NTA - at first I thought you were but because what difference would it make to not be in the wedding party but still be a guest. Now I see the edit where you are saying she's in the wedding party. Yeah, that sucks.
The wedding party has to do a lot of things together, taking pictures, sometimes some private get togethers for rehearsal and all that. Nah, under those circumstances, I wouldn't want to be in that close proximity.
Some people are going to ask how you can turn your back on your brother but my question would be why he turned his back on you knowing how you likely feel and staying friendly with your ex and all that.
Be a big boy and be a best man for your brother. You guys are broken up, why would you continue to give her power over you? Do not let her presence influence your decisions. YTA
Dude I could’ve seen your side maybe if this was a vitriolic toxic relationship and being around her could really derail things. But “we grew apart and started fighting?” That’s how relationships end in an extremely healthy way.
And you can’t just suck it up and be there for your brother in the most important day of his life because you’ll be around a girl “you grew apart from?” I know it won’t be a picnic but you need to get over yourself a bit here.
So you've got to decide if you want to maintain good relations with your brother or not. Do you think you will break down in front of everyone? Do you think you can't keep it together for a night? Being best man means you will be occupied and won't have much time to think about her, being a guest means you will be wallowing in your misery the whole time. It's your brother's day, try to cope for a night.
EDIT: I just read she is a bridesmaid, that changes things. Your brother should decide if he values you more, however, it seems like she will be in your life for a while yet, you need to figure out how to handle it.
NTA. If you were refusing to go to the wedding at all I’d say you were the asshole. However, the wedding party typically ends up having to do a lot of extra curricular activities together and it’s your choice to not want to be that involved if she’s involved. I’m typically really against family that overly accommodates an ex.
I completely understand the YTA comments, however, I’ve always found it a little weird when families cling onto former boyfriends/girlfriends after their own family member has broken up with them. Just me.
However, as the ex is close friends with his brother’s fiancée (close enough to be a bridesmaid), should that friendship have to end just because OP’s relationship did?
Depends on why they broke up. If she cheated, then yes the friendship should have ended. If she just dumped him then it shouldn't. We are missing vital info.
NTA. They should have know this would’ve been an issue. They can ask who they like to attend or be on their wedding but that doesn’t mean you have to agree. Both of you being in the wedding party there’s going to be more involvement than just the wedding day.
NTA. You told your brother you’re not comfortable and he said suck it up for the day. He disregarded your feelings and now he’s in his feels. Respect is 2 way street. Family or not, stick to your decision.
YTA. A wedding is ideally a once in a lifetime event and it’s a time to set aside your personal issues for the bride and groom. Be his best man and ignore said ex.
OP didn't tell us but his ex is a bridesmaid. With that info, I'm wondering what exactly ended their relationship. Cause if she cheated on him and now his brother is allowing her to be in the wedding, that would piss me off too and my brother would be lucky that I'm still going.
Be the bigger person. Look hot, smile, and don’t interact with your ex. Honestly it’s better to be the best man and be busy with that than to just be a guest- you will be too busy to have time to interact with her. And what is there to “deal with?” Ignore her. Soft YTA if you back out of being the best man.
In his shoes, I'd be pretty hurt. I know that I was no contact with my abusive mother before my sister's wedding and despite that she asked me to be the one to keep an eye on mom and make sure she didn't start shit. I wasn't looking forward to it but I had every intention of doing it for her (they ended up doing a covid courthouse thing).
You do have every right to set a boundary, but the right to do something isn't the right to do it consequence free.
INFO: when you say "things ended badly", who was (mostly) at fault for that? If it's a situation where you cheated or something, then Y TA. If you were the wronged party then N TA.
At first I said you were an ah. But then I start reading the comments and you for whatever reason decided to leave the most important piece of info out of your post.... That your ex is in the wedding party. For the life of me, I can't understand why you'd leave that out. I'm sure half the people thinking you're an ah would change their vote if they knew that she's a bridesmaid.
He said he would go to the wedding, just not as best man because she's also in the wedding party as a bridesmaid. There's a lot of interaction among the wedding party and he wants to avoid her as much as possible.
I would be pissed if my brother put me in that position, personally.
ESH. You cannot allow your ex to occupy so much real estate in your head. Learn to attend events she will be attending as well. Learn to be in the same room as her. But. Your brother should have realized this is sore for you and not invited her.
Without knowing what happened between you two to end it, YTA.
Look, relationships end. A lot of the times they end badly. Unfortunately, you're not the only person affected by the end of a relationship. Everyone around you had a social attachment to her, and they didn't all choose to lose her as a part of their lives.
Now, if she abused you or something that's a different story. But you're a whole grown adult, so you have the power to ignore her if it's not a trauma thing. You don't have to hang out at her table or dance with her.
YTA. I was the officiant for my best friends wedding. My ex was also there because he had been friends with the groom since high school. It was NOT a good break up, but you know what happened at the wedding with him?
NOTHING.
Because we were both mature adults and just kept to our own groups. It wasn't even a big wedding, and sure we made eye contact a couple times but it was easy to just not talk to them.
A reasonable ask is to not be placed at tables that are close together, but missing the day over something that is only as awkward as you make it is unreasonable. Do not ruin your relationship with your brother over the potential awkwardness
Show up, have fun, stay to your side and don't engage with her. Also apologize to your brother and his fiance for bringing this drama into their planning.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
I decided not to be my brothers best man due to my ex being very close with his fiancé and being a bridesmaid. Im starting to think im the asshole based off of it is a one night event, but i just dont feel comfortable having a big role in the wedding.
AUTOMODThanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
My brother (29M) is getting married soon and asked me (26M) to be his best man. I said yes and was really excited about it.
The problem is that my ex (28F) is invited to the wedding. We broke up about a year ago after being together for a long time, and it ended badly. We don’t talk anymore, and I still have a hard time being around her.
I found out my ex is invited because she’s still friends with my brother and his fiancé. My brother says it’s not a big deal and that I should just ignore her for one day.
I told my brother that I’m not comfortable being best man if my ex is there. I said I’d still come to the wedding, I just don’t want to have such a big role while dealing with that situation. My brother got upset and said I’m making his wedding about me and being selfish.
Now he’s angry with me, and some family members agree with him. I don’t think I’m wrong for setting a boundary, but I’m not sure anymore.
YTA. She’s an EX, the focus isn’t going to be on her or even you. It will be on your brother and his wife. Stop being selfish and be his best man unless you want to fuck up the relationship you have with your brother
YTA, sorry. Why give the ex so much power? Also, won’t you be embarrassed when she finds out you dropped out of the wedding party because you’re still hung up on her? (And she will find out.) Have some self respect! From your comment there wasn’t even cheating, just arguing at the end.
YTA your brother is right, you’re making this situation about you if you’re saying that you’ll attend but won’t be the Best Man. It sucks that they’re still friends with your ex, and it probably will be uncomfortable but this is (ideally) once in a lifetime, and this seems important to your brother.
Gentle YTA I know break ups can be hard and you may have some unresolved feelings but you can’t skip out on your brothers day. This is YOUR family event. Just do your best to avoid her. Don’t get drunk. Focus on your family. I feel your discomfort in them inviting her but it’s a couple hours on one day. You’ll be pretty busy anyway.
If my family stabbed me in the back like that by siding with my EX and staying friends knowing how I felt and then to throw insult to injury by having her in the wedding party as well. Nah, I don't blame him.
YTA — How is being the best man with your ex there harder than attending the wedding with her there?
Will it suck seeing her there? Sure. But you’re going to be so busy with wedding activities, you will hardly notice her there. If you weren’t the best man, you’re more likely to be worrying about her and seeing her and having the time to consider her, etc.
I just can’t imagine why you have to step down as best man but think still attending the wedding is easier.
Edit: In a comment, you mention the ex is a bridesmaid. That changes my feelings a lot. You will definitely have to interact if you’re both in the wedding party. In that scenario, you’re allowed to ask for more space. Sit down with your brother and really speak with him as to why this is hard. Explain to him you’re afraid that your drama might weasel its way into the wedding and you don’t want to ruin the wedding. I’m amending my decision to NAH. He’s allowed to be upset you don’t want to be the best man. You’re allowed to set a boundary if you think it’s the best for everyone.
She's a bridesmaid so there is a lot of interaction when you are in the wedding party. As a guest, he wouldn't have to interact with her nearly as much.
YTA. If you can still bear to be at the wedding, you can be his best man. Are you prepared to destroy your relationship with your brother (and family)?
I could side with OP if they said "I can't be there if she's there". But this dude is legit telling us "I can't be the best man, but I'm gonna be there".... Sooooo why can you be there and see the wedding but you can't be IN the wedding?? Shit don't make no sense.
YTA. It's not like your ex is a groomswoman; she's just a guest. Are you going to boycott your brother's wedding over your ex merely being there? Unless she did something TRULY heinous to you, you need to grow up and be 8000x more mature about everything.
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NTA - at first I thought you were but because what difference would it make to not be in the wedding party but still be a guest. Now I see the edit where you are saying she's in the wedding party. Yeah, that sucks.
The wedding party has to do a lot of things together, taking pictures, sometimes some private get togethers for rehearsal and all that. Nah, under those circumstances, I wouldn't want to be in that close proximity.
Some people are going to ask how you can turn your back on your brother but my question would be why he turned his back on you knowing how you likely feel and staying friendly with your ex and all that.
Info: Did you break up for something like cheating?
No just started growing apart and it got messy quick like arguing constantly etc..
Be a big boy and be a best man for your brother. You guys are broken up, why would you continue to give her power over you? Do not let her presence influence your decisions. YTA
Dude I could’ve seen your side maybe if this was a vitriolic toxic relationship and being around her could really derail things. But “we grew apart and started fighting?” That’s how relationships end in an extremely healthy way.
And you can’t just suck it up and be there for your brother in the most important day of his life because you’ll be around a girl “you grew apart from?” I know it won’t be a picnic but you need to get over yourself a bit here.
Grow up and get therapy.
So you've got to decide if you want to maintain good relations with your brother or not. Do you think you will break down in front of everyone? Do you think you can't keep it together for a night? Being best man means you will be occupied and won't have much time to think about her, being a guest means you will be wallowing in your misery the whole time. It's your brother's day, try to cope for a night.
EDIT: I just read she is a bridesmaid, that changes things. Your brother should decide if he values you more, however, it seems like she will be in your life for a while yet, you need to figure out how to handle it.
NTA. If you were refusing to go to the wedding at all I’d say you were the asshole. However, the wedding party typically ends up having to do a lot of extra curricular activities together and it’s your choice to not want to be that involved if she’s involved. I’m typically really against family that overly accommodates an ex.
I completely understand the YTA comments, however, I’ve always found it a little weird when families cling onto former boyfriends/girlfriends after their own family member has broken up with them. Just me.
However, as the ex is close friends with his brother’s fiancée (close enough to be a bridesmaid), should that friendship have to end just because OP’s relationship did?
Depends on why they broke up. If she cheated, then yes the friendship should have ended. If she just dumped him then it shouldn't. We are missing vital info.
NTA. They should have know this would’ve been an issue. They can ask who they like to attend or be on their wedding but that doesn’t mean you have to agree. Both of you being in the wedding party there’s going to be more involvement than just the wedding day.
YTA.
NTA. You told your brother you’re not comfortable and he said suck it up for the day. He disregarded your feelings and now he’s in his feels. Respect is 2 way street. Family or not, stick to your decision.
YTA. A wedding is ideally a once in a lifetime event and it’s a time to set aside your personal issues for the bride and groom. Be his best man and ignore said ex.
OP didn't tell us but his ex is a bridesmaid. With that info, I'm wondering what exactly ended their relationship. Cause if she cheated on him and now his brother is allowing her to be in the wedding, that would piss me off too and my brother would be lucky that I'm still going.
Be the bigger person. Look hot, smile, and don’t interact with your ex. Honestly it’s better to be the best man and be busy with that than to just be a guest- you will be too busy to have time to interact with her. And what is there to “deal with?” Ignore her. Soft YTA if you back out of being the best man.
In his shoes, I'd be pretty hurt. I know that I was no contact with my abusive mother before my sister's wedding and despite that she asked me to be the one to keep an eye on mom and make sure she didn't start shit. I wasn't looking forward to it but I had every intention of doing it for her (they ended up doing a covid courthouse thing).
You do have every right to set a boundary, but the right to do something isn't the right to do it consequence free.
INFO: when you say "things ended badly", who was (mostly) at fault for that? If it's a situation where you cheated or something, then Y TA. If you were the wronged party then N TA.
NTA. It's your choice to take on such a big role, but you have to be liwwling to face the consequences. Your brother is not going to forget this.
NTA
At first I said you were an ah. But then I start reading the comments and you for whatever reason decided to leave the most important piece of info out of your post.... That your ex is in the wedding party. For the life of me, I can't understand why you'd leave that out. I'm sure half the people thinking you're an ah would change their vote if they knew that she's a bridesmaid.
YTA you need to grow up. You really can't support your brother on his big day just because your ex will be there?
OP failed to mention that she's in the friggin wedding party.... HATE when people do that.
"Let me go over here and ask people if I'm an ah but I'll leave the most important part out"
He said he would go to the wedding, just not as best man because she's also in the wedding party as a bridesmaid. There's a lot of interaction among the wedding party and he wants to avoid her as much as possible.
I would be pissed if my brother put me in that position, personally.
Info: the context of why/how you broke up is important here, did you have a falling out or was their cheating involved?
If she cheated on you, then I think you can complain based on her being in the bridal party, when she couldn't even stay faithful.
If its the other way around, or you just drifted apart... you have no leg to stand on.
ESH. You cannot allow your ex to occupy so much real estate in your head. Learn to attend events she will be attending as well. Learn to be in the same room as her. But. Your brother should have realized this is sore for you and not invited her.
Without knowing what happened between you two to end it, YTA.
Look, relationships end. A lot of the times they end badly. Unfortunately, you're not the only person affected by the end of a relationship. Everyone around you had a social attachment to her, and they didn't all choose to lose her as a part of their lives.
Now, if she abused you or something that's a different story. But you're a whole grown adult, so you have the power to ignore her if it's not a trauma thing. You don't have to hang out at her table or dance with her.
YTA. I was the officiant for my best friends wedding. My ex was also there because he had been friends with the groom since high school. It was NOT a good break up, but you know what happened at the wedding with him?
NOTHING.
Because we were both mature adults and just kept to our own groups. It wasn't even a big wedding, and sure we made eye contact a couple times but it was easy to just not talk to them.
A reasonable ask is to not be placed at tables that are close together, but missing the day over something that is only as awkward as you make it is unreasonable. Do not ruin your relationship with your brother over the potential awkwardness
Show up, have fun, stay to your side and don't engage with her. Also apologize to your brother and his fiance for bringing this drama into their planning.
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Is she in the wedding party? Because if not, you’ll have less contact with her if you are in the wedding party.
Also take the once in a lifetime opportunity to stand beside your brother. YTA
Yes shes a bridesmaid.
So she’s a close friend of the bride?
Yes
You had to know that was relevant information
Yeah i shouldve added that. Imma make an edit to the post
YTA. First rule of a break up is that you never ask your friends/family to take sides.
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My brother (29M) is getting married soon and asked me (26M) to be his best man. I said yes and was really excited about it.
The problem is that my ex (28F) is invited to the wedding. We broke up about a year ago after being together for a long time, and it ended badly. We don’t talk anymore, and I still have a hard time being around her.
I found out my ex is invited because she’s still friends with my brother and his fiancé. My brother says it’s not a big deal and that I should just ignore her for one day.
I told my brother that I’m not comfortable being best man if my ex is there. I said I’d still come to the wedding, I just don’t want to have such a big role while dealing with that situation. My brother got upset and said I’m making his wedding about me and being selfish.
Now he’s angry with me, and some family members agree with him. I don’t think I’m wrong for setting a boundary, but I’m not sure anymore.
AITA?
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YTA unless you've got a good reason for why the relationship ended badly, which you haven't given yet.
90% of these posts are bots, dno why people bother with these responses when the situation being presented is fantasy.
Promise you this is real asf.
YTA. She’s an EX, the focus isn’t going to be on her or even you. It will be on your brother and his wife. Stop being selfish and be his best man unless you want to fuck up the relationship you have with your brother
YTA, sorry. Why give the ex so much power? Also, won’t you be embarrassed when she finds out you dropped out of the wedding party because you’re still hung up on her? (And she will find out.) Have some self respect! From your comment there wasn’t even cheating, just arguing at the end.
How is being in the audience any different than standing on the stage with him?
YTA
She's also in the wedding party
YTA your brother is right, you’re making this situation about you if you’re saying that you’ll attend but won’t be the Best Man. It sucks that they’re still friends with your ex, and it probably will be uncomfortable but this is (ideally) once in a lifetime, and this seems important to your brother.
YTA. It’s your brothers day, but you’re making it about your relationship to your ex. Suck it up, be there for him, and go back to ignoring her after.
YTA. It's been about a year, nut up and make it NOT ABOUT YOU.
Gentle YTA I know break ups can be hard and you may have some unresolved feelings but you can’t skip out on your brothers day. This is YOUR family event. Just do your best to avoid her. Don’t get drunk. Focus on your family. I feel your discomfort in them inviting her but it’s a couple hours on one day. You’ll be pretty busy anyway.
If my family stabbed me in the back like that by siding with my EX and staying friends knowing how I felt and then to throw insult to injury by having her in the wedding party as well. Nah, I don't blame him.
YTA — How is being the best man with your ex there harder than attending the wedding with her there?
Will it suck seeing her there? Sure. But you’re going to be so busy with wedding activities, you will hardly notice her there. If you weren’t the best man, you’re more likely to be worrying about her and seeing her and having the time to consider her, etc.
I just can’t imagine why you have to step down as best man but think still attending the wedding is easier.
Edit: In a comment, you mention the ex is a bridesmaid. That changes my feelings a lot. You will definitely have to interact if you’re both in the wedding party. In that scenario, you’re allowed to ask for more space. Sit down with your brother and really speak with him as to why this is hard. Explain to him you’re afraid that your drama might weasel its way into the wedding and you don’t want to ruin the wedding. I’m amending my decision to NAH. He’s allowed to be upset you don’t want to be the best man. You’re allowed to set a boundary if you think it’s the best for everyone.
She's a bridesmaid so there is a lot of interaction when you are in the wedding party. As a guest, he wouldn't have to interact with her nearly as much.
Hence why I edited my comment.
YTA. If you can still bear to be at the wedding, you can be his best man. Are you prepared to destroy your relationship with your brother (and family)?
OP didn't add that she's a bridesmaid. A little different with that info. OP needs to edit this post.
Yta Get over it already and grow up
I could side with OP if they said "I can't be there if she's there". But this dude is legit telling us "I can't be the best man, but I'm gonna be there".... Sooooo why can you be there and see the wedding but you can't be IN the wedding?? Shit don't make no sense.
It's because she's also in the wedding party
Definitely the AH and making it about you!
YTA. It's not like your ex is a groomswoman; she's just a guest. Are you going to boycott your brother's wedding over your ex merely being there? Unless she did something TRULY heinous to you, you need to grow up and be 8000x more mature about everything.
She is a bridesmaids
NTA for wanting to step down as best man and just attend as a guest.
Here we go again, OP leaving out vital info. This is literally the most important info in this story and you leave it out?!
That needs to go into your post!
Yeah I know I put an edit but it was too late for most people to see.