EQ = Emotional Intelligence (Emotional Quotient)*
I’ve been learning about EQ-type stuff over the past few years and it has been so beneficial for me.
My husband (Japanese) and I got married recently and we now live in Japan. I’ve tried to chat with him about these topics, or share some short videos with him (English with Japanese subs) previously, but kind of to no avail.
It seems like these aren’t familiar topics and I currently don’t know the Japanese conceptualization of these topics, or even really have the vocabulary to discuss these things with him or other friends here. I think it would benefit our relationship, and it’s just something that I like talking about.
Is EQ something that people are familiar with in Japan? Do people talk about it? What do people think? How is EQ viewed?
Are there any popular books, YouTube channels, or podcasts about it? (For example, in English Brene Brown is a well-known and popular author and speaker that addresses empathy, emotion, resilience, etc.) I’d be very thankful if anyone could point me to some good resources :)
(I can read Japanese, but ideally books that are accessible for the average person, nothing too academic.)
*Edit to define EQ
Outside of relevant fields people don’t generally talk about EQ, it’s not common knowledge
知ってるけど興味ないですよ。
Do you mean EQ as in emotional intelligence?
I mean there is a wiki page on it, but as a concept in general I don't think it is that widely discussed.
Yes! Sorry, I should have written it out in the post. Going to edit to add that now if I can.
We only care about ED
Ahh Edo Drama, must be on NHK-1
💀😭
Unfortunately, the concept of EQ itself is not very well known here, so I haven’t really seen much in the way of specialized materials either.
In Japan, this concept is often understood as a value system in which not expressing emotions is regarded as being mature and objective.
When you say that you want to share EQ with your husband, it suggests that you are in a difficult situation because your husband has a low ability to recognize his own emotions and yours. In Japan, there are truly many wives who end up in this kind of situation.
Your observation "In Japan, this concept is often understood as a value system in which not expressing emotions is regarded as being mature and objective" seems quite correct to me. The cultural context or "ground" (maybe " 場 " ?) has great influence regardless of which culture is being discussed.
One discussion possiblity with the OP's husband might be to speak about the difference between not expressing emotions (for that "mature and and objective presentation of self valued by Japanese culture") and having those emotions.
The OP could maybe talk about how having those emotions is valuable and important and healthy. She could maybe talk about "empathy, emotion, resilience, etc" and how finding good ways to express them both in their relationship and in the general culture (where culturally appropriate) is important to her. Cultural filters and socialization are very strong though, regardless of the culture.
I have a background in sociology and worked years ago for a Japanese company teaching "ESL, Cultural Awareness, and Presentation Skills" to engineers, executives, medical researchers, etc. in the Tokyo/Yokohama area. These were people who were going to make presentations in the US in Engllish or represent their institutions in the US in some way.
Given my sociology background I was of course quite interested in Japanese concepts such as uchi/soto, honne/tatemae, and even (yes I know!) mono no aware. (Yes, other cultures have variations of such things too.)
I was not, however surprised to find that such concepts were not really much at play for the average Japanese person. It might be like expecting the average "Westerner" to consider how much Goffman's "front stage / back stage" presentation of self concepts applied in their daily lives.
Such a good point!
It seems like being stoic/detached/unaffected is seen as “manly,” mature, or cool. I don’t particularly think this way at all, but it’s very observable.
Yeah, I’ve been working on recognizing my own emotions and expressing them in recent years and it has been really valuable. But it’s a totally new concept to him. I’d love to offer an accessible way for him to start learning more about it.
I had to teach what EQ was to my Japanese husband and I'll tell you he has 0 EQ
So you know what I mean 😭
I don’t think my guy is at 0, but is he a typical Japanese guy soooooo
Yeah I do. 0 might have been a little harsh but I've been dealing with it for years 😤
Yeah, that’s hard. Empathy is important. We need some reels for our guys 😝
Nah I have sent him a ton of things from insta and he hadn't watched a single one.
I’ve been there too
Lame. Throw the whole man out. Lol
I think the extent of EQ in Japan would be being considerate of others, not bothering people, not sticking out as a sore thumb. Things like good customer service are a practical approach to EQ.
Anything beyond that, especially EQ in personal relations are entirely up to the individual.
If you want to communicate EQ with your husband best way to approach it is in concrete practical settings. You can see how western philosophy tends to be abstract vs. oriental philosophy in the concrete. With that in mind you'll have better luck approaching this with a better understanding of cultural mindset.
The examples you mentioned seem more like social/cultural intelligence rather than EQ. (Those things are all essential to good relationships and functioning in Japanese society though).
Could you explain more what you mean in the third paragraph?
No.
Emotional intelligence (EQ) and social intelligence (SI) are distinct yet complementary systems of intelligence that often overlap in practice.
EQ—the ability to perceive, understand, manage and use emotions to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges, and defuse conflict. For example, emotional regulation and self management would look like not burdening your close family & friends with your problems, especially as an adult. Instead, finding a healthy creative outlet; journaling, social rec, etc Defusing conflict by maintaining the harmony within the group, not rocking the boat with others over sensitive topics etc. Adapting your style of communication based on the individual i.e. parents, teachers, stranger, friend etc.
Empathizing with others is manifested a lot during customer services as we take on the "ukemi" role as a professional. EQ also encompasses social awareness, the capacity to understand others' emotions which in this case would manifest as "reading the room" and "fitting in with the crowd". This means, you're not constantly needing to be told and explained everything to the bone. You get a simple reply and you piece it together and essentially "fill in the blank" of how they came to that particular conclusion. That's part of how a convoluted society— like Japan—works. There is also this phrase, "steal with your eyes" this means, you guessed it "don't ask questions, watch and learn". This used to be the way people were expected to learn their jobs and still is to an extent. This type of empathy is called Cognitive Empathy and it's part of the theory of mind. It's a deliberate, reasoning based process that involves recognizing and interpreting another's head space without necessarily sharing their emotions.
EQ focuses on self-awareness, self-management, and emotion regulation, is more oriented toward the present and internal emotional states.
In contrast, SI—the ability to understand ones own and others' action. It is learned and develops from experience with people and learning from success and failures in social settings. For example, Japanese airport hasn't lost a luggage in 30 years. 31 years ago? Luggage lost here and there, unsatisfied customers. First we need to identify the problem then look into where we can revise and improveour course of action.
SI is future-oriented, emphasizing the ability to navigate social dynamics, understand social roles, and manage one’s image in interpersonal interactions.
Despite their differences, both are essential social and personal interpersonal relationships and they're often combined into a broader framework known as Emotional & Social Intelligence (ESI). This means that they are not mutually exclusive and frequently work together in real world scenarios.
Your question was, are people aware of EQ? The answer is yes they subconsciously do. But not so much outside of that. How do they view it? They view it in a social setting. We prioritize social harmony over individual harmony. This is where our EQ —or better yet ESI—comes into play and manifests in real life. We use EQ in order to preserve and improve our social dynamics with the world around us.
Again, beyond that is up to the individual. Usually people interested in these topics are people who are into psychology. There's been a lot of people that recently discovered HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) and it's been going around.
If you're going to introduce the concept (abstract) of EQ he's not going to get why it's relevant, if it's not relevant he's not going to want to talk about it. You need to apply it in real life settings (concrete) and make it make sense.
Thanks so much for this, it makes a lot of sense.
Whether people are familiar with these concepts, they’re absolutely using them to some extent in their daily lives, because like you said, so much of it is subconscious.
Your suggestion to make it more relevant is very helpful. My spouse tends to think in the concrete, not the abstract, so I think that will be a better way to talk about it.
As others said, the concept of "EQ" itself is not well known in Japan (actually, this is the first time I've seen this term). But regarding the topic of how to improve your communication skills, the concept of 共感力 (empathy) or 他者理解 (understanding of others) seems to be more focused on and commonly discussed well here.
If you're looking for something in Japanese you can share with your Japanese husband, I'd recommend you to search the internet by these terms first.
Thank you so much! I’ll try looking for these terms :)