It sounds cliche, but when I had kids, something changed in my head. I knew I had to show them what healthy self esteem looked like because I spent so many of my younger years hating myself because I wasnāt pretty enough, a size 0 etc etc. I think a lot of us who were/are hard on themselves comes from how our care givers treated us. I had a VERY caustic Mother , criticised everything about me, from my IQ (or lack of it!) to my waistline.
My mom had a harsh mom, and she was always supportive and encouraging to me, and I have a lot of self love and self esteem, so you're doing it right! I also have a close relationship with her.
I used to be very self-critical and in constantly proving to others mode, busy in seeking validation. But while growing up I realized no matter how much I try, I can't satisfy every important person of mine because we all have different take on various instances of life matters. Also, I learned to make myself a priority by investing in my wellbeing, my nutrition intake, my hobbies, increasing my knowledge about human behavior, being with people who energies me and getting away from energy suckers. Avoidance from energy suckers is also very very important. Because I can do what I want or what I am capable of only when I take care of myself
Questioning where those habits of thought came from. Focusing on the unconditional love and sincere respect from people who i value the opinion of and how they see me. Noticing when those unkind thoughts bubble up and unpicking whether they were true or just what I'd been taught to believe.
I always say that my people are good people, because my friends are kind and compassionate and witty and lovely people to be around. Then I realised that people this kind and awesome wouldn't associate with me if I wasn't also kind and compassionate and witty and lovely. So if I believed they were lovely, I also had to believe the same of my own self.
Trying to be more aware of what my inner critic is saying to me. I can speak to myself in a way Iād never speak to a friend. Instead of being harsh and focusing on negatives, Iām trying to keep a more healthy perspective. I think gratitude journaling morning and night helps me to get there.
It started by realizing how unproductive being hard on myself was. At the end of the day, being harsh and callous with myself didnāt fix my issues, it just made them worse for the most part. From there, the cause of my overly self-critical tendencies unravelled, and I realized a lot of it was rooted in my ideal looking, but deeply unstable and violent childhood.
TL;DR:
Being harsh on myself didnāt accomplish anything, and also therapy helped massively.
I grew up believing that being hard on myself was the same thing as being disciplined. If I wasnāt constantly pushing, correcting, or criticizing myself, I thought I was being lazy or irresponsible. It took complete burnout for me to realize that what Iād been calling āmotivationā was actually self-punishment dressed up as productivity. Learning to treat myself better didnāt start with becoming more efficient or āfixingā myself it started with rest. With letting myself pause without guilt and accepting that I donāt have to earn rest or kindness.
I've been working on what I call "The Reverse Golden Rule". Expect others to treat you how you treat them. I'm a conflict averse person and fairly empathetic. I'm always nice, always take the high road, and never make assumptions about people. It always just crushed me when someone was unnecessarily unkind to me. I was a chronic people pleaser and just couldn't cope when someone treated me like dirt (shocking prequel bombshell: my parents often treated me like dirt). I would go so far out of my way to win their favor, as if I'd be a failure at life if I didn't. I treated every human interaction as though I was beginning at a disadvantage.
Last year or so, I had the epiphany that I'm actually allowed to not like people, too. I don't like my neighbor who doesn't communicate outside of saying brutally hurtful things, seemingly out of nowhere. I still take the high road, but for once, it's not because I want her to like me, it's because I feel I would lose some of my dignity if I got down in the mud with her. We are not friends and will not be friends. I'm choosing that because she doesn't fit The Reverse Golden Rule. There are a lot of people in the world, it's okay to use a filter.
I'm glad if it helped a little! Remember, you deserve the same empathy and respect you give other people, they're not just automatically better than you. I named the two wolves inside of me "Mr. And Mrs. Claws". They do not have a good marriage. Mrs. Claws is rational and understanding. Mr. Claws is a belligerent drunk. Sometimes when I catch myself automatically thinking I'm worse than other people and I need to make up for it, I'll say to myself "Mr. Claws, who let you out rehab!? You were sentenced to eight weeks!!!" lol. I try to make it funny, because if I laugh, I know my mindset is reorienting in the right direction.
you deserve the same empathy and respect you give other people
Goodness, I needed to hear this. I'm getting better at reminding myself, but I also fall into the trap of automatically thinking other people deserve it and I don't. Two steps forward, one step back.
I don't remember the details, but this reminds me of some advice I got once when posting about processing anger for the first time ever. I had been low key taught that I wasn't entitled to anger, because if someone treated me badly, it was my fault, so in a situation that would cause the average person anger, I instantly converted it to shame. Recently I've been working on recognizing anger and trying to deal with it, which has been challenging. Soneone in the mental health field commented that this kind of progress involves many setbacks, but that even the setbacks are part of the growth, and you have to remain committed no matter how discouraged you feel. It's all about just having that awareness that this is your pattern, and not letting yourself fall into the trap where you really believe it's your fault again.
Idk it just really stuck with me and has been helpful in the less liberating times, just knowing that even low points count.
This is good for me to hear too! I'm a recovering perfectionist and it's really easy for me to be like "I'm not healing fast or well enough" or whatever and move the goalposts on myself. But I'm learning to be gentler with myself and meet myself where I am on any given day. Some days are just about hanging onto progress, and others can actually be about progressing.
Oh for sure it did help... Been going through a rough time lately and it was nice to read something positive and uplifting like that (and I related to having been a people pleaser thing)...
Your wolves example makes me think of a story or legend that I only half remember ...if I get it straight I'll come back and share it later, but I'll end for now by saying I completely agree that humor helps immensely!
Got myself diagnosed with ASD + ADHD. I certainly havenāt fully stopped the harsh inner criticism but in a single day, I stopped hating myself. Being undiagnosed and raised the way I was intentionally taught me to despise all of my characteristics that werenāt normal. Only to realize in an instant that I am perfectly normal for how my brain developed, and in fact, Iām exceptional for getting as far as I did with as little support. Also, knowing that my parents both knew and either abandoned me in my state or intentionally taught me to hate myself helped me see that I hadnāt done anything wrong by existing. As crazy as it may seem, i genuinely thought I was an evil person for existing like that
I followed the internet's advice & would internally tell myself no when I said something mean after looking in the mirror. it takes a long time to work but it's just building a habit. Now I'm working on negating the random things I say out loud when alone bc I vocalize a lot when my mind is elsewhere. it's been harder but I have to shut myself down & I hope it will be fruitful
It took a lot of trial and error but I started replacing "I'm not enough" thoughts with "I'm doing my best". Honestly, I had to see how much my self criticism was holding me back before I even tried to change.
I met a guy in my early twenties who taught me how to be kinder to myself and prioritize my own needs. I was heavily insecure about my looks and basically gave my all in my studies and academic life to compensate. I was firmly convinced that since I am not pretty, therefore worthy of appreciation or love (external validation), then I better be smart, educated and intelligent (internal validation). He taught me I could be both, and even more than that, and that I should be more benevolent towards myself as a human being.
Ironically, I started being prettier and loving myself more when I stopped looking for external validation especially from men. The more I decentered them, the more I was allowing to be and explore myself. I'm progressively going towards the woman I dreamed myself to be and I am happy about that. The happiness and kindness I give to myself makes me happy overall. And curiously I get approached more by people (men and women) interested in knowing me but also helping me grow and be better, which I reciprocate joyfully and gratefully.Ā
I still hold myself onto strict standards and boundaries BUT I allow myself to fail and fix myself when needed.Ā
Maybe silly, but I grew up and observed my own success. Not saying it was overnight, and Iām not a CEO or anything, but seeing how my efforts steadily paid off, how my career was growing, how I learned to love and be loved, all those things made me a lot kinder to myself. Itās crazy how even my body image got better, despite me not looking like the Ā«Ā idealĀ Ā» I had in mind in my early 20ās - and itās not from complacency! I like myself and Iām proud of myself (and it really helps to have family and friends and a partner who feel the same and show it)
I learned the hard way. I lost a couple of good people in my life to learn that no one will save me but myself. It's been the most painful & self-aware experiences of my life.
Iām so proud of you for learning that, Iām leaving my ex and I really hope that they learn this lesson too, because their self hatred has poisoned all of their relationships, especially ours, so thanks for helping me have some hope for their future
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I am still learning. I am very harsh on myself. My mom liked to compare me to my cousins when I was a child so I just kinda grew up believing I was never good enough.
I took part in a well-being course with my PT a couple of years ago. We would do things like record how much protein we ate daily, how much exercise we did, push ourselves out of our comfort zones etc.
But the biggest challenge we got was changing our mindsets in a positive way - being tasked to find three different things we were thankful for in the morning and at the end of the day. Being tasked to focus on positives and do one kind thing every day during the course. It helped me reflect on the things I had in life and what I was good at or the new skills Iād learned vs what I didnāt have/what I perceived to be bad at etc. it made me realise that I had a lot of things to be thankful for. And that I had many skills - I just needed more confidence in myself.
The other instance was when I failed my PGDE teaching course. It made me realise that experiencing failure is a normal aspect of life and that I did have some skills that I excelled that even if I didnāt gain my teaching qualification. My mentor highlighted I should try and see the positives in everything rather than having a negative attitude all the time (I was really hard on myself during the course). So I did just that - focusing on the small wins and small things to appreciate rather than take them for granted.
Iāve noticed a major difference in my attitude towards everything. Even if Iām having a bad day, I simply acknowledge my feelings (thatās itās okay to be sad etc) - but I also remind myself that anything bad thatās happened isnāt a reflection on me and that Iām appreciated Iām many ways. I nowhere near self-sabotage like I used to.
Trauma therapy, antidepressants, and being in a relationship with someone who treats me better than Iāve ever treated myself, and has taught me how to care for myself better.
I cut off contact with my family for a couple of years and did a lot of therapy. I still struggle with it, but my relationship with my mom is better (still not in contact with older brother), and Iām able to notice when Iām being harsh to myself. It still happens, but less severe and I recognize it and remind myself to be kinder. I also make friends who do not remind me of how my family treated me growing up, and being in a positive environment where the negative self talk isnāt encouraged makes it more evident how unhealthy it is. I did a lot of work, but still have a lot more to do.
I made a conscious effort to change the way I spoke to myself and try to always find a positive thing to say. After a while it became habit and now I hardly ever think something harsh about myself and if I do, it's pretty easy to rephrase it.
Working on my health, fitness (and realizing that I deserved than my ex) also worked wonders on my self esteem.
I put a lot of work into improving my mental health. Daily work., therapy, self-reflection, mental processing, journaling, meditation, psychedelics, establishing and enforcing boundaries. To continue to be harsh to myself is to dismantle all that work. I can't have it all be for nothing, I can't go backwards.
My dad was really hard on me. Iām still hard on myself at times, but Iāve taught myself to recognize it. So when I do, I stop and ask myself things like, āwhat can you do about this right now?ā āDoes worrying help anything?ā āCan you change the outcome?ā Etc. I havenāt stopped being hard on myself completely but this helps a lot of the time.
Stopped listening to my family š¤£
Based
It sounds cliche, but when I had kids, something changed in my head. I knew I had to show them what healthy self esteem looked like because I spent so many of my younger years hating myself because I wasnāt pretty enough, a size 0 etc etc. I think a lot of us who were/are hard on themselves comes from how our care givers treated us. I had a VERY caustic Mother , criticised everything about me, from my IQ (or lack of it!) to my waistline.
My mom had a harsh mom, and she was always supportive and encouraging to me, and I have a lot of self love and self esteem, so you're doing it right! I also have a close relationship with her.
Thank you ā¤ļø
I used to be very self-critical and in constantly proving to others mode, busy in seeking validation. But while growing up I realized no matter how much I try, I can't satisfy every important person of mine because we all have different take on various instances of life matters. Also, I learned to make myself a priority by investing in my wellbeing, my nutrition intake, my hobbies, increasing my knowledge about human behavior, being with people who energies me and getting away from energy suckers. Avoidance from energy suckers is also very very important. Because I can do what I want or what I am capable of only when I take care of myself
Questioning where those habits of thought came from. Focusing on the unconditional love and sincere respect from people who i value the opinion of and how they see me. Noticing when those unkind thoughts bubble up and unpicking whether they were true or just what I'd been taught to believe.
I always say that my people are good people, because my friends are kind and compassionate and witty and lovely people to be around. Then I realised that people this kind and awesome wouldn't associate with me if I wasn't also kind and compassionate and witty and lovely. So if I believed they were lovely, I also had to believe the same of my own self.
It also helped to think about who i was trying to prove myself to. Unravelling that took loads of pressure off.
Trying to be more aware of what my inner critic is saying to me. I can speak to myself in a way Iād never speak to a friend. Instead of being harsh and focusing on negatives, Iām trying to keep a more healthy perspective. I think gratitude journaling morning and night helps me to get there.
It started by realizing how unproductive being hard on myself was. At the end of the day, being harsh and callous with myself didnāt fix my issues, it just made them worse for the most part. From there, the cause of my overly self-critical tendencies unravelled, and I realized a lot of it was rooted in my ideal looking, but deeply unstable and violent childhood.
TL;DR: Being harsh on myself didnāt accomplish anything, and also therapy helped massively.
I grew up believing that being hard on myself was the same thing as being disciplined. If I wasnāt constantly pushing, correcting, or criticizing myself, I thought I was being lazy or irresponsible. It took complete burnout for me to realize that what Iād been calling āmotivationā was actually self-punishment dressed up as productivity. Learning to treat myself better didnāt start with becoming more efficient or āfixingā myself it started with rest. With letting myself pause without guilt and accepting that I donāt have to earn rest or kindness.
I've been working on what I call "The Reverse Golden Rule". Expect others to treat you how you treat them. I'm a conflict averse person and fairly empathetic. I'm always nice, always take the high road, and never make assumptions about people. It always just crushed me when someone was unnecessarily unkind to me. I was a chronic people pleaser and just couldn't cope when someone treated me like dirt (shocking prequel bombshell: my parents often treated me like dirt). I would go so far out of my way to win their favor, as if I'd be a failure at life if I didn't. I treated every human interaction as though I was beginning at a disadvantage.
Last year or so, I had the epiphany that I'm actually allowed to not like people, too. I don't like my neighbor who doesn't communicate outside of saying brutally hurtful things, seemingly out of nowhere. I still take the high road, but for once, it's not because I want her to like me, it's because I feel I would lose some of my dignity if I got down in the mud with her. We are not friends and will not be friends. I'm choosing that because she doesn't fit The Reverse Golden Rule. There are a lot of people in the world, it's okay to use a filter.
I related to this on many levels... Thank you for taking the time to share it ā¤ļøāš©¹
I'm glad if it helped a little! Remember, you deserve the same empathy and respect you give other people, they're not just automatically better than you. I named the two wolves inside of me "Mr. And Mrs. Claws". They do not have a good marriage. Mrs. Claws is rational and understanding. Mr. Claws is a belligerent drunk. Sometimes when I catch myself automatically thinking I'm worse than other people and I need to make up for it, I'll say to myself "Mr. Claws, who let you out rehab!? You were sentenced to eight weeks!!!" lol. I try to make it funny, because if I laugh, I know my mindset is reorienting in the right direction.
Goodness, I needed to hear this. I'm getting better at reminding myself, but I also fall into the trap of automatically thinking other people deserve it and I don't. Two steps forward, one step back.
I don't remember the details, but this reminds me of some advice I got once when posting about processing anger for the first time ever. I had been low key taught that I wasn't entitled to anger, because if someone treated me badly, it was my fault, so in a situation that would cause the average person anger, I instantly converted it to shame. Recently I've been working on recognizing anger and trying to deal with it, which has been challenging. Soneone in the mental health field commented that this kind of progress involves many setbacks, but that even the setbacks are part of the growth, and you have to remain committed no matter how discouraged you feel. It's all about just having that awareness that this is your pattern, and not letting yourself fall into the trap where you really believe it's your fault again.
Idk it just really stuck with me and has been helpful in the less liberating times, just knowing that even low points count.
This is good for me to hear too! I'm a recovering perfectionist and it's really easy for me to be like "I'm not healing fast or well enough" or whatever and move the goalposts on myself. But I'm learning to be gentler with myself and meet myself where I am on any given day. Some days are just about hanging onto progress, and others can actually be about progressing.
Oh for sure it did help... Been going through a rough time lately and it was nice to read something positive and uplifting like that (and I related to having been a people pleaser thing)...
Your wolves example makes me think of a story or legend that I only half remember ...if I get it straight I'll come back and share it later, but I'll end for now by saying I completely agree that humor helps immensely!
Got myself diagnosed with ASD + ADHD. I certainly havenāt fully stopped the harsh inner criticism but in a single day, I stopped hating myself. Being undiagnosed and raised the way I was intentionally taught me to despise all of my characteristics that werenāt normal. Only to realize in an instant that I am perfectly normal for how my brain developed, and in fact, Iām exceptional for getting as far as I did with as little support. Also, knowing that my parents both knew and either abandoned me in my state or intentionally taught me to hate myself helped me see that I hadnāt done anything wrong by existing. As crazy as it may seem, i genuinely thought I was an evil person for existing like that
I followed the internet's advice & would internally tell myself no when I said something mean after looking in the mirror. it takes a long time to work but it's just building a habit. Now I'm working on negating the random things I say out loud when alone bc I vocalize a lot when my mind is elsewhere. it's been harder but I have to shut myself down & I hope it will be fruitful
It took a lot of trial and error but I started replacing "I'm not enough" thoughts with "I'm doing my best". Honestly, I had to see how much my self criticism was holding me back before I even tried to change.
I met a guy in my early twenties who taught me how to be kinder to myself and prioritize my own needs. I was heavily insecure about my looks and basically gave my all in my studies and academic life to compensate. I was firmly convinced that since I am not pretty, therefore worthy of appreciation or love (external validation), then I better be smart, educated and intelligent (internal validation). He taught me I could be both, and even more than that, and that I should be more benevolent towards myself as a human being.
Ironically, I started being prettier and loving myself more when I stopped looking for external validation especially from men. The more I decentered them, the more I was allowing to be and explore myself. I'm progressively going towards the woman I dreamed myself to be and I am happy about that. The happiness and kindness I give to myself makes me happy overall. And curiously I get approached more by people (men and women) interested in knowing me but also helping me grow and be better, which I reciprocate joyfully and gratefully.Ā
I still hold myself onto strict standards and boundaries BUT I allow myself to fail and fix myself when needed.Ā
wow I love this so much. this is inspiring. thank you for sharing.
[deleted]
You can learn to treat yourself better?
I stopped listening to my family tbh and I surrounded myself around friends that supported me, it helped a lot
Maybe silly, but I grew up and observed my own success. Not saying it was overnight, and Iām not a CEO or anything, but seeing how my efforts steadily paid off, how my career was growing, how I learned to love and be loved, all those things made me a lot kinder to myself. Itās crazy how even my body image got better, despite me not looking like the Ā«Ā idealĀ Ā» I had in mind in my early 20ās - and itās not from complacency! I like myself and Iām proud of myself (and it really helps to have family and friends and a partner who feel the same and show it)
I learned the hard way. I lost a couple of good people in my life to learn that no one will save me but myself. It's been the most painful & self-aware experiences of my life.
Iām so proud of you for learning that, Iām leaving my ex and I really hope that they learn this lesson too, because their self hatred has poisoned all of their relationships, especially ours, so thanks for helping me have some hope for their future
Work on self limiting beliefs with a therapist
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CBT- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, from a book by David Burns
I still havenāt learned helpš©
Got diagnosed with anxiety.
Moved away from my family and went low contact for several years.
I am still learning. I am very harsh on myself. My mom liked to compare me to my cousins when I was a child so I just kinda grew up believing I was never good enough.
I haven't but stopping listening to my family has helped.
Got away from my family and found people who actually liked me.
I looked into my religion more and it told me to have mercy on myself. All the things I was being harsh about werenāt important to my religion.
Well in two instances:
I took part in a well-being course with my PT a couple of years ago. We would do things like record how much protein we ate daily, how much exercise we did, push ourselves out of our comfort zones etc.
But the biggest challenge we got was changing our mindsets in a positive way - being tasked to find three different things we were thankful for in the morning and at the end of the day. Being tasked to focus on positives and do one kind thing every day during the course. It helped me reflect on the things I had in life and what I was good at or the new skills Iād learned vs what I didnāt have/what I perceived to be bad at etc. it made me realise that I had a lot of things to be thankful for. And that I had many skills - I just needed more confidence in myself.
The other instance was when I failed my PGDE teaching course. It made me realise that experiencing failure is a normal aspect of life and that I did have some skills that I excelled that even if I didnāt gain my teaching qualification. My mentor highlighted I should try and see the positives in everything rather than having a negative attitude all the time (I was really hard on myself during the course). So I did just that - focusing on the small wins and small things to appreciate rather than take them for granted.
Iāve noticed a major difference in my attitude towards everything. Even if Iām having a bad day, I simply acknowledge my feelings (thatās itās okay to be sad etc) - but I also remind myself that anything bad thatās happened isnāt a reflection on me and that Iām appreciated Iām many ways. I nowhere near self-sabotage like I used to.
Trauma therapy, antidepressants, and being in a relationship with someone who treats me better than Iāve ever treated myself, and has taught me how to care for myself better.
āØ I haven't āØ
I cut off contact with my family for a couple of years and did a lot of therapy. I still struggle with it, but my relationship with my mom is better (still not in contact with older brother), and Iām able to notice when Iām being harsh to myself. It still happens, but less severe and I recognize it and remind myself to be kinder. I also make friends who do not remind me of how my family treated me growing up, and being in a positive environment where the negative self talk isnāt encouraged makes it more evident how unhealthy it is. I did a lot of work, but still have a lot more to do.
I made a conscious effort to change the way I spoke to myself and try to always find a positive thing to say. After a while it became habit and now I hardly ever think something harsh about myself and if I do, it's pretty easy to rephrase it.
Working on my health, fitness (and realizing that I deserved than my ex) also worked wonders on my self esteem.
Still trying! But i guess what helps is small selfcare activities till you start loving yourself more
You start to realize how much you missed out on by being harsh. When you get older and see your younger self it becomes much clearer.
I put a lot of work into improving my mental health. Daily work., therapy, self-reflection, mental processing, journaling, meditation, psychedelics, establishing and enforcing boundaries. To continue to be harsh to myself is to dismantle all that work. I can't have it all be for nothing, I can't go backwards.
My dad was really hard on me. Iām still hard on myself at times, but Iāve taught myself to recognize it. So when I do, I stop and ask myself things like, āwhat can you do about this right now?ā āDoes worrying help anything?ā āCan you change the outcome?ā Etc. I havenāt stopped being hard on myself completely but this helps a lot of the time.
I was having muscle tension, insomnia issues. It was ease up on myself or make myself ill.
I realized no one else is going to do it for me lol. I needed to be my own cheerlearder