I (28M) am an only child. When I was 12 my parents divorced when my dad found out my mom cheated on him. This was devastating to my dad. My parents were best friends and started dating when they were 17. I played sports and my dad was my coach so I had a much closer relationship to him then my mom. I was suppose to spend one week at my moms then the next week at my dads. But I would usually just lock myself in my room at my moms. Usually my dad would drop me off and I would get on my bike and ride the couple miles back to his house. My mom would ask me things and I would literally pretend like she didn’t exist. It got so bad that lawyers got involved thinking my dad was turning me against my mom. My dad encouraged me to spend time with my mom, but I couldn’t. My mom tried putting us in therapy but I would just sit there till the time was up not saying a word to her. Eventually my mom broke down and let me just live with my dad.
I haven’t spoken a word to my mom in 15 years. She would show up to my games alone. Sometimes I would ask my dad to tell her to leave. Sometimes I didn’t even notice she was there. She would try talking to me after and I would walk right past her. I cut her whole family off besides a few of my cousins that were around my age. She showed up to my high school graduation and I asked a couple teachers to remove her and they did. She never dated anyone else to my knowledge and was still attempting to reconcile with my dad a few years before he passed. Calling it the “biggest mistake of her life” and begging my dad to forgive her. When my dad passed a couple years ago she tried to show up to the funeral and I met her outside to ask her to leave. My fiancé Rachel was with me when I did this and my mom cried upon learning we were engaged (Rachel introduced herself as my fiancé). Saying she couldn’t believe I hated her still this many years later.
So last week I received a letter from my mom with a large check inside. In the letter she said she couldn’t live knowing she wouldn’t be invited to her only child’s wedding. That her whole family is hurt that I cut them off. And that she had been keeping tabs on me all these years through my cousins updates out of respect for me, but couldn’t handle not being at the wedding. I ripped the check up and sent it back to the return address. She shouldn’t have even known my address as I keep her blocked on all social media. I called up my cousins who admitted that since I was 14 they have been providing my mom with updates on me. Prom pics, college updates, engagement photos and they sent her my address. I was so mad that I told them they wouldn’t be invited to the wedding anymore because I don’t want my mom getting access to it. Rachel is saying I’m going too far now and uninviting my cousins along with freezing out my moms whole family because of her actions is an AH move. AITA?
Edit: the cheating was with a teammates dad. This was highly embarrassing for me and caused me to have to move towns. Caused me to loose friends.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say YTA. Acting out as a 12 years old is to be expected. Deciding not to ever forgive your mom is totally your right (though it was 16 years ago, and you, while affected, were not really the aggrieved party).
The fact that you are still throwing tantrums like a 12 year old, at the age of 28, makes you the AH.
edit: I'd even go so far as to say your fiancée should consider this a pretty serious red flag. The fact that you can act with such hatred and spite over something that happened over 16 years ago, and only peripherally involved you, to me shows a pretty serious character flaw. At the very least, she should be concerned about what it would take for you direct that anger at her, and what form that anger would take.
For the edit: That's exactly what I thought ... Being engaged to someone so unforgiving and showing so little empathy, even to their own mother would scare the shit out of me... I would advise her to run...
My thoughts exactly! I would be petrified to marry someone who was so unforgiving. Fiancé needs to run away from this relationship fast and OP needs professional help to heal these open wounds
I wouldn't be scared for the marriage- I mean, I certainly wouldn't be planning to cheat- but the boy definitely needs therapy to actually process the loss of half his family as a child.
I think the thing the person is trying to say is that this grudge level of hatred is so strong that the fiancee might not even need to CHEAT to incur that level of anger. He could start projecting normal human interaction onto her as cheating behaviour, or god forbid she's SA'd will he be rational enough to see it for what it is or lash out? etc.
It's still worth being scared for the marriage tbh.
I can say this from personal experience. I was in a relationship for a years with someone who had a temper, but wasnt worried because it had never been directed at me. Well, when you live together and that person is stressed and you are the only other person there.... guess who gets to be on the receiving end of that temper? OP's level of unrelenting pettiness towards his mother is massively concerning. Someone with this level of immaturity and bitterness in their heart is not ready for marriage imo. YTA.
[deleted]
As far as I can tell, this level of aggression is completely unwarranted. The mom cheated and there was a divorce, but it doesn't sound like mom was an abusive, neglectful parent. Even dad felt comfortable enough to push OP to visit and talk with the mom; there was definitely hurt feelings for the dad, but it seems like dad was more forgiving than OP (and if not for OP's obvious hatred, I wonder if they would have gotten back together after a time). If OP doesn't want his mom in his life that's one thing, but he's being deliberately cruel to his mom and her side of the family (you hate your mom so much you'd cut off your grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins?)
The funeral's part was so cruel.
Right? That was so deeply cruel.
YTA- Your total lack of empathy is staggering, you sound like a spoiled little child. You are getting ready to marry someone, what happens the first time you have an issue with her? How about the second, the third, you get the idea.
Have you lived your life perfectly to this point? Have people had to forgive your actions? Why do you deserve forgiveness when you don’t ever give it back. I have bad news for you, people aren’t perfect and both you and your fiancé are going to make mistakes. If you take the same level of vitriol into your marriage, it will be a short one. I hope she reads the comments here as I personally think she should take a step back. Grow up, I’m not saying you need to be best friends with your mother and cousins, but offering kindness and grace goes along way.
I have to say of all the posts about bad moms out there this is the most ridiculous, OP is talking about how his life was ruined at 12 years old….am 22 and I don’t even remember being 12…..to each his own but I’ll just say this….the first to cast stones is usually the most hypocritical …..everyone makes mistakes, I absolutely condemn cheating however I also know that letting hate fester only hurts you.
OP's mum is the most important person in OP's life-myth right now.
Everyone has a life-myth. It's the story they tell themselves about their life. What's shaped it; where it's going; who it's about. It's the mythologisation of our own life story.
OP's life-myth has his mother as the villain. She ruined his life: every bad thing is traceable to her. His teenage depression (everyone has it)? Mum's fault. His difficulty dating (all teenagers have it)? Mum's fault. His bad grades (which we all get sometimes)? Mum's fault.
Everything that is normally sucky about a person's life, that they normally have to blame on something vague and nebulous, can now be blamed on a single, concrete person, who is transformed in his eyes into the villain of his entire mythic life-story.
He can't forgive her. She's the villain: he's literally lived longer with her as the villain than without. If he loses her, who does he have to blame, quite frankly? Nobody.
He will never forgive her because her villainy is now built into the fabric of his life-myth. Without her to play antagonist, he just cannot deal with the world.
This is really insightful. One of the things that stood out to me the most is how he mentioned that his parents tried to put him in therapy and he would sit there in silence. That's honestly heartbreaking to me; I think he could really benefit from going to therapy now. There's a point when your anger and rage is poisoning you and I think he's well past it. There's a lot of built up feelings that need to be processed and dealt with.
I cannot upvote this enough. Thank you for laying it out in this way.
I’d guess you’d remember 12 if your mom cheated on your dad with a teammates dad at that age, breaking up your family and causing you to have to move, change schools, losing your friends and sports teams.
It’s his right to not forgive his mom but lots of people have forgiven much worse things. Personally, I would choose a partner capable of forgiveness over a partner who goes scorched earth across multiple decades despite multiple interventions to help them process what happened. As evidenced from this thread, lots of people find OP’s behavior scary.
Goody for the "people have forgiven much worse things".
Just because other people had it worse and forgave them does not mean that OP should have to forgive his mother for causing him so much hurt.
Also, people attempting to force you into interactions with a person who hurt you are not "interventions".
[deleted]
OP not only cut all ties to his mom and years later still has this hatred for her, so much that they cut all ties with mom’s family who did nothing wrong. I would seriously run because if they ever fight she will have to like beg for forgiveness for every little thing
Yup I’m gonna have to climb out onto that limb beside you and say YTA. Two things jump out at me here. One, that OP was even madder at his mom than his father was over her cheating. This much is clear from his father encouraging him to spend time with his mom in spite of everything. Two, that even OP’s fiancé is telling him he’s going too far in his hatred for his mother in uninviting cousins and freezing out his mom’s whole side of the family.
Look, OP, I feel sorry for you and what you went through. No one says you ever have to forgive your mother for what she did. But you’re taking it out on her entire family, and that’s just wrong. Listen to your fiancé… she sees how unhealthy holding onto such hatred for your mother is for you.
Whatever you decide to do, best of luck to you. But don’t throw away your relationship with some cousins you felt close enough to that you invited them to your wedding 15 years after the divorce. That would make you TA to yourself more than anything.
I've given this a lot of thought, and I feel like a lot of the votes in favor of him being the AH here are a bit misguided/empathizing with the wrong person. I will say, I do agree with the fact that he needs therapy, and that amount of cortisol (which is what will happen from this level of anger) isn't healthy. But all that said, I don't blame him for that.
I get feeling sorry for the mother who so obviously feels bad about what she's done. Really, I do. But I don't think his actions are indicative of a lack of empathy for his mother so much as unresolved hurt from the domino effect her actions had on him. In fact, I think it's pretty clear this is the result of trauma. Like, apathy is the opposite of empathy, really. But he so clearly still cares, or he wouldn't be so angry.
People are defending the fact that it wasn't his business, and that she's allowed to have flaws. And yes, she is. But there is a consequence/outcome for every single thing we do, sometimes positive, sometimes negative. She made her bed, and found out it was broken in more than one place. It sucks, but this is the consequence for her actions.
& for the record, to all the people who say it isn't his business--it absolutely IS his business. He's obviously been traumatized by this series of events--trauma explains the ability to hold onto such anger for such a long time. Children aren't stupid--it's pretty clear they can pick up on stuff from family members. The best intending parents will do everything in their power not to let it impact the kids, but sometimes it's just inevitable.
Even if his father was hurt more, in theory, by his mother's actions--clearly there have been side effects that have occurred outside of that one instance. Bullying is no joke, and it's no surprise that he holds her responsible as the reason it happened. I mean... had she not cheated, then the circumstances might have been different. Also, just because his father took the brunt of the initial pain, doesn't mean he didn't also experience his own horrible pain. Since when is it a competition? No two people have the same threshold for the same types of pain. We're all different.
Regarding the cousins and his mother--
Even in the absence of specific instructions not to keep his mother updated on him with his sometimes public, sometimes private information... I feel like they are paying a price for their own actions, too. You wouldn't have to tell me not to give updates to someone who hurt you and you decided to go no contact with. It's blatant disregard for his very clearly implied boundaries, and it's betrayal. You're basically saying you feel worse for the aggressor than the victim, if you're willing to prioritize the aggressor's wants over the victims. Even if it doesn't seem fair, that was NOT their call to make. I'm really not sure how people are justifying this.
They got involved--in the mother's favor, and now people are like surprised pikachu face that there are consequences for that.
Finally, I really don't think people are being fair here regarding how he's treating his mother. He has made his choice. She has time and time again not respected it. She needed to write him a letter that expresses how sorry she is, that if the OP is ever willing to reconcile she is willing and ready and then let the ball be in his court. Then, she needed to leave him the f alone. Why is everyone glossing over this? Even if she has good intentions, she's still dismissing someone she hurt in favor of what feels best for her. She tried to bribe him with money. Hello?
If I were being generous, I'd say NAH because I don't think, despite everything I said, that there were any intended AH here. But truthfully, I don't think it's much of a stretch to say that blatantly disregarding OP's wants in favor of the mother is a bit of an AH thing to do by his cousins, and an AH move by his mother not to respect his choice, no matter how sorry she is. Ultimately, what would make OP the AH is if he was the instigator. But he isn't. He is reactionary.
This, and personally I am feeling that there is a lot that hasn't been said here, going nuclear is usually not the default for something like this.
There is far more going on than what OP has stated here
Thank you for saying this. I've been reading comment after comment calling OP the AH and I just don't see it. NTA, OP you get to choose your boundaries.
Yeah, I can really relate to this. My father cheated when I was a teenager and walked out (left all his belongings and everything) and never came back to the house. We lived in a small town so pretty quickly a lot of people knew. Then he started showing up to my events, sports games, etc. and I repeatedly told him not to because I needed time and space and it was a huge distraction emotionally and mentally. And like OP's mom, he never backed off, no matter how many times I asked or ignored him or told him I needed space. And you know what? I did not feel loved at all, I felt like what I wanted and needed didn't matter, because it really was more about him doing what he felt was "right." People in his side of the family constantly told me I needed to get over it, forgive, and value that "you only get one father," but that didn't make any of that happen and didn't lessen all the messed up things that I knew but other family didn't. Kids need to feel like their wants and needs are valued and I don't see where that ever happened for OP. I get the sense that OP's hurt is more than just "this messed up parts of my life" and more "I had needs and wants and they didn't matter to all these people. I had all these feelings and they didn't matter to people. My mom did this, it messed up my life, it hurt, and after all that, it's more about what she wants than what I want." It seems like the frustration of constantly having that need for time and space violated, ignored, and dismissed is the root of OP's anger. Does therapy seem necessary? Absolutely. But there's a huge dismal happening in so many comments and I can't blame OP for being upset that people have constantly decided that this isn't an acceptable boundary, or even wasn't an acceptable temporary boundary and that it's perfectly okay to share all kinds of personal information against consent.
Yeah a child has zero clue what goes on in their parents relationship.
They didn’t work for numerous reasons. One being an affair.
He has had 16 years to process this. He is still punishing his mother for one act!
[deleted]
Parents were best friends. Dating since kids. She claims it was “her biggest mistake” inferring it was a one time thing! Or at least one person thing.
Most adults can see how two kids getting married and dating no one else will result in one cheating.
It’s why parents push kids to wait until they’re older.
I think OP needs some help moving past something that is not that uncommon. It may have been traumatic. But his reaction 16 years later is quite extreme. To cut anyone in an entire family that communicates with her
How about denying his mother the chance to attend her ex husband’s funeral? That’s unbelievably cruel. She never remarried? Biggest mistake of her life? This woman KNOWS she fucked up, but who the hell is OP, her personal tormentor? I can’t believe his cruelty. God forbid he makes any kind of mistake in his life.
This is it, right here. I can't believe more people aren't pointing out how malicious OP is for this action alone. His behavior is honestly alarming. He should have been forced into therapy as a child and now it's too late.
He said that they did take him to a therapist and he just sat there and didn't say anything until they finally gave up. The OP is totally the asshole and I'm amazed that nobody in the family pointed that out. Or maybe they did and that is why he cut them off. He was, and is still more pissed off about the affair than his father. OP should go back to therapy and participate to see why he is still putting himself and everyone else through this drama. It is seriously unhealthy.
Well, no, specifically they were feeding her information about him, and were likely behind her coming uninvited to big events like his graduation. They knew his decision and were going behind his back.
They were adults, had an adult relationship. He was a child who was effected by her decision. She didn’t cheat on her son. I can’t possibly know what went on in his parent relationship, and as a child, neither could he. I would have some concerns Re:marrying someone who held onto a child’s grudge for over a decade.
I wish more people would consider this. I see so so so many posts about “my dad cheated and he can go rot in a log despite being my bffffff” or “my mom cheated and even though dad remarried and is genuinely happier she can go jump off a cliff” just. Why?
Parents are just people. People are complicated. Life is complicated. Hating your parents because their relationship didn’t work out is just… much.
At this point op you’ve chose to hate her longer than the amount of time she even got to be in your life. Over having to switch schools? A divorce? Have you never made a mistake??? You know kids act like this sometimes even when their parents divorce for reasons other than an affair. You could end up in your moms position. YTA.
Normally I have no sympathy for cheaters, and say they deserved everything they get, but OPs reaction and hate is extreme. I found myself going "poor mum" reading the OP. She's continually tried to be there, loves her son, and he has her dragged away every time.
She even offered therapy. She’s clearly regretful. I think OP is also acting out like this because he wants to feel like he has some sort of power over his mom. He clearly doesn’t want to get rid of that hatred weighing him down. He might like it.
Also cheating is not one act.
Hundreds and thousands of small choices lead to someone cheating. It's typically calculated.
Apparently she was boning the dad of one of his teammates while his dad was coaching the team, and everyone in town found out about it, so he got bullied so hard that he had to move. It also sounds like she never actually lamented the damage she did to him or his dad, just the consequences she suffered from the fallout.
It’s kind of hard to know what exactly she feels about it if he refuses to acknowledge her.
He doesn’t have to. She did a terrible thing, why should he have to forgive her. People set boundaries all the time with people that bring them pain.
Punishing?
He doesn't want a relationship with someone who broke up his family. Period. It's not a punishment, it's called "consequences of your actions".
Sometimes, consequences can be considered way too extreme and way over the top.
I swear this thread never ceases to amaze me. One day everyone is screaming GO NO CONTACT with a parent because they gave the OP a hard time about the color of wedding invitations, and yammering on about “boundaries!!!” But then this guy posts and has clearly drawn a boundary and gone no contact with someone who caused him immense pain, and everyone’s like “TOO HARSH”??? This place is insane. NTA by any stretch.
It’s not a punishment, he doesn’t want a person like her in his life and that’s completely understandable. He doesn’t owe her a relationship especially when she was the one who made their family crumble.
"He doesn't owe her" is the kind of nonsense that make people take this subreddit less seriously as a legitimate place to reconcile social norms. Marriages are far more complicated than a 12 year old is able to understand, especially ones that have been going on for multiple decades.
He doesn't need a justification. He's made his boundaries very clear.
You're wrong.
The father can be as mad as he wants at her. He probably hates her the most! He also wanted nothing to do with her and divorced her. He just doesn't show this anger around his son, because parents understand that even though she hurt him, cheated on their family, that it's always in the best interest of the child to have a relationship with their parents.
Regarding his and her son? His anger is allowed to be expressed directly at her, for as long as he sees fit. She broke up his family, caused him to split time at two different households, and hurt his father deeply... I'd be pissed too.
[deleted]
In a fun twist, OP should consider whether their actions prevented their parents from reconciling.
Oh snap.
Like, kind of, not really though?
Don't get me wrong, he totally has a right to be mad. But after a point, it's just not a good idea, it makes his life worse for no reason. I mean, revenge, I guess? But the best revenge really is living well, and you can't really do that when you've got somebody locked in your mental dungeon. It signals that he's still in just as much pain as he was 16 years ago. And he isn't gonna be able to let go of that pain until he steps away from that anger.
Yeah, I'd be pissed too. And then I'd hopefully process it. A lot of stuff happened to me when I was young. Fuck man, I wish it was as simple as one of my parents cheating on the other, rather than the years of abuse and resentment I got to witness. But my life got a lot better when I stopped being consumed by anger and pain.
The issue is, no one is letting him process it. He was over it, and living his life well, because he didn't have her in it.
Except, every time he had a major life event, his cousins would rat him out, and retraumatize him all over again. He doesn't want to see her, and doesn't want to talk to her. Forcing himself to reconcile with someone he doesn't want or need to reconcile with isn't letting him process it, it's forcing him back into the same situation he's worked so hard to get out of.
ya he could very well be just living his best life, without his mom in the picture. He's only cold towards the mom when she shows up, tries to contact, or any other time when she initiates.
and wtf, something as simple as cheating? way to dismiss someone else's trauma.
she made the dumb decision to have an affair, and break up the family. Whether he forgives her or not, has a relationship with her or not, is entirely up to him. He has to figure out if it's "good" for him if he reconciles. and he clearly doesn't think so.
I'm a bit confused here.
I have come across so many relationship posts and aita posts about people wanting to go NC and being backed up and this one isn't?
He has made it abundantly clear than he doesn't want his mother to be part of his life, something she has repeatedly violated well into his adult life.
The few members of that side of the family he trusted have again also broken that trust.
Short of somehow managing to file a restraining order (not sure that's legally possible) what else is he meant to do to get this across?
Edit: Some people also seem to have missed out on some of his comments:
The mother was engaged in an Affair (more than a one time thing) with someone else to the point that most of the town new.
He was then bullied so badly that he had to move schools.
His cousins gave out his home address. While they weren't told not to, they would have to be pretty stupid not to get from the context of her not having it that he didn't want his mother to have the address.
I was wondering if anyone else saw this. He cut off his mother's side of the family because they were and still are all trying to push them together and he doesn't want that.
I say NTA.
I swear I thought I was in some parallel universe in these comments! Like, do none of these people read OP's comments before spouting off?!
They'd see that OP was living his best life without his mom in it... except for all the times his cousins rattled him out to mommy and she kept trying to reinsert herself into his life without his permission. I totally understand why OP would be pissed with his cousins for trying to force a relationship with his mom.
Because it's the mother, not the father. Simple as that.
I've been in a similar sort of situation.
I'm 14 years in to NC.
If any of my family members shared my info with that woman I'd go NC with them to.
Why is she entitled to OP's info. He has made the choice to cut her out. You don't need a reason to go NC. This isn't about empathy of lack of. It's a total lack of feeling.
Exactly. Why are people in this thread so accepting of people pissing all over OP going NC?
He's mom picked a night (or multiple nights) of fun over her family. Why would OP want someone like that in his life? Why would OP want people that give his info out to them in his life?
Ya, they keep calling it a "mistake" that anyone could make. You don't just accidentally hop on teammate's dad's dick.
I’m just here to remind everyone that white pages exists for people located in the US and you can find most peoples home addresses there. You can have it removed through an online request form.
Tantrums? I'm really confused.
It sounds like he set a boundary with his mother. She ruined his family, hurt his father in unforgiveable ways, and he didn't want her in his life. That's his right.
Hatred and spite? How about accountability. It doesn't matter how long it happened... 16 years, who cares. She destroyed his family and hurt his father. That never changes. Some things, ESPECIALLY CHEATING AND DESTROYING A FAMILY, cannot be forgiven.
Saying that his fiancée should consider this a red flag? That's completely off base.
It's like you've never heard of NC.
She isn't owed forgiveness, and not giving it to his mom doesn't make him an AH.
And if the parents roles were reversed I bet everyone would be saying the opposite, and agreeing that he should cut his dad out of his life. He has every right not to forgive someone who ruined is family.
Definitely. I feel like I’m in bizzaro world reading these YTA comments
Right!? I mean his whole life got messed up because of her "little mistake" and if he reacted so badly to it, they most likely already had a bad relationship and this was just the "I'm done" moment for him, and even if he didn't tell the cousins not to share information, from how he treats his mother should have been a dead giveaway that meant the NC with mom.
I have some insight into this, although not personally. Both sets of my grandparents got divorced when my parents were young due to cheating. My mom’s dad and my dad’s dad both cheated on their wives and then married their affair partners. My dad’s dad even had a child with his new wife. Both of my parents were devastated, as they were young teenagers when it happened.
I grew up knowing and loving all four sets of my grandparents. I obviously didn’t know the reason I had so many grandparents as a kid, but when I got older my parents told me. My mother said, and I quote “They made horrible mistakes and they hurt us, but can you imagine them with anyone else?” And I can’t. All of my grandparents and their spouses deeply loved and cared for one another.
I know cheating sucks. And I know why Reddit hates it so much. But I can’t justify OP hating someone so much when I am the product of a family that learned to forgive. I had a wonderful childhood. My parents and aunts and uncles do not regret giving their children the luxury of bonus grandparents.
I’m not saying OP needs to forgive his mother, I’m not even saying he needs to invite her to his wedding. But I can’t help but feel so so sorry for this woman and feel that his response is disproportionate to the crime committed. I hope you get therapy, OP, to heal the hurt in you <3
You’re talking about male infidelity, which society has tacitly endorsed since the dawn of time. Female infidelity is considered by most to be MUCH worse, to the extent that men used to regularly get a free pass for murdering unfaithful wives.
Not that I believe they’re any different, just pointing out that most people castigating the mom are doing so mainly because of her gender, so you saying “well I watched my family heal from all the men cheating!” isn’t going to change their minds.
“Only peripherally involved” him? His mother’s actions only destroyed his family, that’s all.
Frankly, his actions did more to destroy his family than his mom's.
Their nuclear family unit was gonna break up, but he iced out his entire mom's side of the family over this.
He caused greater damage than his mom did.
That's well within his right to cut off toxic people that would pressure him to remain in contact with his mother. He set a boundary, NC with Mom. He cannot forgive her. That doesn't make him an asshole. She broke up his family and hurt his father, whom he was close with.
He didn't do any damage. Blaming the victim for his behavior... going NC with a side of the family that clearly is on the mom's side and doesn't respect OP's wishes? How can he be the asshole for that. How can you say HE caused that damage!?
Like, what are you talking about...
Its not toxic to think a child shouldnt cut off their parent bc of their parents relationship issues. Theres no reason to believe she was a bad mother. I swear this website hears the word "cheating" and no matter what comes after there will be a sea of people who will be okay with anything said or done to the person who cheated no matter by who
Yep, I've literally seen it compared to genocide on this site.
I think it's because people here tend to be introverted, and tend to rely on their partner hardcore for most of their emotional needs and have few sources of support outside of them.
Which isn't an inherently bad thing, but means that if that relationship is compromised, their entire world implodes and it really is the Ultimate Act of Betrayal.
Yeah really ffs. Yes he should consider forgiveness, at least therapy but insinuating he was peripherally involved is disgusting.
I mean in all fairness his mom sleeping with his friends dad caused him to be bullied so hard he had to change schools. So it's not really fair to say he wasn't involved. Her actions had severe consequences on him. Childhood bullying is no joke
I'm guessing your parents aren't divorced bc it doesn't "only peripherally involve you". Your life is turned upside down. And my parents had a miserable marriage that divorce was a light at the end of the tunnel for my mom and I. Plus they split up when I was only 5. OP was 12. He had 12 years of a family torn apart. Look, I'm not saying he's handling it in the best way possible, but don't you dare try to belittle the absolute hell that divorce is on a child.
Umm... what? He gets to feel however he wants about this! He chose to cut off his mom after she broke the family, which I find better than constantly mistreating her as other people would do. He gets to put whatever boundary he wants, and he gets to expect others to respect it.
How is this a red flag? "If you cheat I'll never forgive you!" Is a very basic sentiment. He was a part of the family, so how was he only peripherally involved?? Her actions changed his whole life!
Also, I would also uninvited the cousin if I found out they were going against a direct request!
Perfectly said. I couldn’t be with a man who had this much hatred and carried a grudge this long. It’s just not normal behavior. OP, please get some intensive therapy. You really need it. YTA
You should have cashed that check and spent it all in therapy. This is an unhealthy and unreasonable level of anger to hold on to.
Uh.... Go to therapy and unpack this shit, this is a pathological level of hatred unless your mom literally told you to your face she regretted ever having you with your dad and kicked your dog as part of the divorce. I don't think people have to "let go of anger and forgive" every single slight, but.... you weren't even the one cheated on and it sounds like she tried to do everything right by you?
See, I am the first person to advocate NC if you have to, because some parents aren't much more than DNA donors, and some are worse than that. But OP is taking this so personally, for over fifteen years, and letting the anger drive their familial relationships away. That's very sad.
[deleted]
I doubt OP would have excluded any details that would have helped justify his position.
He clearly has a lot of resentment.
I’m having a hard time believing that there wasn’t parental alienation going on here on the part of OP’s father. The level of resentment and hatred is just too intense and deep seated for me to believe that.
That’s my thinking as well. I find it difficult to believe a 12 year old reached this level of hatred all on their own, especially when the mom seemed to be trying to connect. Maybe it wasn’t the dad, but someone was definitely actively turning OP on his mom.
Have you met preteen boys? They can be serious rage-monster assholes - I remember turning 13 and wondering what happened to all my guy friends to make them such assholes. By about 15/16 the hormones leveled out and they became normal human beings again ...but I can totally see a 12/13yo boy reaching this level of anger on his own with no prompting from an outside source.
It's just they usually grow out of it, which OP clearly hasn't done. He definitely needs therapy.
Yeah, OP said he hasn't spoken a word to her in 15 years. So... doing the math... he was 13.
I have no doubt that it was hard for him. But the extent to which he's held on to this doesn't quite match the severity of what happened.
I also love the fact that people in the comments are like "he set a boundary and she repeatedly crossed it".
He was a pre-teen. If people would completely cut contact with every 13-year-old that ever says 'don't ever talk to me again', half the world's population would be NC with their parents. It's just ridiculous.
Yeah that's what gets me. It's a one-sided account insofar as it's his own subjective view of it, but even THEN what comes across is a very sad mother desperately trying to reconnect with her child. It's so different from most of these posts where it's like "my parents physically abused me and refused to talk to me for five years, and now they want back in because they have a grandchild" or whatever. She's been making the effort. For god's sakes, he had his mother ejected from his games. I get it, but it just feels so harsh and I feel horrible for her.
OP says in other comments that he had to change schools and make new friends. It sounds like there was some bullying related to rumors mom hooked up with another teammate’s dad. It also deeply hurt someone OP cares about.
Therapy sounds like a good idea. Giving out someone’s personal identifying information without their knowledge or consent is unethical. Setting a boundary with the cousins because they seem untrustworthy isn’t unethical.
Her mom also denied the affair. Imagine defending your family from the rumors only to find out it's true. I'd feel like a joke tbh. He has to deal with all that and uproot his whole life and people keeps saying the affair has nothing to do with OP?
Oh wow that's messed up. OP still needs to go to therapy to let go of all this hatred and baggage Inside him, but tbh I don't blame him for not wanting any contact with his mother. Her actions destroyed his family, hurt his father, he had to change towns, and she lied to him. Her cheating did affect him too and completely destroyed his faith and love for her so I don't understand the "what she did isn't your business/didn't affect you" comments under the post. At this point all this animosity and hatred is just destroying him. Just cut her off and entirely let go of what happened.
Err... I can't help but feel like that's exactly what TC tried to do?
Maybe I'm taking crazy pills, but isn't that what this thread is about? TC went NC with his mom. Mom keeps trying to reach out anyways. TC freezes out most of Mom's family to avoid having to see Mom at family events. TC remains close to a few cousins who are no doubt aware of the situation, said cousins then act contrary to TC's wishes by enabling Mom. TC freezes out the cousins.
Seems like he's tried to cut her off but she's not accepting it and is constantly trying to subvert his wishes/decisions. But yes, OP really needs therapy to work through this
I don’t think AITA is the right place for this. Please consider going to therapy, it sounds you have a lot of pain bottled up. Wishing you all the best.
For real, this is pretty heavy given the amount of ppl answering this while watching tv, slacking off at work in the restroom or slamming back a slice of pizza. OP, I’m glad you’re checking in and reflecting on whether YTA but you should also be checking in with people way more qualified than all of us. Do it for your fiancé (and potential future family).
Um, I’ll let you know I’m on the treadmill, tyvm!
The best answer, hands down
This is a muddled mess of varying shades of gray, each of which I have my own thoughts about, but at this point OP, regardless of what anybody here thinks, you've got some shit you seriously need to work through, and that's just as true whether you forgive your mom, your cousins, either, both, or none
One you've sorted your own shit out a bit, then you could revisit the issue with a bit of clarity (which I think deep down you realize that you don't have)
Until then, however, no answer is going to give you the answers you're looking for
Maybe unpopular opinion but YTA - why are you punishing your mom so severely? She made an awful mistake years ago, a mistake many parents do. They have a right to their own lives and moral failings.
Honestly I would encourage you to explore why you feel this hatred for your mom that seems disproportionate. Punishing your cousins for showing compassion does seem like going too far.
(Removed)
Edit: OP said in comments that the cousins weren’t asked not to share, OP is TA for uninviting them too
OP states that he has made no previous request to specifically keep information from her. So his cousins didn't overstep intentionally, but he's going to freeze everyone out anyway.
The more I read, the more I start to think that OP's change of schools was because he found a spider in the house and burned it down.
Like, he doesn't have to forgive his mom or anything, but this is disproportionate.
I agree. My dad was a chronic alcoholic and treated both me and my mum like complete shit for years. Emotionally abusive, manipulative and completely hammered most of the time. She divorced him and I had to go stay with him every other weekend until I moved away to go to uni.
He died a few years back, but despite my misgivings about his behaviour I would never think to have treated him with such contempt. This needs therapy.
I honestly don’t know what to put apart from if having an affair was literally the only thing your mum did and she was cut off from everything I feel for her immensely. How someone parents is not measured by their relationship with this spouse. This is so complex and upsetting. Goes to make cup of tea.
This has given me the major sads.
Yeah, me too. I really feel for his mom. She fucked up for sure, but OP doesn’t know what that marriage was like. He doesn’t know anything about it. And she’s spent the rest of her life suffering. Jesus, convicted murderers do less time.
OP is still acting like a 12 year old child. His parents are human, too.
And his dad was trying to reconcile with her and he thinks he has a right to kick her out of the funeral. Disgusting
Absolutely disgusting. For someone so hung up on unforgivable acts many years ago, I think denying his mother entry to the funeral of her ex husband is one of the most unspeakably evil, unforgivable, and immutable things you could ever do. If he has any sense of self reflection (aside from this glimmer 16 years later) that would weigh heavy on me for the rest of my days.
I am so, so sad for OP’s mother.
I cant believe more people aren't addressing that the dad and mom were actively speaking and he full on went "no you don't get to say goodbye" and are instead going "lol this thread is full of cheaters mad they might get caught"
And it’s even more fucked up given the context of his parent’s relationship. They were 17 years old when they got married and started a family. So young. They were children who decided to raise children. Mistakes were inevitable. Even if it’s not cheating (which I don’t condone), partners eventually end up hurting one another in some way. But his dad was wise enough to eventually forgive and work through it. By blocking his mother from the funeral, OP was definitely going against his dead father’s wishes. He did not honor his father’s spirit. And to me, that was the most SHAMEFUL thing of all.
[deleted]
But was she a bad mother, she was clearly a bad partner.
She doesn’t sound like a bad mother from my reading. She tried to build a relationship, she tried therapy and she saw that this wasn’t what her child wanted and she let him go, despite it clearly breaking her heart. She respected his boundaries enough to not contact him and whilst some may see error in cousins sharing info, I can hardly blame her for wanting to know her child’s life is going okay
I agree nothing in the OP post makes her sound like a bad mother. Crap wife yes, bad mother no.
You're right that her relationship with OP's dad doesn't reflect how she is as a parent, but the fact of the matter is, cheating doesn't just impact the spouse. It also deeply affects the kids. So yeah, the mom did consciously make a choice that she knew would negatively impact OP should her cheating come to light. Her cheating does reflect her parenting toward him, bc she just displayed to OP that she's willing to cause harm to their family (OP included) just for sex.
Honestly, I think keeping up this much anger for so many years is hurting you just as much as it is your mom. YTA for what you are doing to yourself. This doesn’t honor your dad, btw.
This is insanely insightful. Reading all these comments that are questioning OPs hatred, it really feels like this is also a piece of a very complicated puzzle.
Yeah, I agree. I also understand OP's stance in that OP probably felt betrayed and probably blamed mom for the collapse of the family.
I'm not saying OP needs to forgive and forget, but for his own sake, he should let the anger go.
You don't have to invite them to the wedding if you don't want, but if your fiancee is telling you you're going too far, maybe hear her out?
NTA i guess, butI don't like it.Fuck it. YTA. Shoulda just committed to it in the first place. Disproportionate response to the cousins.
Disproportionate response to his mother, too!
The one that got me was shutting her out of the funeral. I understand people want to go NC but that was just cruel. She spent years trying to make up for what she did and wasn't even allowed to mourn a person she obviously cared about. There's a big difference between not wanting a person in your life, and being sadistic about the hills you choose to die on.
Edit: Jesus christ, stop commenting “she wouldn’t have cheated if she cared.” This post is days old and I’ve seen all the other ones, thanks. If you genuinely think of human beings as so black and white that their emotions are either complete devotion or complete disdain, and people never hurt those they care about, I don’t think you’re emotionally developed enough to be commenting in this sub. He fucking DIED and you seriously think she didn’t care at all because she cheated on him? I’m not defending cheating because I have the bare minimum of basic human empathy that does not completely vanish when someone makes one fucked up choice.
I feel like I’m in the minority in this thread but I feel OP is deeply vicious and spiteful. He’s a grown adult being absolutely vile to another human for a mistake made decades ago.
Oof this is a tough one to judge on the exact question you’re asking. I’m not seeing that you asked your cousins not to talk to her, so I’m feeling YTA here. You certainly have the right to be angry at your mother, but holding such an intense grudge for this long over her cheating on your father once just doesn’t sit right. This is something you need to actually deal with.
Honestly your mother doesn’t sound like that bad of a person - yes she made a horrible mistake but she’s spent 15 years passionately trying to have some form of a relationship with you while doing everything she can to respect your boundaries. And you gave her nothing for that. If there’s more that your mother did wrong, I’d understand, but it’s just not there.
This - I've been trying to word it correctly and this is it. I just can't imagine holding on to this much hatred for a person. I strongly believe in second chances, that people should be given the chance to redeem themselves.
Normally I’m all for the whole idea of not giving someone more leeway than they deserve just because they’re family. But in this case…I just don’t think her mistake is worth the level of grudge here.
I can see why the cousins would sympathize with OP’s mother and give her some info over the years.
I think you could argue "some info" going one-way, but there's no way they should be giving anyone's address out without permission.
What about giving out the address, though? If the cousins gave one-way updates, OP would never have known and you could argue he isn't hurt. But giving OP's address to someone they know OP doesn't want to communicate with?
How can OP trust that the cousins won't also give out the location of the wedding? Do you want to wonder if mother's going to turn up there?
NTA
You're not cutting your cousins off because your mum cheated. You're cutting them off because they broke your boundaries. They knew you wanted nothing to do with her yet they sent updates and your address. That is a major betrayal, she could of turned up at the house and you would of been unprepared.
I made it very clear that if anyone told my dad about my life specifically my wedding details then I would cut them out. I didn't want him and his wife turning up making a scene.
About time I see some logic. Op has the right to set boundaries with any and everyone, the fact that his mother is constantly breaking them should make her the AH. Why does OP have to give into his to his mothers constant disregard for his boundaries? I think OP’s mother needs to come to terms with her actions having consequences. Regardless of how “cruel” or “extreme” others might view it. She is no longer a “mother” or “mother figure” in his eyes after the betrayal of her affair came to light.
The mother keeps stomping all over his boundaries and his cousins repeatedly broke his trust. Yet people are shaming OP for not wanting anything to do with them. I'm baffled at the comments on here.
[removed]
100% This. Cousin was aware of how he felt about his mother and seemed like they didn’t care. I would block said cousin and continue the NC with the moms side.
This is one of the times where I am so infuriated that I wish that I could give this a million upvotes. All the top comments are garbage and it kind of makes me a bit sick to see all the comments going 'awww, poor little OP's mom'. He didn't even ask about his mother, to start!
On top of that, you're absolutely right - they repeatedly broke his trust, violated his privacy, and his mother went along with it. Not only that but she ignored his boundaries over and over again. On most posts people trumpet the right of others to set boundaries as loud as they can and those comments get upvoted to the moon, but suddenly on this post OP is getting shamed for not caving to give in to his boundary stomping mother.
I'm not sure what your mom did to you, so I don't feel I can pass judgment, but this whole thing sounds awful. Your mom made a mistake and violated your father's trust when you were a kid and you've excommunicated her for 15 years?
INFO: Did something else happen to cause you to shut her out entirely?
It sounds like she desperately wants to be part of your life. A parent never stops loving their child. She probably thinks about you everyday. Would you ever consider attempting reconciliation?
That's what I want to know, what did she do to HIM.
She's desperately tried to be there as a mother and he keeps shutting her down.
My parents got divorced when I was really young too, but even then I understood that was between them and had nothing to do with me.
What did she do to him to warrant this much punishment. Even murderers have been let out of prison with less time served.
He explained in another comment that there were rumors around his school prior to him finding out. People were saying his mom slept with his teammates dad so he confronted his mom about it and she lied. He was defending her for a while but once the truth came out he lost friends, that the truth spread around the whole town, and had to move schools and to a whole new town to escape everything. Seems like he may have been bullied in response to the truth coming out which honestly does directly affect him.
Also, I notice a trend in OP's story. It seems like OP was never given the CHOICE to have space from mom. She just kept pushing and trying with no regard to OP's feelings. Boundaries being repeatedly violated is absolutely a reason to cut someone off permanently. I can't help but wonder if they would have a relationship today if OP's mom had listened and given some space after everything happened. Instead of ignoring OP's boundaries and needs for space.
This sub ALWAYS calls people the asshole if they ignore someone else's boundaries. Hell, I've seen people told that they'll be the asshole if they just write a letter! Yet OP's mom did all that and more and people are cooing over her as though she's some innocent baby. The cousins repeatedly fed info on him to his mother without his consent or knowledge but OP is in the wrong according to people here. Ugh.
I'm so mad about this whole thing, lol. First triggering post of 2022, I guess!
I am genuinely baffled as to how this posts comment section has gone. Folks like yourself are keeping me sane lol
Happy new year(?)!
I was going to say he was in the wrong until I read this. It changes things for me. Sleeping with anyone disrespects the spouse, but to sleep with your child's friend's parent IS a disrespect and embarassment to your child, at least in my opinion.
I can't imagine life on that team or with those teammates was easy for him after. I bet he was terribly embarassed and should have had therapy to address the situation.
I get the feeling OP's mom might not have wanted to talk this out with him and just kept pushing.
I feel for EVERYONE in this situation. I can't imagine the guilt mom must feel and OP clearly should have been in therapy long ago WITH his mom.
She broke his heart. Does there need to be anything else?
You don't have to forgive someone.
This!
I dislike the whole, ‘oh but they didn’t cheat on you’ narrative. Okay, so no, they didn’t. But they lied to you. Abused your trust. Deliberately and selfishly ruined your immediate family. Hurt the people you most care about. Chose to spend their free time either planning to see their affair partner or actually spending time with them, instead of spending time with their child.
People hugely underestimate how much affairs tear apart entire families, and I think a lot of that underestimation is to smooth the surface, brush it under the carpet and make themselves feel better. Regardless of their relation, you can acknowledge that sometimes people do shitty things and - surprise here! - you can choose not to associate with those people.
I thought I might be the only one to think like this.
And you put it better than I could. Thank you. And have my updoot.
I am finding this entire thread bizarre. People are defending his cousins saying “well he didn’t specifically say to not feed information about him to someone he went no contact with”. Weird af.
[deleted]
[deleted]
My mom also cheated on my dad, with multiple men. I did te same things you did and honestly she kind of deserved it. But even though we had the same thing happen you are still 100% the asshole.
You see, you never grew up, you never learned, you never tried, you never healed. It's fucking hard healing from something like that but you just never tried and now you are filled with so much hate and disgust that this isn't healthy. I'm not gonna say "make amends you only have one parent" but do heal for yourself. If you both decide to have a relationship and try keep moving forward go ahead, but you gotta first fix your relationship here before you commit to one for maybe your whole life.
From one broken individual to another, you need to do better for you.
Did you ever reach back out? Why did you cut her off?
Well it was hard, since everyone blamed me for the separation. So for like a year I cut her off. She left the house and I didn't want nothing to do. I did the same as op, ignore her, don't reach out and make her leave my events. I was hurt and didn't know how to cope with the hate from everyone and knowing I don't have a famiy.
But I did reach out when my sister got really sick, my mom couldn't even react or eat. So I reached out and helped her eat, get well and even thought I'm still hurt by everyone and everything I learned to cope. I might never be 100% ok with what she did or be 100% ok mentally. But I learned, I accepted and now I have a relationship.
Not giving a judgement, just here to support what u/FerCasorla is saying. My mum cheated on my dad and was generally shitty at times, but I've never harboured this kind of abject hatred for her. I feel really sorry for your mum to be honest. You went absolutely nuclear on her, and while no one can tell you that you have to repair the relationship, I think you need to do some work to figure out WHY you reacted that way. I think cheating is an awful and immoral thing to do, but I'd be wary of someone's emotional maturity if they continued to react this way.
NTA. That was a gross violation of your privacy.
Exactly.. I’m not here to comment on the relationship with my mom. It’s dead and I don’t want any connection with her. My cousins have always known this. I felt betrayed
You admit yourself that you never told them not to share info about you.
I feel though, given OP’s quite obvious resentment towards his mother, that it’s kind of a given that he wouldn’t want his mother hearing updates about his life. I think OP should have voiced that, but it’s also not a hard assumption to make.
Doesn't matter. I went no contact with my sperm donor when I was in high school. I still keep contact with the rest of the family though. They all know that it would be a complete betrayal to me if they shared info about me with him. If they shared my address, they'd be cut out too, no questions asked!
Yay! Someone who actually answered the question. The question was if OP was TA by uninviting the cousins, not for cutting off her mom.
INFO - you cut your mom out of your life permanently because of cheating once? My dad was a drug addict and I still didn't cut him out entirely, damn.
That’s YOUR decision. He is entitled to HIS decision.
And I am entitled to think that his decision was a bit much.
Be entitled to your decision. But the “I had it worse and did x” comment is a dick move. He made his choice and his cousins violated his trust.
Look you get to choose who to invite. But this is a long and damaging grudge to hold. When you were 12 you knew nothing about adult relationships, but you’re 28. Have you never made a mistake?
Lovely how you talk so lightly about destroying a family in the worst way possible. "A mistake" you say, lmao.
A mistake is putting sugar instead of salt in your dinner, not fucking someone else when you're married and with a kid, destroying the family and the child mental health in the process.
Cheating is not a mistake. It is a series of choices made.
Personally, I say NTA. Is it harsh? Probably. But you have your reasons and you're an adult. She has to respect that.
I'm going to reluctantly go with NTA.
I read in another comment that the affair was with your teammates dad and it led to a lot of bullying and lying on her part and shit like that - you should consider sticking that in the OP if that's the case because it makes your reaction more understandable. As it reads a lot of people are assuming that she just cheated and got caught and that was that and didn't really affect you (although I think that's kind of a dumb thing to say anyway)
Honestly I want to say YTA because even with what your mum did I can't help but feel for her but the post is about your cousins and I don't really get why people are so eager to say they did nothing wrong. Giving a college update or showing her some prom photos is one thing, but you can't really say "well OP never said not to give her his address!", that's just silly. They obviously know the situation between you two and obviously know you absolutely wouldn't want her to have your address. You don't need to specifically tell everyone in your life not to do that, if they know the situation then it's common sense.
Great point. I prolly should have included that in my original post.
Gently OP, you didn't word your post well. Letting us know that your Mum's affair was with a friend's Dad the fallout led to you losing friends as a kid & needing to move because it was your friends Dad. That your Mum denied the affair to you & that lie affected you.
That not only has your Mum continually ignored your NC request you went NC with her family because they kept on asking when your Dad would be back in the family.
This is Info that lets us know your cousins knew you'd never want you Mum to have your address. That you made your decision a long time ago however hard that's been for her.
NTA. You have the right to decide who comes to your wedding. End of story.
I’m not going to weigh in on your relationship with your mother because you also have the right to associate or not associate with whoever you want to. I don’t believe in staying in contact with someone if you don’t want to, just because they’re related.
NTA - the fact that the cousins knew you had cut her out, and still fed her information means they are not trustworthy.
[removed]
Jeez the amount of people defending his mom is astounding. NTA in my opinion. She cheated, hurt his dad immensely and tore his life apart, he had to LEAVE TOWN because of his mom's actions.
I’ve never heard more excuses for cheating in my life. If she wanted to leave my dad then DIVORCE him. I would have been fine and gotten over it. The fact she kept trying to get back with my dad after just ticked me off more.
No one's defending your mom for cheating. They're just pointing out your disproportionate, unhealthy reaction to it and suggesting therapy. Please get therapy. Also I don't think that "she caused me to move two towns over and lose my friends when I was 12" is quite the devastating consequence you're framing it as.
NTA. No one can tell you how to feel about your mom. Her affair changed your life. You lost a stable, two-parent home and you had a front row seat to how it affected your dad. That is heavy. Also, NTA re: your cousins. You have the right to uninvite them. Having said that, if you had close friendships with them until this point, you should try to work things out with them.but be clear about your boundaries.
You seem to carry a lot of anger about the past and should maybe look into counseling. These things have a way of screwing up other parts of your life as well as your future. Again, it is your choice who is in your life. It just doesn’t sound like how you have coped with it is healthy.
Exactly.. people keep saying I wasn’t affected. The hell I wasn’t lol. But yes I want to trust my cousins as they have always been tight with me. I think I should reconsider not inviting them. With much clearer boundaries
Info: Is there a reason you’ve treated your Mom like this than the affair? Was she a bad mother to you?
I know she did something terrible to your dad but I do feel sad for her. 15 years of being iced out by your child because of a mistake you made in your marriage… I can see why your cousins sent her updates. They probably just felt desperately sorry for your mom. Did you explicitly ask family not to pass on pictures to your mom?
This does seem really extreme. People make mistakes in their marriages all the time. Sometimes otherwise good people. It’s also possible that you didn’t have a good understanding of your parents marriage to allow you to pass so much judgement, but idk.
Unless there’s some other huge piece of information about how your mom treated you then I’m going with YTA, although I do feel bad that you’re still hurting over it so severely.
The original question is about uninviting the cousins -- the cousins just gave out OP's address to his mom. Don't you think OP has reason to be concerned that the cousins will tell mother where the wedding is, too?
NTA - you're entitled to feel hurt by your mums actions. I'm in a similar situation with my dad and would feel very betrayed if someone was giving him information against my wishes. I do think sending the cheque back ripped up was a step to far and a childish response but overall the decision is yours. If being no contact is better for you then that's completely OK. In the future though I would try and handle situations more maturely and consider things.
INFO: What was the reason for cutting out your whole maternal side of the family, save the few cousins?
Because I would have to see her at family functions. And they would come up to me asking questions about my dad. Saying how much they missed him and how they hoped to have him back in the family. It pissed me off
[deleted]
No, they were expressing support for his dad to not only forgive her, but go back to before, as if it never happened, with no actual effort on her part.
NTA. Your cousins are the AH for disrespecting your choices.You should always ask for permission before giving out someone else's personal info like number or address.
She hurt you and betrayed your family and this is the consequences of her action. You decide who you want to keep in your life OP but I do think you should let go of your anger. Not for her but for you.
ESH. you need therapy.
NTA - she hurt you so much you still can’t get over it! It sucks but it’s your decision to have her in your life- bro I know how you feel!
NTA, they broke your trust and gave out information to someone you didn't want in your life.
Finally someone posting about the reason for my post and not my mother lol
Your entire post is about your mother with a single line about your cousins. You are hyper transfixed on her being the largest villain in your life. that's why everyone is talking about her. The fact that you're focusing on this one person that said N T A shows you're just looking for validation for your actions, not actually trying to find out if you're TA or not.
[deleted]
First off Im so sorry for what you’ve been through - dealing with your moms cheating and your parents divorce had to be hard and traumatic. Im also sorry for your loss of your father.
But I gotta ask. When is it gonna be enough? Your mom lived most of her life with a loss of her husband and her son. She lost everything. After all this time, when is it gonna be enough? Are you really going to grow old and die with that pain and anger. You’re not free. You don’t have to accept her mistakes but you need to forgive. This was between your parents. I know first hand what you’re going through. Go to your mom. Tell her how you feel. You owe it to yourself
NTA - I would vote AH if you got mad over pics and stuff, but they gave her your address and that’s not ok! I hope she doesn’t show up to your place multiple times unannounced. I feel like there is something deeper, but if one of my parents cheated on the other I wouldn’t even be able to look at them. I cut off friends who cheat on their partners bc I don’t like people with shit morals and I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
You can have who you want at your wedding. If you want to split the difference, send the cousins a live-stream link just before it begins (though they may share it with your mother)
To all the people saying the mother "did nothing to him," doesn't breaking up his home count as something? Wouldn't it throw his 12-year-old life into turmoil?
You never have to see your mother again if you don't want to, but you may want to get counseling for your own self to feel better in your own life.
My cousins are who this post is about. My mother and I’s relationship is over and they knew that. I felt betraying
Giving the address was waaaaay over the line, and you are right to feel betrayed by that. They clearly put your mother over you, and how can you now trust that they won't do it again at the wedding?
Lol y'all are really good people. His mom's selfish actions uprooted his life and completely destroyed his family dynamic. And to have the woman balls to cheat with your son's teammates dad? Wow. Can't even imagine. Cheating isn't just one act. It's a build up of thoughts and actions that lead to the big finale. It doesn't matter that he was ' just a kid ' it still deeply affected him. He can react however he wants. His mom made her grave and she gets to lie in it. Was it a bit extreme getting mad at the cousins? Slightly. But yeah NTA imo.
I’ve always wondered this… my teammates dad. How the hell did she think people weren’t gonna find out.
NTA you are NC with her and a lot of people are not accepting that. Everyone who doesn't accept that should be deleted out of your life.
NTA people need to stop acting like cheaters need to be forgiven. You don’t want a relationship with her you don’t have to be. Block her and your cousins
Well. This looks pathological at this point.
YTA. So concerning that you have literally no empathy towards your own mother... What did that woman actually do to YOU?
What would you do to your fiancée if she happened to cheat on you? Would you take her children away from her too?
Your fiancée is really brave and your cousins were just being human and empathetic to a family member.
I really hope you find peace someday :/