I just got married to the love of my life. I've usually gotten on pretty well with my new in-laws. Usually, my mother-in-law doesn't wear perfume or at least not any that I've been able to notice. My wife had her mother be her matron of honor so she was standing with us upfront. It was a small area and with her right next to my wife, I was able to smell her perfume. Shortly after the ceremony started I started to get watery eyes and sniffles. Our ceremony was supposed to only last 20 minutes max so I thought I would just push through unless it got worse.
It didn't get worse until after the ceremony when new mother-in-law hugged me. Itchy eyes, itchy throat, and headache got added to the mix. My wife asked if I was alright and I told her I think her mother's perfume was getting to me. We had someone go get some allergy medication. I took one but it didn't do a whole lot and I started to feel out of it.
Get to the reception and we started to do our photos, and I couldn't do group photos with my mother-in-law in them. I told my wife we needed to figure something out because my symptoms weren't letting up and I didn't want to be out of it from taking more meds for our reception or have to leave our own reception. My wife asked her mom to keep some distance between us to try and make it easier for me. It didn't really. That perfume followed her like a damn cloud. Then my wife asked her mom to try and wash wherever she dabbed her perfume but mother-in-law said she hadn't dabbed it on, she spritzed herself so it was on her dress too. At that point they said they were out of ideas and there wasn't anything we could do.
I said there was one more thing and suggested that maybe mother-in-law leave to change her dress and then come back or even just go to a nearby thrift store or something and get any kind of clothes, I'd even pay for them. I asked my mother-in-law to either please to do that or to leave and we'd visit later with cake because it was getting to the point that I would have to leave. My wife and mother-in-law objected to this because my wife wanted her mom there the whole time. I understand the day was big for my wife and she wanted her mother there and I wanted her there too but I wasn't able to enjoy my own wedding. I wound up sitting outside with some of my family and groomsmen. I started to feel better and when I did, my wife came out and asked if I'd be going back inside then. I told her no so long as her mom was still there and hadn't changed.
The night ended with my wife spending our wedding night at her parents' house. AITA for asking my mother-in-law to leave?
ETA: Yes my wife is aware of this, I had a similar reaction to a perfume she bought before. This was only the third time I've had a reaction that bad to perfumes.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
But your wife didn't want her new husband there? Ooooof.
Definitely NTA.
Bad situation, but you were being reasonable.
MIL should have gone and taken a shower and returned with clean clothes.
Wife is being unreasonable - I hope you didn't sign the wedding papers yet!
I actually had an allergic reaction to the flowers in my wife's bouquet. But, since the wedding was outside it didn't hit me until days later when we were driving away from the hotel with the bouquet in the car. There wasn't a viable option for sealing it up, so we ended up tossing out the bouquet.
MIL sent over a vase of flowers a few months ago, with the same flowers. I didn't even realize it was the same flowers, but within a minute of me being in the same room I was wrecked!
In college, every time I would go over to my friend’s apartment, I would get an itchy throat and stinging eyes. Couldn’t figure out what it was for the longest time. I just resigned myself to the mystery of it. Then I go over one day and feel great and I mention it. The night before, she’d banished one of her many plants to the porch. This was a plant she had multiples of, but that one had a fungus affecting it. I was allergic to that specific fungus that only grew on that specific kind of jungle plant.
I see my perfume migraine as different from someone who can't breathe. Breathing trumps everything IMO.
If my mother in law knowingly gave me a migraine at my own wedding and refused to do anything to help—especially if my spouse chose her presence over mine—I’d be looking for immediate divorce papers.
Nevermind it getting to “i can’t breathe” levels.
OPs wife basically let him know who side she will be on now and in the future. Not his!!
MIL ruins wedding and wife stays her parents ...why? Was she mad at her husband for being allergic to her moms perfume!?
At the wedding it's even easier, just rip up the marriage license form.
I love your dedication to your friendships. "Visiting you literally makes me sick, but I'm going to keep trying til we work out why."
She was and continues to be Worth It!
Me going over there was like this cat determined to hang out with his humans despite the Onion Eyes
Wild! When I was a child I was allergic to a pothos my mum had do she and all close family members tossed their plants. I never knew and got myself a neon pothos this year, my mum was shocked but I never had an allergic reaction to it haha. Allergies are a strange thing
They are. I think having an allergy this obscure and irrelevant to my daily life is very sexy of me
I wonder how long it would have taken Dr. House to figure this one out.
Probably about an hour. 42ish minutes without commercials.
Had a similar experience with the flowers from my Dad's funeral. Couldn't for the life of me figure out why I felt so horrid. I've gone my whole life with no issues, so I thought nothing of it
It wasn't until someone sent my Mom a second Lily arrangement that I put two and two together. Made my Mom feel horrible, couldn't convince her it wasn't her fault for beans. -103837/10 don't recommend.
Gardenia perfume is what always does me in. The real flowers are kinda tolerable and will give me a mild headache. Gardenia perfume triggers a migraine so severe that it will leave me vomiting. Miscellaneous other floral scents will give me asthma attacks, but I've yet to figure out which ones.
I have to avoid anything where there's a strong chance of perfume. Church, weddings and funerals are on the short list - it wasn't until I was a teenager that they really started bothering me. It's so weird how bodies overreact to stupid, harmless things like smells.
I read a story, I believe on reddit, about a woman who had a life-threatening allergic reaction to some of the flowers in her bouquet and had to be taken to the ER.
Found the video about it.
This is what I was going to say. Tell whoever officiated to hold off on sending them in to be recorded. If your wife can't be on your side and have your back tell the officiant to tear up the license and you won't have to worry about annulment (or divorce later).
And there's the fact that she still at the parent's house. Not a good start to the marriage...it might end before it's even started.
This is just awful. I feel for OP. "I'd rather have my mom at my wedding than my husband" is never a good start. I'd imagine this is only the beginning of a marriage lacking compromise
Exactly why he needs to tell the officiant to hold off on mailing the license to be recorded. If after a week and she still can't be reasonable, he can request it be torn up and sent to OP to show that they aren't (legally) married by the state and won't be.
This bothered me as well. She treating OP like he is faking it or something. She should be pissed at her mom for not leaving or trying to do anything to fix the situation.
So on her wedding night stays with parents!
I wonder if she is lo key trying to blame OP for ruining the wedding and not her mom?
MIL: "Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in Metropolitan Orlando. It's made from real pine."
<confused look> “Who’s Bob Vance?”
You’ve got a lot to learn about this town sweetie
I don’t know who these new people think they are. I’ve sat downwind from Phyllis’ stinky perfumes for years, never said a word.
r/unexpectedoffice 😂
Agree wife and MIL are being unreasonable but I have to admit until I developed asthma I thought it was just bad allergies. Now I carry an inhaler and epipen everywhere. Op as well as figuring out if this marriage is for you PLEASE go see a doctor before you end up in an emergency room. I was driving a car and the chest pain for so bad I thought I was having a heart attack.
She could have sent someone home to get a different dress perhaps. And washed off as much as possible. NTA but I’m not sure what your wife expected you to do?
The wife spend the night at her parents house because OP had an allergic reaction and just wanted to be on his on wedding. What did she expect? That he either is totally out from medication or get killed by allergic reaction or just not join the wedding because it is so important for her that mommy is there. Mother > Husband. If possible i would annul the whole thing, she clearly showed OP her priority. And that won't change.
NTA
As someone with severe reactions (asthma, chest pain, migraine, etc) to perfumes, people don't take it seriously. Some will try to commiserate/dismiss my actual not being able to breath for several days with "some perfume bothers me too." 🥺
Anyway, my family tries, but they still use scented products.
NTA.
Ugh, seriously! I can relate so hard to this entire post and I'm so angry on OP's behalf. I've dealt with my fair share of people who would literally throw a massive tantrum being asked to remove their perfume in shared spaces as I was literally coughing/choking the second they walked by. The wife is insane to think that OP's request to remove it or leave is out of line. She should be angry at her mom for being a jerk and refusing in the first place! How easy of a thing to do for someone you supposedly love. And she's doubling down hard. I feel so so bad for OP.
I totally agree. Poor OP.
If it turned out that the perfume I was wearing to my son's wedding made his brand new husband that sick (or even a little sick!) my first move would be to leave immediately. That way he'd feel better right away and be able to enjoy his own wedding.
Then I'd figure out a way to shower and get fresh clothes in hopes of being able to come back and celebrate with them.
Then first thing I'd do when I got home is THROW THAT DAMN PERFUME AWAY!
I had to leave the family Xmas dinner because BIL's brother's wife was wearing too much perfume. After I left, I was told she "joked" that she was allergic to NOT wearing perfume.
My husband is super sensitive to smells. I had to give up perfume and scented candles when we got married. Funny thing is, I've gone without those things for so long that now they bother me, too!
Scented candles are horrible for those of us who are sensitive to smells.
And those goddamn scented dryer beads. I hate them so much.
Plug-in air fresheners, too. I have a Perfume Aunt who is pretty good about not spraying herself when she knows I'm coming, but those get me every time.
The one thing I really wish is that people don't wear perfume or aftershave when they go out to eat. I was having a very nice Mexican dinner when all of a sudden my food started tasting funny. Then I smelled it. The little old lady sitting behind us was swimming in perfume. We ended up in having to pick up our partially eaten dinner and move to the other side of the restaurant. When I passed the old lady I said "next time you go out to eat, please can the perfume. I came here to eat Mexican food not your perfume." Her reaction 'Well, I never......'.
Old ladies are so bad about the heavy perfume! I think since they've been wearing the same scent for decades they've become nose-blind to it and don't realize how much they're wearing. I love perfumes and colognes but I try to always rotate what I wear so I never get like this.
I could tell it was going somewhere like that when the MIL was her MOH. Seems too clingy.
Damn, I missed that! Who even does that?!? That is so weird and shows she is waaaaaaay too close to Mommy Dearest
Also shows that she probably has no friends, which is another red flag.
Eh, not always. Some people jus aren’t that sociable. As long as the partner doesnt mind that it doesnt have to be a problem. But there is a big difference between “i just enjoy my own company” and “i’ve alienated everyone I know.”
Yea you’d think bride and groom are No.1 priorities at the wedding, NTA OP, but you just legally bind yourself with a bunch of A H,,,,good luck with that
Not too late for annulment, OP just got a taste of what his life will be like if he ever gets sick or needs extra support.
You mean a smell of his future life 🤣
I want to know why mother-in-law wasn't mortified? How could she in good conscience just stay there knowing her perfume cloud was causing, the groom, an allergic reaction? He couldn't breath and she didn't even try to remedy her stench.
I bet, next time MIL goes to OP's place, she douses herself in perfume.
I can't imagine just going "Well, I'm out of ideas! Tough titties!" when my perfume is bothering the groom to the point of him being basically unable to breathe. People are weird.
NTA
I can't believe your mother in law and your new wife would be so selfish. You struggling to breath and simply be at your wedding is wildly messed up when mil had opportunity to just buy a new outfit or come back later.
I wanted to say the same| thing.
OP it's not just your wife's day, it's yours too,
NTA
And it CERTAINLY isn't the MIL's day. This is very foreboding for the marriage, honestly.
I thought that when the MOTB who is already part of a wedding is also the MOH, you know the apron strings are completely knotted together.
Actually, there is just one apron string, both of its ends sewn to opposite sides.
You can never, ever take the apron off....
I have this same extreme sensitivity to perfume as well and it's amazing how many people, including my now ex husband, will just roll their eyes like I am exaggerating or making it up or being a drama queen.
This sensitively is awful and if I can't get it under control it triggers a really bad migrage.
My son plays high school soccer and one of the boys drenches himself with Cologne after games. After one game, one of the mom said, well it's better than their body odor. I disagreed vehemently, I'd rather smell their body odors than Cologne or perfumes!!!
I started wearing cologne shortly before meeting my wife. I had three large bottles of different scents. Then I met her, and she's allergic to most if not all perfumes and colognes. So those bottles sit unused at my parents' place, because I care more about her comfort than smelling like sandalwood or whatever.
Edit: Thanks for the award!
I’m with you. Perfume allergies are terrible. If someone comes into my office wearing the wrong perfume, I’ll feel sick for hours until the room airs out a bit. And my allergies are pretty mild compared with OP’s and yours.
ugh, I get migraines if I'm around too much perfume/cologne, I cannot imagine being allergic on top of that
Someone gave me a small bottle of perfume that I’m absolutely in love with. It’s my favorite perfume I’ve ever smelled. Except I’m allergic to it, and it gives me an almost instant headache. It’s very sad.
I’m like this with perfumes and candles. My best friend gave me a wonderful candle for my birthday and I can’t burn it. I know it will trigger an immediate migraine and I just can’t deal with that. Especially being pregnant-all I can take is Tylenol (like that EVER works). Anyway, I had an issue with my SIL when she lived with us a couple years ago. She loves candles and the melting wax things and smelly perfumes. But anytime she’d light one or spray something, I’d get so sick. So I had to ask her not to use those things in the house. She was annoyed and thought I was trying to control her, but I was tired of being stuck in my bedroom with my new baby bc I couldn’t breathe anywhere else in my own house.
Anything that’s fake scented just really sets my body off. Sucks.
I have a friend who can’t handle almost all artificial scents because it triggers full blown migraines.
I got one of the worst migraines of my life from burnt popcorn in a small office space. Barely could get myself home from the office.
Smell has a very strong connection the the brain. You’d think people might understand that.
I'm with you - and why are people allowed to put on heavy perfume when they go to a doctor's office?? I have had to wait outside many times for this! Ugh! People!!
Haha, I’ve met very few people (other than teenaged boys) that smell worse than overpowering perfume. If you are clean and wash your clothes regularly, a small spritz is plenty. Also that stuff is expensive!
I think I win in the perfume allergy department.
I will have asthma attacks so bad around certain perfumes that 911 has been called in the past. One time when I was in middle school a kid sprayed cologne outside his locker, and they had to call 911 for me and I spent three days in the hospital.
But yet somehow I still get that same attitude from people, that I'm making it up, even as I'm quite literally not breathing!
It was well-known at my former work that I couldn't be around any scents. I missed a lot of work because of it (thank you, Bill Clinton for FMLA). I kept getting sick and having to leave or just wheeze and cough through it. I could smell something, but couldn't figure out what it was. A woman at a nearby desk acted very concerned and repeatedly checked on me. After a few days, a friend came by, saw me, went to that woman's desk, and found an air freshener behind stuff.
Someone else sprayed perfume in the stairwell just before I went in.
I wasn't a Karen. I tried my best to be invisible.
School was the worst for me because people constantly sprayed perfume in the stairwells. One time in high school, a teacher who I had for three years came running back in the classroom and was like, "Do not take the stairs! Someone sprayed perfume in there!" I had an elevator pass as a result. Other kids would get in trouble for using the elevator without a pass. I would get in trouble with the school nurse if I had to come use my nebulizer because someone sprayed perfume in the stairs and I decided I didn't feel like taking the elevator.
I actually work from home now. It helps so much because I also have chronic migraines, plus I had thyroid cancer in my early 20s and I no longer have a thyroid, so if my medication gets at all off, I get exhausted and use my lunch break to take naps, but we justified it because I kept having reactions to perfumes at work. It also helps on days when I need to use my nebulizer while working.
I'm the same. I barely leave my house now. Everything is so fragrant now. Think how many fragrances one person has on: shampoo, conditioner, hair products, deodorant, lotion, laundry detergent, fabric softener, perfume, ect. It starts adding up. Last time I went to my doctor someone had so much perfume on the entire office stunk. My doctor thought I was about to have a stroke or heart attack because my BP and heart rates were so high. Not to mention hives, migraine, muscle/joint pain. There are some perfumes that will put me in bed for days. My close family and friends believe me because they've seen me almost pass out before. Others think I'm making it up because I don't like the smell. Be damned if I ever ask anyone to tone it down, they get do triggered and pissed off!
Perfume is a personal choice, it shouldn't be in my personal space unless I'm hugging someone. It shouldn't announcers that someone has arrived!
I've similar problems. My sisters gave me an expensive face cream as gift. Every time I used it, I will start sneezing as hell (12 in a row), my eyes pop, nose sour and all the package. Had to give it back.
I got samples of an expensive day creme and night creme that was really good against wrinkles.
Woke up so swollen I could hardly see. The wrinkles were gone though 😁
A very extreme way to get rid the wrinkles 😅
Would not recommed it 😁
[removed]
This was my thought. I have a weird rare allergy and if I smell it when I enter a restaurant, I just leave, because cumulative exposure can increase the risk of anaphylactic shock. I very much doubt that new bride or MIL had an EpiPen ready to deal with that.
Lmao marriage already finished
Marriage, any percent speed run
“So here, I’m going to do a glitch to save time. It’s pretty tricky, but if I nail it, it’ll save me 14 years. Okay, MIL is coming over and….inhale! Got it! I’m now unable to breathe at my own wedding!
Aaaaaand time!”
Such a pro move.
He gets the frame-perfect timing on the hug to trigger the parry option, which he uses instead to inhale. But because his nasal inventory overflows into the next page, it can cause the officiant to soft-lock and refuse to finish the ceremony.
LMAO that's great
Op is nta
Anyone coming to AITA for marriage advice, it's already ruined. Reddit's go to advice is breakup / divorce in pretty much every situation I've ever read on here.
Most of the people who come to AITA for advice on their marriage should have never married in the first place, hence the divorce advice.
Most of the people on AITA either hate their spouses as much as peach woman, or are teenagers.
I feel like a lot of the time the reason the advice is "run, divorce" etc is because the people giving the advice actually like their spouses as they are nice people and can't fathom ever having to be chained to someone worthy of an AITA post
This. The bare minimum for staying married/in a long term relationship is that you like each other and are able to communicate well.
Yet this site is full of couples where you can tell that's very far from the reality.
People shit on this sub for being so extreme but have you read the stories on here?!?! Most are I’m being abused and it’s blatantly clear to everybody reading this but I’ve been gaslight and manipulated to the point I believe I’m the problem.
Maybe 1/10 stories on this sub DONT have abusive situations and this is one of them. Although tbh if my partner cared more about their mom than me at our wedding I’d be making sure the paperwork never got submitted.
Exactly, that's why I say this. If you're posting here, 9/10 your relationship is probably already doomed, and people are going to point it out.
I do see lots of "breakup" advice all over Reddit tho - not necessarily here. I remember the guy who pulled the warm soup out of the fridge, and had asked his wife about it. She misunderstood the question, so he was confused about why the soup was warm for a couple of hours.
The amount of people who came back with "She's gAsLiGhTiNg YoU, dIvOrCe nOw" were just ridiculous.
End a marriage over real abuse, cheating (physical or emotional), lack of love or respect? Sure. End a marriage over soup? Maybe pump the breaks a little there.
The only stories that aren't pretty bad abuse are the ones where the OP themselves is the AH.
I love to see stories where the OP is the AH and is seriously looking for feedback as to what they did wrong, because those are the only relationships on here that have a possibility of being happy down the line.
atleast they had a really expensive party
...that OP was unable to participate in.
If the marriage license hasn't been filed, then there's still time.
NTA
I understand your wife wanting her mother to be present at the wedding, but it's your wedding too. Not only that, but the perfume was giving you an allergic reaction. Watery eyes, itchy throat, headache, sound bad enough, but prolonged exposure to an allergen can make those even worse. I know someone whose throat closes up and can't breathe when they're too close to certain perfume and scents.
You tried to compromise and even offered to pay for new clothes for your MIL to change into so that she could enjoy the reception. None of their ideas worked, so what were you supposed to do? Suffer through it and potentially get even sicker, or miss out on your own wedding reception? Which it sounds like you did, since you had to sit outside, away from your own wife, on your wedding day.
Missed out on wedding night too
There's always a one-night-stand with Rosie Palms.
Madame Palme and her five lovely daughters!
NTA. Your wife and her mother refused to make reasonable accommodation for your allergy. This does not bode well for your married life.
Just to add to this: ....make reasonable accommodation for your allergy that made it essential that you sit outside to do some silly thing... oh yeah... breathe.
What are you talking about? Breathing isn't that important! He should just hold his breath like a real man.
/s
Well, I know that, but it was his wedding day and I was giving him a break.
"Who told you you needed oxygen? Some loser who was trying to make you feel small."
It was definitely an accident but the response wasn’t great. The groom didn’t get to enjoy his wedding reception and the bride and MIL didn’t care.
NTA. You tried to compromise in every polite way possible, even offered to buy her a new dress not covered in the perfume. You didn’t just straight tell her to leave as soon as it got to you. While I do understand your wife’s pov and wanting her mother there, she was extremely inconsiderate of you, her now husband. I do not think you did anything wrong here.
This was awful, everyone should have stepped up: MIL asking a niece or dear friend to dash out and pick up something for her, SIL apologizing profusely foe his dripping nose while popping allergy meds, and wife/daughter loving everyone and telling them this is going to be a wonderfully funny story to tell on your 50th anniversary party while she poses with her mother in a track suit and her husband clutching a hanky. This could have ended in laughter instead of tears.
However, this could be a time to reflect, talk with a trusted counselor and figure out how you and your wife could do better moving forward. Bonus points if tour MIL steps up to the plate and apologizes/forgives/forgets as well.
FYI my husband is sensitive to perfumes. It has become a of laughter between us, I have scents for when I am with him, and others I enjoy when I am out with my besties.
I was shocked that no one else was stepping in/stepping out to help. Like, not even the wedding party or the Groom's family who saw groom stuck outside said "i'm gonna go talk to MIL and figure out how to fix this right now." because even if MIL didn't want to leave the reception, it's not such a big deal of someone else does briefly
This is great advice.
I completely empathize with you. I developed an allergy to many perfumes that give me a migraine like headache or give me great sinus pain. I have to hold my breath if I walk near an Abercrombie and Stench.
You did all you could to compromise with MIL. It was your special day, not just your wife’s. You need to have a calm conversation with her about this allergy and set boundaries with your MIL.
I remember my late MIL would wear a triggering perfume just as we we about to go out. It was frustrating as h*lol to deal with her manipulative behavior.
NTA
I have to veer wide away from the Yankee Candle Store and Sephora.
Sephora doesn't bother me but YCS does, and Abercrombie!
Oh yes - I have to walk opposite side of walkway in front of store entrance for Abercrombie. Their smell is sooooooo pungent. And I haven't been inside a Yankee Candle Store in over a decade.
What a horrible experience for your wedding night, I would have had a migraine and probably would have crawled to bed just from the first hug.
NTA.
My local mall put a Yankee Candle in directly across from Bath & Body Works. There is now a noxious cloud covering the entire walkway between the stores. Even holding my breath and speed walking through, my eyes burn and I can still smell it. I just try to avoid that whole side of the mall.
I have to avoid Thanksgiving and Christmas scents. It's real fun and is encroaching earlier and earlier every year.
This is the worst at grocery stores that sell all the smelly decorations. And it's usually near the check out aisles
This one is hard. Your marriage did not start out really well. I would.havev been offended if you asked my mother to leave.
However, I also would have understood because of your reaction. Have you had a reaction like this before?
She could have dabbed her clothing with some water as well, but it is not surprising that people would wear perfume.
I've had a reaction like this twice before- once years ago on an airplane and then the second was when my wife bought a perfume from Victoria's Secret.
So you are obviously sensitive. I would ask everyone at future family engagements that people refrain from using it around you. I'm sorry this all transpired on your wedding day. A spritz to one person could m an 16 spritz's to another
LMAO. Asking people to refrain does LITERALLY NOTHING because the worst offenders who use the worst perfumes never refrain. I was a wedding coordinator and had many many events that were meant to be scent free and they never were. It was always Poison, Opium, Chalimar, Oscar, and Exclamation clouds all around the entire place.
I know of a respiratory therapist at a children's hospital who had to be repeatedly reprimanded for wearing scented lotions to work - in violation of hospital (or her unit's) policy. People are stupid and selfish and oblivious.
OP - definitely NTA. There were a lot of options - and your bride and ILs could have tried to come up with their own - but chose to stubbornly dig in and let you suffer.
I have severe allergies to perfume as well as asthma, I once went to the hospital for an asthma attack cause by exposure to perfume, just for a "nurse" to try and examine me after having bathed in perfume.
Oh my GOD this. I had an attack at my post-hospital check up because the RN was coated in that stuff. It’s sad, but the people who wear enough perfume to trigger this stuff are also the ones who ignore the rules.
I find that one of the most common responses from people like that is "I/my SO is allergic to perfume but the one I'm wearing is okay" 🙄
Like I said - stupid, selfish and oblivious.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
NTA—I get scent-triggered migraines, allergies to scent are no joke.
But dude…you might want to examine why your new spouse doesn’t exhibit any care or consideration for your health.
As someone who is also extremely sensitive to scent, I completely sympathize with you. You did your best to compromise and I understand that your wife wanted her mother there but it sounds like you were pushed out, in favor of her mom. Sadly, people who have not had allergic reactions like this cannot possibly understand how miserable it is.
NTA
This so much. I'm a scent triggered asthmatic and no one gets that it can be life-threatening. Hollywood has turned asthma into a funny signifier of the socially awkward instead of a medical condition. Just a nerd grabbing their inhaler and making funny sounds when they see an attractive person. Sorry but I'm literally dying of oxygen deprivation and not making my mating call.
If your allergy is that serious why didn’t you tell all the attendees to not wear perfume or cologne?
Its not something that has happened often. I've only had this reaction twice before- once on an airplane and when my wife got a perfume from Victoria's Secret.
You are sensitive to smells, I am too, welcome it's not a fun club to be in.
The kicker is not all smells will bother you, thus making people think you are lying. That's my favorite part, being called a liar.
NTA you did all you could, it's not like you were trying to kick out MIL because you don't like her.
Talk to your wife once things calm down and explain that you can't help having a reaction and it was your wedding too. What did she want you to do? Suffer?
Usually when you say it like this people understand. Good luck.
Yeah it’s super fun when one scent of arm and hammer laundry detergent is fine and another gives you an instant headache.
OMG all of this. Oh, so I can smell this lavender candle from X brand but oh no Y brand makes me feel like I'm dying :cries:
Ughh I feel that so bad, I've been called dramatic because I have a really bad reaction to perfumes with a more 'artificial' smell, like those floral smells. However, anything fruity I'm fine with, although with a slight headache.
Everyone's always like, if you don't like the smell just tell us you don't have to be so dramatic. Like, yeah, I don't like the smell because it gives me such a bad reaction lmao
Now I need to know the science behind this because florals mess me up but I love them so much and fruit smells, sometimes slightly but usually they are paired with floral.
It's the unseen illness, if people can't see it then it must not be bad right /s
Your allergies are valid and I believe you.
Perfumes with that kind of flowery chemical scent get the smell from aldehydes, such as benzaldehyde, in their recipe. So it's possible that you are sensitive to aldehydes.
BaconPhoenix, thank you so much. You gave me some place to start my research quest. I wonder if my allergist can test for that? I've only been tested for things in nature, my poor cats are the cause of some of my allergies but I love them so I take meds.
Omg. I feel like a liar when I’m not allergic to every cat. My throat closed once and I’ve had a couple other not as bad reactions. But I’m not allergic at all to my cousin’s cat so I’m a liar and crazy for trying to avoid other cats “just in case”
INFO Is it the day after the wedding now? Did your wife come back? Is your wife going on a honeymoon with you? What did your family and friends have to say about this?
Its two days after. She came home last night after doing some WFH at her parents. We are supposed to go on a honeymoon next week but she's still mad about asking her mom to both change and to leave, and that she felt embarrassed by my sitting outside and her family asking why. My friends and family aren't saying much- they asked me why I was sitting outside did an 'Oh' and generally just tried to keep me company as much as they could out there.
She's embarrassed that you were sitting outside, when being inside was causing an allergic reaction? Seriously, I'm curious what she expected you to do? Just suffer through it and be miserable at your own wedding?
Obviously this was the bride and mother of the brides wedding. The groom just needed to be there for the first part. Couldn’t care less where he was after the ceremony obviously. Crappy situation, 100% but definitely NTA. The bride and MoB had no interest in finding a solution that would have permitted the groom to participate in his wedding and and not have an allergic reaction.
They cared about where he was for the sake of appearances, though I bet the wife would also have been embarrassed if he stayed at the reception and was coughing and sneezing and wheezing the whole time.
Imagine how embarrassed she’d be if his throat closed up and the ambulance had to be called!
OP, do yourself a favour and don’t put up with this shit.
Re-read that again. She’s embarrassed that you had a reaction to her mother’s perfume and sat outside. You embarrassed her!!?!? If my husband acted this way on my wedding day he would of been hit with annulment papers. It’s so obvious that the perception of her wedding was more important than your health. Has she always been this selfish?! Good luck because you didn’t just marry her, you married her mom. You’ll always be second best… mom’s presence was more important than your own…on your wedding day. 😬
OP, this does not sound salvageable.
She still thinks you’re at fault, not her. That’s messed up.
Has the officiant filed the marriage license yet? If not, ask them to hold. It’s easier not to file it than to have to divorce.
It’s time to have a “come to Jesus” style talk with your new wife letting her know how much her actions hurt you and you’re reconsidering the marriage altogether since she picked her mother’s comfort over yours. You missed your entire wedding reception and she doesn’t care! She thinks you should have sucked it up to spare her embarrassment, instead of realizing by refusing to get her mother to change clothes and shower you were unable to be in the same room!
I’m sorry dude but your wife has zero concern about your well-being. It’s a flag as red as they come.
I’m stuck on a detail I can’t get past… you got married and had a big function on a Tuesday?
NTA
Get in touch with the officiant. Your wife doesn’t GAF about you if she stayed TWO NIGHTS at her folks house after your wedding and is EMBARRASSED by you for having an allergic reaction to perfume. Oof!
Some places have different event rates for different days of the week. I could understand someone having a weekday event if they were looking to save some $$.
That "in sickness and health" bit sailed right over her head. FFS she broke that part of the vows (assuming you used that) before the night was even over.
What on earth is she going to do when you face more serious challenges in the future?
NTA
Seriously. She didn’t even make it a few HOURS “in sickness and in health.”
If you haven’t signed the license yet, don’t. If you have signed it, don’t mail it back to be registered.
I'm sorry your marriage is off to such a rock start
Shes embarrassed because deep down she knows shes in the wrong, but she'd rather hold onto her irrational anger than swallow her pride.
Cant think of any other explanation
I need to your reflect on this. Your wife was most embarrassed about her family asking why than your health. You did not wrong.
Oh dear.
NAH. You are obviously not the asshole for having an uncontrolled medical reaction
MIL was not informed that you have a potential sensitivity and she did do her best to accommodate you on the fly ( avoiding you, and because the perfume was on the dress she couldn't wash it off). It wasn't unreasonable of her not to want to leave the wedding to find a dress at a thrift store (I think you're grossly overestimating the kinds of appropriate clothes that fit, aren't dated and aren't drenched in a funky smell at Good will).
Wife is not an asshole for being horribly distressed about her mom leaving her wedding.
What happens next is what's really important. Kicking your own MIL out of your wedding, allergy or not, is a pretty big deal. If everyone is gracious, kind, and willing to work through this as adults, there may be a chance of salvaging the relationships. See if you can throw down an olive branch?
You think he should be extending an olive branch? He didn't kick her out. She literally stayed. And he had to sit outside the rest of his own wedding!
If anyone needs to extend an olive branch, it's his wife and MIL. They were unwilling to compromise at any point. She could have GONE HOME AND COME BACK. Instead of missing an hour or two of the wedding, they chose to let him suffer the entirety of it. I'd be royally pissed. I'm surprised he isn't.
Why is her outfit more important than his physical well being?
If anyone apologizes it should be wife and mil
I would agree on the judgement except the wife went to her parents house after the wedding instead of checking on OP or even just trying to talk. That's not a great sign.
yeah i didnt even realise that. op was literally having health issues that sound pretty serious. im curious to find out if the wife even called him.
Wtf?? It's HIS WEDDING. He is the one getting married not the MIL. To think he shouldn't be prioritized above her is absurd. And the wife spending their wedding night with her parents... there's nothing to salvage here. He's better off not sending the marriage paperwork or annuling for lack of consummation if his bride says she wants her mom at the reception the whole time... but not her own dang husband. I feel so bad for this guy.
There is a lot to reply to in this but I just wanted to highlight this specific part -
"Kicking your own MIL out of your wedding, allergy or not, is a pretty big deal"
He did not want to kick her out. He wanted her to go change. Instead he had to sit outside his own reception. They kicked him out.
It is not a mark of maturity for him to rollover when you've been wronged. He is the wronged party. The biggest "olive branch" he should be forced to offer is "I am willing to move on from this with an apology"
Also just gonna say the remark about not being able to find something "appropriate" at the thrift store is bs. She didn't need to be in something appropriate she just needed to be in something not covered in perfume. It might have even been a funny story.
I will now take the insults and blocking you've been sending to everybody for not being "mature enough"
The MIL should have either gone to get another dress from home or gone to a shop/ thrift shop (that he offered to pay for). This wasn’t a mild reaction, it was strong enough that he had to sit outside and miss half of his own wedding so he can breathe. I’m pretty sure the Groom doesn’t care if the dress is dated or if it was too big or if it smelt funky. He just wanted to breathe and not suffer.
MIL wouldn't even leave the room for OP to attend his own wedding, there was no reasonableness.
Wife is absolutely an AH for thinking her mom being there is more important than her husband breathing.
Wife needs to beg for forgiveness before this marriage gets annuled.
“I am made physically ill by your presence at my wedding, so I will apologize to you.” WTF?
Absolutely wrong.
This poor man suferred and allergic reaction during his wedding. MIL should have left to change and his wife should have supported that.
I think the wife is definitely an asshole for wanting the presence of her mother more than her own husband AT THEIR WEDDING.
NTA. Your wife is though. She knows you have reactions to cheap perfume and she refused for you to pay for her mother to get a new outfit so that you could enjoy your wedding. Weddings are not just for the bride and I get sick of people saying they are. You are just as much a part of the relationship as your now wife and she should have been more understanding and asked her mom to change especially on your wedding night.
Your wife has no reason to be pissed at you and it's actually annoying that she is when you're the one that missed your whole reception and couldn't even spend the day celebrating your love to each other. Your wife is on some bullshit if she thinks she has the right to be the one upset about the whole thing.
You’re so right, especially about how weddings are not just about the bride! If OP shows any of this thread to his wife/MIL, I hope it’s your comment.
OP NTA
It's incredibly sad that your wife and MIL acted that way. NTA and I hope you can work it out.
NTA. Similarish happened at a family wedding but didn’t involve bride/groom. My mother spritzed herself with the perfume called Opium. It is really strong. Made our cousin have a severe migraine, including vomiting. Was not pleasant. Sadly the cousin had to leave as she became far too ill quite quickly.
Opium is one of the worst. It immediately makes me sick every time.
Taken out of context, this comment is hilarious.
Just saying.
It's strong stuff! Lays me out almost every time. 🥴
NTA. The AH is your MIL for refusing to accommodate you and your new wife willing to watch you suffer because she can't seem to cut the leading strings for a few minutes.
No, neither your MIL nor your wife knew that you would react to the perfume the way that you did. She should have absolutely left the venue after the ceremony and changed. Changing clothes for the reception is perfectly fine and normal, and I highly doubt anyone would have objected to her doing so. Yes, she would have on different clothes for the photos, but in the long run, that doesn't matter. She should have volunteered to do this the moment she saw you were physically suffering. But she didn't, she just basically shrugged and went, "Oh well, not my problem you're reacting to it." And your wife was being selfish. She could live without her mother for the 30 minutes to an hour it would take to change.
Your symptoms were very obvious and they are going to be in all your wedding photos unless the photographer is really good at touching up. I wouldn't even dream of allowing my husband to suffer like this, especially on our wedding day.
Dear god go for an annulment man.
Yeah. Especially as she has now doubled down saying he embarrassed her! Wtf?!
This is the craziest story.
You were having a medical reaction to what your MIL was wearing. A physical reaction. You had to get away from the perpetrator of your ailment.
You gave multiple options for your MIL and she refused.
Your new wife decided that HER MOTHER was more important at your wedding than you. EVERY other wife in history would have cared more about her PARTNER and NEW HUSBAND over her mother's perfume and dress.
Instead, she forced you outside, then complained that you were outside. Then she left you and went to her parent's instead of being with you on your wedding night. Did she actually marry her mother that night instead of you? Are you so unimportant that she had to console her mother and not.. oh.. I don't know.. MAYBE HER NEW HUSBAND?
Now she has the gall to still be mad at you? SHE RUINED YOUR WEDDING AND YOUR WEDDING NIGHT!
It was not her fault that her mother's perfume got you sick. But her reaction and decisions she made ARE her fault. All she had to say was "Mom... it's not your fault that your perfume is giving my new husband a bad reaction. But this is OUR wedding and I need him here besides me. Please go quickly get another outfit and wash off the perfume. I will make sure to hold off the dances and anything else so you don't miss anything. But I need my husband to be with me at our wedding"
Dude.. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a woman who decided that her mother was more important than you at your own wedding and then went home with her instead of you?
NTA
NTA but I don't think anyone's the asshole. I absolutely understand that you wanted her to change her dress. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't have wanted the same thing and would have even wondered if someone could go out to get her a new dress considering you were having an allergic reaction. I also understand your wife's reaction, of course she would want her mom there. I don't really understand why she would have to go spend the night with her parents, I'd be upset about that because it seems a little too far. You'd think she'd be a bit more understanding that it wasn't like you just weren't liking the smell and being rude for no reason, you were having an actual reaction. Edit: I understand her reaction of wanting her mom there only.
She wanted her mom there more than her new husband obviously.
It’s not just “cheap perfume.” I had to stop using my designer perfume when I started dating my husband. He gets that reaction to some but not all perfumes.
NTA. I can’t believe your wife and your MIL wouldn’t protect you and just expected you to suffer.
INFO: Do you have allergies?
If yes, does your wife and everyone around you know about them?
Other than that, I think you 're NTA.
They could clearly see that this was affecting you too much. It was yours and her daugther's wedding. Not hers. She should have left the minute she saw that you were getting so uncomfortable and "sick" by it. Why did they want to happen to do that ? You getting and anaphylactic shock?
They didn't respect you at all. I get that she wanted her mother with her but how would she feel if you ended up in the hospital or sick at hom?
And why on earth did she put so much perfume?
I haven't been to a doctor for it. My wife however does know about it- she got a perfume from Victoria's Secret before and I had the same reaction to that, but her other perfumes I don't have a reaction to.
Then she should have told her mom to go change the minute she saw you have that reaction. Also, if i knew my fiance /wife has an allergy I would have already informed my family and anyone who would be close to us almost all night
This makes perfect sense. There are a number of perfumes I can't wear myself, but that are fine when others wear them - but I have just a few that bother me even on other people. The scents are similar, so I think it's some specific ingredient that affects me.
What I find annoying in your case is that your MIL felt the need to drench herself in ANY perfume when she knew she would be in close contact with multiple people. Considering how many people are perfume sensitive, that's incredibly inconsiderate. If I can smell someone's perfume when they're not right near me, they're wearing too much.
I can hear the narrative now. Wedding day or the day OP discovered that they were allergic to MIL.
NAH - very unfortunate circumstances.
NTA, you even offered to pay for a change of dresses you were absolutely reasonable in my opinion, I understand your wife getting annoyed but this is too much
Ouch...I know where you're coming from on this one. My MIL was SUPER sensitive to scents to the point she couldn't use regular laundry detergent, and I couldn't even wear scented lotions or body sprays if I knew we'd be spending time together in close quarters. You're definitely NTA, but I also don't think your MIL meant to cause a stir. She could have changed clothes though when she realized you were having a bad reaction to her perfume. I hope everything works out for you guys.
NTA - i get that from your wife’s point of view it might be upsetting however it’s your wedding so you make the rules in order to have a good day
NTA I totally understand. It makes me so mad to read this because I’ve been that person and felt that derision before. People who don’t get it never will.
It took me years to say “no, I will not allow myself to be in that situation anymore”. It’s hard because it’s as simple as going to someone’s house with a candle burning or a plug in or a person in a crazy amount of perfume. And often it is met with derision. But definitely put your food down right away from now on, the moment you feel a reaction, and ask the person to fix it (/don’t feel bad about leaving but obv not an option here).
I hope you can figure this out as a family. Your request for her to change and wash off (washing probably would have helped a lot from my understanding of how perfumes work even if it’s on the dress too) was reasonable as it’s your party too. MIL should have cared more the moment she saw you suffer.
NTA. This is a unfortunate situation, your wife and MIL were not considerate of you - which is concerning.
NTA. MIL and wife absolutely are. I would be horrified to know I was making anyone ill and would have immediately changed and rinsed off somehow. Especially if it's my new SIL. Your wife is also a gargantuan AH for bailing on you over this on your wedding night of all nights.
I've got a bad feeling about this. Your MIL will be drenched in that shit all the time now, Mark my words.
Annulment is a thing. She doesn’t care about your well-being
I have occassionally had reactions like this to perfumes.
One time I started a new job and was sitting next to a co worker so they could train me. Their perfume was nice smelling but I was rapidly descending into allergy hell.
I told them I was sorry for making a fuss, but I am allergic to their perfume. She was mortified and washed off as much as she could. I took some allergy meds and we bumped along for the rest of the day. Never had a problem with her perfume again, so I assume she retired it for work at least.
So a co worker had more consideration for me than your bride or MIL did for you.
NTA
NTA. Although, if you know certain smells/perfumes bother you, it would have been smart to send some kind of warning. But from a logical standpoint I can nearly guarantee no one’s thinking about the possibility of one person coming with a layer of perfume that smells that strong during their wedding planning.
NTA. I’m so sorry that this happened to you and that you were shamed rather than supported.
Damn. I don't even know how to rate this one....
I wanna say NAH. I feel terrible for all involved. OP, the wife and the MIL. No one meant to cause harm. OP couldn't control his allergic reaction. The mom must have felt mortified and I imagine if she left, she probably wouldn't have come back due to embarassment for unintentionally ruining the wedding. I also get the wife being emotional and torn at the thought of her mom having to leave the wedding.
Rock and hard place situation.....
NTA, I've had to leave many events over people perfume, my mother is the worst at "forgetting " my allergies and sprays her crap perfume just before getting in my car, it's so frustrating. You gave your MIL option, she should of taken you up in them, it was your day too, you shouldn't have to suffer over someone else not taking your allergies seriously.
Folks keep saying that cheap perfume is the culprit. Perfume is the culprit but it doesn't follow that the price point has anything to do with it.
I am sensitive to certain perfumes but I am fine with others. I can wear a tiny amount of Love's Baby Soft with no problem but I react badly to almost every perfume that Estee Lauder puts out, especially White Linen (which smells like cat piss to me). You know how they mix different florals, spices, etc. to make the perfume, I think that one of those ingredients is the villain for many of us and each one of us will have a different trigger ingredient, jmo.
Also, the amount worn is a factor. If someone is leaving vapor trails behind them, that also sets my reactions off.
NTA. I would have come back in a bathrobe if that what it took. This is a very unfortunate start to your marriage. I hope you can move forward together.
NTA
I can’t believe that the default was not “the person I love is in distress, they are my priority as it’s his wedding day too”. Honestly, she’s broken her marriage vows. She promised to make a new family with you and foresake all other which doesn’t just mean no cheating but also your spouse is your family and takes priority over your family of origin. She instead prioritised her mother. She’s not ready for marriage. You might be best off getting an annulment and finding someone who actually cares that the person they allegedly love is in discomfort.