Hello everyone,
I honestly never thought I'd find myself writing here, but recently, I've been going through an new phase of thinking, looking to discover myself internally and redefine who I am.
I'm becoming more and more interested in the idea of adopting a more feminine look. However, I've always been okay with my life as a male, with my name and "he/him" pronouns; I'm not experiencing the kind of distress that some people do.
Actually, I am against all social norms. My utopian dream is a world where everyone is fully free to be themselves, for everything beyond just questions of gender expression. And I could clearly imagine myself trying out feminine clothes, makeup, nails, jewelry, and so on.
In reality, this isn't a sudden thought; thinking back, I feel like this curiosity has always been there, even if I never truly acknowledged it. A few strange anecdotes come to mind:
- Around the age of 5, at school, I put purple marker on my nails to imitate a group of girls at the same time. I found it pleasant, until the supervisor orderred that we all wash it off.
- Later, around age 10, I remember starting to imagine scenarios such as "what if I were a girl".
- I occasionally chose female avatars or characters in video games, and people were surprised.
- Once, my grandmother mistakenly gave a jacket with a flower to me as a gift that I thought was pretty, but my mother unfortunately got rid of it immediately.
I tell myself that not everyone feels this way so strongly; it doesn't seem like a coincidence. Especially since a child like me at the time had no idea what a trans or lgbt person was; I couldn't have imitated that from anywhere.
Also, my mindset isn't coherent; I envy a more feminine look, but I enjoy going to the gym and I'm always too lazy to shave my beard.
I have no intention of making irreversible changes: no hormones, no surgery, no administrative changes, nor to look too overdone. In fact, I'm not looking to be a woman, neither completely nor permanently; and I don't feel aligned with the queer social group, as I'm not going as far as some people.
However, today I don't know what to do. I would really like to try experimenting a little one day far away from my home, but I don't know when or how or when or with whom. I have already half-decided to have a long haircut with highlights that I really like for the next time at the hairdresser. I live in an unfriendly environment, I'm never alone all year, and I don't want to lose dear and useful social relationships.
If you have any thoughts, I'd like to hear everything. Thank you
My history is somewhat similar. My childhood activities included playing dress up with a friends sister. Sadly when the "Adults" found out I got packed off an all boys private school to "man me up". Didn't work😉. Later I met and married my late wife, who complained that I often was more of a woman than a man. Now I'm widowed my internal femme needs/demands expression. Whilst my gender is somewhat undefined, I'd say I'm most likely fluidfluxfae! So now I wear a mix of androgenous and feminine outfits. It quite settling to outwardly present my inner self to the world. Most people and work colleagues have been supportive indeed so the crass comments about gender have ceased in my vicinity at least!
If you woke up tomorrow in a female body, and no one remembers you as anything but a woman (basically, there’s no fear of being ostracized for being trans), how would you feel?
There’s nothing incoherent about this. Women can like going to the gym and can be lazy with grooming.
To answer that famous question, I would say that I would find it interesting and pleasant. But I focus more on the freedom to be however we want, than on a real gender transition, you see
I don't think it's incoherent. How you look or want to look and your gender identity are ultimately not all that related. All that matters is how you want to express yourself and how you identify.
You don't owe anyone a particular performance of masculinity, femininity, androgynousness...
I'm not interested in how you identify or what groups you spend your time with but I know for a fact that my local non-binary group would absolutely welcome you. As would other queer groups. You don't describe yourself as non-binary so I'm not making any assumptions but some of what people there have told me lines up with what you said and having a community where you do feel safe and get support for being who you are could be valuable.
Thank you.
As a funny detail, I see from your profile that you seem to be from Antwerpen, I'm in Mons/Bergen for some months lol.
Regarding what you say about non-binary, I factually and biologically consider myself a man. I just think about a society in which expression is not linked to gender.
I see gender and sexual attraction as being separate. Gender is akin a perception filter through whuch we project and receive information about the outer world. Biology is what we inhabit, the filter construct is the through which we intereact and learn.