
Hope this helps.
You are doing such hard work. I'm proud of you. I have two close friends with bpd and I have such love and admiration for them. Navigating bpd is a super power and it sounds like you're giving it your all. I know it's cliche but be kind to yourself. I'm sorry you've lost your Dom. I think an informed Dom is the best Dom. Bpd does not define you. You are deserving of love and intense connection. Sending you do much love and sorry through the airways.
Splits are brutal, I mirror what the above redditer has said and again congratulate you on facing them.
Im currently fighting through one on my own but never see the recognition as failure you saw the trigger you identified it and came out the other side. Im hoping for the same when/if communication reactivates.
Supportive hugs.