My 24-year-old biological son moved back in with my spouse and me this summer to get his life back on track. This is meant to be temporary. I’ve been clear that by the end of January he needs a documented plan (school, a trade, etc.), and I’ve even set aside $10k to help cover trade school if needed. He’s made some progress, including paying off about $5,000 in debt by working multiple jobs.
Yesterday, my son told me (not asked) that he planned to bring a woman he just met on Tinder to stay at our house for two nights. We live about 100 miles from the city. My spouse was immediately uncomfortable with having a stranger stay in our home. I also had concerns because my son privately told me she is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, has had legal issues, and is only 22.
I told him that if he were actually dating someone and we had met her first, that would be different, but bringing a complete stranger to stay for two nights wasn’t something we were comfortable with.
This led to a broader argument. While discussing boundaries around strangers in the house, I told my spouse that I’m also not comfortable with my 17-year-old stepdaughter hosting a New Year’s Eve party at our house while we’ll be a 20-hour drive away. My spouse had already told her she could have the party, despite my objections.
Last year, my stepdaughter hosted a Halloween party while we were home to supervise, and several random 20-something adults showed up after hearing about it. I had to ask them to leave, and I don’t know how many more would have come if we hadn’t been there.
So I said that if we’re saying no to strangers staying over for my son, the same rule applies to parties for my stepdaughter. No party while we’re away. That caused a major fight, and now my son, spouse, and stepdaughter are all angry with me.
I feel like I’m expected to help everyone, but not allowed to set boundaries in my own home. We also have valuable and sentimental items in the house, and I don’t want to risk damage or worse while we’re gone.
AITA for saying no to strangers staying over or parties happening when we aren’t home?
TL;DR: Said no to my adult son bringing a stranger home and no to my teenage stepdaughter hosting a party while we’re away. Now everyone is mad at me.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Why would anyone let a 17 year old have a party without parents present? That seems like a horrible idea!
NTA
Bio mom is whacked. No teen parties especially when you're that far away. Bring her with you if you don't trust her to not go ahead with it despite your no.
Letting 17-year-old have a party with no parents, especially when 20-year-olds showed up last time, is a terrible idea. Someone could get seriously hurt, police could get involved for many different reasons. This could be a big financial disaster.
Yes, exactly. I served on a jury around 2005 in Plano, TX and it involved a teenager getting severely beaten with a pool cue and ultimately being so messed up physically and cognitively that he lost his scholarship to some school where he was supposed to play sports after hs graduation (although I think he had instigated the fight if I remember correctly). I think these kids were all 17 or 18, and there were multiple related lawsuits, including one against the parents who owned the home. I’m a 49 year old mom now with a 16 and 18 year old, and that trial really made an impact on me. There is no f-ing way I would risk that.
and at New Years, where the tradition is to kiss someone at midnight
A situation with all sorts of Potential Drama.
(I have seen New Year's Kiss drama from people over 21...)
Yeah, I had the house to myself at 17, had a few friends over (<10), and it was fine. Then I invited the wrong person to the next get-together and word spread of the "party" at my house. It was a shit show.
Any parent purposely allowing this, while away, and even better on New Years, which is celebrated by alcohol and fireworks, is an idìot.
NTA
Same thing happened to me! Plenty of parties/gatherings that were no issue and then one small party I had, someone sent a text around that there was a party at mine and cars full of people turned up. Someone threw a flare at my house.
All it takes is one d*ckhead to learn your parents aren’t home and you have a recipe for disaster. I’d never let my kids have a party while I wasn’t there and I’d make sure I have working cameras to make sure they don’t go behind my back.
Yeah, and that was just other high schoolers. For me, I never had people over like that again.
Maybe the daughter did nothing wrong like you and I hadn't, but I sure af wouldn't be open to that possibility while 20 hours away on a party holiday.
I'll never forget the time when we, as 17 year olds, all went to a Halloween party at a classmate's house where the parents weren't home.
Someone let the dog out of the garage, where it had been shut in for safety, and it got run over.
I'm a big no on unsupervised teen parties :-(
If they go away for the holidays, step daughter will have her party and her son will have his tinder date over. Impressive to be on the losing end of every single issue while being hated by all parties. Well done.
Unless you've a close family friend you'd trust to babysit the party, that seems like a bad idea.
And I'm not sure there is a family friend close enough that they'd be willing to sacrifice their NYE to babysit a bunch of teenagers. I have several really close friends whose kids I adore and I'd still nope out of that.
the sort of friends that would WANT to do this is someone who wants to be the cool aunt or the "whatever, I'll be upstairs with a beer if you need me". You need the "hell no" kind of friend and they don't want to do that.
Bro when i was 16 i absolutely trashed my stepdads house. I mean fuck him, he was a wifebeater but the amount of people that came uninvited, was crazy. Probably lived 1000 people in that small town, at least 80 people showed up, also from surrounding villages.
Must really want a grandkid
In about 82 my parents, while on an RV trip out of town, allowed a 6 person 17 yo boys only poker game including beer.
They did t know about the weed.
But no problems, arrests, or fires .
Because they're living in a 90s teen movie.
Sounds like you and spouse should stay home for the holidays instead of leaving your house in the hands of irresponsible 24 son and underage daughter. NTA
This what my thought. Why do they keep leaving when there is no evidence that these two young people will make safe choices? OP didn't go into detail about the son, but it seems like he's made his share of mistakes.
Keep leaving? What are you talking about? The parents were home during the party where 20-year-olds showed up.
Reading is fundamental.
Agreed or have a relative they trust stay and keep the place under control. These 0 chance these kids are not going to have people over when they’re gone lol
I can guarantee that some items will be stolen, more items will be damaged, plenty of strangers will come and that's if you're lucky and it's a great party with great kids who can control themselves. Someone also will have sex in your bed.
If you're unlucky, then someone will be assaulted, or someone will drink too much and need medical attention, or someone will bring who knows which drugs, also possibly resulting in a need for hospitalization. Or they will damage more than a few glasses and pillows.
Why is your partner agreeing with this?
Years ago while on a trip with my fiance(now husband) my teenage son tricked my brother into letting him come back home the night before I got back. He had a huge party. Word got out and there were 20 year olds from the local college as well as high school kids. I arrived home the next day, and he was sound asleep in his bed. I took my suitcase into my bedroom to unpack. As I started, I began to notice quite a bit of my stuff was messed with. Long story short, someone had taken all of my jewelry. My father had worked in UAE, Saudi, and Iran before I had kids. I had some of the most beautiful jewelry from those countries. All gone. As well as mikimoto pearls and vintage jewelry from my ex husband. Needless to say the police were called and my son was in huge trouble. Don’t let a Teenage girl have a party in your absence. Don’t let a stranger in your house either. Get her a hotel room nearby. NTA.
Did they get any of your jewelry back?
Never. My son was 16 at the time and had no idea what he had done. The police concluded with the help of some of the local kids that the kids from college were the thieves. They also raided the freezer in the garage and took a lot of frozen food. My dad died 20 years ago and I have none of the gifts he brought me from his travels.
Someone will throw up behind the couch and the police will be called and the next day you will be fielding calls from angry parents and neighbors.
Ironically, the neighbours kids this this about 8 years ago. Destroyed his house, and one girl had a psycotic episode and an ambulance had to be called. That knowledge lives with me to this day.
That's because that's what happens when irresponsible teenagers gather in great numbers. It's such a meme that there are movies about it.
Then why are you leaving? No way in hell would I be going…you know she’ll have the party anyway…also your wife needs to get a clue…NTA
I have a story from my childhood of a kid who was left unsupervised in the family home while the parents were off on a vacation.
Party thrown, house that was on the market to be sold was absolutely trashed inside and some outside plus a wrecked mustang that the kid wasn't supposed to be driving.
Then continue with the knowledge that the only way to prevent it is to stay home or bring the teens with you.
Please have your wife read Im starting to strongly dislike my daughter.
OP can be legally responsible if there is underage drinking or drugs done. Ask your wife how much she likes her house, because the victim of a drunk driver could sue you to the moon and back.
My teenage child somehow decided that since they have had some great parties at our house that we should extend an invitation to all of their friends to have their parties at our house. I had to very clearly explain to them that we will not provide a free venue, free cleaning and catering, free insurance for loss or damage, free wear and tear on our house nor the need for us (well, me specifically, my wife goes to bed and leaves me to supervise every single event at our house) to be present and supervising the entire thing just because their friends like hanging out at our house. Teenagers...
NTA. While your son's girlfriend may be lovely, "recovering drug addict and alcoholic" are unfortunately red flags for overnight house guests, expecially when you've never met her. So let your son take a bit of the money he has and rent a room while she's visiting.
And no 17 yr old child should be hosting a party while the parents are out of town, especially after the last experience where older "guests" showed up.
It's your house (and your spouse's, I assume) and you're allowed to set boundaries.
Edited to add context.
Not gf. Hook up. No judgement, but he does not know this woman.
NTA This whole situation is out of control. Tinder is a hookup app period. If he wants to bring a woman to stay for a few days so he can hookup he needs to get an apartment. If he doesn’t like your rules he’s more than welcome to adult 24/7 and get an apartment somewhere.
The spouse is out of line too things like this need to be discussed and mutually agreed upon. I hate to say this but this household seems like the Wild West; just a free for all. Boundaries are a must.
I am the husband lol!!
Ugh my apologies let me fix that!
You should show this post to your wife
Tinder is not exclusively a hookup app. But in the context of the story, the son is absolutely using it as one.
Yea it’s just the level of disrespect to the household. My parents would never go for a boyfriend spending the night short of an emergency and even then it’s completely separate rooms. So this whole stranger of an app situation is wild. The son needs to get a hotel room for the weekend.
or my suggestion was that he could be an adult and rent a hotel room.
Nope, NTA. It's either "no strangers policy" for both, or for no one. Also, a bunch of teens on NYE, without supervision is a recipe for disaster. What if someone gets hurt? This could be a liability for you for knowingly endangering minors.
Plus, you know it will go out on social media about the 17 year old's party, and there will be tons of people trashing OP's home. Things will disappear, there will be a lot of broken and destroyed property, who knows how many people will show up. The destruction will be huge.
NTA. Your stepdaughter is a minor and there could be drugs and alcohol brought into the house. Her safety aside, the liability alone would be too much. Your [edit] spouse is a hypocrite. It's your house too.
I would stay home and make sure the party does not happen. Also, consider if the marriage is serving you. You deserve to have your needs met.
I am the husband.
Sorry for assuming. I updated it
could be? 🤣🤣🤣
Yeah, for a New Year’s party with 20 year olds, there will 100% be drugs and alcohol
You’re NTA but you do realise that the 17 yr old will be having that party whether she has permission or not.. I’d be reconsidering my plans if I were you.
Yup. NTA, but there’s a 100% chance that the daughter is having that party and the son’s GF will be staying there that night. If you’re really against this, you need to stay home. The cat is already out of the bag in these situations.
NTA, but you're trying to put toothpaste back into the tube with your stepdaughter if she's already gotten permission for the party & hosted one before, and you know both she and your son are going to have people over behind your back anyway, right?
NTA. No 17-year-old should be hosting unsupervised parties in your home. Your wife allowing her biological daughter to host parties that invite adult strangers while objecting to your son bringing a stranger over is hypocritical.
NTA. These are extremely reasonable rules. Your spouse is overreacting, why would a minor be allowed to throw a party without any adults present, let alone 20 hours away??? Especially considering multiple 20 something’s “mysteriously” showed up to a minor’s party in the past (no way they just pulled up out of the blue, that’s not a thing unless you live in a neighborhood that’s mostly college students. Even then that was still not a thing and I’m still in college). It’s a problem that he made a decision about your shared home without discussing it with you first.
INFO: Is your son paying rent?
On the house party thing - N-T-A, there’s no adult supervision and you have first-hand experience of how quickly things can go south even with supervision.
EDIT: Have seen your comments, NTA on either count.
No he is not.
Even if he pays rent there can often be agreements in various house sharing situations about overnight guests not staying.
DS can be a grown up and get a hotel room.
NTA
Its your home first. Most of the stuff there is yours. Your children do not pay rent. They are inviting people into YOUR home.
Your son is out of line to bring Tinder dates home. He can go to school, get his trade certificate, move out and invite as many tinder dates back as he wants. He should be grateful he can fall back on his parents during this time in his life, not everyone can.
Your stepdaughter failed the test. She invited 20 yolds to a party with minors. Until she can prove that she can be responsible under supervision, it makes no sense to reward her with more agency.
The 20 somtings showed up uninvited from 3 towns over. a min hour drive. House parties are liek a virus, word spreads fast on social media.
And on New Year's? Recipe for disaster.
And why do you think word spreads? Tons of teens know how to have a small responsible gathering at their home, idk why your daughter can't grasp this basic concept.
Does your spouse realize you would both be culpable if anything untoward happened at your stepdaughter‘s party? Underage drinking, accidents, etc. This is just stupid overall.
Honestly I would say no to everyone for being disrespectful of your Boundaries. No to your Son having a house guest. No to your stepdaughter having a party. No to your Wife on going away. I would be staying home and just enjoying the quiet if no one wanted to speak to me. NTA
Edit since OP is the Husband.
Yeah, with the daughter wanting a party, the son wanting women over, and it being a holiday celebrated with alcohol and fireworks, I'd be staying home too. That or everyone is staying elsewhere, and the house is off limits with cameras or a trusted/nosey neighbor to ensure it.
100%! I couldn't even enjoy a trip worrying about the kids nonsense back home. It's not worth it.
I am the husband.
Sorry about that. You tell your Wife you are staying home and not going away. You deserve to protect your Peace! 💙
If someone from that party drinks and drives and injured themselves you can be held criminally responsible, just saying. NTA
Yes. This happened to my great-aunt. Her daughters held a party at her house when they were 17-19 and one of the underage guests drove home drunk, crashed into a tree, and died. My great-aunt was charged (I don't remember the exact charges, but it wasn't good) because she was aware the party was taking place and technically enabled it.
NTA. You do not want the liability for either situation with your son & stepdaughter.
Plus with your son-you do not want this girl in your house with your son by themselves at all, especially with all the legal problems she has. Set up a plan to meet her and if your son wants to have her over, you & your wife need to be there at all times.
Sounds entirely reasonable to me. You and your spouse need to agree on some rules and work on communication. She okay'd daughter's party without talking to you.
Even worse. They talked about it and she gave her daughter permission despite OP's objections.
Oops. Missed that part.
I will never forget coming home to find eggs thrown against my new wallpapered kitchen. My children had a party and apparently they threw my eggs through the door at people in the pool. And they missed. I think some hard discussions need to be made in your household. Also I had my brand new fishing set stolen, my piggy bank emptied by a drug using person while I was at work.
NTA… like you say what happens if other people come that aren’t invited? What happens if alcohol is served in something happens and you knew there was gonna be a party and you get sued? Would other parents let their kids have a New Year’s party without a parent there? I certainly wouldn’t let my kids go to that kind of party.
You’re NTA because you’re absolutely right, but now you’re going to have to stay home on NYE. I hope you can get your spouse to realize how irresponsible he’d be to let that go on (and what a weird double-standard he has).
(Edited for mistake over who spouse was)
OP is the husband…
Oh thank you! And my bad! I’ll edit accordingly!
NTA, mostly.
The only thing I think is off is that you're making the same rules for both. There are reasons in both cases to say no, but you linking them saying 'I said no to my son having strangers so I'm saying no your daughter' isn't the link you want to make.
If there was a different situation where you DID say yes to your son having a stranger over, (a friend down on his luck and needing a place to stay for a night), now you're asking for a fight wiht your spouse, 'I thought we weren't allowing strangers over'.
The son's case is a stranger, two nights, AND she's maybe got some reasons why you don't necessarily want to welcome her in the house.
Your daughter's case, it's not just strangers, it's strangers, whily you're not home, most certainly involving alcohol, she's been proven not trustworthy before (couldn't stop a party from getting out of hand) AND there's a legal liability on your end if someone gets hurt. Is your husband not aware of this risk? That's crazy.
I have explained that to my wife last time. We had 3 adults including myself to supervise ( Halloween 2024). I said last time, no more parties, house parties I am complexity uncomfortable with. My stepdauther thinks she is able to control everything. I know that obviusoly is not true, but teens.
You and your wife could sit down with step-daughter and start being absolutely serious. Like - we'd like to let you have some friends over, but you need to prove to us you'll follow the rules.
Ask questions, like 'what will you do if more people show up like last time, tell me exactly waht you're going to do"? What if your friends bring alcohol and things get out of hand, what's your plan? Explain not just that you're liable but like in real terms 'if a friend leaves and drives drunk and is arrested or gets in an accident WE can be liable for damages to the injured person. LIke hundreds of thousands of dollars. Ask her to acknowledge it.
Explain you can let her have a SMALL party with CLOSE friends and this will be a test of your trust. No social media.
Tell her you have neighbours watching the house and will alert you if they see lots of people
Put a nanny-cam in the living room (secretly).
It is possible to start imparting some responsibility by making her share in it.
How do you think your wife will handle the multiple felonies she'll be charged with when a kid who got wasted in your house kills a car load of people? Because she's fully aware that allowing a party in her house with underage drinking in and of itself is an actual felony, right? And that she's actually considered fully legally responsible when alcohol and drugs are provided at her home when minors are involved? If, for some bizarre reason, just the thought of something awful happening to children at her home with her permission isn't enough to shake her back to reality, is the thought that one (probably both) of you could spend time in jail and lose your other minor children not, like, a deterrent? You know, this is actually why we have prisons- so people who can't make rational grown up decisions have a place to sit and think about it for a nice long while. Think about YOUR future instead of all these "well, simply explain to your stepdaughter" nimrods, because you're the one who ultimately pays for this, not the little girls who can cry on cue because they didn't get their party.
NTA I bet you cover the majority of expenses. Best to go ahead and tell them all to GTFO if they don’t like it.
lmao!! Yeah, thats actually 100% true. Behind the scenes I have been paying the majority of things without any fanfare. I just knuckle down and deal with things behind the scenes. Now my income has taken a hit this year (sales job), I need help to pay the bills without getting into debt, but feel that is not being received as well as I hoped.
So you’re basically supporting two adults and a 17 year old?
I wouldn’t call any of them adults.
NTA about shutting down both events. You’re going to have to lock up all of your valuables if you’re having strangers in your house and lock the master bedroom door. If you don’t have cameras in your house, you need to install them before you leave. Your son and step daughter might not be bad kids, but the people they invite are another story entirely.
NTA but why did it take having to say no to your son to decide your step daughter couldn't have a party? Why wasn't that addressed immediately?
There are bigger issues at play in your marriage, clearly, because you're not able to get on the same page.
I actually already had said no, especially as we will be away. But they choose to ignore my wishes, and neever listened. Everyone thinks I am a doormat, my ex made the same mistake until it was too late. Be a nice person is not the same as being a doormat. But thats the way it seems these days. I am accommodating, until I am not.
So yes, you have a marriage/husband problem.
He ignored your wishes completely.
What are you going to do about it? You need to tell your husband you aren't going to accept being completely ignored. And either he treats you as an equal partner or you want out. Bc that's bullshit.
OP is the husband. He has a wife problem.
My bad. Then yes. Either way, the spouse is the problem
Your house your rules.
NTA
In regards to strangers staying in your home it should be a two yes one no policy.
NTA. I would be deeply concerned about the woman he’s bringing in. Recovery is tough and he’s building his life right now.
For the 17 year old also NTA. However, if there’s a trusted adult I don’t see an issue with a small party.
It was supposed to be last time. She said 20, bit the day off, admitted she invited 40-50. Then more strangers showed up, the 20 somethings etc. Cars parked all over the dangerous road outsode.
Absolutely NTA then, she’s demonstrated she can’t be trusted even when you’re around, nevermind when you’re 20 hours drive away.
NTA. If people drink or do drugs at the party and someone snitches or gets hurt, your liable. Also NTA about your son. At the end of the day shes still a stranger and u have a minor living with u, better to be cautious.
NTA, but i fully expect them to go behind your back if you do leave.
NTA but I am a firm believer that a 17 year old shouldn't have a party at home with no adults, especially when legal adults showed up the last time.
There will be drinking and this is a risk for you
NTA. You are not wrong in setting boundaries with your son and SD.
Your house, your rules especially when you won’t even be there. Not allowing unsupervised parties with minors and random strangers staying overnight is basic safety measure.
Your son didn’t ask, he told you. That makes him wrong here. He’s in your home while getting back on his feet, and it’s reasonable for you to not allow random strangers in your house when you are not there.
And your stepdaughter, she’s 17. Last time random adults showed up even tho you guys were present. Allowing a party while you’re a 20-hour drive away would be irresponsible and a massive headache if something went wrong.
This isn’t favoritism, you’re applying the same rule to everyone: no strangers in the when you're not present.
Your spouse gotta respect your opinions, rules should be same for everyone.
NTA.. she can host away at HER apartment, home or whatever..
NTA. If your stepdaughter has people over and drinking or drugs happened, you could be legally in trouble. If a party goer gets injured, you could be legally in trouble. If the police are called for noise violations, you could be legally in trouble. Also, if your stepdaughter invites people over, you do realize your son's girl will somehow show up to attend?
As for your son bringing in a complete stranger to your house, the answer is no. He isn't a tenant, he isn't paying rent. Even if he was paying rent there is normally a roommate agreement about that sort of thing.
Soften the blow to both children a bit, tell the son you want to meet his girl, maybe a day of skiing or a nice dinner somewhere. Tell the daughter that she can host a different party when you are actually in town.
And tell your spouse that affording the increase in your home owner insurance policy would be the least of your problems if something goes wrong with a high school party.
(edited because I stupidly assumed gender. my apologies.)
Just to be extra clear:
I admit, I did waffle that part. I hate giving absolutes on anything legal.
If one of my own teens sprained an ankle on a trampoline at a party, I wouldn't go the legal route personally. To me, it would be 'Well, did you learn why trampolines aren't for twelve people at a time?'. But, I hear, I am an abnormal parent.
Now if one of my teens overdosed at an party, I would go full scorched earth. Expensive lawyers would be called, and police reports would be filed.
So, I waffled my words, because injury is in tiers and parental responses may vary. However I agree, that you should automatically assume every parent out there will respond with 'OMG! My precious child got a hang nail at your house!', because that way you over plan for anything that could go wrong.
Indeed, I should have been more specific that there would be legal trouble if there was a serious injury related to underage alcohol use. Hopefully, hangnails would be handled more conservatively!
You never know, I have met some parents who would put their kid in a human sized hamster ball if they could.
Also hire security to make sure the party doesn't go ahead.
NTA.
OP's spouse shouldn't have given permission for a minor to have a house party without adult supervision. That's a disaster waiting to happen, and possibly a lawsuit should something bad happen.
And son should never have anyone over that the homeowners haven't met before. ESPECIALLY because he lives there for FREE.
OP needs to make clear that their house is not the teen/young adult haven the kids hoped it was. If they want the freedom to party and have dates over, they can move TF out.
NTA, sir make this the hill to die on with everyone. Your son either takes the girl to a hotel paid for by him or goes to her house. That 17-year-old does not need to host a party with no supervision. First off, her mom needs to be a mom and not her friend. Also, if she's not comfortable with your son having a guest with you all there, she should feel the same about her teenager being unsupervised, throwing a party that could end up out of hand. Grown adults showing up to the last party, who invited Grown adults to a teenage party?
All around, you Sir are NTA!
NTA
I don't think it's right for your spouse to give unilateral approval for a party to take place in your shared home without your consent - or in the face of your disapproval. She's free to make decisions about her daughter, but NOT about your shared home. That's really out of hand, IMO.
NTA, we went through something similar with our son. I let him know we recognized wanting to live like it’s his own place, but it isn’t. It’s poor home and I don’t want randoms in my home. No reason your son can’t rent a hotel room for 2 nights in the city.
The 17 year old is tricky. Try to find an adult you trust to supervise. No 17 year old should have a party with no adults.
Youre not running a hotel.
NTA. I would never allow a stranger found on Tinder to stay in home especially when it’s the 1st meeting?!?! THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE STRANGER. Hell to the no no no. If you are so far from the city it would make way more sense for them to get a hotel or Airbnb. Then they could be around activities and restaurants.
The stepdaughter party depends on how responsible the SD is. I would have allowed my daughters to have a party if I wasn’t home because my daughters are absolute square bears. Their “party” would be movies, sushi and D&D. So, maybe letting her choose a certain amount of friends and keeping it small with only approved guests is an option.
The biggest issue with both the Tinder stranger and teen party is that as the home owner you are LEGALLY liable for anything and everything that occurs in your home. Then aside from the legal liability is possible property damage and theft. It’s very reasonable to say you are not comfortable with either of these. It’s a valid concern.
Oh dear Op 🙈
You’re right about not allowing one to do it and the other not. The party shudnt be happening full stop.
But you know they both are going to go ahead and do it anyway in your absence, right?
If it was me I’d be cancelling my plans away and making sure none of it happens. I wouldn’t be able to relax whilst being away so it would be ruined anyway
No way. Who in their right mind would let a 17 year old hold a NYE party with no parents in the house? That's a wild concept. Nothing good comes from that. I'm on your side totally. No one should be staying in your home you're not comfortable with and no teenager should be having an unsupervised house party.
NTA, here's what I'd do, put a keyed entryway lock on your bedroom door, and put everything you're especially concerned might be broken or stolen until after the party and overnight visit.
Then put your 24 year old in charge of supervising the party. Tell him he has to card, gather keys, or any restrictions you want to put down, as price of hosting his friend.
NTA. But probably your stepdaughter will have the party anyway. Don't expect your son to police your stepdaughter and any party she might have. I am the oldest sibling in my family. My youngest sibling was a popular high school student who had nightmarishly bad parties when my parents went away. There was no way I could have policed these parties, but I was always terrified I would be blamed anyway. I'd go hide at my aunt's house.
NTA, it’s your house, you are responsible for what happens in it. Having said that, I would compromise by saying you will help pay for a hotel for the girlfriend and that your stepdaughter can have a party another night when you are home.
Or even tell daughter that she can have 2-3 friends over and that’s it
2-3 friends over when the parents are away has a real easy chance of snowballing into a full fledged party.
Especially on NYE
Could just try having a serious, honest conversation too - what will you do if uninvited guests come? What if there's alcohol and people get out of hand? We're liable, this is a chance to earn or lose our trust, etc. And an 'alternate'...when we're not here, no big party. We WILL let you have a party with 'some' booze if your friend's parents agree, AND wer're home. But NYE is not the night.
Now...what's your decision?
I like this option!
NTA
Your husband needs to grow the hell up and be the other responsible adult in the house.
No to everybody!!! Your house, your rules: no overnight guests and NO parties!
There's no indication that the spouse is a husband. Turns out, if you read further down, OP is a man.
I stand corrected:
Their SPOUSE needs to grow the hell up.
Nta. Not paying rent means no adult equality while living at home.
Parties are also not allowed if you feel uncomfortable. These kids are not your equals, period.
NTA.
The wife is a bucket of turds. No 17-year-old should be hosting a party while the parents are away. The liability alone should be enough to say no. The son wants to get his peepee wet. He might want to get a hotel room for the weekend.
How good is your homeowners insurance? Someone gets hurt, drinks and drives, or raped in your home?
NTA You have a big wife problem. She should treat the kids equally. An unsupervised New Year’s party at your home? You don’t like your home very much. That’s a disaster waiting to happen.
Your kids can do whatever they want when they have their own home. While staying in your home, they respect your rules.
Stand firm OP.
NTA. What is wrong with your family? Did they check their alleged brains at the door? Are they delusional? (Yes.) What they are proposing is absolutely ridiculous! There is no WAY I would allow any of this.
One kid gets hurt you can lose everything you own. NTA.
You and your spouse should cancel your plans and stay home. The 17-year-old needs parents taking care of them. She’s under aged and you must be quite aware of the trouble she could get in. I’ve heard kids say it’ll be fine. We’ll be careful mom we won’t drink, etc. If you do leave her without parental supervision, expect a call from the police because it’s quite likely things will get out of hand
Sheesh I already see so many bad stepparent stories on reddit, I would have found myself coming into this feeling biased against you if not for the fact that "teenage" "party" and "away" in the same sentence are never a good thing.
NTA AT ALL. If anything, your spouse is the irresponsible one. I've already read a literal nightmare of a story a while back about the younger sibling of a party thrower being abused while keeping away from the festivities in her room. Unfortunately, older people who have no business being near a high schooler's party are known to frequent these things. They are leeches. Any parent who doesn't think of the possibility of such things happening when there is no adult/homeowner supervision has their head in the sand.
Your son can find his own apartment or house if he wants sleepovers with his dates.
I hope you actually show them this post. Your family are nuts. Good luck.
NTA, it's wild for your spouse to assume this would be ok or isn't showing more concern for her daughter especially considering what happened the last time where adults showed up. Anyone not in high school showing up to a high school party is exhibiting predatory behavior and thank God you were there to stop that. There's a big chance that'll happen again and now you won't be there to prevent it. Now also imagine, one of the kids drives home drunk and kills themself or someone else. The parent of this child finds out you ALLOWED an unsupervised party to happen at your house. There's no way that situation ends well for anyone. Im sure these are all thoughts that have run through your head. I also don't blame you for not allowing your son to bring over a total stranger especially one with a sketchy past. I'm not sure I'd even feel comfortable leaving these 2 alone anymore tbh.
You are asking to be sued by someone else’s parents.
You're NTA for the party, but you know Stepdaughter will have the party anyway unless you take some sort of action - cameras and a bonded Security company checking on the house at a minimum. But I think you need to cancel your plans.
I think your spouse is nuts wanting to allow a teen to hold a party while you aren't home. No Way. Even if your stepdaughter is a good kid, word of a "party where the parents aren't home" can spread and a mass of people who are not known to your stepdaughter and won't listen to her can show up. Things can way too easily get out of control. Property can be damaged. And YOU could be held liable for "supplying alcohol to minors" if any of them drink and get in an accident on the way home.
Stick to your guns, and set a boundary with your wife that things involving the house are "two yes one no".
Sounds as though you need marriage counseling with your spouse as they don't seem to respect you very much.
As far as your son, I think if he's present 100% of the time and he wants to be responsible for his guest, you're being a bit too strict while you're home, but you know what? It's your house! Your house, your rules! And, while you're gone, you know your son is going to have his Tinder date over and buy booze for your stepdaughter to bribe her not to tell.
NTA and they can all stay mad.
When the adult son is paying for his own place, he can bring home whomever he wants, whenever he wants. He's not bringing a stranger into my house. Period.
Same for the stepdaughter. She's a minor and if your spouse insists that she can have the party, then I would not be leaving my house.
Ask your spouse if they’re ok losing the house to a lawsuit if anything happens to a drunk or OD’d teenager who parties in your house while you’re away. A friend of my son’s died at a house party that was thrown while the homeowners were away. It was heartbreaking, and a real shitshow for the people who owned the house.
Your wife is an idiot. You don't allow a 17-year-old to have a party unsupervised. Hello CPS. Not to mention you're responsible for any minors you allow in your house. No. Just no. As for the Tinder thing - hard no. Period. Your son needs to get a hotel room. So NTA and you are surrounded by morons.
NTA, but you need to stay home for NYE. If you don’t, hopefully you have a robust umbrella insurance policy for the eventual legal issues and civil suits.
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
My 24-year-old biological son moved back in with my spouse and me this summer to get his life back on track. This is meant to be temporary. I’ve been clear that by the end of January he needs a documented plan (school, a trade, etc.), and I’ve even set aside $10k to help cover trade school if needed. He’s made some progress, including paying off about $5,000 in debt by working multiple jobs.
Yesterday, my son told me (not asked) that he planned to bring a woman he just met on Tinder to stay at our house for two nights. We live about 100 miles from the city. My spouse was immediately uncomfortable with having a stranger stay in our home. I also had concerns because my son privately told me she is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, has had legal issues, and is only 22.
I told him that if he were actually dating someone and we had met her first, that would be different, but bringing a complete stranger to stay for two nights wasn’t something we were comfortable with.
This led to a broader argument. While discussing boundaries around strangers in the house, I told my spouse that I’m also not comfortable with my 17-year-old stepdaughter hosting a New Year’s Eve party at our house while we’ll be a 20-hour drive away. My spouse had already told her she could have the party, despite my objections.
Last year, my stepdaughter hosted a Halloween party while we were home to supervise, and several random 20-something adults showed up after hearing about it. I had to ask them to leave, and I don’t know how many more would have come if we hadn’t been there.
So I said that if we’re saying no to strangers staying over for my son, the same rule applies to parties for my stepdaughter. No party while we’re away. That caused a major fight, and now my son, spouse, and stepdaughter are all angry with me.
I feel like I’m expected to help everyone, but not allowed to set boundaries in my own home. We also have valuable and sentimental items in the house, and I don’t want to risk damage or worse while we’re gone.
AITA for saying no to strangers staying over or parties happening when we aren’t home?
TL;DR: Said no to my adult son bringing a stranger home and no to my teenage stepdaughter hosting a party while we’re away. Now everyone is mad at me.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Info: is your adult son paying rent while he lives there, or has he just moved back home?
NTA. Your boundaries are absolutely correct.
NTA. Your rules are just common sense and if they doesn’t like it then they can move. Place some cameras without your wife knowing because that girly will have that party when you’re 20 hours away so you can see it and call the police. She’ll jeopardize your home, your belongings and even herself. Stand your ground. The same for your son, and he needy to get more logical and intelligent for being 28.
NTA, it's common sense. And protective in the long run. Your husband is being naive. Teen parties get out of hand so easily.
ANTA No one should leave a group of underage kids having a house party unsupervised. It might be fun, but the worst things can happen. I don't think the idea of the stranger staying for two days is a good one either, but it's something they have to understand. You're doing well.
NTA, you can see all the horror stories of what can go wrong on reddit every single day. You would be irresponsible if you allowed it. Your not just protecting your home, your also protecting your children who’s pre-frontal cortex is not yet matured enough to make good decisions under pressure.
I regret not being stricter with my kids when they were growing up. They put themselves in dangerous situations by being too trusting that have caused them trauma and it never would have happened if I had just put my foot down and said no. Their trauma is on my 💩parenting.
Stand your ground. You are demonstrating good parenting as well as being fair to both kids. NTA
Nta. Her dad is delusional if he thinks there wont be drinking drugs and sex
Just FYI, if you are not in your house on the dates of the planned events, the party is going to happen, and the 22 year old addict with legal issues will be staying at your house.
I would be hiring an adult family member or two to be staying at my house while I'm away. If your stepdaughter is under the legal drinking age and you are 20 hours away, you could be coming home to all sorts of trouble.
NTA. Not a chance in hell inwpuld.let my son bring a stranger to stay. Also not only would I say no.to the party but I would have security cameras set up to make sure large groups weren't entering my home. I'd even go one step further and let them know that the police will be called and will press charges if need be.
Seems like your family wants to walk all over you.
A 17-year old…hosting a party with no parents…on NYE where there WILL be drinking…and a bunch of under aged teens…? Word had already spread about the Halloween party with you and your husband present. Consider what COULD occur without adult supervision. Got the picture? Your husband is a m0ron. Had this been permitted, the onslaught of potential lawsuits if someone got sick, hurt, or assaulted could have bankrupted you both or worse…especially with his express permission. Be smart, take precautions to ensure this party does not occur anyway. For now, NTA.
NTA
Let them all be mad.
I would think again about leaving OR if you do, have a trusted relative to stick around and make sure no stuff happens.
NTA on either count
NTA.
It's not the eighties anymore.
[removed]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: Be Civil. Further incidents may result in a ban.
"How does my comment break Rule 1?"
Message the mods if you have any questions or concerns.
Won't your son be home to supervise the teen party? Tee hee hee.
No company at all while you guys are gone, it’s to much going on now of days
ESH
Your son should have known better than to even ask.
Your spouse should have taken your objections seriously.
Your step-daughter should accept that she's not mature enough to host a new years eve party without parents around.
You shouldn't have turned it into "if my son can't then your daughter can't either". When your spouse told your step-daughter that she could host a new years eve party, you should have told her that if teenagers were going to be partying at your house you were going to be there to supervise. If that meant sacrificing your own plans, that's just part of parenting.
Edit: If I had to rank you all, I'd say your position makes you the least AH-ish, but you all need to do better.
Edit 2: correcting gender
NTA Your house, your rules.
Apparently you're the only one with common sense in the house. Unsupervised teenagers having a party, what could go wrong?
you are absolutely correct. Let them be mad don’t fold.
The 17 year old hosting a party while you're away wasn't an automatic "hell no" already? Are you fucking stupid? Is your wife fucking stupid? Someone here is fucking stupid.
I supervised a young man who had a party while his parents were away. Word got out and people started showing up who he didn’t know. His parent’s house was almost destroyed and police were called.
NTA. But tell your wife, your son and your stepdaughter, that the insurance liability issue alone would be enough to bankrupt you all forever and ever, should anything happen to someone while at your stepdaughter's party. With no parental supervision, you are in danger of being hit with a massive lawsuit, or multiple lawsuits. It's not worth the hassle.
NTA - while it is a kind of strict parent cliché: your house, your rules.
Obviously if you are not comfortable with your son bringing a stranger into your home for two nights, he shouldn't do that. I think you are being quite reasonable with that.
And obviously you should not let a 17 year old girl host a New Years party completely unsupervised, especially if you have already seen the potential risks of that at last years Halloween. House parties are notoriously risky, and given you are 20 hours away from home I would not be keen on that. You may find precious objects missing or destroyed, the place absolutely trashed, neighbours pissed, and potentially some real legal issues going on (e.g. underage drinking, drug use, potential for assault) plus there will absolutely be teenagers hooking up everywhere in your house, including your bedroom.
Seriously your household sounds like a cluster fuck. It would make ME runaway and NEVER return
UPDATE
My son apologized to myself & my partner for not communicating ahead and agreed he was thinking with his other head. He has been a little depressed lately, as who wants to move home with their parents at 24.
He agreed, he should 100% have asked ahead and it is probably a little weird to bring tinder date home he only just met once, he let his loniless get the better of his judgement.
He is extremely thankful for the help he has gotten this year to get back on his feet. And I think the talk we had has given him some much needed positivity, that thnigs are not as bad as he feels.
For the 17 year old, we have come to a compromise. Her mum will travel on her own to deal with the out of town issue that we had to deal with, I will stay home alone. She is allowed to have her friends over, but is limited to an agreed in advance guest list, no more than 20 kids or so, all local and all from her year in high school. Anyone else shows up, I show them the door. So more a xmas class gathering than a house party, it will be closed, and limited. No drugs etc, and no more than 4 cars in my driveway.
I will stay away in the other side of the house, its big enough that it works.
I apologized for not being more calm in my initial reposne, and my partner for not thinking it through, and also being too hard on my son initially.
All in, things like this sometimes become a valuable learning lesson, and way for people to be more open about what is going on in their heads, and getting it out so we can all address the issues and help each other. Its hard for everyone right now, wespecialy the young out from college looking for their starty in life.
Thanks to everyone on this thread for their input, your feedback has been invaluable.
Too bad if everyone is angry. There are some major boundaries being crossed with these kids inviting people into YOUR home. Unless they pay the bills, their opinions are unwarranted.
NTA
Cancel your trip!!!
Come at it from a different angle.
You said your job took a hit and you don't really have the money. Unless going will make you money, don't do it.
Parties cost money by themselves and being liable for what happens at an unsupervised party could cost you the house, your savings or retirement fund in lawsuits by whatever happens.
It's time to break the news to everyone in the household that life before is over.
You all have to tighten your belts to get thru the next few months so no going away, no parties, just a nice quiet family holiday season at the house.
If they don't like it, son can move up his timeline on moving out and step-daughter can have the party at her bio dads house.
Hold your ground.
NTA
Your home is the place you should feel safe and comfortable. Going forward it should just be a blanket no because none of them know how to be selective with who they allow, and since I'm sure they don't want to be controlled, they can take their parties and strangers from hookup sites elsewhere. Period.
Since she already told her yes, you might be on the hook, but I'd suggest setting up cameras and putting locks on all doors except the common living areas. Those are the only places any guest should be. Check the cameras frequently and reserve the right to make the call to shut it down if you're uncomfortable.
You may have no choice but to be the bad guy in this situation, but if it means preserving your peace, they can be mad at you all they want. Stand your ground.
You're conflating two separate issues. Having a party isn't the same as having a stranger stay over for two days. I wouldn't want either of those taking place in my house, but saying no to one means no to both isn't helping your case.
You should have addressed the party with your wife well before she gave permission. There's no clean way to handle it now.
If you don't want your son to have a sex guest who was on drugs at one point to stay over, just tell him no. When he has his own place he can do what he wants.
Mostly NTA, but you need to communicate better with your wife in regards to your stepdaughter.
NTA I think your mistake was agreeing to the party in the first place. Think about it. You have a son who has screwed up badly enough that he has to get his life back in order. Is letting a teenager host a party while you're gone a brilliant idea in light of that? No, I don't see how it is. So by not thinking a little bit ahead, you are in the situation you are in now. You set a trap for yourself and walked right into it.
OP didn’t agree to the party…the wife did despite his objections
This a hill to die on. You already know what happened when two adults were present for Halloween. What exactly does your hsuan stunk will happen when no adults are present?!
And no, your son doesn’t qualify as an “adult” in this situation
Whose house is this anyways? Yours, his or joint?
This might be the end of your karate And that isn’t necessarily a bad thing as it sounds like your husband doesn’t respect you
OP is the husband…
I didn’t notice anything stating OP was male.
He states he is the husband in a reply…
Genders are irrelevant to the post, and it doesn’t change my answer. So I’m not sure why you thought it was necessary to point out
Ok fine…whatever…just thought you’d want to know…good grief snarky much
One available but questionable alternative is for parents to go vacation with the children’s express knowledge that you gave prior consent to appropriate law enforcement agencies to search your premises at any time they want during your vacation.
Find out what your house insurance policy holder's thoughts are, and go from there.
YTA. It's up to her parents, not you.
Reading is a lost art it seems.
Fake bullshit. Downvote.
Always one eh, you probably think birds are not real as well eh. Seriously, give your head a shake.
The fact that you guys live so far away is probably why your ADULT son has to have her stay over, and if you guys are going to be home at the time, you’re being a little harsh imo. I know it’s your house but it’s also his house too. And he is an adult and should be afforded some freedom. Your daughter’s party, should have been a hard no from the get go. But if you guys told her she could, you can’t go back on your word.
There was no “you guys” op was against it and the spouse said she could anyway. It’s “his house too” but he doesn’t contribute to it?? I don’t think op is being harsh. If the son wants to have strangers over then he can get his own place and have all the strangers over that he wants.