My husband grabbed me by the throat in a choke hold I immediately moaned but then the next thing you know I was on the ground waking up confused as fuck. I guess he squeezed so hard I passed out he said it was an accident and I want to believe him but how easy is that to make happen? This may not be the right place to ask this so if you have a better recommendation please let me know.
Choking is considered to be edgeplay due to how quickly it can go from fun to passed out. It can also be accidentally lethal.
While there are "safer" methods of breathplay, there is never zero risk. The subreddit wiki has a rather good section under B for Breathplay. I would highly encourage anyone and everyone to read it.
Very, very easy. It's extremely easy to accidentally kill someone this way. Choking is never safe and not to be taken lightly.
I’m terrified now.
You're lucky to be alive after reading about how he did it. IN THE FUTURE if you want to try breathplay, the safest way is with a hand over your mouth and nose. No it's not as "thrilling," but you won't potentially kill someone doing it.
I’m not having him do it again
I’m sorry you had to find out how dangerous it was this way, mainstream media (of all types) treats choking as “light” BDSM when it’s really, really not. It’s dangerous. I hope you can find many more BDSM outlets that have a safety level you’re comfortable with. Please be careful what sources you use to learn about BDSM, as many are dangerously inaccurate as resources.
That’s good. If you haven’t already and you’re able to, you should also seek medical attention and advice. Passing out from hypoxia is never a good thing, and it can cause permanent brain damage. Better to get it checked out.
😳
Don’t worry too much though. I train jiujitsu and people passing out is a regular occurrence. So long as he stopped immediately after you passed out you’ll be fine. It’s if he kept choking afterwards that you’d have issues—which I doubt is the case.
You can put a hand over the throat while restricting the airways of the face to give some of that excitement. (Don't press though, just rest your hand there) For many people this gives a similar thrill
😳
This is not safe. Please read up on breath play before ever attempting any of the sort again.
Put it on hard limit until he reads up on it properly, please before this turns into manslaughter/murder.
We won’t be doing it again
Y'all need to stop casually strangling each other as if it were as safe as holing hands. Seriously. This is how people die.
I'm gonna link you to my comment on a related thread about similar situations.
https://www.reddit.com/nudi9cq?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2
Breath play is insanely dangerous and not a beginner activity, or an activity anyone should realistically be doing.
Edit: Nvm the link won't work so I'll repost the whole thing here
Thank you 🙏🏼
Breath play is a complex, dangerous, and nuanced activity, much more so than most people realize, esp those not well versed in the intricacies of informed BDSM/kink.
There is an incredible risk to any form of breath play that can include major vessel dissection, major vessel aneurysm, clots, strokes, anoxic brain injury, and death. These don't necessarily have to occur in the few minutes, hours, or even days after a single incident of non-fatal strangulation (what breath play actually is). The reality is that damage can occur but not show up in any meaningful way for days, weeks, months, or even years.
You can have a single incident of non fatal strangulation and be fine for months or years, but that potential underlying damage can worsen over time OR contribute to serious harm from an unrelated event.
I work as a critical care paramedic for my day job and also enjoy some fun in my private life. I also have taken a class taught by a forensic nurse who is a legal expert in Intimate Partner Violence (new term for domestic violence). Now while the context of that class was different from consenting fun, the physiology of non-fatal strangulation does not. Consensual or not, the damage can occur regardless.
The way breath play typically works is that the carotid arteries and/or jugular veins are compressed causing a decrease or complete cessation of blood flow (and oxygen) to the brain. This causes the wooziness, euphoria, and darkening vision. It is literally the lack of oxygen to the brain causing the brain to shut down.
Permanent brain damage can occur in as little as 4 minutes without oxygen.Death can occur less than ten minutes later.
It only takes 15-30s to lose consciousness from a lack of oxygen to the brain as well.
That's the Oxygenation aspect of breath play.
The physical act of compressing major vessels that have fairly firm and thick vessel walls creates the risk of an aneurysm (weakening of the vessel wall causing a bulge and potential tear) or dissection (when the layers of the vessel wall separate). Any tear in these large vessels could cause massive internal bleeding and death. Either of these could also cause potential blood clots, break up plaque deposits, become a spot for plaque build up (atherosclerosis), and more. The problem then becomes any of these things like blood clots or plaque can break off and get sent hurtling up into the brain and cause a stroke, or down into the heart where they can cause a pulmonary embolism in the lungs, get stuck in your coronary arteries causing a myocardial infarction (heart attack), or end up somewhere else and cause a deep vein thrombosis affecting one or more limbs or appendages etc.
These don't have to happen immediately. While it's entirely possible for them to happen shortly after an incident of non fatal strangulation, it remains a risk long after.
If you develop high blood pressure, the damage to your carotid/jugular could cause an aneurysm or dissection or stroke. If you suffer some kind of trauma, the already weakened vessels could give way and bleed. You could have high cholesterol and be at higher risk of stenosis of those vessels.
Oh, and this doesn't even begin to touch on the risk of improper hand placement causing the trachea to be crushed instead of compressing the vessels on the sides of the neck.
The point is, there is a LOT more to breath play than "squeeze neck, feel good".
I would not call it a "beginner" activity in the least.
No "contract" you sign with a partner will absolve either of you from legal ramifications if serious harm or death occurs either. Courts will rarely, if ever, recognize a BDSM contract. So even if you had consent, a signed bdsm "contract" etc and engaged in consensual breath play and accidentally caused serious harm or death to your partner you can STILL be held liable and at risk of criminal charges. The partner's family could sue.
There are endless ways for things to go horribly wrong here.
Am I saying to never engage in informed and consensual breath play? No. Obviously there are many potentially dangerous things within kink, like knife play for example, that can result in grevious bodily harm/death.
What I am saying is that the majority of people getting involved in breath play have little to no idea what the reality of what they're doing actually is. They are NOT well informed on the risks of the activity, it's potential consequences, or the legal risks it can entail.
So when I say that whoever has gone so far as to having to RESUSCITATE THEIR PARTNER after breath play is so far down in the category of dangerously uninformed and untrained that they could potentially be criminally charged if their partner so wished it, I mean it without any sarcasm or drama. That is simply inexcusable and puts everyone at risk and makes the community look irresponsible and dangerously deviant.
Well now I’m having a panic attack this is terrifying
No need to panic.. take a few slow deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.
It's a lesson learned. You can always go to the hospital and get evaluated if you're really worried or have residual symptoms etc.
🙏🏼 thank you I am breathing now
No problem. Happy birthday o be of help.. in the future any kink related activity should be researched BEFORE any play occurs and aftercare should be provided after every session.
I have seen many examples of the resuscitation scenario play out with Chinese breath play videos. To the point where it almost seems routine. Slapping the face, the oxygen bottle face masks that force concentrated oxygen in. Always getting the camera focused in on the action before helping her. And giving the minimal amount of resuscitation to bring her back so the reboot is solo. I feel like considering all this is true, about the risks, these videos are out of control.
The link didn’t work
See the above full text post for info
It is extremely easy for that type of play to lead to stroke and other serious side effects, its harm is far too minimised.
It's very easy to make a mistake, so you absolutely need to know what to do - you can not experiment around till you get it right.
The time between everything being fine and you passing out is also very short. When you hold your breath you oxygen depletes relatively linear throughout your body and your lungs still absorb some more than they would normally if you exhaled and take the next breath. But if you cut off the circulation to your brain, it is a comparatively sudden depletion.
I want to address the language.
It doesn't matter if it was an accident. This is not a moral issue. Negligence is sufficient to make you not feel safe. I'd advise you to put up some boundaries until you feel confident that he is doing his homework and has the skills and knowledge to participate in rough play.
We were all noobs at one point. We all make mistakes. I'm sure you'll both figure it out and have some exciting times ahead. Play safe....ish ;)
Thank you 🙏🏼
https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/s/QkmSv0eFCF
This is a really important comment. "We never did."
If you had taken responsibility for your own research, you could have discovered how dangerous it was and removed your consent.
It's so important that both parties work to keep each other and themselves safe. You've learned you cannot rely on your partner. So you must keep yourself safe.
It’s incredibly easy and he needs to squeeze in the proper form and in the appropriate amount. Otherwise, there’s always the potential of crushing your trachea or otherwise suffocating/strangling to the point you don’t wake up.
This implies that there's a proper way to induce hypoxia. There isn't. Any form of strangulation is done with the intent to denying oxygen to the brain, and every time oxygen is denied to the brain there's the risk of death. This is like saying the proper way to play Russian Roulette is to use 1 bullet instead of 5. It can still kill you.
Okay he had me in between his bicep and forearm so I would imagine it was squeezing everything
JESUS CHRIST!!!
I had someone with "long experience" as a Dom do that to me as well, just out of the blue. It was horrible, and my throat/trachea hurt for day afterwards.
Needless to say, I dressed pretty much immidiately, and got the heck out of there. This was a fwb situation, so easy to just stop seeing him, it must so much harder in a LTR.
(I did inform him later exactly where he went wrong, and to never, ever do such a thing again.)
My throat definitely hurts and it’s a terrifying experience. We have kids together so it makes it even harder to just stop immediately being together.
You need to get medical attention. You are still in pain, and issues can still occur much later.
You're extremely lucky to be alive right now. Go to the ER.
It was a few nights ago
He’s suppose to grip the SIDES of your neck with his fingers, only.
Neither strangling the arteries nor the trachea is safe. Gripping the sides of the neck, aka the arteries, could kill you too.
This is such poor advice. Please see our Wiki about the dangers of Breath Play.
Rule 10 applies.
Comment removed.
I told him a few weeks ago when we were messing around that he needed to look up how to do it because it could be dangerous but we never did. 🫠
Y’all ain’t prepared to play. That’s straight up manslaughter levels of negligence. Go back to the drawing board, ASAP.
He’s casually rolling the dice on killing you. If he weren’t your husband, folks would tell you he’s a red flag and to run like hell.
You need to tell him that choking is now a hard limit and is no longer ok under any circumstance. You can revisit this later if he expresses understanding and remorse after educating himself properly, but right now … this is a tragedy waiting to happen.
He’s agreed to not do it anymore
IDC if they're married. She should still run like hell. This is insane behavior from a so-called "dom" and even worse from a husband who presumably vowed to love and care for OP!
While it’s horrifyingly reckless behavior, OP didn’t say anything that suggests he was trying to hurt her or make her pass out. I’m not giving him a pass, but if it’s an honest mistake from a clueless person you’re married to who isn’t aware of their own strength, I don’t agree one should immediately jump to divorce unless that’s what OP feels is the right move for her safety. Had OP and him discussed whether she wanted to be choked and what safe techniques would look like, or were they rookies unknowingly playing with fire? We don’t know.
His reaction after she woke would tell us a lot more, but we don’t have that info either. It’s good he immediately agreed to never choke her again. (If he ever “slipped up” and tried to choke her after, I’d agree she should exit immediately.) But we have almost zero details; was he shocked and full of fear and remorse when she passed out, or did he try to brush it off and act like it was no big deal? Does he understand now how big a responsibility he carries in acting as a dom? Without us knowing more info, OP will have to listen to her gut
This should get more upvotes.
...girl, run. He literally doesn't care if he accidentally kills you. Leave. Don't look back. Find someone better. This person is not safe.
What makes you jump to this conclusion? Sounds to me like it was a very reckless, naive mistake to me... Unless I am missing something? Mistakes happen. If it happens again, that is another story entirely.
🥲
Is he new to it, 🧐 that's super dangerous.
I’d say we learned that the hard way.
Please do not learn like that, you could have died. You both need to stop kink and everything for a minimum 1 month, this mistake needs to be ingrained into his mind. And yours, also never let anyone choke you without very clear preparation and talk plus practise the move without choking, and at least a bit before the scenes.
I won’t be letting anyone choke me again. And thank you for the advice about stopping for a month. That’s a good idea.
Your welcome, and what you do and allow is yours only to decide. Practice everything new with yourself first before with anyone else, so you can more easily know what your limits are and what needs communicating. Hope you don't get disturbed by all the messages and replays, and can take a time to ground yourself before confrontation.
Thank you 🙏🏼 I truly appreciate your help
search up "choking" on this subreddit.
this unacceptable behaviour from your dom. there is no excuse for this.
He had no idea how fast a blood joke works. A rear naked choke is not like me choking you by blocking your airways. It cuts off the flow of blood to the brain. With an air choke the blood with oxygen in it, is still circulating. One is very slow, the other is very quick. Three seconds usually does it.
I’m really glad you’re okay. That must have been terrifying to wake up confused like that. To answer your question: yes, it’s very easy to accidentally cause someone to pass out with a chokehold, especially if you don’t know proper technique. The fact that you told him weeks ago to look up how to do it safely and he didn’t, then tried it anyway - that’s the real problem here. I don’t think he was trying to hurt you. But I do think he needs to understand that “not meaning to hurt you” isn’t enough when you’re doing something that can literally kill you in seconds if done wrong. Before you do this again (if you do): Make breathplay a hard stop until both of you research it together. Look up proper technique - it should be pressure on the sides of the neck (carotid arteries), never the front (trachea). Learn the warning signs, how fast things can go wrong, what to do in an emergency. Set up non-verbal safety signals. You can’t safeword when you can’t breathe. You need a tap-out system he watches for constantly. When you start again, start light. Like, way lighter than you think. Build up slowly as he demonstrates he can read your signals and stop immediately when needed. Your body isn’t something he gets to experiment on without doing his homework first. Breathplay is about trust, and trust with something this dangerous has to be earned through demonstrated knowledge and care - not just assumed because you’re married. You both got lucky this time. Please don’t roll those dice again without being prepared.
I don’t think it will ever happen again. It was absolutely terrifying. I wasn’t well mentally for the first 24 hours. Still not great but better. I normally do tap but this time it went so fast I was out like a second after I moaned.
Well, it IS easy, but so is accidentally driving into oncoming traffic on the freeway. My point is, “choking out” is incredibly dangerous and unacceptable even as a mistake. I
choking is more about restraining”and not stoping” the blood flow through the neck veins without blocking the airways it should make you lightheaded and that’s it
There is no safe way to do this.
Interrupting blood flow to the brain and any applications of pressure to the major vessels of the neck are both extremely dangerous.
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the amount of misinformation in this thread is astounding
Okay. So as someone who likes choking but doesn't want to risk it anymore due to health issues, you can get the same effect by doing this, have him use the same grip, but around your chin. Safer, and you get the same "Oooooh." factor without much worry.
Thank you it’s probably not going to be something I enjoy anymore though
Understandable, love. Just try not to let this put you off trying other new things. Chalk this one up to "Okay, guess this isn't for me.", and try to maybe enjoy something else that doesn't have a worry factor. There are a TON of other dom/powerplay things that don't involve breath control or even physical risk. big hugs to you and sending good energy.
Thank you! I think I’m just still traumatized from the situation and need to take a small break.
Super easy. Sounds like he got your carotid arteries (the ones that run up your neck to supply oxygen and blood to the brain) and in 3 to 5 seconds, you are unconscious. If this is a new activity......you all might want to slow down some. It can be dangerous really qickly.
You could just eliminate it from the roster. I would if someone did that to me or if I accidentally choked someone. There is plenty of other spicy or edgy stuff to play around with
Chocking on neck can kill. Never allow him to touch your neck. If your husband is really into chocking then chock his privates
Your husband doesn't know how to properly choke you.
That makes it dangerous.
Bottom line: People shouldn't engage in techniques that they are not competent at.
While I concur with your bottom line, there is no "proper way" that magically makes it not dangerous. There is always a level of risk with choking. People need to make informed decisions knowing the risks of depriving oxygen to the brain in all forms. There is a range of less risky to lethal risk.
As I pinned at the top of the entire comment thread, the wiki has a beautiful section on breathplay. We have it there for a reason.
This is true- the most you can do is minimize the risk.
There is no way to minimize the risks when it comes to non-fatal strangulation.
Any application of force/pressure to the major vessels is an extreme risk.
There is no way to minimize the risks when it comes to non-fatal strangulation.
Any application of force/pressure to the major vessels is an extreme risk.
Choking is dangerous and easy to do wrong. Get some education on it and it can be done safer.
There is really no "right" way to strangle someone
There are safer ways to choke people. It doesn’t make it inherently safe, it is always dangerous to do any form of breath play.
What is the "safer" way to choke someone?
Most people don’t know how to choke someone the proper way in an erotic context. As a guy I choke my partners at times, and they all love it and it never goes wrong. I’m a big guy as well. Sounds like he doesn’t really know how to do it properly.
It sounds like you also don't know much about it.Obligatory link to our subreddit wiki entry on choking. A lot of people try this without realising how dangerous it is and it's tempting to escalate and try doing it harder if you've had a good time before. But choking can cause permanent irreparable damage to the windpipe/trachea, it can cause permanent cognitive damage due to lack of oxygen, it can cause a stroke and it can kill the person being choked. These things can happen fast/without any warning. Being okay the last time doesn't mean the next time will also be fine. I would hate to see someone end up in jail on a murder charge and that is an entirely possible outcome of choking. You're all adults so if you decide that you want to keep choking do so, but make sure all of you are fully aware of and consenting to all the risks.
👏
I don’t know how to do it properly? And you base this on what? Are you there when I’m intimate with people? Did I describe in any way how I do it?
No. So it makes no sense you saying this.
I’m very aware it can be dangerous and that is why I do it with ‘care’. If you know how to do it properly it can be very hot for both and you don’t need to be worried about your partner passing out etc.
What I am saying is there is no "proper way" to do this safely. You can definitely do it in a more or less risky way but it remains a high risk activity.
This only reinforces the perspective that you don't actually understand the intricacies of what you're talking about.
How do you "carefully" strangle someone?
By understanding anatomy, applying pressure at the right place, and doing it just long enough to achieve the desired effect without hurting someone
Okay... Please continue with your explanation.
What anatomy, what's the right place,, and how long are you saying is long enough to have the desired effect without hurting someone?
The right place is basically applying some pressure right below the submental triangle on the frontal angle. basically right below the jawline, with the hand held in a V shape, then pushing up applying light pressure.
Only a light bit of pressure is already enough to create the asphyxiation experience without damage. It's very dangerous to choke someone on the sides, low, or mid part of the neck. That's the retard way to do it.
Long enough is literally a couple of seconds.
All my partners loved it. Never any issues. I make sure to kiss and cuddle them extra after the deed so they feel safe and protected.