Hello,
I (28F) been with my BF (29M) for 4 years now. We met when I came to the Netherlands to study and he was already working.
We've had a great relationship at first, went on vacations together, had a great connection and saw each other quite a lot.
One and a half year ago, we started living together and it was great at first, we had the time of our life.
Last year, he decided to go back to studying an extra master (evening classes) to advance his career, and has since drastically less free time. That means in the last year we've had much less time to ourself. We went from doing something together every other day to maybe once per week. We no longer go on vacations together either because he decided to take some extra vacation days to study (but he did go on vacation on a planned trip with his friends!).
I know he has a lot of work, but I feel myself getting more and more distant from him.
When I broached the subject, we ended up having a low key fight, with me saying he should spend more quality time and make more efforts about planning things with me, and him saying I am not supportive in a period where he has much more on his plate than I have (I am working a regular 9-5 job).
We've also had reccurent fights about subjects we can't agree on : mainly about :
1) When to plan on having children. I'd like to start in a year or two (when he's done with his master) and he wants to wait a few more years to "enjoy life and travel more".
2) Language barrier : he repproaches me for not learning dutch and thus having a hard time integrating with his family and friends (some of whom don't speak english or a completely broken english), and I'm telling him I'll learn Dutch when he starts learning my langage. (I don't need Dutch in my day to day life or for my job and we communicate in English). His defense is that "I am in a Dutch speaking country, this is the best opportunity to learn Dutch" and that "he doesn't have enough time to learn a new language now". Why would I be the only one doing an effort to learn his language ?
In the 4 years of relationship, I've always been faithful and turned down any attempt at flirting from other guys, but lately I've been less direct in rejecting offers. Particularly there is a guy (32M) at work who is regularly flirting with me, telling me about all the fun adventures he took his previous gfs, and I haven't shut him down. He's quite attractive and very fun to be around and would I be single, i'd definitely give him a chance. But I'm not single and I value my BF and the relationship we've built, but I can't help thinking what if ?
I am lost and I don't quite know what to do. How can I know if this is temporary or if I should consider this is the relationship ending ?
tl;dr : My BF (29M) has become much less available due to studies/work and I (28F) am feeling more distant and starting thinking "what ifs" despite myself. How can I know if this is temporary ?
maybe the relationship has ran its course and you two are no longer compatible. “a year or two” is still a long time before he completes his masters… that’s a year or two of waiting on him.
26-year-old male in the US here I think I would start with approaching him during his studies and maybe offering the snack or something sexual that he doesn't have to partake in as far as action and then another thing as far as the language goes study together make it a game make it a competition you know who can learn more words faster at the other ones language and then on the point of children maybe come together with a plan of a the year after he's done studying you guys spent the whole year going on trips start saving for it now and go on cruises go on vacations go sightseeing do that for a whole year and then after that start trying for a kid while studying what you can still go do with them there's plenty of countries that are safe for young children to travel with their parents and set aside a family vacation fund so that way you don't feel like you're having to wait so long for children and he doesn't feel like he's losing the freedom and fun of traveling because of children I hope this helps.