Okay so me (38F) and him (27M) met on FetLife. We started out completely D/s until he said he wanted to date me and didn't want all our conversations to be about the dynamic. I agreed to date and we have been dating for about 5mo. I'm having a little trouble understanding the line. He told me his submission isn't part of his main personality, it's just something he likes and I guess I get that, but my dominance is a part of my main personality. So now Im having trouble figuring out what is okay to ask as a GF and what should be left for when we are actually in a scene. I don't want to be controlling, and maybe that's an oxymoron, but overstepping in a relationship is a huge fear of mine.
If you want a little backstory I was married for decades and have been in the process of divorce for the last 4yrs. That relationship is 💯 over, hands down, no doubt, never going back there. Anyway, for years after dating then married, my ex-husband used to like my dominance, but then started hating it and hating me for it. I learned to shrink myself for him and was miserable. I'm relearning myself and maybe my dominance will settle eventually, but it's just been growing as of now. I'm still willing to give this relationship a real shot even if some things are not quite aligned, it's still new and we're learning eachother.
Okay, back to the question/advice. One of the things I asked him for when we were strictly D/s was his schedule so I could make sure to work around it with tasks/punishments/etc. But as a GF of just months, is this invasive? This feels like it falls in a weird grey area. I am also on the spectrum, and sometimes I obsess about or don't understand things that may seem obvious to other people. In getting better tho.
Any advice on how to move into a relationship from a D/s dynamic would be greatly appreciated. I generally talk to him about this, and I will after he gets off work, but I need some real world perspective.
Thanks in advance for anything you have to offer
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Asking his schedule so you can plan activities isn't invasive inherently. My GF has my Google calendar and I have hers so we can plan events.
It's invasive if he feels it's invasive though. Just like everything else boundaries are personal and about negotiation.
Being a Dom and being controlling are very different but they rhyme. Outside of dynamic you should be treating him as an equal and the things he wants and his thoughts and opinions should matter every bit as much as yours. In dynamic is the only time you are in control. Establish boundaries for when you are in dynamic.
Couldn't have said it better.
I would recommend having a conversation with him and seeing what being your “bf” looks like. If he only wants bedroom or scene play… and you crave your dominance more regularly and/or 24/7… you need to discuss ways you can feel dominant and in your own skin while respecting his wishes.
The calendar thing seems like a little bit of a red herring… knowing his plans is useful in a relationship balance (bf/gf). However, you stated previously you used it to plan dynamic tasks. Since he isn’t seeking that level of control… it may not matter right now.
I think this revolves around a conversation on boundaries and seeing where both of you can meet.
If not, maybe you two are better off as play partners only. And you can have your needs fulfilled as you see fit and him vice versa.
Thank you this was very helpful. You're right, this is going to need a bigger conversation, and it's definitely on both of us. I have some worries that he's gonna start meeting my needs in daily life and start to become resentful. But I definitely need to bring this up with him the next time we have a non-texting conversation. I need to be able to see his face to tell if he's being honest with himself and me. I've already had the feeling a couple times that we might just be better equipped as play/scene partners than a full relationship, and when I brought this up briefly he started reassuring me and here we are ig 😂
I know too many people (myself was one) that will change who they are fundementally in order to make themselves fit in a relationship, and it would kill me if I was the cause of that.