I live in my ancestral home, with my elderly parents. I have a sibling that lives on the same property in a financed trailer. Some years ago, I paid to build a rather nice shop building and I installed a BBQ pit on it, for socializing. My sibling's spouse apparently loves my grilling and, for the last 4 months, every Sunday I have been pressured into grilling. They bought only the first time. They washed dishes only the first time. Every time since it has been - our mum buys and preps the patties - I clean my grilling flatware and grill the patties - my sibling walks up takes three patties for his spouse, says 2 words and leaves.
I have been very vocal with our mom that this is not how communal dinners are supposed to work. I have told her I don't want to do it, but every time she pressures me into doing it again because she is just about the nicest person in the world and will do anything for the sake of avoiding conflict, whereas my sibling will blow up and not talk to someone for months for the simplest thing...his spouse isn't any better
Which brings me to today. Suffice to say, I wasn't in a good state of mind to begin the day, in the middle of going from a night schedule to a day schedule, I would have preferred to be in bed instead of being expected to grill. Our mum was still awake at 4AM making the patties. I was going to grill them at 10AM so I could get to sleep, my foot was hurting (I didn't tell anyone) and I have a sizable job on Monday. So the lot of them go to church service (I don't really attend anymore), leaving me here. So I bring all my dirty utensils in from my shop to wash them in the dish washer and I can't find soap anywhere. I wait until they come rolling in from service at 11:30, I'm used to being in bed by noon at this point. Then, my father gets out and they...leave... to go shopping.
By this point I am royally pissed off because, IMO, communal meals shouldn't be this kind of crap. Months of this taken for granted stuff kinda came to a head. I texted our mom, after multiple failed calls: "This is some bullshit. I have no clean tools, they're all in the dishwasher and I can't find your soap, and I'm really tired. I'm going to lay down in 15 minutes. You guys either come back and help or I'm saying to fucking hell with the hamburgers."
She begged me to make the [sibling's wife's] burgers. I replied "Parties or shopping, you fucks have a choice to make. I'm tired.". I admit that I feel guilty about the language I used in those texts to our mom, I shouldn't have done that, but that's not the problem.
The problem is my psychotic sibling and their even more psychotic spouse read the texts over my mom's shoulder in the car, without her knowing, with the former grabbing the phone from her and apparently they've gone bat crap crazy over them, painting me as the bad guy.
Now our mom is looking at me like the bad guy because I didn't just make the patties to appease them, saying I ruined Christmas. AITA?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Not nice to you though is she. NTA.
And even nice people are told "no"
Your mom may be nice, but she’s not THAT nice if she’s guilting into doing this. Tell ALL of them that you are done, finished, over it — there will be no more grilling for them until you SEE some changes. Then STICK TO YOUR GUNS. They can only take advantage of you if you let them.
NTA....if they want food and specifically request it they should help in the preparing of it. when was the last time they made something for you that you liked to eat. Stop being a door mat...unfortunately your mom won't cause thats her kid......and stand up for yourself.
To be honest, I'd never eat anything from them. They have sent up food items they didn't want and it's straight into the garbage. I was not exaggerating when I called my sibling's spouse psychotic, to the point that I don't trust him/her based on past events.
That aside, I have stood up for myself, but my mother is my weakness. She really is the nicest person in the world and I benefit greatly from her generosity, as my parents do from me, but I have a terribly hard time telling her no when she lays on the guilt. Nice as she is, her flaw is the "anything for the sake of peace" mentality that she has always embraced. I have no trouble telling my sibling to eff off...until she gets in the middle of it.
Is she really the nicest person? Constantly guilt tripping one of her own children to enable the other to abuse them isn't what I call nice.
Yeah, she’s not “avoiding conflict”, she’s perfectly fine having conflict with the OP, probably because OP eventually gives in. (I’m not trying to make her out as some master manipulator twirling her mustache or whatever here, to be clear, I’m saying she probably prefers to have this argument with OP because OP doesn’t go “bat crap crazy” and it’s less stressful for her, which she’s selfishly prioritizing over OP’s feelings.)
Your mother is expecting you to keep the peace at the detriment of your own personal mental health. I want you to think about that. Your needs, your wants take second place, to everything. Embrace being the bad guy (you're not). Put on your big girl panties and tell your parents (especially mom) no more. Make her want peace with you more that your brother.
Tell mom that you and your sibling, and their partner, are all adults, and as adults you will all handle your own disagreements yourselves. The three of you are involved in this business, she is not. And point out to her how often her "anything for the sake of peace" philosophy only benefits your siblings and his wife, but never you. Ask her if she really thinks thats fair, and if she really thinks that fairness should be sacrificed for "peace." Beacuse that isnt real peace. Tell her that if she really wants this situation resolved, and really cannot stop herself from interfering, then she must stop telling you to cater to their whims when they are unfair. Tell her to direct her energy towards telling sibling and their partner to stop acting this way because they are wrong.
Your mom isn’t nice, she’s an enabler and a doormat and she’s trying to turn you into one too.
Nice people don't guilt trip people or put others in uncomfortable positions to be taken advantage of.
understandable. Its hard finding the middle ground between supporting your mom and tell sibling to go pound sand. You're definitely NTA but by supporting mom, you're by extension supporting your sibling. Do what you can and leave what you cant, dont beat yourself up for it and choose love for you. Always
Nice is not the same thing as being kind and respectful.
She may be "nice" to everyone, but she is not being kind or treating you with respect, otherwise your feelings would matter too and she wouldn't override you and your boundaries with your sibling.
edited for spelling
Your mother is taking the side of the psychos in this scenario and choosing to guilt-trip you instead of back you up. That's the opposite of niceness whether she realizes it or not. "Mum, why are you choosing them over me? I'm tired of being treated like shit and acting like a private chef for them and you saw how rude they are". Period.
People-pleasers and peacekeepers always have at least one person they are willing to take advantage of, usually another nice, understanding person. For your mom, that’s you. She fears the psychos and knows you won’t kick up a fuss. It was past time to lay down some boundaries with them, and let the consequences happen. I know it’s hard.
NTA, of course (although you could have been politer to your mother). I suggest you read don't rock the boat, which perfectly encapsulates what's going on here. Your brother/SIL rock the boat and expect everyone else to jump to keep the boat stable. You might want to share it with your mother to help her see a bit more clearly what's going on. Right now, the boat-rockers have no incentive to stop, because your mom lets them get their way.
That was a brilliant read. Thank you. I will share that.
NTA, but you should stay up if you are switching to days. Going to bed at noon will have you up way too early.
I've found that switching gradually over a period of a week or two has longer lasting results. I've tried the sudden switch and, aside from the weird "wide awake euphoria" that pops up around the 30 hour mark, that makes it hard to get to sleep, there is a high chance of relapsing to the old schedule, at least for me. Noon, here, is a midway point in the 10 day long transition.
Regarding the Judgement Bot, "slavery" is a rather strong term that I wouldn't have used had I remembered that the PM response goes on the post. "servitude" probably would be a better, less charged, term to use there. Sorry.
NTA but why haven't you messaged your brother and told him to do x, y, z if he wants burgers???
I actively try not to message my sibling. It doesn't end well. Some months back I texted asking my siblings to "step up" with helping with our parents and got treated with just about the nastiest replies from this sibling that they could think of, just shy of being considered terroristic in nature. In this particular case, my mom said they "threatened to sick the fbi on me", what exactly for...i've no clue, after they read the texts that I sent our mom and their spouse claimed she could "read mom's text messages" on her phone, as in she claimed to have illegal access. They truly are a psychotic couple. Fun fact, the spouse actually has been institutionalized several times... yeah, so, burgers have only happened this long because mom got in the middle.
You can’t message them but you’re expected to cook for them? WOW.
Your sibling treats you like that and you still cook for them?
Sounds like you've been enabling them and part of the problem. But glad you're starting to break free of that now.
Stop cooking for these losers. Tell your mom to grow a shiny new spine or she can cook for herself and herself alone.
No more bbq! EVER!
If you keep doing it, that's on you!
YTA. none of these people care about you yet you bend over backwards to accommodate them. Sleep when you want to, grill when you want to. Say no when you want to and stick to it.
You ruined Christmas 10 days before Christmas Eve? Impressive!
NTA, and I'm sorry, your mother is not all that nice. She's sacrificing your well-being for a sibling who treats you like shit. A nice person would want all of her children to be happy.
NTA. I would direct towards you sibling the stipulation that you will no longer grill unless they 1) purchase at least part of the food, 2) prep the area for grilling, 3) clean up after.
If at any point they fail to do any of the following, you will not be doing a barbecue until they rectify the situation.
Frankly if they want BBQ burgers what is stopping them cooking them? It's hardly rocket science.
Agreed. I wouldn't cook for them, but I am not worried about staying connected to people due to the idea of family. Many people are. Seems OP wants to have some semblance of a relationship, even if just to make their mom happy.
“NO.” …is a complete sentence.
Sibling is being treated like the ‘Golden Child,’ and you are being treated like the ‘Scapegoat Child.’ Your mom is a narcissist.
NTA I completely get how you feel but you are expressing anger at the wrong person. It’s your entitles brother and his wife that are being jerks, not your mom.
Use your words and tell them you are done being their designated free cook and maid. And shopper! If they want these barbecues they need to contribute.
INFO: Why is she making the patties at 4am? Why are you grilling at 10 when they're back at 11.30? This makes it seem like BBQing burgers is a super long, complicated affair.
omg i can't believe they expect you to just cook for them and don't even help out or bring stuff?? nta, maybe tell them no grill privileges until they start contributing again.
Move.
You should stop using your mommy as a mediator and deal with people like the adult you presumably are. If you don't want to make your brother a burger, fucking don't? You don't get brownie points for acting like the burger martyr, just stop making them.
Have you actually communicated the issue? Unless i missed it it sounds like you all don’t know how to communicate. That said NTA for being at your witts ends but y.t.a. For not setting boundaries. Follow through.
NTA. Your mum isn't nice, she's using you as a meat shield against your sibling and SIL.
NTA.
Except with you.
So there’s no more grilling because you’re not actually having “communal meals” anyway.
And if bro wants to be with a crazy person, he needs to learn how to grill for said crazy person.
Mum will have to get used to conflict since it’s her enabling of her other child that has caused him to be so selfish.
And you…yes things come to a head and you really were expressing your issue with the arrangement all through but you’re also a grown up and if your mom is conflict averse, doesn’t mean you have to be I standing up directly for yourself.
You need to say what you want to do. What you want is a potluck meal where everybody brings something. You can ask people including this person if they want to do a potluck and if they do who wants to organize talking to people about what they’re gonna bring.
Not a fan of you bottling it up until you ended up cursing at them, but NTA.
It's okay to say no, your Mom isn't holding a gun to your head.
Give them a date when the next BBQ will be.
Until then, keep repeating "That doesn't work for me." I recommend avoiding any sort of justification or defense beyond that, because your Mom will just use it as a reason to argue. Be prepared to add "I've already said that doesn't work for me. The next BBQ is on X date. If you bring it up again I am [walking out of the room/hanging up the phone/muting notifications from you].
Good luck!
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I live in my ancestral home, with my elderly parents. I have a sibling that lives on the same property in a financed trailer. Some years ago, I paid to build a rather nice shop building and I installed a BBQ pit on it, for socializing. My sibling's spouse apparently loves my grilling and, for the last 4 months, every Sunday I have been pressured into grilling. They bought only the first time. They washed dishes only the first time. Every time since it has been - our mum buys and preps the patties - I clean my grilling flatware and grill the patties - my sibling walks up takes three patties for his spouse, says 2 words and leaves.
I have been very vocal with our mom that this is not how communal dinners are supposed to work. I have told her I don't want to do it, but every time she pressures me into doing it again because she is just about the nicest person in the world and will do anything for the sake of avoiding conflict, whereas my sibling will blow up and not talk to someone for months for the simplest thing...his spouse isn't any better
Which brings me to today. Suffice to say, I wasn't in a good state of mind to begin the day, in the middle of going from a night schedule to a day schedule, I would have preferred to be in bed instead of being expected to grill. Our mum was still awake at 4AM making the patties. I was going to grill them at 10AM so I could get to sleep, my foot was hurting (I didn't tell anyone) and I have a sizable job on Monday. So the lot of them go to church service (I don't really attend anymore), leaving me here. So I bring all my dirty utensils in from my shop to wash them in the dish washer and I can't find soap anywhere. I wait until they come rolling in from service at 11:30, I'm used to being in bed by noon at this point. Then, my father gets out and they...leave... to go shopping.
By this point I am royally pissed off because, IMO, communal meals shouldn't be this kind of crap. Months of this taken for granted stuff kinda came to a head. I texted our mom, after multiple failed calls: "This is some bullshit. I have no clean tools, they're all in the dishwasher and I can't find your soap, and I'm really tired. I'm going to lay down in 15 minutes. You guys either come back and help or I'm saying to fucking hell with the hamburgers."
She begged me to make the [sibling's wife's] burgers. I replied "Parties or shopping, you fucks have a choice to make. I'm tired.". I admit that I feel guilty about the language I used in those texts to our mom, I shouldn't have done that, but that's not the problem.
The problem is my psychotic sibling and their even more psychotic spouse read the texts over my mom's shoulder in the car, without her knowing, with the former grabbing the phone from her and apparently they've gone bat crap crazy over them, painting me as the bad guy.
Now our mom is looking at me like the bad guy because I didn't just make the patties to appease them, saying I ruined Christmas. AITA?
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NTA Are you even getting much enjoyment out of the grill? Because you're not going to be able to change your mom's love for her child. Your sibling is never going to stop sucking. You can't move away and leave your mother to get neglected by your sibling. So unless having the grill is worth the fights to come as you (rightfully) refuse to be used, the easier path is to claim it's broken, sell it, and don't replace it until circumstances change.
I grill quite a bit with people I enjoy being around. I grill for myself when the urge strikes. The grill stays ✌
Christmas Patties?
NTA Why can't they come over, make it themselves, clean up and go home? They don't even have to socialize. Just leave it as good or better than they found it. Talk about weaponized incompetence.
NTA I don't even know how you have lasted four months with this routine because that is insane. I understand your mum pressures you but I would make it clear that if I am expected to grill it is for a social-ish event where I get to hang out and see my family, eat food with them, and then relax.
The fact they have not paid for the food they are eating or even offered to clean or even eaten the patties with you is clearly disrespectful.
I would tell my sibling that is his spouse loves grilling, he is welcome to use the barbecue pit to grill giving that he cleans it up afterwards.
I'd be so patty (lol) to make a point of grilling only for my parents. On days none of the others can join.
Take nice pictures and post them online, "Oh what a great grillplate that was"
When they show up, the grill is cold. No food for them. Even if they apologize, i would not revert to serving them anymore, that's long past.
NTA
Christmas isn’t for another week.
Just stop feeding them and cooking for them, period. Tell your mother that your brother and SIL will survive if you stop cooking for them and that she needs to stop investing energy in trying to force YOU to do their bidding. NTA
You are nta for putting your foot down. Yta for the way you did it. All you need to do is say “this feels one-sided I’m not doing it today” and you could say it on day 3.
NTA - No common courtesy or communal spirit = cook for your damn self. I'd cut them off for good.
Ok. There's a lot of ah to go around.
Your brother and his wife are treating you like a short order cook and your mom is allowing it. You took your frustration out on your mom. And bro snooped on mom's phone. So really - it's an entire proctologist's office.
You need to pick one issue. Just one. And it sounds like the grilling is your main one. Tell everyone that you started the grilling as a community activity. That you did it to take some pressure off mom and to bring the entire family together for an hour a week to enjoy each other and connect. And that's not what is happening. So 1. Is the rest of the family interested in a low-key connection gathering on a regular basis and 2. If they are - does the grill lunch work for them.
And listen to their answers. Maybe they don't value the time. Maybe the time is really bad for them. Maybe they're struggling financially and don't want to share that. After you have actual information - assuming they DO want to connect - then work together to create a plan.
You are NTA for feeling like an unappreciated fry cook.
Honestly, ESH and you way less, but yeah, esh.
You suck for losing your cool, but that's it imo. I get it was a bad day. But did you need to lash out at your mother? It might have been the best way to rectify the situation, but it wasn't needed. You should sit down with your mom and dad and apologize for the wording but not the message. The
Your brother and SIL are another story. Outside of everyone else's comments, whats their end goal? Is it to live there forever, move out, kids(grandchildren), take over the house, and kick you out, find their own place? Find out what the goal is and the expectations of everyone. I'd also put money on them being closer to your parents at this time just due to your job hours.
‐----------
To be honest, it sounds like something is breaking. If you want to fix it, then you'd have to step up to start it, if not find another living situation.
Aging parents that are not on the same schedule as you means your brother/SIL are talking and dealing with them more and more. That breeds resentment to you about not "helping" in their mind. Your grilling could be your one thing that you do for the house in their eyes. Now you're complaining and stopped doing your "one thing" for no good reason.
NTA. Stop, OP. Just stop. Forget 'communal' anything. Your brother and his wife don't see how anything is communal. They think everyone else in your family live to serve on demand. You can't stop your parents from jumping whenever they say jump, but you can stop any time!
If your brother wants to appease his wife, all he needs to do is buy a grill and set it up for them. That way, your mom doesn't have to prep. You don't have to cook. And your brother and his wife can eat fresh grilled meat at their own leisure. With their own funds. And their own effort.
I genuinely don't understand a world where you're worried about doing this for them all the time, so the solution is to just stop. If mom and dad have a problem with it, "Brother and SIL are adults who can do this for themselves. No, they can't use the grill I bought and paid for. No, they aren't entitled to free labor from me at will. If the harassment continues, I will rethink my living situation."
It would be that simple, OP.
Your mom is a pushover who panicked at having to stand her ground, ever. That is not the definition of nice esp. When the results are particularly unkind for you. nta, but WBTA if you cook for anyone again without them paying for the ingredients. Youll be falling into your moms "nice" trap. one that requires you to be a doormat to fulfill its requirements.
Throw the meat on the grill and tell them to cook it themselves or let it burn. Their choice. They either help or not. You got your answer.
I'm struggling to understand creating an entire pit barbecue space for just grilling burgers.
PSA: People like this are not nice. They are cowards. They would prefer that bad people be happy and good people be uncomfortable so long as they don't have to take any action themselves. If you're not willing to stand up for me against a bad actor (assuming no safety issues in doing so), then you're not my friend, you're their friend. You can't be friends with everyone as long as there are bad actors in the world.
NTA this is an instance of your mom being nice but not necessarily being kind. If she was being kind, your feelings and needs would also be considered here. However, I’m also wondering where your father is in this equation. Is he able or willing to step in?
You didn’t ruin Christmas. You might have broke the illusion of everyone being happy and normal first but this sounds like an issue that extents way beyond what’s happening here. I imagine this was a confrontation brewing for a long while now. Eventually something is going to boil over if you let it sit long enough.
nta
but your mom isnt nice, nice people dont guilt trip
their arms arent broken, they can grill their own food
Sell the grill. Problem solved.