On the brink of a separation and we’re worried about how our children will cope. They are extremely attached to us both, and miss and moan about missing either one of us when we go away for even one night. They are preteens. Husband currently works from home and I work part time so they’re used to having us around all the time. We are terrified of what this big loss will do to them , how they will cope with this and what effects it will have on them. Anyone out there been through this and how did the kids , around their age cope and were there many long term effects?
Sorry to hear you’re going through separation. I did an online seminar with Rainbows on parenting through separation and the one thing that was said that stuck with me was that kids are more affected by how parents get on after the divorce than the divorce itself.
100% this. Once they still see mom and dad chatting and being friendly and 'normal' ( even if ye have to pretend) this is far more important than the separation itself and the practicalities that go with it. Kids like us adults just want peace and not to have to deal with stress that is none of their making. Good luck with it, put them first at all times.
As a kid of divorced parents, oh boy is this true.
Every single divorce I saw growing up - affected the kids - I can think of the top of my head multiple families the kids went off the rails
Pretty sure it’s far more traumatic for kids to live with parents that should separate but don’t. A toxic or sad home environment is far worse than having two parents who live separately but parent amicably - and who make sure you have two homes where you are loved and cherished.
Straight up facts. I came from parents who should have just left each other but didn't and it was horrible. Has definitely impacted me and my siblings. I was only reading up on childhood trauma recently and I ticked every box for my own struggles.
I came from this type of environment and it had lasting damage.
Kid of divorced parents - it sucks at the start. It's a lot to adjust to with schedules and all that. What ended up working out best for us was a week with one parent and then a week with the other, and an option for a visit day in the middle if either parent got too overwhelmed etc. it was long enough that we could settle into the environment a bit and make it a home base, rather than some place you have to go to the odd time.
Theres no avoiding it being shite for the kids. It's going to affect them, and there'll definitely be a rough patch for everyone involved, but it'll be better than being in a house with parents who don't like each other. If you can keep things friendly with your stbx though, that's the main thing. If you two can't get along then the kids might feel like they're not allowed enjoy their time with one or the other parent, or that they can't tell you about anything good going on in the other home.
Also a lot of people suggest getting a dog in the new home - think really really carefully about it. Yes, it can make kids excited rather than confused about the situation, yes it can be good for the person moving out to get a routine going etc, but please just think reasonably. The amount of "divorce dogs" in shelters in unreal.
Oh also, make sure you're both going to act like a team when it comes to discipline and decisions. My dad was the "fun" house and my mam ended up being the "strict" house. "Fun" meant ZERO washing done, eating shite food, no cleaning any bedrooms or any kind of chores, by us OR dad. "Strict" meant going to bed at a reasonable time, making sure your clothes (and self) were clean, and occasionally being told "no". It caused a bit of resentment against my mam, even though my dad was the drunk one who couldn't string a sentence together after 8pm. If you can both agree to keep a similar enough routine for the kids it'll help them loads with keeping things stable and just developmentally.
We do like each other. We get on well, but there’s no romantic connection anymore. He wants to stay together for another couple of years til kids are settled in secondary. If I thought there was a chance we could work on it and make inroads in our connection during that time I would be open to that. But there’s no hope of that, so I’ve been told. So we could plod along in a loveless marriage for sake of the kids , or blow it all up in order to show a better example of what love is meant to look like. Neither option is what I want.
That's somehow way more heartbreaking than if you'd fallen out entirely, I'm so sorry. I don't want to give any advice on what to do with the marriage as I have zero experience with that, all I could think to suggest would be to go to a counsellor with your husband and try plan out what the future looks like, married or not. Best of luck to you, whatever happens it'll work itself out in the end
Please don't do this. My parents stayed together until my siblings and I finished college, then divorced. I stopped going home, because I didn't know where home was anymore. It ruined my relationship with both of my parents. We only got on good terms again in my early 30s, and my mother died shortly after. I always think it would have been easier if my parents had separated when we were young because we would have had an established base, even if it's half and half.
I'm divorced from an awful man who was terrible to me. After we split he was a terrible father to my children and now they almost never see him or talk to him. I wouldn't have divorced him if he'd been at all tolerable, because when we were together, even though I did all the work, they loved being with him. Given that your kids are so bonded to the both of ye, might you consider just plodding along in a marriage that may be lacking romantic spark but clearly not mutual respect and liking? Divorce is shite for the kids no matter how amicable the parents are. As for "showing a better example of what love is meant to look like", that's a crapshoot. If you're with someone you like and get on with, staying together even if only for the sake of the kids, is what love actually looks like. No offense meant, and best of luck.
Hi been there and 5 years on. The number 1 thing that will inform how well they adjust is them seeing ye treat each other with respect and remain a team in terms of their care and needs.
I know this is odd to say when ye are literally breaking up but as I say I’ve been there and after a difficult adjustment for my ex he got on board.
Some things will be unavoidable such as one of ye moving out so it is important that the kids still have access to the other parent regardless of who the kids stay with “the most”.
They will be very upset but consistency is important and accepting new way will be helped by knowing what’s going on.
For example, My kids were with me all week and with him fri/ sat to Sunday evening.
He would also bring the young lad to training/ matches during the week and daughter to her stuff.
They would kick up sometimes and want to be with me for weekend and that was grand too.
If his family or my family had events or anything there was no strain on collecting and dropping back.
But the core was there as long as the communication between us was respectful, and led for the kids welfare, not being petty because it didn’t work out for us.
It was not all roses and I’m not saying we were paragons; my ex really wanted to impose a lot at the start, was trying to continue arguments and stupid behaviour but finally realised that he had to let go of control (a reason of separation🤨).
5 years on, My daughter is in college and boy near end of secondary. The basic structure and edits are still there but he will stay with his dad longer sometimes as nearer to his job and my daughter does too when off.
Every birthday we go out together or occasion we attend together.
Every Christmas he comes over in the morning and we do presents and have big breakfast and he takes them then off then.
If my family can do it, with the reasons for our breakup, anyone can and should offer up personal issues for kids best interest. Though I do suggest strong boundaries for making your own unit minus ex/ not coming and going all the time.
2 happy homes are better than one miserable one !
Edit: if there is a safety concern then this will not work, obvs.
You sound like a great person ❤️
Oh You are so sweet to say that.
I’m actually a petty b in lot of ways but also pragmatic.
you only get one chance at rearing children with some hope of them becoming happy and functional people who will want to talk to you when they are grown ups. 🌟
Thanks for all the replies. Yes it’s an extremely difficult time . We’re still living together and trying to figure out what the next steps are. We get on well , albeit in an emotionally disconnected way. I have some resentments for sure, but I am old and mature enough to know to keep that away from the children’s experience. They haven’t a clue what’s coming for them and we’re utterly heart broken knowing we are going to blow up their worlds, and want nothing more but to be able to give them the stable one family home they deserve 😢
There’s a Parents Plus programme specifically for parenting while separated that might be worth a look? For what it’s worth, even the fact that you re both thinking about what’s best for them bodes well. Mind yourselves x
43m. I’m sorry for what’s happening but i might be able to help. I split from my wife of 17 yrs and we had 3 children . At the time my eldest boy was 12 , middle girl 7 and youngest boy 5. We split over night so it was a big shock but she was having an affair (which is irrelevant). This is about the kids. My youngest son didn’t even know what was happening but he lost a lot of weight but this is where it gets serious. My daughter and I were extremely close , she was like a koala bear on my leg 24/7 . She took it hard ,she comfort ate for 5 yrs and put on a lot of weight. There was a lot of tears. Now my eldest son is the hardest to talk about but he tried committing suicide . I watched him getting pumped in the back of an ambulance. He self harmed on a daily basis for a few years. We went through a lot together and we are now best friends. This all happened approximately 10/11 yrs ago and I have some good news for you now . My eldest son is completely fine , I’m so proud of him . He does have social anxiety issues still but he’s great . My daughter is over 18 and works now , she’s going to college next year after a year break . My youngest is a scholar and a gent way beyond his years. We are all very close. Look it’s extremely tough but you have to speak to the kids together and reassure them ye will be there for them together even though ye don’t love each other anymore. If you ever need advise or just to talk PM here. I’m always available. It will be ok .
Lessons learned, by myself and others I have seen go through this:
No matter what, no matter how angry or bitter ye might get (and as you work through the process of grieving for your relationship, you will probably hit those points) - Don't use the kids as weapons or pawns. - Equally, don't spoil the kids out of guilt. - Do your best to keep everything the same, agree one set of parenting rules. - Don't go down the path of "when they're with me I do things my way". You will mess them up, ruin their sense of security and might lead them to play you against each other. - Don't fight in front of the kids. - Don't bitch about each other in front of the kids. And don't allow anyone else to. They are going to struggle with the change as it is.
If you do this right, you will teach them to cope with change, and that change is not a bad thing.
If ye stay amicable, even if it means swallowing your pride and being uncomfortable, your kids will be ok. They have to come first in this, not ye're petty disagreements. Show them what a healthy breakup looks like, because this is going to shape how they manage relationships and breakups their adulthood.
Also, keep in mind you are empowering the here - they will learn that when it isn't working out, it isn't the end of the world. Life moves on.
Search a few of the "stuck it out for the kids" posts on this sub and others.
The resentment the replies have for their parents is always jarring.
If you and your ex-partner are amicable and mature with the kids it will absolutely foster a much better atmosphere for them to adjust in.
It would probably be worth getting some form of solo counseling for the kids to help them navigate it.
As a child of divorce but a protracted and drawn out process (18 years) I wish my parents had just got it done and established the new normal.
Get them into therapy as you navigate the new set up.
Kids are resilient. They will adapt provided their new normal is one filled with love and respect. If you both can be civil and respectful to and about each other, it will go so much easier.
Just make sure that you work out the ins and outs of custody arrangements and that any hiccups are resolved amicably. Ye are still a team even if you are no longer together. No matter how difficult shit gets, they and their wellbeing come first. Keep calm and carry on. You can rant away once the kids are no longer in ear shot.
Lastly, make sure to engage with any professional counselling you can get for both you and the kiddies. The end of a relationship is tough. Look after yourself so you can look after them. I'm sorry you are going through this but if there's no hope for the relationship then it's better it ends now before you become embittered. That really wouldn't be good for anyone.
My parents are the type that should have divorced but never did. That left a lasting impact. So you are doing the right thing.
When my sister got divorced, it really was the focus for her. Her and her ex get on better now divorced. There was of course a big adjustment period for the kids. When the kids were with her, they wanted their dad. The minute they were with their dad, they wanted her. This was just coming out of lockdown so the children were used to having both parents around 24 hours.
Open communication and respect for everyone was key- regardless of whatever grievances her and her ex had with each other. That was never spoken of in front of the kids. We were also told not to be bad mouthing the ex in front of the kids.
It was simple things like they would ask the kids if you really want to see that parent, let’s give them a call to chat. Usually that was enough. Sometimes they would call into that parent for a few minutes and the kids settled. In the end, the kids needed to know that when they were with the parent whose turn it was - it didn’t mean they didn’t have access to the other parent.
Years later and they seamlessly have 50/50 custody and I really think it was best for all parties.
I think my sister had a similar situation to you. Her ex is a good father but they had fallen out of love. It was literally do we stay together for the kids etc.
Her and her ex both have met other people who the kids love and it really did turn out well (as much as it can do) for them.
I love this, thanks for the reply.
We were older when we started our family so moving on to another relationship is a long shot (for me more than him , since he can date younger !) but it’s still nice to hear of happy endings. My parents prob would have separated themselves if they were living in this era , but they stuck it out because the alternative was worse. Now married 52 years and very happily supporting each other and good companions . It’s hard to know , but my marriage is not my parents , my Dad is not my husband and this is the situation we find ourselves in so all I can do is what’s best for us all now.
Really sorry to hear this. Is there any chance at all that it *might * be possible to save the marriage ...ie attend counselling together?
We did a few sessions. My husband had already detached, made up his mind that we’d grown apart and couldn’t grow back to each other. Unfortunately one person cannot fix a broken marriage alone.
Fair. So true. I asked my then wife to attend couples counselling. Agreed. And then back tracked. Game over. Sadly. My daughter (arranged by her Mum) did attend a counsellor and it helped her immeasurably.
I'm so sorry, that has to be excruciating. I didn't understand and apologize for my earlier comment advising you to stick together.
As someone who was a child of divorce, parents being present and honest is hands down the most important part. Jointly love and support them, make it clear that parenting decisions cannot be divided and most importantly respect and encourage each other in your new lives both in words and in actions. I cannot emphasise the last part enough
I'm a kid of parents who stayed together for the sake of it. Honestly kids pick up on if the marriage is unhappy and staying together just likely isn't good for their perception of marriage in the long run. It'll be tough to start but it's also best for kids if it's irrecoverable. Another big thing I imagine is just being amicable post separation etc.
My parents got divorced when I was 8 and it basically ruined my life and I’ve struggled with addition and substance abuse issues to the point it’s damaged my health - but i do make decent money so. Can’t have it all I suppose
I say this with respect and compassion; I’m sure your parents did a number on you - I know mine did - but now that you’re an adult it’s time for you to take responsibility for your future.
Reach out to addiction services, get therapy, contact Piéta or whoever you can. Personally I found psychodynamic psychotherapy helpful for getting the events of my childhood into perspective, and somatic therapy after that to help me work through the pain and trauma stored in my body.
I wish you well.
Your parents divorce did not ruin your life. Your addiction and substance abuse is all you. Get therapy.
Your empathy is admirable
It's not about empathy.
It's about a grown adult blaming their parents divorce on their life choices. I imagine if they'd stayed together and the home had been miserable they'd have blamed their substance abuse on that...
Again, your empathy is admirable. Go away and look up addiction you absolute cretin. You have a lot to dissect.
Did your parents get on ok throughout or was it very acrimonious ? Were there any other factors that may have contributed to his your turned out?