Same I would be seriously upset at that.
But I feel like you shouldn't have said it. Instead, let her out herself. Because now, if she has the idea, she might keep it under wraps đ¤ˇââď¸
Nah, I trust her not to lie to me and I wouldn't enter a relationship with someone I didn't. I think discussing important questions about deal-breakers early is important. Transparency is better than trying to "catch" someone. She's gonna do what she's gonna do and now she knows where I'm at. She's still "allowed" to want non-monogamy, she just knows it's incompatible with being in a relationship with me.
I donât know about that, people can have desires they realize are not at all worth it vs losing their partner. And if you arenât clear thatâs a dealbreaker, they may be more inclined to bring up even casual desires.
This is a weird trap youâre setting up as a âgotcha!âAnd probably not healthy. As partners we arenât the thought police. Wanting something isnât a crime lol. breaking pre-established and communicated boundaries is the problem.
There are things my partner has said he doesnât want that I do but I respect his wishes and keep it to myself.
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He knows my opinion, we've been together for 8 years and this was discussed very very early on. If he "asked my opinion" now I'd think he had either hit his head and was in need of medical attention, or he's playing dumb to try to convince me, which would lead to my original answer.
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If it's in the context of a getting-to-know-you conversation in the beginning of the dating phase, and he was just curious what I think about the topic, because he's against it himself and wanted to know if I'm against it too - then it's okay.
If it's with the intent of trying to make it happen or he reveals he's okay with it, absolute no.
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Any religion, really. I think people really take religious compatibility for granted.
We're watching Nobody Wants This, it's a romcom series about a non-jewish woman who falls in love with a rabbi. There's so many ups and downs, so many valid points on both sides, watching it with my husband really made us realize how lucky we are to have found someone who's on the same page about so many important topics, including religion.
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I have a friend who told me that relations with her husband would resume one month after the birth of each of her 4 children. Because he could not wait anymore. She had episiotomy for all of them. Ouch
I heard a quote years ago that really struck me: "When a man says no its considered the end of the conversation. When a woman says no its considered the beginning of the negotiations". This has been true my entire life and I never even realized it.
Now I end conversations after my no. If they continue trying I just ask them why they are still talking about it when they have my answer. If they continue further I walk away and do not engage with any further attempts. I'm sure they think I'm rude for this but at least I'm teaching them my no's are final.
Itâs so annoying to even go get a car wash. The last time I went, they had a guy at the kiosk, which they used to just let you use yourself. He would not stop trying to sell me a membership. I found myself doing the excuse thing, and like a guy trying to get your number, countered my excuses. So I just started saying. âNope. Nope. Noooooope.â And he finally gave up lol so from now on Iâm starting at no thanks, then going straight to noooooope.
Same! Now I say âno thank youâ and just walk away. There were a few instances where they kept following me and keep insisting and then Iâll just say loudly say âNo, go away! leave me alone!â.
We were once approached by a rough looking female outside a convenience store. She started in on her 'script' and I knew it was heading right to a scam. I said "absolutely not" and just kept walking.
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My ex once took Ayahuasca. He loved it and it was really good for him. He invited me to join him in the next ceremony and I said no, I didn't have any interest or curiosity, I just liked to know about his experiences. Next time he invited me, I said no again and said he didn't need to invite me again, as I had no interest at all. And he kept inviting me every. Single. Time. I snapped. We broke up not long after
Found out later that I'm Borderline and I can't take Ayahuasca even if I really really wanted to
Had an ex do this on the topic of anal. It got to the point I looked into subreddits for validation I wasnât just prudish (I love sex but just not kinky, it is what it is) and had to tell him âIf this is so important to you, youâre really better off finding someone else.â
It felt like we were gonna end but maybe he wasnât ready to end it over that so we made up and he said âCan we re-visit this topic in a few months?â I told him many times no but felt I was being too close-minded so I said âOk sure we can talk about it again in a few months.â
We ended shortly after for other reasons but fck, that was the first time someone was so insistent. He was âgoodâ to me in other ways so I was blinded, but now I know how little respect this showed for my boundaries. Never again.
Also grew up with emotional neglect and trauma so my standard of âgoodâ was skewed.
My ex-husband did that constantly when I was pregnant. All three times (I had two children and one miscarriage). When he was sexually abusive and wouldnât âleave me aloneâ (thatâs my way of being euphemistic), resulting in several pregnancies in the span of a few years. People can be really sick.
My ex did that when we had our child. I laughed at him and said, sure, on your dime, but they are going to think you're an idiot. Our son is a total copy/paste of his face. I mean, you could drop those two in a room of 100 people and easily identify that they were father/son. He was just trying to get under my skin. We have come a long way since then, thank God.
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am i crazy for not minding this? i hope it isnât a pick me take but i wouldnât mind giving spouse peace of mind because i know a couple of men who have had that exact scenario happen, and baby wasnât theirs :( i would never cheat on my spouse but i wouldnât find offence in them wanting peace of mind in that regard
I couldnât be with someone who would doubt my fidelity like that. Itâs also a huge point of contention for me because maternity can never be doubted but men use it like a weapon.
I think it just depends. I personally think women who lie about cheating and claim a baby is a manâs child when they know it may not be should be charged with a crime. My ex wanted a dna test for both of our kids and I agreed, no questions asked, for his peace of mind. However, men can use it as a weapon while being accusatory. âWell weâll just have to wait and see if this kid is mine before I will.. â
I thought they passed a law for mandatory paternity tests at birth? Idk Some states maybe, some circumstances.
ikr. No woman "loses" anything if she has slept with a man. All she gains is sexual experience. A man also does not "take" anything from a woman. it's a stupid myth to keep women in their own mental shackles. A man could sleep with a 100 women, and he'd still be a man if not a "smug very desired" man. And he does not lose anything too. it's odd.
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I'm a virgin and even I am grossed out by this. And if you tell a guy you're a virgin he gets all excited as if he's gonna be the one to take it đŹ if I didn't have sex for this long then what makes you think I'll have it with you lol you're not special
Funny enough, most of the guys in my social circles (who have sex fairly regularly with strangers [Tinder, bars, hookups, whatever]) don't want to have sex with virgins. They get self-conscious about it being a good first-time formative experience, and they feel pressured to make it excellent and fun, and can't relax.
The only guys I know that make a big deal about getting with virgins have been genuine creeps about it. And then when I ask them what their "body count" is, they get offended. Hypocrites.
Anything about my weight. I grew up having my body and weight and food constantly scrutinized⌠in both directions. Too much, too little, eat more, donât eat that, etc⌠so now Iâm very sensitive to this kind of stuff. He knows that though and wouldnât ask unless I started the conversation.
This is a good one! I think itâs rude to discuss in general! Unless their health is at major risk and itâs genuinely out of pure care for their life.
The other day I asked my husband if it bothers him that I eat as much as him during a meal. He laughed and said thatâs one of the reasons he fell in love with me. Lol! Good man.
I totally agree that itâs rude to discuss in general⌠no matter someoneâs relationship. But Iâve learned that this is not the general consensus lol I have a friend from Nepal (Iâm from the USA) who finds it totally normal for women in close relationships, family or friends, to talk about each otherâs bodies and what needs to be changed and how much theyâre eating or exercising. Sheâs explained it to me as a very common experience in Asian communities, so my information on that is coming purely from her. With her, I had to specify that Iâm not comfortable with her commenting on my body or my food, which she did respect immediately because sheâs a wonderful friend.
My husband also loves that I can eat lol men who are just happy to see you enjoy food are really special.
If I can take care of his parents in old age.
They are not bad people, but they are HIS parents, why can't he do it? I'm not even a nurse or anything from that field.
Or if I can tone down my feminism. Like if he wants to break up he can just tell me lol.
I think I would also get mad if he expected me to be besties with his son's mom. We are on good terms but just because she and I are nice people. He can't expect anything more.
We talk a lot and I say a lot of feminist things. I present facts and explain my pov as a woman in this world. This can be about impossible expectations, gender pay gap, gender health gap, worrying changes in the world regarding reproductive health and how men dictate everything. I feel like we live in a world made by men and made for men making it hard as a woman to find a comfortable place and not just somehow surviving.
My bf often disagrees and doesn't see the structural problems. He dislikes terms like patriarchy and sometimes we even need to stop conversation because we're getting nowhere and are just frustrated.
But no, I will not back down and will continue to argue when it's important to me
Thereâs a difference between âI donât seeâ and âI donât want to see because it works for meâ. Not telling you whatâs the right move here. But I will tell you that I spent a lot of time explaining myself and I suddenly donât have to anymore and that is very freeing. Itâs exhausting to constantly feel like you have to explain your world to someone. The right person wonât make you feel like that, even if the right person ends up just being you. You want a partner whoâs beside you in life, not someone whoâs ignoring the fact that your race is run in the mountains while theyâre on the beach.
Just food for thought. You deserve to be lightened in life not exhausted.
Sorry I think you guys misunderstood.
He does want equal rights, pay etc for women. He just doesn't know the huge gaps and that's why we discuss a lot. In a civilized way, not a fight.
That's why I don't feel that pressure or uneasiness you talk about. Please don't over interprete things into my text.
I wasnât implying to know your situation and I apologize if it came off that way. I just felt an exhaustion in your statement that resonated with me in many interactions Iâve had with men, dating or otherwise. My point was simply thatâs exhausting and you donât owe anyone that. I donât expect you to leave your relationship, thatâs none of my business. I just wanted you to know that you donât owe anyone that kind of constant explanation. If heâs willing to learn thatâs great. But please take note of if you feel heard and understood, or if youâre just constantly explaining and heâs not learning on his own. You do not have to justify or explain anything to me < 3 just reminding you to be mindful of the emotional toll that can take on you. I hope your life serves you well : )
Don't worry, I also sounded harsher than intended :D there are times where I'm exhausted from it and don't feel understood but it's not so often.
I was just trying to answer the question and was imagining this question. I don't think he will actually ask me that in reality đ
No no it's in a completely civilized way. Usually I am the one to get frustrated because the conversation drags out so long.
What he does get annoyed with is the world patriarchy because he doesn't think we live in one and it's hard for me to convince him and show him how privileged he is.
However I have had success in explaining things like the gender health gap in things like medicine almost only being tested on men, wrong Dosis for women etc.
We are fine, thanks for the concern everyone:D
We like discussing lots of topics in a civilized way
I had a boyfriend who I would have these conversations with often and he would pretend to understand me after I would explain my experience and worldview but then revert back to his same original opinions outside of those conversations, which caused us to revisit those conversations over and over. Not saying thatâs your situation, however what you described does sound like what i experienced with my ex and eventually I realized his perspective wasnt actually changing at all through these conversations and he was too stuck in seeing things from his own perspective to adapt. This eventually ended our relationship, because I need someone who shows growth and is not just gonna placate me during deep conversations with no intention of applying new perspectives into their way of thinking
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I'm with you on the cheating questions/accusations, esp after getting accused of as much by my ex. I'm sure this will come as no surprise to anyone that she was in the midst of an affair at the time she started with this. Hindsight is a real kick in the pants.
That's an instant deal-breaker for me now, regardless of whether its rooted in projection or insecurity, I'm out.
As a SAHM, him walking in after work, looking around the messy room and saying, âwhat did you do all day?â âKept your children alive!â Jerk.
Also, I was NINE months pregnant, laying on my side and he actually said, âCan you move over? The baby is kicking me and keeping me awake.â
Did I mention heâs my EX husband?
Itâs a mostly outdated practice now, though not gone entirely. A woman would give birth and there can often be tearing around the vaginal canal, usually of the perineum (the skin between the vaginal canal and anus). Doctors would suture the tear closed and add an unnecessary additional stitch to try and make the vaginal canal narrower. It was called the âhusband stitchâ because it was 100% for the husbandâs benefit since sex would feel âbetterâ for him if she was tighter. It caused more harm to the women, frequently causing intense pain, especially during sex.
Any requests for violent or degrading sex acts, like choking, hitting, spitting on me, etc.
I don't care if some people mutually enjoy that stuff with their own partners. For me, the idea that my SO could be sexually aroused at the idea of causing me pain or disrespecting me would be an absolute dealbreaker. I don't care if they gracefully accept 'no' as an answer - the very fact they're interested in the first place would break my heart.
I'm somewhat sick of this position being labelled as 'vanilla'', which is often accompanied by the implication that this makes one a boring, uptight and uncool person. I shouldn't have to be A-OK with a partner who fantasizes about smacking me around in order to be considered a worthwhile human being.
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For context, I'm poly. I have multiple partners - and so do they.
I absolutely refuse to participate in group sex. I make this very clear multiple times. My sexuality is not an available prop for your entertainment.
I have had several try to slyly introduce me to other women they are involved with to see if we "hit it off" or try to engineer it. It makes me absolutely furious.
My SO told me I had âmom armsâ one time. So triggering because I grew up with a very narcissistic mother who would treat me differently depending on how much I weighed & what I looked like.
Very sensitive to any comments on my body⌠especially things I canât change in 10 seconds.
Honestly, lots of things aren't appropriate to ask, so there are a lot of possible variations. Anything disrespectful, inappropriate, or against our agreed upon boundaries would cause issues within the relationship or end the relationship immediately.
As an example, if they asked for a renegotiation of any deal breakers that we have already agreed upon, that would be upsetting to me because that would mean that their preference about something that is a deal-breaker to me has changed.
For another example, I'd be upset if they asked me to act against my personal ethics and values when they knew my boundaries and stance on that topic.
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Sometimes my SO responds to my complaints about my period by asking me if I've talked to my doctor about [insert something that only a man would think is a simple question] and it pisses me off because I've been going to a gyno my whole life and he has not
I have offered to pay for stuff if he is stressed about money, or say I can cover a portion, but if he straight up asked me for a huge dollar amount without me offering and expected me to cover a bad financial decision he made, I'd be livid.
My ex found out I had substantial savings and asked me to pay for his college tuition, and I stupidly did. $10K down the toilet because he never actually pursued anything with it when he got his degree. I will never make that mistake again.
It was stupid and I was 19 years old. We thought we would be together forever and he promised that when he was done his degree, he'd make money and it'd be "my turn" to go to school and he'd support me. I thought that's what it meant to take turns giving in a relationship...
I did end up going to university on my own, and paid my own way while working two jobs, after we broke up.
I don't anger easily, but two things that men said that sent me through the roof:
"Are you sure this wasn't your first time?" Two very stupid men said this. I have vaginismus and they were too bad in the sack to really turn me on. The level of ignorance it takes to both mansplain my vagina to me and imply I'm lying about my sexual history...
Asking for a bj. I'm a pretty generous and enthusiastic lover, but I say when and where and who. Being asked to do that on his terms felt like an unappreciative slap in the face. He was smart enough to never ask again.
I think questions about my sexual historyâŚ.. like how many partnersâŚ.. kind of stuff. Like it does not matter, I am with you now. And I would never ask him that?
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Lmao my ex told me it was 100% reasonable for a father to immediately ask for a paternity test as soon as a baby is born (even if youâre happily married) because âanything could have happenedâ
Idk i want a relationship where we could discuss everything and treat each other as a safe space to be as we are. Any sort of âsacrificesâ or other stuff where you have to be silent âbecause of the relationshipâ would be a dealbreaker for me.
I guess the only thing is asking to convert to any religion, but I wonât date religious people in general (except secular versions). Maybe the same if my partner would ask me to change lifestyle, be monogamous or change my political opinions
Crossing my boundaries. He does shit load of things that makes me mad af but I learnt to deal with it, it's when he asks favours that crosses my boundaries that I feel zero loved and unappreciated. "The divorce came out of nowhere" they say not knowing how many times women endure and shut up.
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Not so much about asking but not asking. I would be angry if my significant other didn't express kinks he wanted to try or mention his desire for a threesome. I would be angry if he didn't ask these questions because that would imply we have created an environment in our relationship in which he fears my reaction. Or a topic which he is curious about but dares not approach.
So it wouldn't be about the questions he was asking, it would be the idea that I would get angry at a question at all.
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"Do you want one of these bean bags filled with styrofoam?"
This is probably the only question I can think about that would make me mad, because I would feel so unheard and like he doesn't care about me. I have a pretty severe phobia-like reaction to styrofoam, I can't stand the sound, I can't stand the presence, I get tense from even thinking that the building I'm in has an insulation made of styrofoam.
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Anything outside of strict monogamy. Asking to include anyone else in our relationship would make me seriously consider divorce.
YES
When my partner and I got together I told her that if she ever feels she needs non-monogamy it would be best we break up.
Same I would be seriously upset at that. But I feel like you shouldn't have said it. Instead, let her out herself. Because now, if she has the idea, she might keep it under wraps đ¤ˇââď¸
Nah, I trust her not to lie to me and I wouldn't enter a relationship with someone I didn't. I think discussing important questions about deal-breakers early is important. Transparency is better than trying to "catch" someone. She's gonna do what she's gonna do and now she knows where I'm at. She's still "allowed" to want non-monogamy, she just knows it's incompatible with being in a relationship with me.
fair looking back at my comment, it sounds weird too lmao
yeah its good to be open about deal-breakers ur right
I donât know about that, people can have desires they realize are not at all worth it vs losing their partner. And if you arenât clear thatâs a dealbreaker, they may be more inclined to bring up even casual desires.
This is a weird trap youâre setting up as a âgotcha!âAnd probably not healthy. As partners we arenât the thought police. Wanting something isnât a crime lol. breaking pre-established and communicated boundaries is the problem.
There are things my partner has said he doesnât want that I do but I respect his wishes and keep it to myself.
yeah. its also unhealthy to assume the other knows what ur thinking/values are. that leads to a ton of problems and loose ends. changed my mind :)
This is pretty much the only thing that would piss me off. Maybe a few other things but Iâm usually pretty chill.
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Oh yeah. Hell no.
I should have. Instead I just fell apart internally and acted fine on the outside.
not even consider i would get a divorceđ
this.
What if they didn't ask to do it but just asked for your opinion on it?
He knows my opinion, we've been together for 8 years and this was discussed very very early on. If he "asked my opinion" now I'd think he had either hit his head and was in need of medical attention, or he's playing dumb to try to convince me, which would lead to my original answer.
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Not who you were responding to, but;
If it's in the context of a getting-to-know-you conversation in the beginning of the dating phase, and he was just curious what I think about the topic, because he's against it himself and wanted to know if I'm against it too - then it's okay.
If it's with the intent of trying to make it happen or he reveals he's okay with it, absolute no.
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Absolutely!
Yes!!!
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Asking if I'm ready to accept christ as my lord and savior.
Any religion, really. I think people really take religious compatibility for granted.
We're watching Nobody Wants This, it's a romcom series about a non-jewish woman who falls in love with a rabbi. There's so many ups and downs, so many valid points on both sides, watching it with my husband really made us realize how lucky we are to have found someone who's on the same page about so many important topics, including religion.
That'll be a no ty
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Anything at all about intimacy soon after giving birth would piss me off to an extent unimaginable
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I have a friend who told me that relations with her husband would resume one month after the birth of each of her 4 children. Because he could not wait anymore. She had episiotomy for all of them. Ouch
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If they keep asking about something I've already said no to as an attempt to sway me into a yes.Â
I heard a quote years ago that really struck me: "When a man says no its considered the end of the conversation. When a woman says no its considered the beginning of the negotiations". This has been true my entire life and I never even realized it.
Now I end conversations after my no. If they continue trying I just ask them why they are still talking about it when they have my answer. If they continue further I walk away and do not engage with any further attempts. I'm sure they think I'm rude for this but at least I'm teaching them my no's are final.
Itâs so annoying to even go get a car wash. The last time I went, they had a guy at the kiosk, which they used to just let you use yourself. He would not stop trying to sell me a membership. I found myself doing the excuse thing, and like a guy trying to get your number, countered my excuses. So I just started saying. âNope. Nope. Noooooope.â And he finally gave up lol so from now on Iâm starting at no thanks, then going straight to noooooope.
Same! Now I say âno thank youâ and just walk away. There were a few instances where they kept following me and keep insisting and then Iâll just say loudly say âNo, go away! leave me alone!â.
We were once approached by a rough looking female outside a convenience store. She started in on her 'script' and I knew it was heading right to a scam. I said "absolutely not" and just kept walking.
A female what?
A human. A human female.
So you mean a woman, female is referencing animals, and women are people.
Edit: to add there is a subreddit called r/menandfemales that explains it.
I love that because itâs even more direct lol
That quote is from âThe Gift Of Fearâ by Gavin de Becker! Itâs such a fantastic book that I recommend to ALL women!!
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My ex once took Ayahuasca. He loved it and it was really good for him. He invited me to join him in the next ceremony and I said no, I didn't have any interest or curiosity, I just liked to know about his experiences. Next time he invited me, I said no again and said he didn't need to invite me again, as I had no interest at all. And he kept inviting me every. Single. Time. I snapped. We broke up not long after
Found out later that I'm Borderline and I can't take Ayahuasca even if I really really wanted to
Had an ex do this on the topic of anal. It got to the point I looked into subreddits for validation I wasnât just prudish (I love sex but just not kinky, it is what it is) and had to tell him âIf this is so important to you, youâre really better off finding someone else.â
It felt like we were gonna end but maybe he wasnât ready to end it over that so we made up and he said âCan we re-visit this topic in a few months?â I told him many times no but felt I was being too close-minded so I said âOk sure we can talk about it again in a few months.â
We ended shortly after for other reasons but fck, that was the first time someone was so insistent. He was âgoodâ to me in other ways so I was blinded, but now I know how little respect this showed for my boundaries. Never again.
Also grew up with emotional neglect and trauma so my standard of âgoodâ was skewed.
If he asked for a DNA test for our kids.
My ex-husband did that constantly when I was pregnant. All three times (I had two children and one miscarriage). When he was sexually abusive and wouldnât âleave me aloneâ (thatâs my way of being euphemistic), resulting in several pregnancies in the span of a few years. People can be really sick.
My ex did that when we had our child. I laughed at him and said, sure, on your dime, but they are going to think you're an idiot. Our son is a total copy/paste of his face. I mean, you could drop those two in a room of 100 people and easily identify that they were father/son. He was just trying to get under my skin. We have come a long way since then, thank God.
My ex did that too. There was absolutely no doubt our kids were his. He was just trying to be a jerk, and thought it was funny. It was not.
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am i crazy for not minding this? i hope it isnât a pick me take but i wouldnât mind giving spouse peace of mind because i know a couple of men who have had that exact scenario happen, and baby wasnât theirs :( i would never cheat on my spouse but i wouldnât find offence in them wanting peace of mind in that regard
You are crazy lol
I couldnât be with someone who would doubt my fidelity like that. Itâs also a huge point of contention for me because maternity can never be doubted but men use it like a weapon.
Being casually accused of cheating (or lying, or stealing, etc) would set me off. Who is this person to so randomly call to question my character?Â
I think it just depends. I personally think women who lie about cheating and claim a baby is a manâs child when they know it may not be should be charged with a crime. My ex wanted a dna test for both of our kids and I agreed, no questions asked, for his peace of mind. However, men can use it as a weapon while being accusatory. âWell weâll just have to wait and see if this kid is mine before I will.. â I thought they passed a law for mandatory paternity tests at birth? Idk Some states maybe, some circumstances.
no you're not at all you are a queen for that
they will call you crazy and hate you for that take tho lol
"Can we have an open relationship?"
virginity. whether I was "pure" or not.
That stuff is so stupid lol
ikr. No woman "loses" anything if she has slept with a man. All she gains is sexual experience. A man also does not "take" anything from a woman. it's a stupid myth to keep women in their own mental shackles. A man could sleep with a 100 women, and he'd still be a man if not a "smug very desired" man. And he does not lose anything too. it's odd.
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I'm a virgin and even I am grossed out by this. And if you tell a guy you're a virgin he gets all excited as if he's gonna be the one to take it đŹ if I didn't have sex for this long then what makes you think I'll have it with you lol you're not special
Funny enough, most of the guys in my social circles (who have sex fairly regularly with strangers [Tinder, bars, hookups, whatever]) don't want to have sex with virgins. They get self-conscious about it being a good first-time formative experience, and they feel pressured to make it excellent and fun, and can't relax.
The only guys I know that make a big deal about getting with virgins have been genuine creeps about it. And then when I ask them what their "body count" is, they get offended. Hypocrites.
"Are the kids really mine?" He'd get thrown out the door so fast, people would think the Concorde was back.
Anything about my weight. I grew up having my body and weight and food constantly scrutinized⌠in both directions. Too much, too little, eat more, donât eat that, etc⌠so now Iâm very sensitive to this kind of stuff. He knows that though and wouldnât ask unless I started the conversation.
Ugh grew up the same way! I hate it.
This is a good one! I think itâs rude to discuss in general! Unless their health is at major risk and itâs genuinely out of pure care for their life.
The other day I asked my husband if it bothers him that I eat as much as him during a meal. He laughed and said thatâs one of the reasons he fell in love with me. Lol! Good man.
I totally agree that itâs rude to discuss in general⌠no matter someoneâs relationship. But Iâve learned that this is not the general consensus lol I have a friend from Nepal (Iâm from the USA) who finds it totally normal for women in close relationships, family or friends, to talk about each otherâs bodies and what needs to be changed and how much theyâre eating or exercising. Sheâs explained it to me as a very common experience in Asian communities, so my information on that is coming purely from her. With her, I had to specify that Iâm not comfortable with her commenting on my body or my food, which she did respect immediately because sheâs a wonderful friend.
My husband also loves that I can eat lol men who are just happy to see you enjoy food are really special.
If I can take care of his parents in old age. They are not bad people, but they are HIS parents, why can't he do it? I'm not even a nurse or anything from that field.
Or if I can tone down my feminism. Like if he wants to break up he can just tell me lol.
I think I would also get mad if he expected me to be besties with his son's mom. We are on good terms but just because she and I are nice people. He can't expect anything more.
Tone down your feminism? What does that mean exactly?
We talk a lot and I say a lot of feminist things. I present facts and explain my pov as a woman in this world. This can be about impossible expectations, gender pay gap, gender health gap, worrying changes in the world regarding reproductive health and how men dictate everything. I feel like we live in a world made by men and made for men making it hard as a woman to find a comfortable place and not just somehow surviving.
My bf often disagrees and doesn't see the structural problems. He dislikes terms like patriarchy and sometimes we even need to stop conversation because we're getting nowhere and are just frustrated.
But no, I will not back down and will continue to argue when it's important to me
Thereâs a difference between âI donât seeâ and âI donât want to see because it works for meâ. Not telling you whatâs the right move here. But I will tell you that I spent a lot of time explaining myself and I suddenly donât have to anymore and that is very freeing. Itâs exhausting to constantly feel like you have to explain your world to someone. The right person wonât make you feel like that, even if the right person ends up just being you. You want a partner whoâs beside you in life, not someone whoâs ignoring the fact that your race is run in the mountains while theyâre on the beach. Just food for thought. You deserve to be lightened in life not exhausted.
Sorry I think you guys misunderstood. He does want equal rights, pay etc for women. He just doesn't know the huge gaps and that's why we discuss a lot. In a civilized way, not a fight. That's why I don't feel that pressure or uneasiness you talk about. Please don't over interprete things into my text.
I wasnât implying to know your situation and I apologize if it came off that way. I just felt an exhaustion in your statement that resonated with me in many interactions Iâve had with men, dating or otherwise. My point was simply thatâs exhausting and you donât owe anyone that. I donât expect you to leave your relationship, thatâs none of my business. I just wanted you to know that you donât owe anyone that kind of constant explanation. If heâs willing to learn thatâs great. But please take note of if you feel heard and understood, or if youâre just constantly explaining and heâs not learning on his own. You do not have to justify or explain anything to me < 3 just reminding you to be mindful of the emotional toll that can take on you. I hope your life serves you well : )
Don't worry, I also sounded harsher than intended :D there are times where I'm exhausted from it and don't feel understood but it's not so often. I was just trying to answer the question and was imagining this question. I don't think he will actually ask me that in reality đ
Does he actually discuss his disagreements on these things with you or does he just get annoyed when you talk about it?
No no it's in a completely civilized way. Usually I am the one to get frustrated because the conversation drags out so long.
What he does get annoyed with is the world patriarchy because he doesn't think we live in one and it's hard for me to convince him and show him how privileged he is.
However I have had success in explaining things like the gender health gap in things like medicine almost only being tested on men, wrong Dosis for women etc.
We are fine, thanks for the concern everyone:D We like discussing lots of topics in a civilized way
I had a boyfriend who I would have these conversations with often and he would pretend to understand me after I would explain my experience and worldview but then revert back to his same original opinions outside of those conversations, which caused us to revisit those conversations over and over. Not saying thatâs your situation, however what you described does sound like what i experienced with my ex and eventually I realized his perspective wasnt actually changing at all through these conversations and he was too stuck in seeing things from his own perspective to adapt. This eventually ended our relationship, because I need someone who shows growth and is not just gonna placate me during deep conversations with no intention of applying new perspectives into their way of thinking
"did you cheat on me?" Totally deal breaker cuz I would never EVER do that and the fact that he thinks I'm that type of person throws me off
"Did you have sex before we got married?" (That's more of a cultural religious thing so it doesn't apply to anyone)
I think there's more but these two are the ones i can think of at the moment. Ps: for more context I'm 20f virgin and never dated before
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I'm with you on the cheating questions/accusations, esp after getting accused of as much by my ex. I'm sure this will come as no surprise to anyone that she was in the midst of an affair at the time she started with this. Hindsight is a real kick in the pants.
That's an instant deal-breaker for me now, regardless of whether its rooted in projection or insecurity, I'm out.
As a SAHM, him walking in after work, looking around the messy room and saying, âwhat did you do all day?â âKept your children alive!â Jerk. Also, I was NINE months pregnant, laying on my side and he actually said, âCan you move over? The baby is kicking me and keeping me awake.â Did I mention heâs my EX husband?
Asking any scheduling detail without checking the calendars.
"Where do we have [item that almost the whole world stores in the fridge" - "Have you checked the fridge?" - "No..."
Same energy, like use your own brain!!! đ
For asking for anything I already voiced a clear and not debatable boundary over. My partner doesn't do it but it would make me pretty mad if he did
Husband stitch.
ÂżQuĂŠ?
Itâs a mostly outdated practice now, though not gone entirely. A woman would give birth and there can often be tearing around the vaginal canal, usually of the perineum (the skin between the vaginal canal and anus). Doctors would suture the tear closed and add an unnecessary additional stitch to try and make the vaginal canal narrower. It was called the âhusband stitchâ because it was 100% for the husbandâs benefit since sex would feel âbetterâ for him if she was tighter. It caused more harm to the women, frequently causing intense pain, especially during sex.
Holy shit! How was that ever a thing?
Society hates women.
Any requests for violent or degrading sex acts, like choking, hitting, spitting on me, etc.
I don't care if some people mutually enjoy that stuff with their own partners. For me, the idea that my SO could be sexually aroused at the idea of causing me pain or disrespecting me would be an absolute dealbreaker. I don't care if they gracefully accept 'no' as an answer - the very fact they're interested in the first place would break my heart.
I'm somewhat sick of this position being labelled as 'vanilla'', which is often accompanied by the implication that this makes one a boring, uptight and uncool person. I shouldn't have to be A-OK with a partner who fantasizes about smacking me around in order to be considered a worthwhile human being.
Do you have a problem with them asking if you would be open to trying things that aren't violent or degrading but may still be unusual?
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to live with his parents after marriage
For context, I'm poly. I have multiple partners - and so do they.
I absolutely refuse to participate in group sex. I make this very clear multiple times. My sexuality is not an available prop for your entertainment.
I have had several try to slyly introduce me to other women they are involved with to see if we "hit it off" or try to engineer it. It makes me absolutely furious.
My SO told me I had âmom armsâ one time. So triggering because I grew up with a very narcissistic mother who would treat me differently depending on how much I weighed & what I looked like.
Very sensitive to any comments on my body⌠especially things I canât change in 10 seconds.
A DNA test for our child. It would come with divorce papers. If you don't trust me, I don't see the point.
Honestly, lots of things aren't appropriate to ask, so there are a lot of possible variations. Anything disrespectful, inappropriate, or against our agreed upon boundaries would cause issues within the relationship or end the relationship immediately.
As an example, if they asked for a renegotiation of any deal breakers that we have already agreed upon, that would be upsetting to me because that would mean that their preference about something that is a deal-breaker to me has changed.
For another example, I'd be upset if they asked me to act against my personal ethics and values when they knew my boundaries and stance on that topic.
"Where's the bowl?" We've only lived here two years đ
At this point I just tell him to figure it out himself.
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Controlling questions. Asking to see my phone, for passwords, to track my location.
A real conversation with an ex:
Him: what do you think your 30s paunch is made out of? Mine is made of ice cream.
Me: chronic illness. The medicine that I take to control my endometriosis made me gain weight.
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Anything outside of non-monogamy; the suggestion of monogamy would have me considering divorce.
Sometimes my SO responds to my complaints about my period by asking me if I've talked to my doctor about [insert something that only a man would think is a simple question] and it pisses me off because I've been going to a gyno my whole life and he has not
If he asked me to pay for his debt.
I have offered to pay for stuff if he is stressed about money, or say I can cover a portion, but if he straight up asked me for a huge dollar amount without me offering and expected me to cover a bad financial decision he made, I'd be livid.
My ex found out I had substantial savings and asked me to pay for his college tuition, and I stupidly did. $10K down the toilet because he never actually pursued anything with it when he got his degree. I will never make that mistake again.
YOU SPENT $10K????????? Not trying to be rude but like whyyyyyyyyy??????????
Because it was his dream and I was in love!
It was stupid and I was 19 years old. We thought we would be together forever and he promised that when he was done his degree, he'd make money and it'd be "my turn" to go to school and he'd support me. I thought that's what it meant to take turns giving in a relationship...
I did end up going to university on my own, and paid my own way while working two jobs, after we broke up.
If we can âgo on a breakâ so he can see if he still wants this.
Immediately no. You either want me or you donât.
For a divorce đ¤ˇđźââď¸
I don't anger easily, but two things that men said that sent me through the roof:
"Are you sure this wasn't your first time?" Two very stupid men said this. I have vaginismus and they were too bad in the sack to really turn me on. The level of ignorance it takes to both mansplain my vagina to me and imply I'm lying about my sexual history...
Asking for a bj. I'm a pretty generous and enthusiastic lover, but I say when and where and who. Being asked to do that on his terms felt like an unappreciative slap in the face. He was smart enough to never ask again.
If he asked for a paternity test for our children
Are you a virgin?
đ
Asking for a third. I'd divorce immediately.
Do you want tacos?
Of course I want tacos!
Asking me to do anything that could trigger my traumas because they don't think it's that bad or, worse, worth a try.
I think questions about my sexual historyâŚ.. like how many partnersâŚ.. kind of stuff. Like it does not matter, I am with you now. And I would never ask him that?
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Lmao my ex told me it was 100% reasonable for a father to immediately ask for a paternity test as soon as a baby is born (even if youâre happily married) because âanything could have happenedâ
Idk i want a relationship where we could discuss everything and treat each other as a safe space to be as we are. Any sort of âsacrificesâ or other stuff where you have to be silent âbecause of the relationshipâ would be a dealbreaker for me.
I guess the only thing is asking to convert to any religion, but I wonât date religious people in general (except secular versions). Maybe the same if my partner would ask me to change lifestyle, be monogamous or change my political opinions
Crossing my boundaries. He does shit load of things that makes me mad af but I learnt to deal with it, it's when he asks favours that crosses my boundaries that I feel zero loved and unappreciated. "The divorce came out of nowhere" they say not knowing how many times women endure and shut up.
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Nothing. If he wants to go somewhere else, I'll let him and she can keep him FOREVER. I'd just happily call my attorney and be done with it.
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Not so much about asking but not asking. I would be angry if my significant other didn't express kinks he wanted to try or mention his desire for a threesome. I would be angry if he didn't ask these questions because that would imply we have created an environment in our relationship in which he fears my reaction. Or a topic which he is curious about but dares not approach.
So it wouldn't be about the questions he was asking, it would be the idea that I would get angry at a question at all.
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Asking me how to spell my name.
"Do you want one of these bean bags filled with styrofoam?"
This is probably the only question I can think about that would make me mad, because I would feel so unheard and like he doesn't care about me. I have a pretty severe phobia-like reaction to styrofoam, I can't stand the sound, I can't stand the presence, I get tense from even thinking that the building I'm in has an insulation made of styrofoam.
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