Hi everyone. I’m a very submissive person at heart, both emotionally and sexually, and I’ve been struggling to express the kind of D/s dynamic I crave with my loving partner (M31). We’ve talked about it multiple times, but it often feels like I’m directing him on what to do, and he’s going along to make me happy rather than genuinely embracing control. I’ve emphasized that I need him to enjoy it for himself tho he says “what’s the problem if I just enjoy pleasing you?”. It leaves me feeling like he’s faking the mindset, not owning it.
I love him deeply, he’s kind, supportive and amazing in so many ways (we live together and our relationship is otherwise solid). But my sub side feels unseen and unfulfilled which tbh very often leads to resentment, frustration and annoyance when things don’t click. I’m scared this core need won’t be met long term, especially as he’s more vanilla-leaning and can’t connect with the power exchange I need. Has anyone been here? How do you bridge this gap? Maybe through better communication scripts, resources for him or signs it’s time to reassess? Or am I just topping from the bottom by even wanting him to “get” it?
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I dealt with something similar. With lots of communication about why it’s important that he’s an equal partner in it with me he has looked into things on his own and learned, and through trial and error is figuring out what feels natural and what to lean into. It’s a long process but with a loving partner it’s possible for the dynamics to grow if both people are fully willing to learn and try new things together. It won’t feel natural to him at first because it’s new, but that doesn’t mean it won’t become more innate with time and support. Just make sure it’s not a pressured situation and you both are fully into taking this journey and are willing to grow together!
This is a tough one...
One way that could maybe help is to position this more as roleplay? He could take on a more villainous role while you play a more subby one. That depends if he enjoys it though.
If not, you would have to assess how important this aspect is to you and talk about it with him and see what works.
He might be a dom, but not the dom you desire. Communication is important. It's not topping. Most people cannot read minds..
It is understandable from sub-space you prefer a certain ambiance of an archetype dom, to get from your partner.
So you have a simple solution: A) end the relationship and find the dom you are looking for; B) stop making someone x,y,z, fit in your fantasy box of a role, stop judging and start listening do they like kink, what do they like about, what type of dom (or switch) they/he are/is.
As a care dom/service top (recently exploring my switch side), part of the joy as the one in control is seeing the one you are controlling is having fun. Being an asshole who has little to no care for their sub, is not for everyone. Not everyone wants to be a checklist or any other stereotype dom archetype.
How long have they been trying and are they doing research independently from your guidance?