I am 20Ftm and have been interested in kink for a few years (mostly as a sub) but don't have any experience with it and not a lot of sexual experience. About 7 months ago I met someone (20f) and we became friends. We started making out platonically und also had sex a few times. Only after that did we discover that we were both interested in kink and wanted to try it out together since we seemed to be compatible. We did talk about some fantasies over the phone since we don't live close and when we met up for a few days we tried implementing some things (like biting, hair pulling). Here comes my problem: I really struggle with saying the things I want out loud (I also have physical reactions when I try like cringing away and retreating into myself) (myb because of shame?) I really want to talk more about it with her but especially because I never came when we had sex I feel even more self concious about talking about it. Do you have any tips on how I can overcome this uncomfortable feeling? thank you for any tips that might help :)
(also this is my first post on reddit and Im very nervous pls be nice)
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Try saying it out loud by yourself until you're comfortable with that. Say it over the phone. Then say it in person. Baby steps :)
Say it when you're alone. Write it down. Send a text. Practice communicating by whatever means you can. I went around the house degrading my furniture to get used to saying those words.
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You can message them and plan out a scene through messaging and then do it irl.
When I was younger, I had the same problem, and the solution was that I wrote a message at that time there was no WhatsApp or anything like that, so I wrote on a napkin and let my partner read it. They usually spoke their response, and I responded by writing again after a while. I started speaking out loud, but it was a process. I still remember it starting like that.
It gets easier you just have to do it. It's awkward at first but after a while it just becomes like anything else. I had aversions to certain words or categories of words due to physical abuse as a child and its something I was able to overcome, although it did take many years for me. If its something thats just awkward or cringey to you you'll likey have an easier time you just have to keep trying and not give up even if youre not seeing progress
Start by writing it out. Hell write it out here.
I started with texting. In person I still find it easiest to talk about sex and my desires when I'm not able to look at their face nor they mine. So e.g. when we're spooning. In a car is also a good place - it's private but we're both facing forward so I'm not obligated to make eye contact.