UPDATE: Thank you all so much! I've read all the replies and made a list of the things I need to do and understand first before getting into anything again.
I want to clarify that the man is also inexperienced. He is only one IRL dynamic/relationship ahead of me. I believe he wasn't a predator or an evil person. Apparently, we were two clueless individuals who had no idea what we were doing, and got our inevitable collision.
It all makes much more sense in my head now and I feel definitely better. I was honestly planning to delete this post (because I was slightly embarrassed) after getting some insight, but many replies are quite helpful. Maybe they guide some other lost soul. I won't delete.
Thank you everyone. I am glad this community exists. :)
i met a great man online in one of the kink subreddits, where we agreed on starting a 24/7 d/s dynamic.
i am almost completely inexperienced, anxious and sensitive, and has a habit of asking millions of questions to make sure i understand things correctly.
he was always kind and understanding, it went well, almost... until everything broke on our 4th day. i apparently overwhelmed and exhausted him because i am always worried and thinking about the worst case scenario and how every single stupid action can ruin my life. to him, it felt like i'm criticizing a lot, holding my past around when he did nothing wrong, and asking questions in a manipulative way, or not being direct.
i felt so sad that i caused all this distress to him within a few days because of the person i am, and probably my ways of communicating, might be because English is not my first language. might be because of my ways of thinking.
i read our conversation hundreds of time trying to see how and where it went wrong. i couldn't think of any fix other than leaving this great man alone instead of exhausting him.
i am really sad and heart-broken but that's irrelevant, that shouldn't affect the decision making process. facts concluded that my ways of communication and my anxieties will always cause him distress. yet, i don't know what to do. i am really sad.
what could i have done? (i am aware this is a broad question, with little to no details given, but i think i can still get some insight..)
Given you've pinpointed that some of the anxiety is driven by both of your inexperience, can I recommend you a look at our subreddit wiki (also linked in the automod comment). Start with n for newbie and then s for submission and then keep reading. In particular, here is a post on kinky educational book recommendations from our sister subreddit r/RedditBDSM.
Hang around here and you'll pick up a wealth of information, I'm certainly learning new things all the time!
(Also thank you for not deleting the post, it would be against rule 11 of the subreddit. If you find that you want people to stop commenting on it let us know in modmail and we can lock the post for you. If creeps DM you, please screenshot and let us know in modmail and we will ban them!)
Don't start with 24/7 next time, that's something you build up to.
Get help with your anxiety. Here's the largest archive of free online mental help I've found so far
https://mentalhealthathome.org/2018/06/14/mental-health-workbooks/
Also, posts like this sometimes attract the wrong kind of attention. If anyone DMs you about this, that's a scammer or a predator. Take screenshots and report them via mod mail.
oh my god thank you so much
Someone you met on the Internet and “knew” for 4 days is not the best thing in your life. That person is still a stranger.
Get solid with yourself with a professional and don’t mistake your projection of fantasy for reality. When you meet the next dom, see him for who he really is while being who you really are.
Hold up.. you agreed within days that you where going to do a 24/7 TPE? Just so my mind understands 😳
i don't know if there're other options
what started this whole thing was me communicating on the 4th day that maybe we could have time off because i need to understand so many things and i asked millions of questions maybe
One really basic option would be to only submit to people you can physically touch.
If you're new, a decent Dom won't expect immediate submission and will be reassured by someone asking millions of questions.
The fact that this all blew up in just four days makes me think you weren't talking to a Dom at all. There's a gigantic amount of terrible people out there who act dominant but really they're looking for victims.
I think you dodged a bullet. You definitely didn't do anything wrong.
There are loads of options ❤️ He sounds like creep that was looking to manipulate you.
There are all of the options.. but this is too fast.. you need to establish trust first. Take it slow. And protect yourself 💕
That’s a really normal request, especially if you jumped into it without any preparation (24/7 is usually something that you build up to once you know each others limits, and your own). It sounds like he’s trying to guilt you into doing what he wants.
And 24/7 doesn’t mean you can’t ever take breaks or have out of dynamic discussions. It just means that the dynamic is the default.
Spend a lot more time educating yourself on BDSM. You need to have as much knowledge as you can get, to keep yourself safe.
You have issues you need to address yourself and with help of a therapist. You do not need any dom/sub stuff right now.
i was thinking the same.. thank you for the insight
Big pro tip: do make sure you get a kink aware therapist.
The last thing you need when working through anxiety is to be told that a core part of your self is fundamentally wrong.
I would look at LGBT friendly therapists too, even in case you yourself aren't part of the LGBT spectrum, such therapists tend to be more open and comfortable with non mainstream topics and usually have experience with self acceptance work.
The worst therapist would be one who has the goal of making you "normal" according to their own definition of normality. They might not set out to be a conversion therapist, but at the end it can definitely feel like it. (Speaking from experience here, my first therapist was well meaning but absolutely pathologised the crap out of my life.)
A TPE 24/7 dynamic doesn't happen in 96 hours. That takes months....sometimes years to build into that. You all rushed this way to hard and way too fast. You all should have talked and discussed things small at first and then built up to more. Him as the Dom should have throttled things back since he is in control of things. I know that is it hard to self check yourself in a new dynamic, but you need to learn how to regulate and control things. Best of luck in the future....
It should take weeks or months of getting to know someone before you commit to a dynamic or get so involved that it hurts when you break up. We call that vetting.
Your submission is too precious to give to a stranger. Before you start a dynamic you really need to know and trust that person. They are going to take up a big space in your life and you're going to let them control you. How much control is up to you, but you shouldn't let anyone have any control over you that you don't know.
I don't mean that you need to know what their kinks are. You need to know them as well as some one you'd commit to going into business with or move into your house with you. Who are they as a person? Whats their background, what kind of goals do they have? How have their past relationships gone? Why did they end? What was their relationship with their parents like? Have they ever struggled with mental health? Who are their friends, and what do they do together?
There are so many more questions to ask, but when you're satisfied, then you can begin to talk about relationship goals. How do you want to feel? How do they want to feel? What kind of things make them feel Dominant? What makes you feel submissive? What areas of life are off limits? How serious is this relationship to each of you? Is it marriage serious, or is it a fun thing to do on the Internet once in a while but no emotional connection?
After getting to know them, there will still be questions to ask. Always be vetting.
There are a lot of people who are looking for an online dynamic who list off their kinks, and limits and then start to play immediately. If what you're looking for is kink flavored phone sex, and it doesn't matter who is on the other end, that's fine. The problem is that those people are picking up folks who are actually looking for a real relationship with emotional connection and commitment.
When a person who wants a relationship meets a person who wants to give tasks, rewards, and punishments, talk sexy and take control, they should walk away immediately. That person either doesn't know what they are doing, or they are looking for the equivalent of phone sex. This relationship will not matter to them and will end in ghosting after getting some nudes and assigning a few tasks. Odds are they are doing this in their spare time with more than one person and are in a committed monogamous vanilla relationship in real life.
A person on either side of the slash who wants a committed relationship will take the time to get to know you and make sure you're compatible and worth the effort before ever trying to take or give control.
This is really well said! Phone sex isn't evil but if one of you doesn't know this is a role-playing game it's gonna sting.
Why would you immediately jump into 24/7? No self respecting real dominant is going to put a noob in that situation. He actually did you a favor moving on although he should have explained why he feels like it's not a good fit. Ghosting is too prevalent nowadays in a lifestyle based on open, clear communication skills.
Starting a 24/7 with someone you don't even know is a bad idea. That's something which, maybe, can come up years into a relationship, when trust has been earned.
Read the book Mirror Work. Your beautiful little inner child needs to hear some different messages.
thank you i will
I agree you need therapy to address your anxiety. But please dont get into a 24/7 TPE with what I would consider a stranger. Ive been in the kink community for 9 months and with my trusted partner for years and I wouldnt step into 24/7 right now. We are WAAY too inexperienced and also its slow progress to get where we both wanna be. The amount of communication is needed.
You are anxious because you haven't gotten enough trust too. You're question everything cuz yall just started and I dont believe you have a good grasp on what is going on. You need to pump the breaks, leave that weird guy alone. Go to the wiki here and get the basic down. figure out what you like. BDSM can be bedroom only, 24/7, TPE or when you can. You dont have to do it all at once. You dont have to rush and you can totally ask question. Getting clarity is good. but doing it only because youre terrified of messing up and trying to be the perfect sub (doesnt exist) is bad.
I’m not sure you were distressing him, it may have been a bit tiresome/ exhausting , the right Dom will answer all your questions happily. It sounds like you need a lot of details to feel secure and that’s ok. If he’s had enough after 4 days he’s showing you how he is and that he’s not right for you. You’ve been made to feel like you were asking questions in a “manipulative way” He was turning your valid concerns back on you. I’m guessing if you say, sent a picture or a video of something intimate? - you’re worried what he’ll do with it - COMPLETELY VALID !! An amazingly stressful situation for most people never mind if you suffer with anxiety. Don’t make him gaslight you into thinking you’re in the wrong. Bdsm is based on trust and communication. Don’t beat yourself up about this and move on. 🫶🏼
I mean, we don't know what those conversations looked like. If OP is "heartbroken" after 4 days, I'm going to assume it was a very intense time and attachment happened hard and fast. For some people having to constantly reassure over the same thing daily is distressing. We also don't know if this guy was gaslighting, because we don't know what the conversations were like, maybe OP was unwittingly manipulating or their messages came across at manipulation in an unintended way.
Yeah ok I hear you I was just thinking of an online (suspiciously quick 24/7) scenario where OP would feel like it could “ ruin her life” and validating her concerns. He called it quits as it was too much for whatever reason.
People use the term gaslighting very easily and often misunderstandings or people misinterpreting what's been said or written is actually the issue, not gaslighting. I'm in therapy for severe CPTSD from many years of daily gaslighting and it's absolutely the most evil thing.
OP is absolutely valid to feel hurt by this relationship ending, but obviously anyone is allowed to end a relationship for any reason they want
I second this. I also struggle with anxiety and I'm in therapy for it. I tend to ask my dom so many questions, that at this point he knows that I reach out to him if I'm confused or if I'm wondering about something. After a huge number of questions, I apologized and said I'll stop asking questions because I felt like I'm being too much because of my overthinking and it had nothing to do with his actions. He said I'm free to ask him any questions. If I say I have a question, he just responds with ask away. There's been no judgement and no limits to the questions. I've asked him about things happening around me which confused me and he still gave me his view and helped me understand things even when the said things didn't involve him.
It's not your fault! You'll find the right dom for you! 😊
Did you tell him about the anxiety before you agreed to do 24/7? If it is starting to interfere with your interpersonal connections, it may be time to consider therapy to get tools to deal with the anxiety. The wikilinked in the automod comment has a couple links to help find kink-aware professionals.
Definately a broad question. First, in my opinion , I doubt there was much you could have done. If you have anxiety as you state it requires a different form of communication. I have a submissive who is exactly like that . For example, I can’t “hint”’ at things we may be doing to sort of mind fuck her a bit because her anxiety hones in on that and the questions flood in for details. My style had to adjust . She is getting help for her anxiety and tries but fundamentally she can’t change. So I will Leave you with some thoughts.
I assumed you talked with him about your anxiety and how best to handle it with you ? You need to do this . It should be part of your vetting process so you can decide if it’s good match.
If you aren’t getting help for your anxiety I’d urge you to do so. It’s all good . Learning to manage it more effectively will really help you.
You are inexperienced as you stated. You went for a 24/7 dynamic? Thats .. a lot to take in. Your anxiety must have been in overload. Next time, start smaller. Start with say defined play times and ease into things.
I wish you well.
Meeting someone online and jumping into 24/7 when you have no experience is not a smart way to go.
Asking a million questions is important, but your Dom should've been a better guide than allowing you to do 24/7. That's extremely manipulative on his part, and also shows a lack of experience for him.
Go to a kink friendly therapist to work on your anxiety - alone. You have to get your mind and body in a better, emotionally healthier place before bringing anyone else into your life, including a whole new world of bdsm interest that will leave you open and vulnerable to abusers taking advantage of you. Kapprofessionals.org for kink therapists
What could you have done? You're assuming you could have done anything to begin with. This is just another part of life unfortunately, just try to learn the most from this.
"A drama has a progressive thought, an emotional climax and a resolution, but our lives aren’t like that. All we get day after day, are a bunch of vague anxieties that are never really resolved."
Beyond just the anxiety... getting that attached to a 4 days old online relationship is symptomatic of something quite a bit more profound than the more superficial question of ''who is at fault here''. I think the people suggesting therapy are right, it could give you tools to navigate better the way you approach relationships (and your life in general).
I think feeling anxious before jumping into a dynamic for the first time is perfectly legitimate.
And patience is an essential quality for a dominant.
My advice: you did great. Keep trying the patience of any potential dom. Best natural selection to weed out idiots ;)
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this isn't exactly about attachment or moving on
if i don't understand, i will keep repeating the same thing again and again