He's still this way but he's really avoidant. If he's having a feeling, he shuts down. I can feeeeeel the cloud around him. I used to spiral wondering if I did something to upset him and wracking my brain trying to figure it out and make it better. It would ruin my entire day. But I stopped caring so much and do my own thing until he says something. I didn't stop caring exactly but I will check in and say something like "hey you seem off today. Is everything good?" And he usually responds with a short and grumpy "I'm fine". I can't read his mind. If he's upset with me, he can be an adult and tell me. I won't tolerate being treated badly but I've just started letting him be in his feelings and giving him space instead of trying to make it better and take on the feelings. It doesn't ruin my days anymore
It took me a long time to learn this, too. I feeeeel people's energy so easily and it has caused me a lifetime of stress. It comes from growing up in a dysfunctional and volatile household, for me. It's taken me years to stop holding my breath when others are in a bad mood around me. But like you, I've learned that if my husband isn't going to communicate his feelings, it's not my job to figure them out.
I grew up the same. I'm sooo empathic now. I got tired of walking on eggshells and I got tired of someone else's mood ruining my days. When I feel like I'm picking up other people's energy, I visualize us as two candle flames and I make sure the flame light does not touch. If I feel like the lights are intermingling, I make sure there's a separation in my imagination. It makes me feel better
My boyfriend will try to shut down his negative feelings, but his nervous laughter gives it away every time. I even pointed out that he tends to laugh off his feelings and he had another bout of nervous laughter for being that seen. He’s not very good at hiding things, which is a good thing imo.
Does he open up when you bring things up like that? Or does being seen make him shut down even more? My husband tends to stonewall and blame shift. He thinks he's hiding his feelings or dealing with them by avoiding them. It's too painful to look at them and take accountability. But it's even more painfully obvious to everyone around him that he's having big feelings by doing that
Oh no, he does open up. He doesn’t want to seem like a whiner or be an overly negative person or burden me with anything. He’s had some really rough experiences, so I’m grateful that he feels safe with me.
That's great! You must be a safe space for him! Those are relationship goals. I try so hard to be a safe space and continually show my husband I'm a safe space to open up and he just won't. I know it stems from bad experiences in the past but it really blocks emotionally intimacy. That's a treasure that you have that with your boyfriend!
I like your approach on this, and personally this is how I want my partner to respond. Sometimes I just need to be alone but am bad at communicating that properly, or in a way where they don't get hurt or think it's about them.
Because it's usually not about them, but if someone is poking and prodding while I am already flustered/irritable/etc, it can end up directed towards them.
Sometimes it's just space and time that we need, and I don't want my bad day to make someone else's worse
That makes sense! Unfortunately my husband usually is mad at me for something I did but won't talk to me about it or tell me what I did. But he gets space either way because I can't tolerate that! I definitely don't poke or prod him. I'll give him one "hey you seem upset and I'm here if you want to talk about it" and then I move on. I want him to know I'm a safe space and I also deserve to know what I did so I can apologize and change my behavior if i unknowingly did something to upset him. I never intentionally hurt him. I wish he'd at least give me a "yeah I'm upset but I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I need some space". However, it doesn't work the other way around. I can't share my feelings with him if he upsets me because he gets defensive and turns it around on me. The dynamic does not make for a healthy relationship but I find my own peace in giving him space and doing my own things
Hey! It sounds like you guys have the exact same dynamic that my husband and I have. It's a learning experience and maybe twice a year it really gets to me, but overall I understand why he is the way he is and I see him making an effort to listen and speak about feelings when push comes to shove, so I overall accept it. I understand why he is so repressed as well - the aspects of his life that have led him to be this way - which helps too. If you ever want to talk to someone who understands, my DMs are open.
Going through this very thing right now. It’s frustrating bc I don’t know if he’s upset with me or not, and he tends to stay silent and very grumpy for days. But sometimes I’ll say something that inadvertently upsets him during a causal conversation and he shuts down. Often takes me by surprise and is a challenge to work through
Unfortunately you can't know he's upset with you if he won't talk to you. It's so hard when you feel like you're constantly triggering them. I tried to be so careful with my words and approach and nothing helped. My therapist always told me that it didn't matter what I said or did. He wasn't looking for a solution when he's like that. So I stopped trying! I give a little "hey you seem upset and I'm here if you want to talk about it" and then I move on and give space and do my own thing and pretend he's not mad at me. We can't do anything about it if they won't talk to us. I usually have no idea what I even did. Because sometimes he'll get mad at me about a false assumption he made. Or a common pattern is that I'll ask him to do something with me and then he get mads at me because he felt forced into it and didn't want to. But I couldn't have guessed that when he agrees on my first ask and he's responsible for his own behavior. So I've stopped asking. Because that pattern continued even when I'd say "hey do you want to go for a walk, you can say no I'm just inviting you in case you felt like a walk". And then I'd get stonewalled for the day out of nowhere. Anyways, all that to say, I've found helpful resources online for being in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant. I won't tolerate any abuse that comes with it though and he knows I'll leave if he does keep using emotionally abuse tactics
Can’t express how much I appreciate you sharing your experience. It’s relieving to know I’m not alone and others have gone through similar challenges. It’s more recent I’ve adopted a similar mindset to what you describe, but is internally emotionally challenging. Was accustomed to talking in my last relationship and this one is wildly different. All this to say am working on modifying my behaviours… to an extent. Not willing to loose myself in the process so I have my own boundaries (and sounds like you do as well)
Yes, boundaries are so important. I did lose myself for awhile but I'm back now lol and therapy keeps me sane. Working on myself and my own behavior has been huge and has inadvertently improved the dynamic and changed some of his behavior too. But it hasn't been easy. If things had continued as they did then I would have left the relationship. But of course I love the guy so much that I want so badly for it to work out
I'm being completely honest, I've done this for 9 years! If he was upset it would ruin my whole day and I used to get really upset about it, and I would literally sit in bed all day and be emotional because he was angry or upset! I don't do that anymore, I literally just leave him to be. I'm not letting him ruin my days anymore, what a waste!
He left flossers and sparkling water cans all over the house. I just accepted it as a character flaw, and don’t mind cleaning up after him now. This isn’t the hill I want to die on. He “cleans” up after me in other ways. Like making sure we get the most out of our hsa benefits, making sure our taxes are done correctly, and our property taxes are paid on time. Or even unclogging the drains because I’m sick and wasn’t able to make it to the toilet and vomited in the sink.
I don't mean to be too nitpicky. My point is that a person's "character" is his or her moral integrity. Whether or not someone is messy or leaves an empty can laying around does not amount to a moral or ethical dilemma, and does not reflect a person's character (integrity, honesty, etc.)
Since you ARE being nitpicky, then fine, let me define it for you. You are defining the word “character flaw” into your own definition of moral integrity as opposed to the literary one, which is how I meant it. Character flaws are separated into 3, minor, major and fatal flaws (Hamartia) in literature. I am calling this one a minor flaw. Happy?!
I understand. Point taken. I didn't consider the literary definition of a character flaw -- as in the flaw of a fictional person. I was thinking of the dictionary's definition #1 of a person's character: the distinctive mental, ethical, and moral qualities, habits, and values that guide their actions, thoughts, and behavior, defining their inner moral compass and reputation. I would not have thought that leaving an empty can laying around would denote a flaw in a person's moral compass.
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Great to recognize division of labor. A little cringy to characterize his actions as a "character flaw." Would it be fair to characterize anything you do that he cleans up as a "character flaw"? (And I totally empathize -- I'm the one who's always cleaning up the empties and stuff that my SO just sets down without thinking, we've been when a garbage can is two feet away. But this is not a "character flaw".)
Why nitpick this? I mean honestly. She calls it a character flaw. What healthy relationship would take offense to that? Not everything needs to be analyzed for possibly being offensive.
Yes, I recognize my own character flaws and foibles. And understand that my own character flaws can cause strife in a relationship. That is the definition of a character flaw. If that makes me cringy to acknowledge that? Then go ahead and call me cringy.
Leaving cabinets open. He does so much cleaning and organizing that it’s not like he’s a slob or anything. Ive accepted that sometimes I just have to close a cabinet because he’ll forget. It’s really not a big deal lol
I know this is AskWomen, and I am man - so usually keep quiet, but this one made me laugh.
My wife does this, and she will put caps on bottles and not screw them on ( so I would pick them up by the top and drop the bottle ). It drove me crazy.
But now, I just close the cupboards and screw the lids on. Cupboards will be multiple times while we are cooking dinner.
Now I love it. It’s part of what makes her unique to me in the world, and a place where our jigsaw puzzles pieces just fit together.
Putting all dirty dishes in the sink. I hated having to clear out the sink before I could wash dishes, I washed by hand. I'd do anything to have these conversations with him now. He passed quite a few years ago.
My boyfriend also put dishes in a crazy order. Like a plate will just be horizontal, not standing up in the rack. Like why!? It’s designed for plates to stand up. Instead, he just balances them precariously on top of all the poles? It’s mayhem in there.
His first response used to almost always negative. Go out to dinner? Nah. 2 hours later, we should go out to dinner. Want to see a movie? No. This movie stays at 8, we should go, Great idea buddy!
All the time, about almost anything. He’s gotten much much better. Once I started joking about how I could get him to do anything by simply suggesting it and then waiting for it to be his idea I think he realized how shitty it was. Or how easy it was to manipulate him I guess. Anyway, he’s better now.
By understanding why he’s like that and talking to him about it. Making it clear that it’s not ok and expecting and seeing change. Like people in a partnership do.
I guess, but really it sounds like he likes the control, and likes doing the decision making in your relationship therefore your thoughts and opinions don't matter?
But live you life sis- hopefully he turns it around!
Working all the time. He’s blue collar so it’s really hard to make plans, no set schedule, works 6-7 days a week.. I didn’t stop “caring” I just accepted that this is how it is and just cherish and stay grateful for the time we do get to spend together!
The only thing that sticks out is one who talked about his job all the time. Eventually he only wanted to watch shows and movies that related to it. It drove me insane. I stopped caring when I broke up with him.
He was a mental health counselor so everything he wanted to watch revolved around mental health. Then he got a new job as a crisis counselor with a police department and it was all about real crime shows. The relationship ended very quickly after that, for multiple reasons.
His driving. He speeds at random times and goes super slow sometimes, all while having near constant road rage at people who drive the same way as he does. At first I was vocal about how it bothered me, but that just made it worse. Now I hardly notice. It's just the way he is and I love him so whatevs
Mine just cannot see the beard hairs in the bathroom sink after he shaves. It’s the most incredible selective blindness. It drove me up the wall for the longest time….. but I really like Dan Savage’s formulation for these little things. It’s the “price of admission” for being with him. Am I will to pay that price? Yes, bc he is a wonderful person and great husband. I’d rather be with him and have beard hairs in the sink than be without him.
Best part is entering the bathroom after a beard-trimming and asking, "Hey can you clean up your beard hairs?" and hearing, "I did!" 😐 Well, an attempt was made at least lol.
I like the "price of admission" concept. We all have our...quirks.
He won't listen to my advice . He will go online to check it out. While I am standing there. I do not give advice. It still low-key bothers me, but it's getting better. I chuckle when I am right.
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He won't clean things unless they visibly look dirty. If I ask when the last time he cleaned the shower is, it's probably been months, because "the water washes everything down the drain".
I stopped nagging because it just means I am now doing more work by tracking his cleaning habits and then "supervising" him. I clean the house on a schedule and have accepted I am the person who will do the majority of the cleaning. Though, since we have two bathrooms and use separate showers, his gets less attention by me because I also think he deserves to live in the mess he cares not to see. Same with his office.
He doesn’t throw things away when it absolutely belongs in the trash. It’s annoying, especially when he puts dishes in the sink with wrappers inside. Soggy soapy garbage irritates me, but it’s not worth the fight.
My husband says "but" at the end of sentences where he is offering a counterpoint. "She was fairly elected but." It always bothered me and I would reply, "but what?" But I stopped saying that and now I just accept it is his quirky way of talking. He's also a slob.
ETA We are Americans and it's not a common way to phrase things here
Robot vacuum, you can set it up so it vacuums the house while you’re out. The older models would follow a set path, so you have to make sure nothing is on the floor for it to get stuck on or smear.
My husband used to get off work and clean. Didn’t matter if I had cleaned alll day long but he would get off work and pick up one tiny thing on the ground and it would offend me like did I not do good enough? Now I just don’t care and sometimes I don’t clean at all. He chooses to clean on all his free time I’m sick of feeling like I have to too so I just don’t. Don’t get me wrong I do all the laundry and I clean the toilets and showers etc I just don’t make sure it’s spotless the second he gets off.
Being pretty immovable and mostly unaffected by most things. I used to accuse him of not caring, now I just accept that he doesn’t put excess worry into things that don’t necessitate it. It’s actually rubbed off on me a lot and helps me be a much less anxious person.
when he hangs up he sings his goodbye. used to really annoy me in the beginning and sometimes id be embarrassed if we were in public. But now I dont even notice it
My husband eats one thing at a time. If he gets fries, a burger and shake. He eats fries first, then the burger and last the shake. Same thing with a steak and sides. He hates mixing food. He has to completely finish one item begore he goes on to the next item.
Why did it bother me? Because I feel like his food was getting cold because he refused to eat them as a whole and eat everything fresh. It was more a reflection on me and needing to control everything. Therapy helped.
The way my husband loads the dishwasher. He thinks bowls get cleaned better if they are on the top rack. So, the top rack is filled with bowls, mugs, glasses, and random utensils. There's very little on the bottom rack, but the top racked is absolutely jammed so nothing really gets that clean to be honest. I used to bring it up to him but he is adamant his way is better. When he isn't looking I space everything out amongst the racks so at least it has a chance lol. It's not worth getting into an argument over so I just do it quietly and then forget about it.
Leaving his shoes, socks, and belt in the living room. Whatever. I move his shoes/belt and throw the socks in the hamper. Here's the thing, we all do something that drives the other one crazy, no matter how considerate we think we all are. I have a tendency to leave my dirty clothes on the floor in the bathroom all day or until whatever time I'm like, "oh shit, I should pick those up." So, not a hill I want to die on.
he’s a messy eater and i never wouldve thought that i would find that to be a cute thing about somebody. i just love the way he enjoys life, uninhibited. doesn’t care about things that dont matter. he has great manners, he’s not a slob. but his messy eating is cute
Leaving the toilet seat up. We bickered over it for the longest time and I decided eventually it wasn’t worth my energy. Now I am ~free~ (it still annoys me sometimes)
Wanting to eat takeaways/eat out for lunch and dinner every day and not cooking. Always junk too...
Not vaccuming (he had a long haired cat...)
Not cleaning the shower even when it had visible mould
Not cleaning the toilet after soiling it...😶
Cleaning the cat litter box...but dumping fresh litter on top without washing out the actual box, so there was a constant cat pee smell...
When doing laundry, hanging clothes up to dry on top of each other so they wouldn't dry properly and then would get that 'wet laundry not dried properly' smell
Has a weird accent, not ambitious, passive about most things, kind of loud and awkward. Okay yikes do i not like this man - but he is kind, consistent, considerate and smart. Brb may jump out of a window
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His forgetfulness - as it relates to hygiene. It repulsed me at the start and we had to take a break. To be fair back then he didn’t wear deodorant because he read it was bad for you, and he now does, and cologne. Still forgets to brush his teeth, shower etc though. Neurodivergent as f husband
He's still this way but he's really avoidant. If he's having a feeling, he shuts down. I can feeeeeel the cloud around him. I used to spiral wondering if I did something to upset him and wracking my brain trying to figure it out and make it better. It would ruin my entire day. But I stopped caring so much and do my own thing until he says something. I didn't stop caring exactly but I will check in and say something like "hey you seem off today. Is everything good?" And he usually responds with a short and grumpy "I'm fine". I can't read his mind. If he's upset with me, he can be an adult and tell me. I won't tolerate being treated badly but I've just started letting him be in his feelings and giving him space instead of trying to make it better and take on the feelings. It doesn't ruin my days anymore
It took me a long time to learn this, too. I feeeeel people's energy so easily and it has caused me a lifetime of stress. It comes from growing up in a dysfunctional and volatile household, for me. It's taken me years to stop holding my breath when others are in a bad mood around me. But like you, I've learned that if my husband isn't going to communicate his feelings, it's not my job to figure them out.
I grew up the same. I'm sooo empathic now. I got tired of walking on eggshells and I got tired of someone else's mood ruining my days. When I feel like I'm picking up other people's energy, I visualize us as two candle flames and I make sure the flame light does not touch. If I feel like the lights are intermingling, I make sure there's a separation in my imagination. It makes me feel better
I'm working on this myself! Really trying to get past the "everything is my fault" that got hammered into me as a child.
That's awesome that you're working on yourself! Most people go their entire lives without doing that
thank you!
My boyfriend will try to shut down his negative feelings, but his nervous laughter gives it away every time. I even pointed out that he tends to laugh off his feelings and he had another bout of nervous laughter for being that seen. He’s not very good at hiding things, which is a good thing imo.
Does he open up when you bring things up like that? Or does being seen make him shut down even more? My husband tends to stonewall and blame shift. He thinks he's hiding his feelings or dealing with them by avoiding them. It's too painful to look at them and take accountability. But it's even more painfully obvious to everyone around him that he's having big feelings by doing that
Oh no, he does open up. He doesn’t want to seem like a whiner or be an overly negative person or burden me with anything. He’s had some really rough experiences, so I’m grateful that he feels safe with me.
That's great! You must be a safe space for him! Those are relationship goals. I try so hard to be a safe space and continually show my husband I'm a safe space to open up and he just won't. I know it stems from bad experiences in the past but it really blocks emotionally intimacy. That's a treasure that you have that with your boyfriend!
I like your approach on this, and personally this is how I want my partner to respond. Sometimes I just need to be alone but am bad at communicating that properly, or in a way where they don't get hurt or think it's about them.
Because it's usually not about them, but if someone is poking and prodding while I am already flustered/irritable/etc, it can end up directed towards them.
Sometimes it's just space and time that we need, and I don't want my bad day to make someone else's worse
That makes sense! Unfortunately my husband usually is mad at me for something I did but won't talk to me about it or tell me what I did. But he gets space either way because I can't tolerate that! I definitely don't poke or prod him. I'll give him one "hey you seem upset and I'm here if you want to talk about it" and then I move on. I want him to know I'm a safe space and I also deserve to know what I did so I can apologize and change my behavior if i unknowingly did something to upset him. I never intentionally hurt him. I wish he'd at least give me a "yeah I'm upset but I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I need some space". However, it doesn't work the other way around. I can't share my feelings with him if he upsets me because he gets defensive and turns it around on me. The dynamic does not make for a healthy relationship but I find my own peace in giving him space and doing my own things
Hey! It sounds like you guys have the exact same dynamic that my husband and I have. It's a learning experience and maybe twice a year it really gets to me, but overall I understand why he is the way he is and I see him making an effort to listen and speak about feelings when push comes to shove, so I overall accept it. I understand why he is so repressed as well - the aspects of his life that have led him to be this way - which helps too. If you ever want to talk to someone who understands, my DMs are open.
Going through this very thing right now. It’s frustrating bc I don’t know if he’s upset with me or not, and he tends to stay silent and very grumpy for days. But sometimes I’ll say something that inadvertently upsets him during a causal conversation and he shuts down. Often takes me by surprise and is a challenge to work through
Unfortunately you can't know he's upset with you if he won't talk to you. It's so hard when you feel like you're constantly triggering them. I tried to be so careful with my words and approach and nothing helped. My therapist always told me that it didn't matter what I said or did. He wasn't looking for a solution when he's like that. So I stopped trying! I give a little "hey you seem upset and I'm here if you want to talk about it" and then I move on and give space and do my own thing and pretend he's not mad at me. We can't do anything about it if they won't talk to us. I usually have no idea what I even did. Because sometimes he'll get mad at me about a false assumption he made. Or a common pattern is that I'll ask him to do something with me and then he get mads at me because he felt forced into it and didn't want to. But I couldn't have guessed that when he agrees on my first ask and he's responsible for his own behavior. So I've stopped asking. Because that pattern continued even when I'd say "hey do you want to go for a walk, you can say no I'm just inviting you in case you felt like a walk". And then I'd get stonewalled for the day out of nowhere. Anyways, all that to say, I've found helpful resources online for being in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant. I won't tolerate any abuse that comes with it though and he knows I'll leave if he does keep using emotionally abuse tactics
Can’t express how much I appreciate you sharing your experience. It’s relieving to know I’m not alone and others have gone through similar challenges. It’s more recent I’ve adopted a similar mindset to what you describe, but is internally emotionally challenging. Was accustomed to talking in my last relationship and this one is wildly different. All this to say am working on modifying my behaviours… to an extent. Not willing to loose myself in the process so I have my own boundaries (and sounds like you do as well)
Yes, boundaries are so important. I did lose myself for awhile but I'm back now lol and therapy keeps me sane. Working on myself and my own behavior has been huge and has inadvertently improved the dynamic and changed some of his behavior too. But it hasn't been easy. If things had continued as they did then I would have left the relationship. But of course I love the guy so much that I want so badly for it to work out
I'm being completely honest, I've done this for 9 years! If he was upset it would ruin my whole day and I used to get really upset about it, and I would literally sit in bed all day and be emotional because he was angry or upset! I don't do that anymore, I literally just leave him to be. I'm not letting him ruin my days anymore, what a waste!
Oh, me too!!!
He left flossers and sparkling water cans all over the house. I just accepted it as a character flaw, and don’t mind cleaning up after him now. This isn’t the hill I want to die on. He “cleans” up after me in other ways. Like making sure we get the most out of our hsa benefits, making sure our taxes are done correctly, and our property taxes are paid on time. Or even unclogging the drains because I’m sick and wasn’t able to make it to the toilet and vomited in the sink.
I don't mean to be too nitpicky. My point is that a person's "character" is his or her moral integrity. Whether or not someone is messy or leaves an empty can laying around does not amount to a moral or ethical dilemma, and does not reflect a person's character (integrity, honesty, etc.)
Since you ARE being nitpicky, then fine, let me define it for you. You are defining the word “character flaw” into your own definition of moral integrity as opposed to the literary one, which is how I meant it. Character flaws are separated into 3, minor, major and fatal flaws (Hamartia) in literature. I am calling this one a minor flaw. Happy?!
I understand. Point taken. I didn't consider the literary definition of a character flaw -- as in the flaw of a fictional person. I was thinking of the dictionary's definition #1 of a person's character: the distinctive mental, ethical, and moral qualities, habits, and values that guide their actions, thoughts, and behavior, defining their inner moral compass and reputation. I would not have thought that leaving an empty can laying around would denote a flaw in a person's moral compass.
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Great to recognize division of labor. A little cringy to characterize his actions as a "character flaw." Would it be fair to characterize anything you do that he cleans up as a "character flaw"? (And I totally empathize -- I'm the one who's always cleaning up the empties and stuff that my SO just sets down without thinking, we've been when a garbage can is two feet away. But this is not a "character flaw".)
Why nitpick this? I mean honestly. She calls it a character flaw. What healthy relationship would take offense to that? Not everything needs to be analyzed for possibly being offensive.
Yes, I recognize my own character flaws and foibles. And understand that my own character flaws can cause strife in a relationship. That is the definition of a character flaw. If that makes me cringy to acknowledge that? Then go ahead and call me cringy.
Leaving cabinets open. He does so much cleaning and organizing that it’s not like he’s a slob or anything. Ive accepted that sometimes I just have to close a cabinet because he’ll forget. It’s really not a big deal lol
I know this is AskWomen, and I am man - so usually keep quiet, but this one made me laugh. My wife does this, and she will put caps on bottles and not screw them on ( so I would pick them up by the top and drop the bottle ). It drove me crazy.
But now, I just close the cupboards and screw the lids on. Cupboards will be multiple times while we are cooking dinner.
Now I love it. It’s part of what makes her unique to me in the world, and a place where our jigsaw puzzles pieces just fit together.
Haha this is my husband. I never pick anything up now by the lid, just in case.
Putting all dirty dishes in the sink. I hated having to clear out the sink before I could wash dishes, I washed by hand. I'd do anything to have these conversations with him now. He passed quite a few years ago.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you lots of virtual hugs 🫶🏻
Thank you.
Chopping veggies and other items into very irregular shapes and sizes. Also putting dishes in the dish washer in a crazy order.
I got over it because at least I wasn't doing that chore.
My husband chops things not unevenly, but everything is huge. I don't want to put a carrot or piece of sausage that big in my mouth lol.
My boyfriend also put dishes in a crazy order. Like a plate will just be horizontal, not standing up in the rack. Like why!? It’s designed for plates to stand up. Instead, he just balances them precariously on top of all the poles? It’s mayhem in there.
His first response used to almost always negative. Go out to dinner? Nah. 2 hours later, we should go out to dinner. Want to see a movie? No. This movie stays at 8, we should go, Great idea buddy!
All the time, about almost anything. He’s gotten much much better. Once I started joking about how I could get him to do anything by simply suggesting it and then waiting for it to be his idea I think he realized how shitty it was. Or how easy it was to manipulate him I guess. Anyway, he’s better now.
Wow that sounds like a shitty partner He doesn't take in your ideas unless it's his? How do you spend time with somebody like that?
By understanding why he’s like that and talking to him about it. Making it clear that it’s not ok and expecting and seeing change. Like people in a partnership do.
I guess, but really it sounds like he likes the control, and likes doing the decision making in your relationship therefore your thoughts and opinions don't matter? But live you life sis- hopefully he turns it around!
32 years, couldn’t be happier.
Just his weird little quirk about making plans.
Working all the time. He’s blue collar so it’s really hard to make plans, no set schedule, works 6-7 days a week.. I didn’t stop “caring” I just accepted that this is how it is and just cherish and stay grateful for the time we do get to spend together!
Mouth breather
Some of us have allergies 😭 it sucks lol
Awww, don’t worry, it really doesn’t bother me anymore
I’m trying to get over this one lately. But his breath is so foul all the time 😟 very repulsive
His sneezes lol
Omg I thought it was just me but he goes “AHH CHOO!!!” and it always startles me
My SO too, his sneezes and coughs would drive me crazy
Yeah my ex was a mouth breather & everytime he sneezed he had to catch tons of mucus in his hands……..
The only thing that sticks out is one who talked about his job all the time. Eventually he only wanted to watch shows and movies that related to it. It drove me insane. I stopped caring when I broke up with him.
Sucks when ppl make their job their whole personality. Boring 🥱
I've got to ask, what was his job?
He was a mental health counselor so everything he wanted to watch revolved around mental health. Then he got a new job as a crisis counselor with a police department and it was all about real crime shows. The relationship ended very quickly after that, for multiple reasons.
His driving. He speeds at random times and goes super slow sometimes, all while having near constant road rage at people who drive the same way as he does. At first I was vocal about how it bothered me, but that just made it worse. Now I hardly notice. It's just the way he is and I love him so whatevs
Mine just cannot see the beard hairs in the bathroom sink after he shaves. It’s the most incredible selective blindness. It drove me up the wall for the longest time….. but I really like Dan Savage’s formulation for these little things. It’s the “price of admission” for being with him. Am I will to pay that price? Yes, bc he is a wonderful person and great husband. I’d rather be with him and have beard hairs in the sink than be without him.
Best part is entering the bathroom after a beard-trimming and asking, "Hey can you clean up your beard hairs?" and hearing, "I did!" 😐 Well, an attempt was made at least lol.
I like the "price of admission" concept. We all have our...quirks.
He won't listen to my advice . He will go online to check it out. While I am standing there. I do not give advice. It still low-key bothers me, but it's getting better. I chuckle when I am right.
Texting, just responds 'cool'.
Omg this!
I get ‘ok’
I have learned the hard way to never double text
He’s defensive at the first sign of any possible accusation. It’s crazy making.
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When I asked him to do something and he says he will only for me to do it days later because he didn’t. Just say no.
He won't clean things unless they visibly look dirty. If I ask when the last time he cleaned the shower is, it's probably been months, because "the water washes everything down the drain".
I stopped nagging because it just means I am now doing more work by tracking his cleaning habits and then "supervising" him. I clean the house on a schedule and have accepted I am the person who will do the majority of the cleaning. Though, since we have two bathrooms and use separate showers, his gets less attention by me because I also think he deserves to live in the mess he cares not to see. Same with his office.
Kept complaining about ‘you people’ when a light switch was left on.
He bites the inside of his lip and makes this godawful chewing sound
He doesn’t throw things away when it absolutely belongs in the trash. It’s annoying, especially when he puts dishes in the sink with wrappers inside. Soggy soapy garbage irritates me, but it’s not worth the fight.
Being misunderstood. I used to explain myself. Now I just live.
My husband says "but" at the end of sentences where he is offering a counterpoint. "She was fairly elected but." It always bothered me and I would reply, "but what?" But I stopped saying that and now I just accept it is his quirky way of talking. He's also a slob.
ETA We are Americans and it's not a common way to phrase things here
Leaving the cabinet doors open
Leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor so the roomba gets stuck on it and I discover it when I get home.
I just shrug now lol I’ve become lazier too 😆
Sorry what’s a roomba? I’ve never heard of that word
Robot vacuum, you can set it up so it vacuums the house while you’re out. The older models would follow a set path, so you have to make sure nothing is on the floor for it to get stuck on or smear.
My husband used to get off work and clean. Didn’t matter if I had cleaned alll day long but he would get off work and pick up one tiny thing on the ground and it would offend me like did I not do good enough? Now I just don’t care and sometimes I don’t clean at all. He chooses to clean on all his free time I’m sick of feeling like I have to too so I just don’t. Don’t get me wrong I do all the laundry and I clean the toilets and showers etc I just don’t make sure it’s spotless the second he gets off.
Being pretty immovable and mostly unaffected by most things. I used to accuse him of not caring, now I just accept that he doesn’t put excess worry into things that don’t necessitate it. It’s actually rubbed off on me a lot and helps me be a much less anxious person.
when he hangs up he sings his goodbye. used to really annoy me in the beginning and sometimes id be embarrassed if we were in public. But now I dont even notice it
My husband eats one thing at a time. If he gets fries, a burger and shake. He eats fries first, then the burger and last the shake. Same thing with a steak and sides. He hates mixing food. He has to completely finish one item begore he goes on to the next item.
Why did it bother me? Because I feel like his food was getting cold because he refused to eat them as a whole and eat everything fresh. It was more a reflection on me and needing to control everything. Therapy helped.
Scream sneezing
Chewing SO loud. After 12 years I don’t really hear it anymore lol
My ex.
He was doing your ex?😳
Tea
He makes funny sounds/does funny impressions randomly all the time
The way my husband loads the dishwasher. He thinks bowls get cleaned better if they are on the top rack. So, the top rack is filled with bowls, mugs, glasses, and random utensils. There's very little on the bottom rack, but the top racked is absolutely jammed so nothing really gets that clean to be honest. I used to bring it up to him but he is adamant his way is better. When he isn't looking I space everything out amongst the racks so at least it has a chance lol. It's not worth getting into an argument over so I just do it quietly and then forget about it.
Leaving his shoes, socks, and belt in the living room. Whatever. I move his shoes/belt and throw the socks in the hamper. Here's the thing, we all do something that drives the other one crazy, no matter how considerate we think we all are. I have a tendency to leave my dirty clothes on the floor in the bathroom all day or until whatever time I'm like, "oh shit, I should pick those up." So, not a hill I want to die on.
he’s a messy eater and i never wouldve thought that i would find that to be a cute thing about somebody. i just love the way he enjoys life, uninhibited. doesn’t care about things that dont matter. he has great manners, he’s not a slob. but his messy eating is cute
Leaving the toilet seat up. We bickered over it for the longest time and I decided eventually it wasn’t worth my energy. Now I am ~free~ (it still annoys me sometimes)
Hopefully one day it will be his humming. Sometimes I find it distracting or a little irritating.
Leave containers, like butter or dip with this 🤏 much left.
Ex
Wanting to eat takeaways/eat out for lunch and dinner every day and not cooking. Always junk too...
Not vaccuming (he had a long haired cat...)
Not cleaning the shower even when it had visible mould
Not cleaning the toilet after soiling it...😶
Cleaning the cat litter box...but dumping fresh litter on top without washing out the actual box, so there was a constant cat pee smell...
When doing laundry, hanging clothes up to dry on top of each other so they wouldn't dry properly and then would get that 'wet laundry not dried properly' smell
Yeah 🙃🤷🏾♀️
Has a weird accent, not ambitious, passive about most things, kind of loud and awkward. Okay yikes do i not like this man - but he is kind, consistent, considerate and smart. Brb may jump out of a window
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His forgetfulness - as it relates to hygiene. It repulsed me at the start and we had to take a break. To be fair back then he didn’t wear deodorant because he read it was bad for you, and he now does, and cologne. Still forgets to brush his teeth, shower etc though. Neurodivergent as f husband