So my partner is veeeeery into bdsm, of being tied up and restrained, and made truly helpless. But most methods we try out are extreemly non-functional for her. Either due to her hand to wrist ratio being so small she can slip right out of any rope bind I make, that is not so tight it restricts bloodflow, and we have tried cuffs, but either the same problem occurs with slippage, or her strenght means she rips the cuff to shreds when she squirms. She is also able to dislocate her shoulders at will without pain too, as once I tried to secure her entire arms with rope and she just slipped right out.
I already had to replace the straps with industrial chain as she have already torn several straps, and the only cuff I have been able to fit her with that does not break is exercise ankle straps that require us to bulk her wrist up with some wrist weights first just so she does not slip out. This all takes so long and is so bulky to set up, that it honestly it takes me right out of the mood. Rope ties can be some of the same as my hand-eye co-ordination issues makes me struggle to tie them properly.
Any advice? For a technique that might work, a rope bind that might solve it, or where to get a pair of wristcuffs that can be made very tight, and also handle probably around 100kg of force without breaking. Cuffs would be my prefered solution, as I personally adore cuffs.
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How about an actual straight jacket 😅 seems like she needs it 😅
That was one of the first things I bought my sub. She literally falls asleep in it.
Might have to look into it then. The ones I looked up really quick was pretty expensive though. So it would have to wait until our ecconomy is stronger.
Dont buy an expensive one to start out. Always buy a cheap, knock off Temu or AliExpress version as a tester. She'll know immediately when its on whether she likes it and you'd be very surprised how solid and durable they are.
Do not buy from your average "Adult Shop" in the UK. The quality is almost always poor and with a little effort you can pop things out super quick.
(And yes if you want ultimate security and comfort , a good Fetter straitjacket is about £850 (USD $1,100) or more but my god you are not getting out of that).
We already tried cheap. We are also not in the UK, but in Sweden. But overall, I do believe this have given us something to think about, and perhaps look around
She needs to play along. Learn the limits of the cuffs and stay within them.
On the rare occasions I let my partner try rope on me, I know I can break out in ten seconds. But I don't because that's not the part of the scene.
We did a play fighting workshop. I could overpower her constantly. Did I? No I played along, resisted the right amount.
Partner in question here:
I wanna be helpless, I like the feeling of being entirely at her mercy. This here was not asked for tbh.
Yes play fighting makes sense to not go all in ofc, but I personally don't want to be able to escape just from me twitching and jerking as I'm getting pleasured.
You still need to play along
I occasionally play with a high level brat and it's wonderful. She fights and fights and I know she could go longer.
But she gives in.
She gets the pleasure of having resisted, getting threats whispered in her ear, fighting back, getting hurt to some degree. But she knows when to be defeated.
A former partner fought and fought and I'd burn myself out and the rest of the scene would suck as I'd spent all my time and energy.
If it is just a case of low quality cuffs then spend about £100 on some. If those are beaten then you won't get any that can contain you.
We don't actually playfight as part of a BDSM scene though, she is an obedient little sub that relaxes and lays down and wait for me to restrain her. Waiting for me to properly secure her so she can not escape.
The issue is she is excessively strong mixed with hypermobility. Some kind of miostatin deficiency I think as she build muscles and strength waaaaay to easily. Along with joints that can just pop out without pain. And that while properly played with literally can not be still. All this together makes her able to break stuff or slip out of them constantly.
And while we would love to find some good high quality cuffs that does not break, we have no idea where to find them. That was partially what this post was about. Directions.
If you're in the UK
Leather Delights, Alt Couture and Big N Buff make high quality wrist, ankle and thigh cuffs.
Alt Couture also have asylum style restraints.
Leather Delights do good hog tie kits.
You will want to, and probably end up spending, £100 for very high strength gear. But with quick release clasps for ease of putting on
All on Fetlife and maybe Etsy
Well, we're not in the UK, but in Sweden. Thanks anyhow. Good to know that I should just try to look for quality shops if we want anything decent. Perhaps we can find a Sweden, or EU based one.
Okay so I should stop enjoying myself? Like I have said I have involuntary jerking of my arms and legs from the pleasuring.
There's no playing it up or anything if anything I'm already trying to move as little as I feasibly can.
Even if you were playing it up... If it is your thing no one has any right to say how you enjoy things and to tell you you enjoy things wrong... 🙄
I have a connective tissue disorder and have the same abilities as your partner. She needs to learn how to keep herself restrained if she wants to. At the end of the day, it’s roleplay. Also, I’m sure you both are, but be careful of positions that make it easy for her to dislocate her shoulder, it can be a fun party trick until the ligaments give out and the shoulder never goes back into place correctly again without surgery.
Yeah, a lot of the time I have had ropes around my wrist and the end is flipped in to my hand to hold.
That's concerning. She have made it clear that she heavily desires to be fully restrained, and does not want to have to act like she is restrained, as that is immersion breaking to her. She already have a lot of mental gymnastics to go through to be comfortable in the first place, BDSM is actually one of the ways to help her with that, and thus being properly restrained is important to her.
But being more conscious about her shoulders is probably something we will have to take into account. She should also probably consider stopping to dislocate her shoulders to prove a point that can just be done with a quick sentence of reminder. She tends to like to remind me of the shoulder looseness by popping them out and in again a few times...
If full restraints are not possible and she keeps getting out, that’s going to have to be a conversation that needs to be had between you two. Nerve damage is not worth a little kinky fun.
And yes, please have her stop dislocating them for fun, it’s really bad for the already (likely) loose ligaments in those areas and can lead to permanent damage. Joints don’t dislocate normally for a reason. I have EDS and used to do party tricks like that when I was younger and now my shoulder slips out all the time, don’t recommend.
I understand. It is not a conversation either of us want to have, but it's a conversation we probably need to have. I am going to feel so fucking awful when we speak about it... Like telling a kid that they can't have a comfort icecream after they were bullied in school... We are going to look around for options first, but it might be a bitter pill we have to swallow.
If you have access to more experienced kinksters in your area/a local kink scene maybe try asking around to them if they have any practical advice for stronger restraints that won’t cause damage. It’s often easier to understand it when people physically show you and you can feel the right amount of tension.
I wish yall the best of luck!
We will consider the local kink scene once we are more confident about about ourselves in general, not just kink wise. Thanks anyhow!
Have you considered that restraining her wrists may not be an option? For example, would thick leather cuffs around her ankles hold? While you need to be cautious to not interfere with breathing, and carefully monitor anyone who is restrained, with creativity you may find positions in which her wrists being free is irrelevant.
Here you go, she will not get out of heavy duty straightjacket:
https://www.etsy.com/fi-en/listing/585667703/black-heavy-duty-straitjacket-costume?ref=shop_home_active_7&frs=1&crt=1&logging_key=f0aeeac502f2f1e1881fb2d61d384e625bc8c62d%3A585667703
I appreciate it, just a little above our budget atm sadly.
Yeah, I understand there's the thrill of realizing you can't escape, but when all options have been exhausted and you still can, well.. then its time to play along. That or a straight jacket. 🙂↕️
Yeah, I suppose that is fair. I did have the idea of getting thick metal manacles to use together with the industrial chain I already bought. Or just have a single karabiner hook keep them together. But I am afraid she will be able to slip out of those too due to her hyper mobility.
When all else fails, she have to learn to play along. But Damn she does not like that idea as it would that ruin the immersion for her. And sadly straight jackets are currently outside of our budget.
I 100% understand the expenses and immersion break.. My newish partner is still learning, so I find myself playing a long more for their sake to learn and grow more confident and yes, its at the cost of my own immersion. But it takes two to tango, and nothing will improve if one is always looking for ways to slip out. 😅
To be honest. I am being dommy more for her sake really. I am pretty sub leaning switch myself. Though she does say I am a dom with confidence issues, which does seem to ring true as on rare days I feel very confident, I feel more able to take charge.
Sadly I do also have decidophobia, so I can get quickly overwhelmed being the dom. When I have to make decisions for the both of us, it makes me quickly get anxious and struggle. Having all decision stripped away and have choices made for you like when you're the one tied up. Now that is absolute heaven.
And no, we have tried to have her be the one to direct me what to do, but that too feels hollow in a way. Like what is the point that she is tied up and at my mercy, if she is still calling the shots? It very quickly broke my immersion and after a bit I ended being so out of the game that I freed her just enough that she could reach her bits and told her to finish herself off. While I sat off to the side and looked at memes. I feel guilty just thinking about it...
Have you had the opportunity to discuss these feelings with her?
I'm sorry, but it's sounding pretty one sided to me if you already have.. These dynamics are a two way street, and if she's not being receptive to your needs as her Domme, than thats just.. not gonna work out any way you slice it.
I wouldn't recommend having her directing you during the scene, but you two should be discussing what needs and expectaions need to be met for both of you before engaging in play. That includes honest discussions about the struggles you're facing in your roles.. like her constantly wriggling out killing your mood, despite your constant efforts to ensure otherwise.
We have done that, we have been talking on how to get things working between us and it's a big struggle. Mostly due to as I was saying, issues that lies entirely with me. Sure there was the top issue that I mentioned and looking for advice and direction for, but my "need" are mostly due to my own preferences clashing with my abilities.
The directed one was a first time try, after all. I struggle to know ahead of time what I like before I have tried it. And she was trying to be helpful in guiding me to what she liked. At least in the moment. It did teach me a few things of what she likes, some of which was only apparent to her in the moment.
We both have issues we are working through, and I suspect between us will be stronger as we solve these issues. Especially body image issues. But at the moment, I was looking for perhaps stronger cuffs or alternatives to handle her strenght and hypermobility. We can take the other stuff slowly, one step at the time.
Sounds like you two have all the nitty gritty worked out ! Thats great to hear :) I think you need legitimate police cuffs at this rate lmaoo best of luck in your hunt!
Have you tried heavy duty zip ties? Also try to find wrist rope that's made to keep them in it if you can, because they're ties they can't get out of, just have to find them
Not tried any specific wrist rope, but any tie I make with the BDSM rope we have at home she slips right out of. As her hands can shrink down to be thin enough to be about as thin as her wrists. If I do not tie ropes tight enough to restrict bloodflow she gets out. As I mentioned in my post.
But if these things are different I would have to look it up.
You might have luck with a shabari type tie that goes up her arm.
Sure, I could try to look that up. I guess I gotta learn my ropes huh? That's going to take a while... As I have always struggled with knots and ties my whole life. Took me years of dedicated effort to learn to tie my shoes...
You mentioned tying rope to not restrict blood flow but that's not a particularly big concern in shibari. We don't usually tie long enough for it to be a problem. What we do consider greatly though is nerves. For example, it can tie as tightly as I want on someone's thighs, honestly as tightly as I can and it's not a problem. You've kinda just got to know where you can tie tightly and where you can't. If you tied on her forearm rather than wrist, tying tighter wouldn't be a big issue. There's some great tutorials for free on YouTube, bondage tuition. And there's a great paid service called Shibari Study.
Also the guy who makes bondage tuition goes through everything in a lot of detail and I've found he's really good at explaining stuff.
I guess I'll look into this. Thanks for the lower arm vs wrist thing.
Also tonnes of people in the rope community have hyper mobility and ehlers danlos syndrome. Myself included. I'd say it's about 50% of my local community have Hypermobility or EDS. Rope is for everyone, disabled or able bodies, skinny or fat. Rope is for EVERYONE!!
Yes, that! In particular, the radial nerve is a bitch. Poor design if you ask me :P
I've had radial nerve shit happen a couple of times and it's so annoying. Like, just go away!!
I know… I’ve done some edgy stuff over the years, but my only fuck up as a top happened while tying someone’s wrists. I wanted to kill myself.
Nerve damage happens to even the most experienced riggers. Even the suspension tops. If a rigger tells you they've never caused nerve damage, they're either lying or haven't been doing it long enough. I've done it, it feels horrible but it happens 🤷
Hmm with time you will get better with knots and stuff. Restricting hands behind both up the elbows and at wrists is quite effective. Binding the legs and just holding hands also fast and good. Specialised full restrictions sets for hands too. Jakets. Full mono gloves.
Well, my eye habd co-ordination might be trained away, but she is hyper mobile and any ties I have tried on multiple spots on arms, just for practice reasons, not during actual play, she slipped right out of super quick due to as I mentioned in the post, her ability to dislocate her shoulders super easily.
Also she is significantly bigger and stronger than me. I have playfully tried to hold her hands with mine, and she just lifted me up and pulled her hands away. We both laughed, then she gave me some consentual-non-consentual handholding and I was really struggling to escape. Whenever I almost slipped out she just shifted her grip and I was stuck again.
I'd get these gloves: https://a.co/d/5zHRDT1
Attach them to this harness: https://a.co/d/gpVNuY0
with simple D rings: https://a.co/d/3ZJ3PFK
Oh well, dating The Hulk has pros and cons…
You know what. This made us both giggle.
My advice would be a straight jacket too. Either leather or canvas.
Don’t forget pallet wrap with an a top layer of duct tape for structural strength.
Hmmm, that sounds fun. Though we were hoping for some stuff that was less once and done (we are quite envirmentally conscious). But definitely is on my bucket list to be mummified like that at least once. Sadly my girlfriend have sensitive skin and get long lasting rash outbreaks from the trapped sweat of stuff like bondage tape or plastic against her skin.
Is part of the play her struggling? Zip ties after making sure you protect her skin?
For me, if my Dom tells me not to move, I don’t move. I love being told what to do, and doing as I’m told. I’m pretty tiny so most things I could escape, but don’t.
The issue isn't that she is srruggling, the issue is that she twitches and make uncontrolled moves when she is played with. Those twitches alone have already destroyed a pair of soft cuffs, some handcuffs, and 2 different chains (even if they were chains that even my extremely weak body can rip if I give it my all). I kind of want to put a pair of cuffs I am not myself a huge fan of in the line of fire next time we play, and just see if her squirming is enough to break them when I have her properly secured with the industrial chain. If she breaks those cuffs I won't be upset anyway.
But also yes, she wants to truly feel like she can't escape. To know, she is entirely at my mercy (except for the safeword). Which does mean she is probably subconsciously fighting the cuffs more than she thinks.
Edit: I forgot to mention, that as for Zipties, I have my reservation about it. As the same as the rope, I am worried about restricting bloodflow while making it tight enough so she can't slip out. But also, I have been struggling to find heavy duty zipties anywhere. There was another application I wanted to have them for, and possibly double up as easy bindings, but I have given up on looking.
Glad wrap/cling film?
Mentioned before, she gets awful rashes with stuff like that.
Have you heard of/tried PVC bondage tape (only sticks to itself, not hair/skin/clothes etc)? I don't know exactly how the material acts because I haven't personally used it, but I wonder if it might be more grippy and stretchy than fabric, which could make it harder to slip through and to tear.
If anyone has experience using it, are those guesses accurate or no?
We actually have a roll of that at home, it actually worked quite well, but it's both an expendable resource, and it caused rashes (due to her sensitive skin).
You could also try cling wrap or this bondage tape stuff.
I guess this would only be a question of how much you use 🤔 if you really mummify her up, there is no getting away anymore 😅
Or maybe make a diy straight jacket? A long sleeve and tie the ends together at the back and then wrap her in cling film 🤣
I'm just shooting ideas maybe you can get creative?
Well, bondage tape actually works really well for restraining the wrists, but the non-breathyness of the materal ends up giving her rash outbreaks that can last over a week.
The DIY jacket is a good idea though. She want to get into sowing, and that way I can order her to make her own restraints~